out, my hand involuntarily drew lines.

The lines turned into a chin, eyes, curly hair, beautiful lips... lips I almost kissed. Soon enough, I stared at a rough sketch of Elijah's face, which surprised me because I was usually horrible at portraits.

I stared for too long, lost in the memory of our last encounter, before swiping to the next blank page. It was too wet outside to spend the morning at the beach, so I resorted to the fourth floor of the library—the lounge.

"They're having a bonfire Friday after their game." Two girls near me chatted. "We are going."

"They did not invite us."

"I have a gen-ed with one player, I can try to talk to him."

"We're freshmen. You think a junior will pay any attention to us?"

I smiled at their conversation, slowly packing my belongings up. I remembered how it felt to be a freshman like all eyes were on me as I stumbled through campus. The truth was, nobody was looking, and after reality set in that I was a guppy fish in a vast ocean full of other guppies, a weight was lifted.

College is like a holding pen.

A four-year-long—or more—summer camp for the new adults to find their footing before being thrown to the sharks.

I leaned toward the girls. "Sorry for eavesdropping, but here's a little tip—just go for it. Say hi to those guys, make friends, don't worry about what the other people will think because chances are you'll never see them again or they're in the same boat as you."

They smiled at me as I stood. "Thank you," they said.

"You're welcome." I walked to the elevators to meet Reva across campus in the writing building.

My stomach made garbled noises as students took their normal seats. I refrained from turning around to see if Elijah had taken his, even though every fiber in my body wanted me to.

"Wanna sip?" Reva held her coffee toward me.

"No thanks, my stomach is... I'd probably vomit."

She grimaced. "Have you eaten?"

Had I? I recalled breakfast, and when nothing came to mind, I thought about the lone apple I picked for dinner. "Yes."

She narrowed her eyes. "I don't believe you. We're going to get something after class."

I didn't argue, alternatively, I turned my head to look at the seats behind me.

Empty. Full. Full. Empty. Elijah.

Our eyes met, and he tipped his chin in greeting, his lips twisting into a beautiful half-grin. I cast a swift smile, more awkward than intended, and faced front. As the professor walked in, my lap buzzed.

________________________________

[email protected]

Ha

Knew you would look.

Now put your phone away before you get yelled at again.

________________________________

I tossed my phone into my backpack, wiping the expression off my face before Reva noticed.

We sat through the boring lecture, which felt way longer than normal. By the time I closed my notebook and was shoving my belongings into my backpack, Elijah was gone.

"I invited Lucy and Iya to lunch. They want to talk to us about the date party," Reva said as we walked outside.

"Oh, we're still doing that?" I asked, peering around campus.

"Yes, it will be fun."

"Sadie!" That all too familiar voice yelled my name, and I turned to see Elijah hurrying over. Other people glanced at us and Reva punched my arm, so I punched her back, my silent way of telling her to stay quiet.

"Elijah," a group of his friends appeared out of nowhere, blocking the path between us. They formed a huddled, and I could see Elijah's eyes flickering from his friends, then to me before he mouthed sorry.

I mouthed it was okay, and when I realized their huddle wouldn't break, Reva and I walked away. What was he going to say? I guess I would never know.

"Well, that sucked. I wanted to see you two love birds interact."

I glared. "You are relentless."

"No, you are just in denial."

She wasn't wrong, but I wouldn't admit that.

Reva and I met the girls at a diner in town. I ordered a chicken salad, but after eating the chicken and croutons from the top, I pushed the lettuce around with my fork.

"The date party is Friday and we have to dress up. I'm wearing a red dress, and since you're my date Sadie, you can match me."

"Sounds good. Are we pre-gaming?"

"We can at our place," Iya said.

They've been talking about their sorority date party for a while now. While I agreed to go in the moment, I would much rather stay in now. Not because I don't want to hang out with the girls, because I have not felt like myself lately.

Even though I favored staying in, the urge to hide inside has been so much stronger. But I didn't go out last Friday, so I owed them.

"Sorry you couldn't bring Penelope, Reva," Iya said.

"Oh, it's okay. We had this date party planned before Penelope and I met. We're going out to dinner Saturday night."

Iya and Reva spoke about the date with Penelope, and Lucy turned to me. "Dustin was asking for your number," she said, out of the blue, and my eyes bulged. "Don't worry, I didn't give it to him."

I scrunched my nose at the thought and silently prayed Reva would stay quiet about Elijah. "Thank you for not giving it."

"I told him you weren't really in the dating scene right now. But I wanted to warn you he'd be at the party on Friday since we partnered with TEKE."

I refrained from making a face.

Of course, he would be at the party. Why did I think we'd have a night out with no men involved? I'm not sure when Lucy told him I wasn't into dating, but I hoped it was after our cafe interaction, or else now I know he was relentless.

around, I stared at myself in the mirror of Lucy's bedroom. My dress was black, with a v-neck that showed off my cleavage. The girls helped me place my boobs in the most stable position, so they sat perfectly on my chest.

Though, looking at them now, I could tell the right one was giving.

