I tried not to cry while driving to campus, I wouldn't cry! I already looked like a mess and I really could miss the looks of judgmental peers while trying to focus on class. Crying, that's all I could think about. That, and how disconnected of the world I suddenly felt as I heard Mia and Lukas fighting in the kitchen. The things she said about me, hit me hard. Everything added up to making me feel cold and unworthy of love, even Lukas's love. I couldn't wrap my head around what he saw in me. Why he loved me, everything felt like a joke, me being the punchline or in this case the punching bag. I was used to it, literally.

What does he see in me, I'm nothing! Why does anyone want to be friends with me, all I do is cause hurt. I just want to disappear, crawl under a rock and stop to exist. Looking at myself in the rear mirror wasn't even helping as I felt sick at the sight of me. I'm just disgusting! Self-hate wasn't really something I fell back to often, not even when I knew my parents truly hated me, but now I felt like I hit a new low, hating myself for everything I did and also everything I didn't do. I fucking hate myself! I yelled, while slapping my hands against the wheel.

After wiping away the residue of tears on my cheeks I put on a fake smile and stepped out of the car, keeping my head low. I really didn't want to be seen, I wanted nobody to notice me, just like the first day I walked around on campus. So, yes, after all the hurt I was back to square one.

Class was a freaking disaster as history class for one reminded me of Drew and the professor really didn't manage to break through my thoughts. This day really couldn't get any worse, although I didn't want to say it out loud, cause in my case my life always seemed to get worse when I thought it couldn't. Instead of paying attention to industrial revolution my mind found itself twisted in a web of lies and hurt, thinking if things could have gone differently if I didn't keep the secret from Mia, if I hadn't listened to Lukas. Every possible scenario spun trough my brains. if I had told Mia, she still would have gotten mad, or maybe just not have believed me, and Lukas would have left me for sure, and that was something I couldn't handle.

Every scenario turned out the same or even worse... that's when I realized that blaming Lukas was pointless, especially when he was all I had left. When I heard them this morning in the kitchen, I shut down completely. I felt backed into a corner with nowhere to go. Lukas tried, he tried so hard and I just couldn't see it, I wouldn't. I know I shouldn't have shut him out but at that moment I just wanted to be alone, and I still did. Like I said, disappearing into a void, where I couldn't hurt anyone seemed like an attractive option.

After class, I went straight back to my apartment and as soon as I shut the door behind me I flipped the switch, unable to keep lying to myself for another minute. The thick wall I pulled up around myself crumbled down in a blink of an eye, crushing stone like it was nothing. While the tears build up, I threw my bag onto the floor with a thud, my books hating me for that, but at this point everyone hated me so I could care less about the damn books.

I fell into my soft matrass face first, screaming into my pillow and letting all the hurt and other bone crunching feelings out.

"I hate myself!" I yelled into my pillow a couple of times and if the neighbors would have heard me they would have heard heard my muffled cry for help, but then again, I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

After drenching my pillow with tears and sobs I had to get it together, not let my problems get to me more than they already did, failing school was definitely not going to help. I took my books from my bag and sat down behind my desk. My blank mind more focused on Mia and the hurtful things she said than on history. I felt myself slipping back into a hole, surrounded by a thick stone wall.

I was aimless, sitting behind my desk as I looked out of the window, my knees pulled up my chair as they were the only thing I could hug right now. The evening fell over my street and not even the orange of the streetlights could brighten up my mood let alone my horrible day. The weather was getting colder as fall fell over campus, the trees just as orange as the lights. I stared into the view so much my eyes started to hurt and my thoughts tortured my mind further.

What am I doing? This was supposed to be a fresh start, a new beginning... When I befriended Mia the first week here in august, I felt like my life brightened up immediately, her constant good mood and wittiness, perfectly fitting with my character. Without her I would have never come out of my shell, I would have just stayed that girl that didn't want to be seen. Now what do I do without her? Do I really want to go back to being that girl? Because if I don't, I'm not in the right track here.

I had been so lost in thought I didn't even notice it was way past dinnertime, but I wasn't hungry anyways, my hurt filling my stomach. I felt so stupid for letting this get to me the way it did.

I was doing what I promised myself not to do. I was pushing everyone away when things got hard. Well, everyone, one person. Lukas. I was pushing him away, when I needed him the most and that was typically me, running away from my problems instead of facing them. I acted so cold and the worry in his eyes just hit me now, now I was able to see the events from another perspective.

I panicked, images of his anxious expression taunting my mind and not knowing what to do with myself, I took my phone from my bag. Only to of course just stare at the screen for the first 50 minutes and by the time it was 10 p.m., it was too late to call Lukas, even if I desperately wanted to, I needed to apologize for acting the way I did. I know he was worried, scared even. I could tell by the way he didn't want me to leave, and I freaking yelled at him for that. What did I do! I need to make things right, I can't lose him, I can't, I really can't. I love him more than anything. I cried to myself, the tears creeping back up to sting my eyes.

I sighed, looking at my alarm clock, 11 p.m. I need to do this, even though it's late. My fingers were shaking with nerves as I went through my contact. What if I pushed him away completely and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? That's not going to happen, he loves you.

"Bella?" Lukas's voices sounded on the other side of the line. He sounded worried, saying my name like it was a relief.

For a second I didn't say anything, swallowing away the lump of hesitation and panick in my throat. "Lukas, I'm so sorry!" I whispered. "I didn't mean to ac-"

"It's okay." He cut me off and I almost felt his smile beaming though the phone, imagining it on the white wall in front of me.

