I wondered if Jax knew just how much he had me under his thumb, now that I knew he was willing to tell people what happened.

It's not like I'd ever been embarrassed for people to know I had sex with someone at a party. It's happened a few times now. It's just sex after all.

But what happened in that room wasn't sex. And he knew it too. He had to. Right? He had to know what he did was wrong.

You made me do it. You did this.

His words echoed in my ear. I didn't want to believe them. I didn't do anything. Did I? Things were becoming blurry in my mind. The things that were once black and white were now mixing, becoming a frightening shade of grey.

I knew one thing for sure- the thought of anyone finding out what happened in that room was too much for me to bear. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

If no one knew what happened to me, did it really happen?

My phone had been quiet all night. Through the take out dinner my dad had made me eat in front of him. Through the three episodes of Dexter I had mindlessly watched on the couch. Through the two hours I had stared at the first page of the book I was supposed to have read by now for English. Nothing. It just reiterated how alone I felt. How alone I was.

A walking hypocrite, aren't I? Annoyed when people talk to me, yet bitter when they don't.

I thought I'd be able to sleep in my own bed, but I guess I was wrong about that too. I couldn't escape the rising anxiety that crept through my body whenever I closed my eyes. I tossed and turned for hours, trying to find a position where I felt like I wasn't exposed.

Finally, I gave up. Close to 3 am, I crept into my dads bedroom like a little girl, as quietly as possible, trying not to wake him. He'd notice when he'd woke up tomorrow, but I'd have time to think of a lie by then. I curled on the small couch, covering myself in the fuzzy blanket I had brought with me. I was safe here. Nothing could happen without my dad knowing. I was safe here. I was safe here.

And I repeated that thought until I finally fell asleep.

When I woke up, the last thing I wanted was to go to school. To be around people in general. I wanted to curl up on the couch and watch reruns of Grey's Anatomy. I'd already finished the series, but every few months I found myself starting back at season 1. I knew every episode inside out, it was comforting to me. No surprises.

"Dad." I groaned out once I found him in the kitchen. He was wearing his typical suit, not a hair out of place. He turned from the pancakes he was flipping, with a smirk on his face like he had already predicted what I was going to say.

"Yes, dear." He answered, raising an eyebrow.

"I feel sick. Can I stay home today?" I tried to sound as sick as possible.

"Really? What's the problem?" He seemed amused.

"Uh, I have a headache." It was the first thing I could think of.

"If you're old enough to party and drink all weekend, you're old enough to deal with hangover that comes with it." My dad shook his head as he turned back to the pancakes.

"But..."

"No buts, Seren. You're going to school." He said sternly as he placed a plate of pancakes in front of me. I groaned loudly, to make sure he understood how annoyed I was before pushing the plate back at him and storming back up the stairs.

I quickly showered and went to brush my teeth, but my tube of toothpaste was tapped out. Of course it was. I had a feeling that everything that could wrong today, would do so. I went into to my dad's bathroom, knowing he had a hoard of new tubes. I opened one of the drawers to his vanity and dug around the boxes of toothpastes, looking for my favourite flavour. Just as I found it, I noticed a a yellow pill bottle had fallen through the back of the cabinet. I made my hand as small as possible and slipped my hand into the opening. I had to stretch my fingers as long as possible, but it only took me a second to fish it out. It was harder to pull my hand back through the opening with the bottle in my hand, and the sharp corner of the counter cut into my wrist. I cursed as I pulled my hand out, blotting the bleeding cut with toilet paper before fishing a bandaid out of the medicine cabinet and slapping it on.

I looked down at the pill bottle now. It was full, prescribed to my Dad three years ago. Ativan.

My dad used to have panic attacks after my mom died. For years they lasted, but suddenly they stopped as quick as they came. I contemplated for a moment, before deciding on taking them with me. It couldn't hurt, right? Maybe I could get some sleep in my own bed.

I had to no choice but to cover my face with makeup today. The bags under my eyes couldn't be hidden with sunglasses at school, and they were dark enough that I was sure someone would notice now, even though I'm sure no one really cared. I brushed my long hair back into a high ponytail, curling the ends around my curling wand.

