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Mason

The unbearable burning I feel inside me makes me want to tear myself inside out. Hearing Will call himself a waste of space was like being hit by a freight train.

Words I never wanted to hear from him and I'm the reason he's saying them. The worst part is I can't do anything. I want to punch something, or scream, drown my sorrows away in a never ending glass of tequila, but I can't. Because Gage Jackson is sitting next to my in the locker room angry and confused.

"Am I the fucking worlds shittiest brother or what?"

I shrug, but Gage continues anyway "what the fuck happened? I should have known something was off"

I cringe because somehow my fucked feelings for Will have hurt everyone I care about.

"Maybe he's seriously just having a bad day dude" Gage shakes his head "no. Will doesn't swear, ever. If he's cursing like that something must really be getting to him. I mean he called himself a waste of space!"

I cringe and he growls "did someone call him that!? I'll kill the fucker!" I nod, my thoughts exactly when I watched the guy call him that and more. I clench my jaw Will should have never been close enough to Shawn to hear that shit.

The bell rings and Gage punches the locker closest to him "shit!"

I sigh standing "Gage..." I clench my hands to try and keep myself composed "I know your upset but Will's old enough he'll tell you if he needs your help"

Gage looks defeated "will he?"

I sigh not having an answer for him, and we both get changed for practice.

I don't bother going home after practice instead I go work my shift at Pat's before rounding the bar and having a seat.

Gary lifts a brow "you staying?" I nod "a bottle"

He shakes his head "c'mon kid there's no reason for that" I glare "a bottle Gary" he sighs "I'm cutting you off when I see fit Mason"

I roll my eyes "whatever."

He hands the bottle over and it's the only thing I focus on for the next three hours.

I stumble into the house at 3:00am and thankfully Shawn isn't home. I could care less.

I struggle to make it up the stairs and Hank's door opens making me cringe "Mason? Are you good?"

I grunt trying to stand up and appear normal "I'm fine" Hank's face hardens "your trashed"

I shake my head "I'm not I just had....had uh a f f few drinks" he glares "are you fucking kidding me?!"

I narrow my eyes "don't s swear Hank" he shakes his head "unbelievable! You promised!" My heart sinks the minute tears start to trail down Hank's face.

"You promised I'd never have to see you like this!" He shakes his head and wipes the snot trailing from his nose.

Despite wanting to comfort him and make things right I can't even focus. My limbs are starting to fail me and my head is spinning.

Hank shakes his head "you know what, fuck you Mason!" He slams his door and I groan and try to step toward him, but only succeed in falling down landing right on my face.

I spend the night there.

••

I wake up stiff and uncomfortable. I'm still out in the hall, but a pillows been shoved under my head and if anything that makes me feel worse.

I groan as I stand and check my phone realizing it's 10 so not only is Hank already gone and I can't talk to him, but I'm late for school.

I decide not to go.

Instead I shower, grab some Advil, and attempt to sober up before going to work and asking if I can pick up a shift.

Thankfully Gary tells me I can but slaps me on the back of the head for the "stupid shit" I pulled last night; I deserve it.

After my shift I go home with 4 bags of groceries and a huge slushy for Hank. Not that it will make up for the way I've been acting, but I hope it'll help. I put the groceries away before making my way upstairs and knocking on his door.

"Hank?" I hear him move but he doesn't open the door and I sigh "Hank I'm sorry. Please let me talk to you...I brought you a slushy"

Thankfully that gets him to open the door, but he only takes it and walk back into his room. Although he leaves his door open and I assume that means I can come inside.

"You were right. I made you a promise and I broke it" he nods "yeah and?"

I bite my lip "I'm sorry, I'm sorry because I shouldn't have broken the promise, but also because I never should have made it in the first place" he lifts a brow and I sigh "I never should have promised something I didn't know I could 100% stick to my word on I let you down"

He nods slowly and I shake my head "I don't ever want to feel like your comparing me to Shawn or think I'm anything like him" I sigh "Hank I don't ever what to hurt you" he looks down staring into his slushy.

"Your the only one Mason" I lift a brow and he sighs "the only one here for me, the only one who cares" he shakes his head and I cringe at the tear rolling down his cheek

"if you..if I don't have you I have no one" he wipes at his cheek furiously "I was angry because you scared me. I was scared that you were turning into Shawn and then what? I have no one?"

He cries lightly and without hesitation I move forward pulling him into a hug. Thankfully he moves his slushy before it gets crushed between us.

"I'm so fucking sorry Hank. I love you so much, your my brother and I'll never leave you alone" he nods into my shirt and I feel my own eyes become watery "I'm so sorry I scared you" I squeeze him right before pulling back.

