I shouldn't drive like this! Logan would kill me if he knew I crawled behind the wheel, drunk. And he would bury me alive if he had seen me behave tonight, that I hurt her like that. I tried to focus on the road, which was hard, considering the tears in my eyes were blurring my view on top of my drunken state. Fuck! I slammed the wheel when I couldn't contain my hurt anymore. Zach's words and Bella's lack thereof haunted me. I really didn't realize I hurt her, that I pushed her into the flowerbed, and it sure looked like I didn't care on top of it. That's not fucking true! I care! I do!

I was watching her through the window while I sipped from that damned bottle of vodka. I shouldn't have taken it in the first place, because booze wasn't going to fix how I felt. On the contrary, my drunk thoughts were overpowering and also feeding my suspicions. Fuck might have said too much to her. I knew she left to get some air, so I looked through the window to see her walk into the grass, her hands folded around her because she was cold. It was gut-wrenching to watch, and I wanted to go after her, to call her back inside, but I didn't know what to say. All my head was thinking about were awful accusations that would make things even worse. I felt myself scoff when she watched me through the window her teary eyes meeting mine. I instantly put the bottle to my lips to wash away that god awfully scoff, I felt guilty reacting to her that way. So you're scoffing at her now huh? Idiot. You love her. Go after her. Make things righ. You didn't mean the things you said, she'll understand you're only hurt.

I returned my sight back out of the window to watch her sitting down at one of the chairs. She was breathing heavy as her chest moved fast. Lukas, jerk, what if she's having a panic attack because of you? She's not. She's not. I would know what it looked like if she had one. I widened my eyes when I saw her lean forward, emptying her stomach into the grass. She felt sick and it wasn't because of the alcohol, it was because of me, because of what I said. Damn Lukas, you're a dick. How could you do this to your girlfriend!

All of a sudden, I saw red when a familiar face entered my sight. Fucking Drew! Hell no, I might be mad at her but I'll kill myself if he or anyone else hurts her. I left the bottle of booze in the room as I tried to make my way downstairs, the crowd of people and my alcohol induced legs making it really hard to get to her fast. "Lukas what's going on!" Zach stopped me when I was halfway through the crowd. Absolutely the last person I want to see right now.

"Out of my fucking way Zach!" I pushed him back as he was blocking my way. "Fucking move! Move!" I grabbed the collar of his varsity jacket and pushed him into the crowd without saying another word until I made my way into the garden, my eyes-only seeing Drew. This motherfucker is done! I went straight for him, pushing him into the grass as I started pounding his face, my hands not even in pain as my knuckles busted open. I lost myself in the tunnel of anger until I found myself in a headlock, my environment still a haze with distorted voices.

I don't think I had ever been this angry, feeling so betrayed and most of all hurt. I was angry at her for cozying up with Zach in the kitchen, for denying it to my face, for sticking up for Drew all of a sudden, conspiring against me with Zach, not telling me they saw Drew. She was sitting in the dirt when I got out of Zach's arms and I frowned my brows, not knowing why. I couldn't stop my mouth from yelling at her some more even though I knew she somehow needed help.

What hurt me most was when Zach told me she was sitting in the mud with her back against the flowerbed because of me. I pushed her. My drunken frenzy had pushed her into it, and I didn't even notice she was in pain. My entire heart crumbled into tiny pieces. I did the one thing, I promised I would never do. I was drunk, just like her parents. I hurt her physically, just like her parents. I was just as bad as them now. I needed to get away from this before I wanted to hurt myself. I thought that in her head she was comparing me to them as she looked at me. I'm no good to her like this. I fucking hurt her in the worst way possible. I couldn't stand the painful look on her face and I felt myself panic on the inside. I tried to hide it with sternness in my expression and the ice in my voice. At this point I couldn't take care of her; I was too scared to hurt her even more. I needed to walk away. I needed to sober up, so I could think straight, come up with a way to make things right. I can't lose her but I sure as hell will if I stay drunk and angry around her. I need to get my act together; I need to be alone.