"Need this?" Lucy held out red lipstick, and I applied a thick coat over my lips. Her dress was red and skin-tight, while the skirt of mine flared out at my waistline. I was much more comfortable in a looser dress that wasn't suctioned to my stomach, outlining my belly.

I continuously ran my hands down my torso, over my arms, down my thighs, trying to remind myself I didn't look like what my mind made me out to be. But it broke my heart because I'd never look at another person and think they were ugly for their size, so why did I only do it to myself?

Frank Ocean's "Sweet Life" came over Lucy's speaker and Elijah's face replaced my dark thoughts. I smiled.

I quickly searched the score for the Trumbullen baseball game as Lucy ran down the hall of her chapter house to Iya's bedroom. Our school was winning as usual, but it was a close game. Brant had scored, and Elijah was stuck on third base. If I didn't want Lucy to ask questions, I'd probably put the game on her TV.

They'd probably think I obsessed over him, or we were more than friends.

Friends.

Were we friends? I had no idea.

When the girls reentered, I closed my phone. "Are you drunk yet? Do you need more alcohol, my best friend?" Reva squealed, tossing her arms around my neck. I laughed, holding her upright.

"What the heck did you drink?"

"Lots of wine," she said. "I'm so glad you came with us tonight."

I smiled. "Me too."

"Ready to go?" Iya asked, and we hitched a ride with one of their sober sorority sisters.

The bar they rented for the date party was brimming with TEKE boys and girls from Lucy and Iya's sorority.

The place was exactly like I remembered: a newly renovated mahogany bar that spanned the width of the furthermost wall. To the right, there were pool and shuffleboard tables, and to the left was a lounge and dance area. Every corner was packed with drunken college students.

Although it wasn't long ago, memories from when we turned twenty-one flashed in my mind. Lucy, Reva, Iya, and I used to come here all the time until we realized how much money we were spending on overpriced drinks. Then we resorted back to the house parties and grocery store liquor.

A swarm of heat and cheap perfume flooded my nose as we weaved our way to the bar.

Just get three drinks in you and you'll be fine, I told my slightly overwhelmed self.

"Hey! I didn't know you were coming," Iya said to an unfamiliar guy who stood with his friends. Lucy chimed in, greeting them with hugs. Though I couldn't hear a single word being said, their waves and smiles at us told me Lucy had introduced Reva and me.

We waved back.

"This place is packed," Reva shouted.

"I know. I need a drink," I said. She pumped her fists in the air and followed me to the bartender. After showing our IDs, we ordered two Vodka Cranberry—because everything else was ridiculously expensive—and gulped them down a tad too fast.

I needed the liquor, and if I would've known the girls would introduce us to everyone, then I would have drunk more at home.

"They are art majors! You should see their work. It's incredible," Lucy boasted, and her sorority sisters stared at us in awe. Everyone was extremely kind. At least to our faces.

Holding my empty cup tight against my chest, I glanced at the packed bodies. The music vibrated through the floor up through my high heels and I was praying it was sturdy enough for the dancing mass of people.

The crowd split and I spotted Dustin standing at a pool table. This was the first time I saw him tonight. I knew he'd be here, but I wasn't looking for him. He smiled, nursing a beer in his button-down white shirt. Then his head turned, and he made eye contact with me. Oh, fuck, does that guy have a spidey sense or something?

I faced Reva, pretending like I didn't see him.

When I glanced again, he was gone.

"Wow, is Sadie Garner actually here right now or are my eyes deceiving me?"

I felt hands on my waist, and I whirled around to see no one other than Dustin. How did he get over here so fast? I stepped backward, accidentally bumping into someone behind me.

"You look hot," he grinned, and Lucy swooped in.

"She's my date," she said, hugging me.

"Am I allowed to ask your date if she wants a drink?"

Lucy—who was evidently drunk—turned to me and asked, "Sadie, Dustin wants to know if you'd like a drink?"

I wanted to say no because it would be the right thing to do, given the fact I would use him. But I also wanted to be as drunk as Lucy, so, I replied, "Only if you'll buy Lucy a drink too."

"Deal," he said without taking his eyes off me.

If I was in a different place in my life, I probably would have butterflies from the way he looked at me. Then I would've followed him to the bar alone, had a drink or two, danced, and the night would've ended with me in his bed.

Now, I'd rather go to bed alone.

I walked behind Lucy to the bar. Dustin followed suit with his hand on the small of my back. Lord, I might've made the wrong choice in accepting his drink offer. I sped up, so his hand fell off.

"Three tequila shots!" Lucy said to the bartender. I sat to the left of her, forcing Dustin to sit to the right. He didn't look too pleased that Lucy was wedged between us.

"We're having a couple of friends over after this. You guys should come!" He smiled.

"If we're alive," Lucy said, and I was quite thankful she answered.

"Come on," he droned. "We've got to show Sadie our parties are way more fun than boring baseball parties."

My muscles went rigid at the mention of the baseball team. "Is that so?" I laughed, but it sounded more defensive than I expected.

"Very."

The bartender set three tequila shots on the table, and we didn't hesitate to knock them back. The liquor burned my throat and my empty stomach, but the lime tasted great. I knew it wouldn't take long for me to feel the effects.

