The familiar citrus smell of the room hits me as soon as I stepped inside.

My eyes wandered around the room. It is as I have remembered it. Clean and spacious.

the walls are covered in an almost eggshell white paint. Displayed on the wall across from the door are degrees and certificates of Dr. Emilia Rose. A huge desk is placed on the right side of the room, making the conversation area spacious enough for three people. A single brown colored armchair sits diagonally from the two seater brown couch. A round coffee table is placed in between with a bowl of candies sitting on top of it. There is one clock in the room that is conveniently placed at the back of the couch that is designated for the patients.

"She'll be with you in a second." Melba announces before she gives me a smile and closed the door behind her.

An awfully quiet room in the middle of the city. The window across my seat is big enough to see the setting of the sun in between the huge buildings surrounding the area. I could barely hear the sound of cars passing by the street down below.

When the door next opened, Dr. Rose came in. A smile on her face and a glass of water in her hand. She gracefully puts it in front of me before picking up her pen and paper from her desk. "Hello, Tamara." She greets me as she takes a seat on the brown armchair. Her dark brown eyes regard me with kindness.

Despite my familiarity with the place and the doctor, my heart continues to beat twice as fast as it normally does. The sweating of my palms, the chill I feel in my body as I stare at the wooden floor of the room.

The setup of the conversation area is somehow convenient for a patient like me. I can, if I want, look away from her, refuse to meet her eyes. I could meet her eyes if I wanted to. It's all up to me, unlike the other places Alec and I went to.

"How was your day?" She starts again, not the least bit side-tracked by my lack of response.

It was uneventful, I wanted to say. My days have been uneventful, boring but tiring. Mentally and physically tiring. I've been on the lookout for any suspicious person ever since that night I had a breakdown. Looking and treading carefully of the people around me. The memories of what happened have been replaying in my mind like a broken record, again and again and again. It's a never ending torture of memories. Haunting me in my sleep and even when I am awake.

Artemis and Apollo have noticed my lack of sleep. They've considerate enough to let me take naps in between classes that I actually share with them Apollo has become extremely worried about my well-being that I have come to noticed that he would purposely take the long route to his building just to take me to mine. Even my ever cheerful friend Artemis has made extra effort to make me smile once in a while.

I doubt Dustyn got any sleep these past week. Whenever I woke up from my nightmare, he was there. Eyes wide in fear as he stared at my fear stricken face. He would always be ready to comfort me and even stays to help me get back to sleep. Every morning, he would greet me with a smile despite the bags under his eyes and his continuous yawning throughout breakfast.

I sneak a glance at Dr. Rose. She sits patiently with her legs crossed, pen sitting neatly on top of the paper she took from her desk. She takes notice of my stare and gives a smile in my direction. She leans and takes a candy from the bowl on the coffee table.

"Would you like some?" She asked, offering up a piece of candy sitting on the palm of her hands.

I took the candy without a word.

Dr. Rose has always been like this. Friendly and laid back. She doesn't force a person to talk. In fact, I spent more time thinking in her office than talking. Then, before we wrap the session up, she would ask how I was doing. It was, however, up to me if I wanted to answer or not.

Just like what is happening now. She would, no matter how long, wait for me to be comfortable enough to talk.

I don't think comfort has anything to do with my reluctance to talk right now. It is more along the lines of questions after questions. What ifs and assumptions of what talking could possibly help.

I've been here before. In this room and in this very same predicament. I walked out of here one day thinking that I finally got better. That somehow, all of those hours I spent in this room with Dr. Rose has stopped the awful memories from plaguing my mind.

Yes it won't get erased. Yes I have had breakdowns from time to time. But never to that extent.

That night, it felt much more real. I could feel his blows, the way he roughly gets a hold of my chin to turn my face in his direction. It felt real when he would let his fingers trail up my legs, taunting me to shout or do something as he whispered disgusting things to my ear. It felt more real than it has ever been and that scared me the most.

I was so out of it. My reality and my nightmare mixed in together that I couldn't tell which is real and which is not. I said such horrible things to Alec that he started blaming himself about what happened. I made my brother cry because I was too out of it.

Maybe therapy didn't work for me. Maybe I was fooled by the simple thought of getting better that I fooled my mind and myself into thinking that I was okay. Maybe, I wasn't meant to forget those things. Maybe I never did.

It was just there, lurking under all the happy memories that I've had through the years. Waiting for its comeback, waiting patiently to strike again. And as years have gone by, I only have my few mild breakdowns to remember those memories. Now, it seems, as if the venom is much more poisonous than it previously was.

Every night I hope and pray that I make it through. That I won't wake up sweating trembling and screaming in fear and for help. That when I open my eyes I wouldn't have to see Dustyn looking so worried, so distraught. That it would just be the bright light of the sun streaming through the window that would wake me up.

I hate it. I hate the way I'm handling it. I hate that it has such a firm grip on me that I could never get away from it. I hate that it affects not just me but the people around me. I hate that by far I am just getting worse and worse, no matter how hard I try to not think about it.

Then I remember Dustyn's smile before I went inside this room. The number of times he comforted me. The ways he makes me feel so loved and cared for. The comfort he provides. Somehow, those made me think twice about my decisions. Somehow, it reminded me that Alec wasn't the only one who watches over me.

Maybe I ought to try harder. For myself and for the people who continues to watch over me. Maybe I owe it to myself to be motivated enough to at least talk to Dr. Rose like I did before. Maybe I just needed that extra push that Alec always gives me and the understanding that Dustyn provides each time.

With a loud sigh, I faced Dr. Rose meeting her dark brown eyes. "I had an attack. A breakdown, whatever you call it."