It broke me leaving her like that, seeing Zach of all people helping her to her feet, knowing I was only pushing her into his arms even more. Maybe that's what she deserved; someone like him, I'm simply not good enough for her. How am I going to fix this? I hurt her and the panic that overcame me with the thought was too much to handle.

I got out of my car, wiping away the tears from my eyes, caused by thought that haunted me. I opened the door to my apartment tossing my keys on the coffee table, leaving the door unlocked in case Bella decided to come home. I don't know if she will, but I don't want her to be stuck in front of a closed door. Fuck what am I saying, I need her to come home. Fucking idiot, she doesn't need to come home, she should have come him with you. How could I just leave her there, hurt, she was hurt, and I left. I fucking left. I can't even wrap my mind around half of the shit I said, I didn't mean it, none of it apart from me feeling betrayed. I couldn't shake the feeling that something more was going on between them, but she kept denying it. How could she deny it when I saw them together? He was basically standing between her legs, caging her on the counter, and the look on her face wasn't telling me she didn't like it. How could I not think something more was going on, when I saw what I saw.

I shook my head, trying to forget about it but once I was in the shower and the water sobered me up my stomach was twisted in knots. I hissed when the water touched my knuckles as it washed away the blood from them. My hands were throbbing, painful and bruised and it was my own damn fault.

Flashes of Bells wincing came back to me while I was tortured by my own pain. She couldn't get up and I didn't do anything. I felt sick to my stomach, my chest tightening as if I was punched in the heart and someone had their hands around my throat. What the fuck did I do! I need to fix this. How can I fix this? I made such a mess out of everything...I'm the one who ruined us. I couldn't breathe, panic filling my thoughts, pushing it further through my veins. I pushed my hands through me wet hair as water fell over my face, trying to get a grip. I want to fucking disappear; she doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve her.

My painful thoughts pushed me further into a panic, needing to put hand on the tile walls to brace myself. "Dammit!" I yelled out loud in the shower as the room became small and I felt my legs become weak. "Fuck." I cried, realizing what I had done, not knowing how to make it right. I took a deep breath, but it felt like there was no oxygen in the air. I turned off the water and stumbled out of the shower, my hand searching for a towel.

I put the towel to my face and screamed into it before throwing it away against the door with everything I got, tears in my eyes making me see nothing but fog. My heart hammered against my chest and when my eyes caught my poor and cloudy reflection in the mirror, I let it all out, slamming my fist into it as hart as it could. I let myself feel every little sting of pain as I deserved it.

I slumped down on the floor, not being able to breathe, experiencing something I had never before. I think was having something a panic attack. She was experiencing this? And I let her go outside by herself? God this just makes it even worse. She's never going to forgive me... I'm going to lose her, I'm going to lose her. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt like there was no oxygen left in the bathroom. I needed air and I needed it fast.

Stumbling into my room, opening a window I noticed the deep cuts on my hand, the blood streaming down my arm to my elbow. What was I thinking hitting that mirror? That's the point I wasn't, I wasn't thinking the entire night. I pushed myself to take a deep breath when the cold air engulfed my face, thinking about her, the good times with her. They were all good until I had to blow it tonight. I'm so ashamed. I ruined the best thing in life first handed. I shook my head when I closed my eyes and I thought of her sitting in the mud again. I tried to play out how I managed to push her so hard she flew into that low brick wall. How could I not have noticed? She is fragile as it is, and I managed to break her on another level. I'm a fucking idiot!

Thinking about her smile and the sound of her voice saying sweet things managed to calm me down. I finally was able to breathe again as the panic attack started to fade away. I looked out of the window and then at my feet when blood was pooling on the hardwood floor. "Shit!" I cussed out loud as I only now noticed my hand was gushing blood.