"Are you okay?" He nods wiping his face "yeah Mason just don't..don't come home like that again please" I nod "I won't I love you"

He sighs "I love you to..you want to talk about why you were so drunk last night?" I shake my head "just me fucking things up" he lifts a brow but I shake my head "want to go grab burgers?" His eyes light up and he nods eagerly.

I take him to Frankies and we both get a burger meal with a chocolate shake which Hank uses to replace his now empty slushy cup.

I cringe "your going to have a sugar high tonight" he shrugs "no regrets" he grins taking a huge bite of his burger. Making me laugh as I do the same.

We finish our burgers and head home, I'm thankful Hank isn't mad at me anymore. The fear of pushing him away forever hurts to think about and the fact that I even felt close to that scares me.

Hank goes to bed after I force him to brush his teeth twice since I seriously worry about the amount of sugar he had.

I try to go to bed, but it doesn't work; not that I'm surprised. Sleeping without Will isn't easy anymore, it's as if my bodies become accustom to his smell and his touch. His breathing and his weight.

I can't seem to sleep for more then 15 minutes at a time before I roll over and feel out of place. I spend the rest of the night like that.

The rest of the week I spend punishing myself.

Of course not in the way I had Tuesday night. Not wanting to risk scaring Hank or being that similar to Shawn again I stay away from drinking. Instead I do something that almost hurts more.

I sleep with everyone. Anyone interested. If someone breathes my way I sleep with them.

The way my skin crawls afterwards and the guilt eats at my stomach only fuels me that much more.

For the few moments I'm with someone I can focus on Will's face. Not the face that haunts me, but his head thrown back as his pleasure washes over him. The face I love instead of the face I hate.

I sleep with people because the minute I stop I see it. His eyes filled with pain and anger. The hurt I caused him.

I growl squeezing my eyes shut tightly before getting up from the bed of my latest conquest, Niki Fields; A girl who came into the bar.

She rolls over and smiles "leaving so soon?" I pull on my shirt "yeah" she pouts but I turn and leave without another word.

That's something I won't do. I won't spend the night. Instead I go home and I lay awake. I let myself feel pain. The burning of my eyes, the ache in my head, and the mental anguish in my mind.

Despite my best efforts to appear normal in school Gage notices a difference.

"Okay. Enough, are you sick?" I blink my head aching "what?"

Gage lifts a brow "not trying to be rude here man, but you've looked like shit for the past week, your always busy, your irritable and honestly your my best friend so I notice shit I'm worried"

I shake my head "I'm not sick" he nods "okay, between you and Will I thought there was some kind of fucking Great Depression coming"

I blink "what happened to Will, and that's not how the Great Depression works" he rolls his eyes "whatever, I just meant Will looks like shit to and he barely leaves his room anymore.."

He shrugs "Jenna forces him out and Kades come by a few times but Will just doesn't seem himself"

I can't help the way a fire starts inside me at the mention of Kade. He's comforting Will and I'm not, but there's no one to blame, except myself.

I've avoided Will since Monday and from what I can tell he's avoided me as well. I've even managed to keep Gage's stories about him to a minimum.

I sigh "have you talked to him?" Gage rolls his eyes "of course I have, he says he's just going through something, whatever that means"

I bite my lip "he'll come around" I cringe because maybe that's just my own wishful thinking. It would help me if Will seemed happy.

Gage shakes his head "I hope so, you want to come over?"

I shake my head "I can't..." his face falls and I feel bad "we're still on for tomorrow night though right? Hank's kind of pumped"

Gage grins "he'll yeah!" I force a smile.

I don't want to neglect Gage and avoiding Will means I've avoided his house, but this weekend there is a game Gage wants to watch so he's having a couple guys from the team over and Hank somehow got himself an invite. It wouldn't be fair to either of them if I cancel.

I say goodbye to Gage after practice and head home. The minute I get home I'm exhausted and I nod at Hank as I pass his room "Hey, I'm gonna try and nap"

He cringes "good plan you look like the walking dead"

I chuckle and land face first on my bed. Despite my splitting headache and my struggle to keep my eyes open, I can't fall asleep. I stand and cringe when my eyes look around my room landing on the shirt Will slept in last time he was here. That was over a week ago and I doubt his smell is even on it, but I pick it up anyway.

I don't even bother considering how pathetic it is and lay back down on my bed bringing the shirt to my nose and inhaling. His scent is faint, but it's there and for the first time in a week I sleep longer then 15 minutes. I sleep for an hour.

••

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