"How about one more round?" Lucy winked at me and whispered, "Then we hit the dance floor."

I nodded, and Dustin didn't hesitate in ordering. After downing those shots, Lucy mumbled goodbye to Dustin and dragged me off the stool to the dance floor. Mac Miller's song "The Spins" reverberated through the room.

"He is relentless sometimes," Lucy said, holding my hands. "He knows you're not into dating, so don't feel bad."

Her reassurance was comforting. "Do I lead him on, though?"

"Sade, you barely even look at him. You're fine."

She spun me around so my back was against her front, and we danced. The second shot definitely sent me over the edge because my lips were growing numb by the second, and my head was becoming vacant of thoughts.

Except for Elijah.

The last time I danced like this, he watched me. I closed my eyes and pictured him kissing the brunette girl's neck, but instead of her, it was mine. Unlike my sober self, I couldn't stop these images.

"Dance foursome!" Reva's voice sliced through the music and I opened my eyes to see Iya and her plowing toward us. They threw their arms around Lucy and me, and we all laughed. This is what I missed, spending time with the girls.

Three songs passed before I excused myself to the bathroom. I didn't know if anyone heard because they kept dancing as I stumbled away.

The door latched behind me, and my shoulders sagged from the stillness of the room. Despite the muffled music and my buzzing ears, I felt like I could hear clearly again. I pulled out my phone and checked the score of the game.

They had won by two points.

I smiled.

My thumb hovered over my email app. I'd much rather hear Elijah's voice, but I didn't have his number.

________________________________

[email protected]

good game

________________________________

Shit, I accidentally hit send before I could type anything in the body paragraph. My body heated with embarrassment and I began typing another when a notification appeared.

________________________________

[email protected]

hey, thanks

Did you forget to write how much you like me?

________________________________

Leaning against the sink, I couldn't stop the smile from appearing on my face.

________________________________

[email protected]

No

I am tooo drunk to think straight.

________________________________

________________________________

[email protected]

Wow

Woah, Sadie Lane is drunk? In a safe space, I hope.

________________________________

I looked around at my surroundings and then typed back:

________________________________

[email protected]

In a bathroom.

________________________________

________________________________

[email protected]

a bathroom?

Do you need to be picked up from said bathroom?

________________________________

I felt the alcohol dancing in my stomach alongside the butterflies as I read his message over and over. I couldn't leave the girls, but man, did I want to say yes to Elijah. Though, I'm not sure what would come of him picking me up.

Standing straight, I pointed my camera at the mirror, smiled, and held a thumb up. Then I attached the photo to the email and wrote: "I was doing okay, but thank you for offering."

It didn't take long for him to reply.

________________________________

[email protected]

:)

You look beautiful.

________________________________

You look beautiful.

I shut my phone off, holding it against my breast, and squeezed my eyes shut.

You. Look. Beautiful.

Whatever reply I thought I'd receive, I wasn't expecting that. The door burst open and a couple of girls stumbled inside, startling me. I cast a smile and walked out of the bathroom, despite not peeing.

My body collided with someone.

"Woah, you alright?" Dustin held my shoulders, stabilizing me. "I was wondering where you'd gone."

"Oh," I laughed nervously. "To the bathroom." Was he following me?

I peered over his shoulder at the crowd down the hall.

"I don't know if we've gotten off on the wrong foot, but I just wanted to apologize for whatever I've done to make you not like me."

Where was this coming from? My brows drew together, and I crossed my arms, suddenly feeling exposed. "You have done nothing wrong. I'm sorry I've made you feel that way, but the flirting is overwhelming sometimes."

He leaned against the wall. The light fixture above the bathroom cast dark shadows across his face. This is not a conversation I wanted to have drunk. "So it has nothing to do with Elijah Preston? Because if you two are dating, you can just tell me and I'll back off."

My mouth fell ajar, and I clamped it shut. I couldn't say I was dating Elijah. That would cross so many lines. But I didn't want to say there wasn't anything going on between us. "I-I don't know what we are."

From the way his lips rose then fell back into a straight line, I could tell it satisfied him with my answer. I wasn't satisfied with his reaction.

"But no matter what was going on between Elijah and me, which is my business anyway, I know Lucy told you I wasn't the relationship type. So, I'd imagine you would respect that."

"Of course," he said, a little more tense.

"Thanks," I said with a little too much sass and brushed past him to rejoin my girls.

"Where were you?" they asked.

"Bathroom," I pointed. "I have a question though." They slowed their dancing to listen. "How mad would you guys be if Elijah Preston picked me up?"

All three girls looked at each other dumbfounded, although I saw a twinkle in Reva's eye like she was proud. They squealed and hopped up and down. "What do you mean, mad? Why would we be mad you're going to get boned by that hottie?" Lucy freaked out.

I looked around, laughing. "No boning! No boning."

"Mhm," Iya smirked.

"We were planning on leaving soon, anyway. Penelope is bringing us pizza to our apartment and we may go out to the frats after."

I thought about Dustin and internally grimaced. "Okay, I didn't want you guys to think I was ditching you."