After putting my hand under the sink, I made sure I had it all wrapped up in gauze and wound dressing from the first aid kit. I got dressed before taking a cloth to clean the floor. It took my mind off things until I collapsed on my bed, staring at the ceiling as if it was a black hole. I still had this agonizing feeling that taunted me as my thoughts went to her once again. What is she doing now? How is her leg. Why isn't she home yet. I shouldn't pity myself; I deserve the pain of waiting and not knowing where she is! I left her there, I left my girlfriend when she was hurt, when I hurt her. Fuck if anybody told me they treated their girl like that I'd say they shouldn't be together, that their relationship wasn't worth the pain. But ours is different, ours has to be. "Shit!" I rubbed my eyes again, trying to rub the nightmare away.

I tossed and turned, pushing the sheets off me, pulling them back on me, staring at the wall and at the empty pillow next to me. With frustration of it just sitting there, without her head on it, I threw it into the door, letting out all of my anger.

My eyes fell on my phone and I was curious for the time. It was 2:30 in the middle of the night. She's still not here! What the hell! I expected her to be back not much longer than me, but then again what could I expect, really? I just left without the slightest bit of remorse on my face or in my voice. I would have been afraid to come home too.

I was exhausted, yet I couldn't sleep. I kept on rolling around in my bed, still nauseous at the thought of her not coming home. I'm fucking worried now. This just keeps getting worse... What if something happened after I left? Maybe Zach took her to the hospital for her leg... No... I couldn't have hurt her that much? Could I? Dammit! What if Drew attacked her, getting revenge for me beating him shitfaced. Fuck! He's fully capable of that! That guy's a fucking psycho! Bells why aren't you home yet?? What if she got into an accident on the way here! This is driving me crazy! If she isn't here at 3 a.m. I'm going to text her. After some more tossing and turning I took my phone from the nightstand. I need to know where she is.

: Please come home

: Are you okay?

I put the phone against my chest as a waited for her to respond, my mind trying not to think of any worst-case scenarios. I was so happy when my phone buzzed shortly after. I quickly opened my phone.

: I'm on my way

I let my head fall back into my pillow with relief washing over me. She's on her way. That's when I made another mistake. I felt so relieved and relaxed knowing she would come back to me that I fell asleep. I was too exhausted, mentally and physically drained.

It was a mistake because in the morning I woke up, the spot next to me in the bed still empty. "Bells?" I softly whispered, as I scouted my room, looking for her. She isn't here. I frowned my brows and that instantly made me grab my forehead. I had a massive headache, but I deserved to feel the aftermath of yesterday. I shouldn't drink anymore, especially not with her around. That is, if I still get the chance.

I stumbled out the bed and shuffled into the living room. Along the way I remembered I had thrown her pillow into the door, but it was no longer laying on the floor. She was here. Why didn't she sleep next to me? Why should she, you tossed her pillow out of the bed? But I didn't mean it like that. I was having an internal debate with myself when my eyes spotted her. She was sleeping on the couch in nothing but a T-shirt of mine and her underwear, a blanket loosely draped over her. She's still wearing something of mine that's good right?

At first, I felt reassured but as my eyes trailed over her my heart broke beyond repair. I saw her leg sticking out of the blanket, her thigh covered in a hand width bruise and a bright red-looking scrape. I didn't even think anything for a moment, I just felt my bottom lip tremble while tears filled my eyes. Did I do that? All because I didn't want to listen... Because I had to go after Drew and take off the edge. What the fuck is wrong with me, this isn't the Lukas she loves, nowhere near. I pushed a hand through my hair before pinching the bridge of my nose and wiping my eyes dry. I don't even deserve to explain, I don't deserve to apologize but I need to. That's what she deserves, a fucking explanation as to why I acted the way I did. Lukas, if you lose her, you lose everything, just realize that before it's too late.

