Walking toward my apartment I wipe the sweat from my neck. I ran six fast paced, grueling miles at the gym. Looking for some way to punish myself I set the treadmill to a painful speed.

Yesterday was spent with my head in the toilet for the better part of the day, wishing for death instead of living through the hangover. Today I don't feel physically sick, only mentally, when I think about my behavior at the party. I can't believe I was such a bitch to Shiloh. She didn't deserve it. Sierra and I are going to try to find her on campus tomorrow. Even if she doesn't want to hear it, I have to try to apologize for my momentary lapse in sanity. Whatever I feel for Noah, it's one sided, he's not cheating on me. My jealousy is completely a 'me problem.' Stepping up to my door I drop my gym bag to search for my keys.

"Evangeline" I hear his cold, angry voice behind me and I tense. Turning around slightly to look in his eyes I immediately regret it. The look of pure hatred on his face is enough to make me want to turn and run.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He seethes "why the fuck would you say those things to her?"

"I..." I'm not sure what to say, I know I was wrong and I knew what I said wouldn't make him happy but I didn't expect him to look at me like this. I thought he would be upset but he's looking at me with disgust, he hates me.

"Don't give me some bullshit excuse. You were jealous. Jealous because I want her and not you."

His words stung. I bring one hand to my chest, like I could somehow rub the aching pain from my heart.

"Noah, I'm..." he cuts me off again.

"How could you say those things to her? She's not just some fuck buddy. What the fuck do you even know about it? You aren't my girlfriend you were never my fucking girlfriend. were the fuck buddy Evangeline."

"Noah, I'm so sorry. I know it's not an excuse but I was so drunk" I'm struggling to not cry.

"You fucked up my relationship with someone I really want. I don't want you, I never wanted you. You're only good for an occasional fuck. Stay away from me and stay away from Shiloh. If you see me, turn around and walk away. I can't believe I thought of you as a friend. You're just a petty, jealous bitch"

As he turns to leave I can't stop the tears they roll down my cheeks.

-----------

Laying in my bed with tears steadily streaming down my face, I turn to restart the sad-sack-loser song about being heartbroken, again, for the hundredth time.

After coming into the apartment crying, I had to recount my horrible conversation with Noah to Sierra. She is livid. I feel like I pretty much deserved that. I'm hurt by what he said, the hatred that he feels for me, but I understand why he feels that way.

I can hear Sierra in the livingroom angry mumbling into the phone. I can't hear what she's saying but I can tell that she's mad. I assume she's telling Chase what happened.

Noah told me who he is, he told me what he wanted me for. I can't even blame him for my stupid, naive hope for more. He never lied to me, he never told me that he wanted more than sex and tutoring from me now or in the future.

I wish I could go back and tell my bright eyed freshman self to just cut our losses, don't let our heart get tangled up in this. I think back to all the opportunities I've missed out on waiting for Noah to want me.

The dates I declined, the fun things I could have been doing on Friday and Saturday nights instead of going to parties hoping to see him.

I throw my door open and connect my laptop to a small bluetooth speaker. Leaving my sad girl playlist I opt for something that matches the mood I want to feel. I'm not wasting any more time on Noah. Yes, my heart still hurts but eventually it won't and until then? I'm going to fake it til I make it!

"I do my hair toss

Check my nails

Baby how you feelin'?

Feeling good as hell"

I dance into the livingroom where Sierra is watching my from the couch. I smile at her and she screams, jumping up.

"Woo child, tired of the bullshit

Go on dust your shoulders off, keep it moving

Yes Lord, tryna get some new shit

In there, swimwear, going to the pool shit"

We're screaming at the top of our lungs, dancing the ugliest moves we can think of.

"Please do Truth Hurts next" she begs "Oh! Or Nice for What!"

-------------

Chase comes in later, finding us sitting on the couch surrounded by candy wrappers while a serial killer documentary play quietly on the tv.

He tosses as small pile of mail in between us on the couch. The first envelope is addressed to me, from Boston. I rip it open quickly reading the paper. I stare down at the letter with wide eyes. I look up at Sie with my mouth hanging open.

"You ok?" She starts to stand up. A small squeaking sound comes out of my mouth. I hand her the paper.

From:

Dr. Sheryl Ann Meyers

Boston University

Dean of Admissions

To:

Evangeline Brolin

101 E. Locust St. Apt 1B

Los Angeles, Ca

Dear Miss Brolin,

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to the PhD in Marine sciences program. Admission to our program is very competitive and we scrutinize each application carefully. We believe that a stimulating, intellectual discussion between students and faculty is a necessary ingredient of a successful graduate program. We have admitted you because we think that you will be able to make an important contribution to this research dialogue. Dr. Elana Gomez will be reaching out to you shortly to schedule a short interview with several members of the marine science department. Again, congratulations.

Dr. Meyers

Sierra's mouth falls open as she stares at me. Then we both jump up, screaming and hugging.

"OH. MY. GOD" She yells "I knew it, I knew it! I told you!"

"What's going on?" Chase yells above our yelling. Sierra throws the letter at him while we hug and scream and jump some more.