I spent longer than usual standing in my closet. Usually, I barely think twice about what I wear to school. It's just school after all. There's no one there to impress. I found my self second guessing every outfit I threw on. I glanced at an outfit that was hung in the middle of the rack. My aunt had sent it to me last summer. My mom's sister owned a club in Vegas, she didn't visit anymore. She said I look too much like my mom. Too painful. She sends me clothes though, every year for my birthday.

I slid into the clothes, turning around in the mirror. The plaid pleated skirt was short, I had no doubts if I bent over there wouldn't be much left to the imagination. The small matching crop top had spaghetti straps, and landed on the top of my ribs. I remembered trying it on and banishing it back to my closet, thinking it was too revealing for casual wear but too casual for nightwear.

Wearing this, did I look like someone who could barely sleep? Who was scared to close their eyes? No. I didn't.

It was perfect.

"Where's the rest of the outfit?" My dad asked as I made my way down the stairs.

"Funny." I mumbled back. Our school didn't have much of a dress code, as long as everything was covered. This might push it though.

"I'll be late tonight. You'll have to find a ride home." My dad told me as he gathered his briefcase together. "Will I find you on my couch again tonight?"

"I had a nightmare. About Mom." I knew he wouldn't press much if I mentioned Mom. He never wanted to talk about her.

Dad looked at me with sadness in his eyes, opening and closing his mouth like he wasn't sure what to say. To his relief, I'm sure, he was saved by a knock on the door. I packed my bag while he answered, shoving the textbooks I hadn't bothered to look at all weekend into the white bag. I slid the pill bottle out from my bra, where I had stashed it, and put it in the bag. It would be the last place he ever looked.

"Seren, your ride is here." My dad called from the entry way.

Ride? Usually my dad dropped me off at school.

"Who is it?" Obviously my first thought went to Jax. I'd have to make myself throw up if it was him, and force my dad to let me stay home. There was no way I was getting into a car with him.

"Says his name is Carter." Dad yelled back.

Great.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked to the door. Carter was standing in the door way, making small talk with my father.

"Hey." He greeted me as I approached them. He was smiling. He was always smiling. Was he ever not happy?

"Well kids, I'll be off then. Have a good day at school, Seren." He kissed my check before walking out the door.

I didn't know what to say, so I stood there awkwardly.

"Uh, I asked you on Saturday if you wanted a ride to school this morning. You didn't answer my texts last night so I just showed up." Carter said after a second.

Texts? What texts? No one had texted me last night.

"Ok." I said. It's not like I had another ride now that my dad had left.

"You look, uh, really good today." He blushed as his eyes ran up and down my body, lingering on my exposed legs.

"Yeah." I agreed. I already knew I looked good.

"So how was your night?" Carter asked once we were in his car and driving.

"Fine." I was thinking about how I was going to cut things off with Carter without having to tell him why. Carter was persistent, as I had seen through the years of him trying to get me to go out with him. I had a feeling he wouldn't walk away so easily.

"That's good. So... it was a fun weekend. It's been a while since we've been out there. We should do it more often. Maybe even just the two of us..." He keep flicking his eyes between me and the road.

"Maybe." I wish I could tell him that I'd never step foot in that house again, but that might cause some questions.

"Sweet." He smiled at me, again. How does someone smile that much? I had to force myself to.

I turned the music up in hopes of getting him to stop talking. Was it rude to touch the stereo in other peoples car? I didn't care, either way. The audio seemed to be connected to Carter's Bluetooth, and was playing some kind of mumble rap that gave me a headache. He seemed to take the hint, and the rest of the ride was silent.

"Can you park in the back?" I asked Carter as we pulled into the school. The last thing I wanted was for Jax to see me coming to school with Carter.

I spent part of my hours tossing and turning last night thinking about how Jax was acting. He'd seen me kiss other guys before, he's seen me go on dates. Hell, he's even seen me disappear into a bedroom with a stranger or two when we've gone to parties. He didn't flip his switch until Carter.

Maybe if he never saw me talking to Carter again, he'd leave me the hell alone.

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Carter shot me a confused look, but he did it anyways. Hardly anyone ever parked in the back parking lot, so there was only a handful of cars there.

"So, I-" Carter started to talk as he put the car in park, but my hand was already on the door handle, pushing the door open.

"Bye." I cut him off, hopped out of the car, and didn't look back.