I went into the kitchen. Maybe making breakfast could help me think straight. As I put my head in the fridge to make something to eat it started pounding again, both my head and my hand. I don't know how I managed to take out two plates and bake eggs for the both of us. I was so lost in thought, pulled into my own spiral of negativity I didn't even notice until I laid the eggs out on a plate. One for me and one for her. I sat down with a glass of water in my hands as I watched the aspirin bubble. I just looked at the eggs on my plate, my stomach telling me that if I ate anything, things were going to come back up north and that wasn't the hangover talking. It was the bad taste in my mouth and the worse feeling in my stomach, caused by the hurtful words I had spit.

I was staring deep into the eggs, lost in thought, I almost didn't noticed Bells was awake. I looked up to see her standing in the doorway, my T-shirt loosely hanging around her tiny frame while she traced the tattoo on her wrist, her snowflake. I watched her and all the ways I wanted to apologize had vanished from my brain. I couldn't say a word. I couldn't even say hello because my voice was going to crack into a million splinters. So what? Show her you love her; show her you care for god's sake.

She gave me a small smile and I didn't even smile back, my face frozen as it tried to hold back the hurt it caused me to see her like this. My eyes trailed to her leg and as soon as she noticed, she pulled my T-shirt down, trying to cover it, hiding what I did to her. Idiot, you fucking idiot. Why don't you say something? Say something, talk about the weather, whatever, but something. She's not going to speak first, it's not up to her, and she certainly doesn't have a reason.

She cleared her throat before limping into the kitchen, her gaze falling on the now cold eggs on the table and then to the cupboards behind me. I felt someone squeeze my heart when I saw the limp she was forced to walk with, the hurt now visible on my face. When she opened one of the cupboards to take a coffee mug, I kept looking ahead of me, afraid to meet her eyes. What was I going to say? You better say something because you being quiet sure isn't going to help.

The noise the coffee machine was making was worse than the awful silence between us, my head pounding until her coffee was done. I heard her feet softly shuffle over the floor until she stopped next to me, softly placing the mug in the table. I looked up at her and what I feared would happen did. I grimaced, hurt of all sorts expressed on my face. "I think we both could use some coffee." She said so softly with a kind note to her voice it pushed the tears out of my eyes.

She couldn't look at me, as both my eyes release what they tried to hold since I saw her on the couch. She turned away, going back to the coffee machine but I didn't want her to, I needed her. I grabbed her wrist pulling her between my legs, burrowing my face into her stomach as my arms around her held her tight, not wanting to let go anytime soon. It was a relief she didn't push me away, instead she slid her tiny fingers into my hair, caressing my scalp for comfort.

Tears were staining her T-shirt, but I didn't care, she needed to feel how sorry I was, that I loved her, and had just been afraid to lose her. "Baby, I'm sorry." I shook my head against her stomach while her hands kept soothing my headache. But it was not the pounding pain in my head I was worried about, it was us. She didn't say anything, she didn't move, not away but also not closer. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you; I swear I didn't notice." I was torturing myself trying to find the right words, but there weren't any to make it acceptable. "I'm not drinking again Bells, I promise." I sighed into her, pulling her closer but one of her hands going to my shoulder pushed me back. Her hands went to cup my face and it made me look up at her. Her eyes were red and filled with tears. What am I doing to her? What did I do to us?

Her smile gave me a little hope when she used her soft fingers to wipe the tearstains from my cheeks but her words crushing me once again. "I have to get ready for class and work." I scrunched my face at the brink of releasing more tears when she stepped out of my legs. I might have ruined us. And at that thought I sobbed again, letting the tears spill when she slipped through my fingers and walked out of the kitchen.

"Fuck!" I cussed out loud when I heard the door of the bathroom slam shut. A sudden surge of desperation washed over me and I found nothing better than the throw the coffee mug against the wall to let it all out. I pulled the kitchen door shut and locked it before sliding down against it, my hands covering my face. I felt helpless, like I didn't know what to do or how to fix this, but no matter what, I needed to fix it, at any cost. I'm not about to lose my snowflake, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I sobbed into my hands as I had turned into a crying mess. We were going to get through this and rise up even stronger. I had to believe that or else I wouldn't make it.