"No, no it's not. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I'm so sorry." I exhaled, letting the guilt fall of my shoulders, hoping he would be able to forgive me.

"I know a way you can make it up to me..." He stopped for a second letting my mind wander off into the endless possibilities.

"What?" I smiled into my phone, my mood already brighter than seconds ago.

"For starters, open your door?" He laughed. What is he talking about?

"What?" I said surprised, the smile on my face growing by every word.

"I'm here, open your door." He cautiously laughed into the phone and with that, joy took over my entire being, sprinting to the door to open it and find him standing in front of me. His hair messy as if he ran a hand too many through it, his black hoodie hugging him perfectly. "Can I come in?" He asked as if all of a sudden, we were strangers. I didn't answer him in words but in deeds, pulling him through the door by his sleeve.

As soon as the door was shut, I folded my arms around his neck, holding him as close as I could, his arms immediately wrapping around my waist. "I'm so so sorry!" I half cried against the softness of his hoodie, all of a sudden ashamed of how I acted when he was so good to me, when he was here, even though I told him not to come. I was so happy he didn't listen, so happy he was here.

"It's okay." He whispered while his hand traveled to the back of my head, the comfort of his touch chattering my barriers and turned them into sobs of relief as if it could now completely let go of all the hurt.

"No, it's not okay, I'm not okay!" I sighed deeply, the words revealing my true feelings. I was far from okay.

He didn't need words to show me he understood. He pushed his forehead against mine, before scooping me up in his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist. As if I weighed nothing her carried me to my bed, letting me fall in the soft sheets before joining me at my side. "You're not okay." He said, not trying to tell me what I should be, but confirming what I was as he gently pressed his lips against my temple. "It's okay to be sad Bells. You don't have to pretend." He whispered as his hand tried to comfort me by stroking my back. I found the comfort I needed in his arms as I snuggled my face against his chest, letting his warmth engulf me.

"Why did you come?" I whispered against his chest, my voice sounding incredibly exhausted from all the crying, tears draining my eyes dry.

"Because you didn't call like you said you would, well you did eventually but..." He sighed. "Because I wanted to know if there was still a us..." He said, sounding unsure of it still as he squeezed me closer to him. "It was killing me to be at home, wondering if you still wanted me... Bells, don't leave me please..." He cracked. "The night I met you I told you I don't do begging but now I am, please." He whispered in my ear, his words anxious and desperate.

"I won't leave you!" I said louder than intended, the softness of his hoodie thankfully catching most of the sound. I looked up to meet his grey eyes, the relief in them evident. "I love you! I just..." I paused the words stuck in my mind. "I usually run when things get hard, I shut down, I hide. Everything in the book not to face my problems... I felt like that again when I heard you and Mia fight. I felt alone in this world." I said as his thumb found a lost tear on my cheek and wiped it away softly. A single stroke of his nose against mine enough to make me feel loved again.

"You're not alone." Lukas whispered and it pushed away my sadness to replace it with anything but that.

"I know." I whispered against his lips as they searched mine. The moment I felt his caress mine ever so slightly I gave in to what I wanted to do ever since I saw him in front of my door. I leaned in to taste his lips. "Promise me you'll always come back, even if I push you away?" I shook against his lips, desperately wanting to hear him agree. I knew it was inevitable that I wasn't going to try and run away again, I can't change who I am, but if he could at least promise me that, I would be able to find some rest in that.

"Always." He nodded, as his hand wrapped under my leg to pull it over him. At that moment I felt myself falling into a puddle of coziness, slowly falling asleep as my eyelids felt heavy. My stomach on the other hand had different plans as it started to growl. "Well, is it me or are you hungry?"

"I haven't eaten anything." He pulled back slightly shaking his head and I know it was disappointment I read on his face.

"You? Didn't feel like eating?" He shook his head with disbelief. "That calls for late night pizza delivery, what do you think?" He smiled, changing his disappointed expression the moment my face lit up at pizza. Now, I knew he was always going to be there for me, I was definitely not going to say no to pizza.

Both of us were lying on my fluffy carpet after finishing our pizza, my head resting next to his. He cocked his head to the side and I felt his eyes stare at the side of my face.

"What?" I smirked, keeping my eyes on the ceiling.

"The way you looked at the pizza, I'm doubting if I even stand a chance if you'll ever have to choose between a double cheese pizza or me." I knew he was smirking, so I let my head fall to the side to meet his. He's so smirking, I knew it.

With a smile and as quick as a ninja I sat on top of him, my palms resting on his chest. "Is it that obvious I love pizza more than anything?" I laughed, and just laughing over silly things felt so liberating as if today didn't even happen, like Mia never learned about the secret, like my live wasn't one big mess. I had to keep smiling, cause only then I would survive this.

Lukas's hand quickly found my hips to hold me in place, his ever-growing smile filling my head with happiness. "See, I wouldn't stand a fucking chance." He pulled up his brows like it was evident he wouldn't.

"Oh shut up, you know I love you most! I would give up pizza any day for you!" I poked my fingers in his sides, making him let out a unique laugh.

"You wouldn't Ms. I'm dangerous when I'm hangry." He burst out in laughter, his arms swinging around my waist to flip us over, my hair flying over my face as I was now laying on my back against the floor, Lukas hoovering between my legs.

"Test me." I smirked at him, wanting to taunt him into making a move. My mission accomplished when he smashed his smiling lips against mine, his tongue eager with want.

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No Autor's note as I have a double update for my Loves, cause this book has officially over 100K reads. Holy moly!

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