I hung up the phone before she could say anything that would crush my heart, or more like hearing the lack of words, of her not saying I love you back. I was too scared to wait whether or not she would say it, either way the fact she would let me pick her up after her shift gave me hope.

I tried to study, as if that was going to take my mind of it... On the contrary if anything I couldn't think of anything else than picking her up, seeing her, talking to her, maybe hugging her again. I already felt anxious at the thought of explaining to her how I really felt. How insecure, her hanging out with Zach was making me, but I can't tell her not to be his friend, that would be selfish, and I don't want to keep her away from her happiness even if it makes me doubt myself.

I sat behind my desk, my pen scribbling circles on my notes, my thoughts going somewhere not related to the subject I was studying. Damn, I'm an idiot for not trusting her, it all came to backfire in my face. If I had trusted her and not made such a scene, she wouldn't have run outside, Drew wouldn't have gotten to her, for which I still don't know why she would talk to him in the first place. But if none of that would have happened, I wouldn't have pushed her. Fucking idiot, you're back to being angry for nothing, and at what cost, losing her? Stop losing your shit or you will lose her.

I sighed looking at the mess I made on my paper, not even realizing I had pushed the pen through it and was scribbling on my desk. Shit! Now this too! I can't seem to do anything right! I let my head fall back as I sighed again at the sight of my desk. Damnit! Studying right now is only making things worse. It's making my thoughts go desperate!

I was staring at my phone as I sat behind the desk, my head between my hands, watching the minutes go buy, wanting it to be evening so I could pick her up. I just need to see her... She looked so happy on the picture I had set as my background. I took it that one time in the car when we were on our way to my parents, the one where she wore that cute lilac sweater and her face was all sunshine. It was her favorite color and it looked adorable on her; everything looks adorable on her.

A knock on the door ripped me away from the good memories of that day. Her smile, her voice, her happy face, everything... "Do you want something to eat?" Mia didn't even wait before sticking her head inside my room. I was so deep in thoughts I didn't even realize she came home. "What the hell happened to you?" She widened her eyes as she now fully walked into the room, squeezing her eyes at the gauze around my hand.

"Check the bathroom." I popped my head up, telling her we no longer had a mirror there. The moment her gaze met my face and she saw my red and tired eyes she frowned her brows.

"Lukas are you okay?" She seemed worried but she was not the person I wanted to be worried about me right now. I needed someone else to care. I felt my face grimace when she asked me if I was alright, the hurt in my face more that evident.

I was not about to cry in front of my sister, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I scraped my throat and swallowed the emotions back to where they belonged, not showing on the outside. "I'm not." I tried but failed, my tongue speaking the truth while the rest of me tried so hard to hide. My voice didn't even try to stay strong as it cracked the minute I spoke.

My sister's face was all pity when she saw the mess sitting behind the desk. "What happened?" She said caringly and calm. I shook my head not wanting to say that I hurt her best friend, she was going to kill me for it when I actually needed her advice. "Lukas..." She whispered as she observed all the hurt my face was carrying. She took another step and before I could tell her what happened she threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly. She knew exactly what I needed. I closed my eyes, feeling her comfort as I hugged her back. "Talk to me. I know you're hurt. I haven't seen you like this in a long time, not since-"

"I hurt her..." I huffed out stopping her from ending her sentence, I didn't want to hear his name, it would crush me even more.

Mia pulled away from the hug, her hands on my shoulders. "What do you mean you hurt her! Bella?" She rushed as her eyes went to my busted hand, the look on her face filled with worry and anger at once. "Did you hi-"

"No!" I frowned my brows offended. She was going to suggest I hit her until my knuckles were busted and my hands needed dressings. Fuck no, I would have fucking killed myself if I did that! "Did you really just think I did this?" I said holding up my hands in anger; showing her my knuckles. "To her!?" I felt my heart leave my chest when I saw in Mia's eyes that she actually considered it for a second.

"Where is she!" She yelled at me, taking a step back as her eyes searched my room. "I don't know Lukas... I don't know what you're capable of sometimes!" Her words hurt me more than the disgusted look on her face.

"Do you think I'm some sort of monster!" I yelled back, my mouth parting with disbelief. I felt my wall going up again. Everyone always assumes the worst about me, why would I even try to show people how I feel, my own damn sister in this case. "She's at work now!" I scoffed, throwing my hands in the air with anger.

"Then what the fuck did you do Lukas! Tell me!" She yelled at my face, squeezing her eyes at me. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and she wasn't going to go away without an explanation.

"I fucking hit the mirror in the bathroom with this hand! and I hit Drew with the other! I did not hit her!" I gritted through my teeth while holding my hands up in front of me. "I did not hit her!" I said again, trying to prove to Mia that I would never do that, I wouldn't even smack her... never! What happened was an accident, one I will never forget.

I was fuming that I had to try so hard to prove I wasn't a bad person, not as bad as everyone always makes me out to be. I needed my sister's advice, not her judgement but now all I wanted to do was not say another word, crawl back into my thoughts. Bella always saw the good in me, even this morning in the kitchen she did, I just know it. I need someone to help me see it too...

I shook my head looking at my sister who's face turned soft at my words, guilty that she instantly concluded the worst. I blew the air out of my lungs through my nose at the irony of it all. All I did was protect her from Drew and now everyone thinks I'm the bad guy. But then again, they wouldn't have thought differently if I had just watched him get his hands on her. So, what was I supposed to do! I don't know what people want me to do anymore! Whatever I do I get crap for it!

"I'm sorry..." Mia sighed, sitting down at the edge of the bed her face towards the floor. "Tell me what happened, please. I'm just worried." She said sincerely, still not looking at me. I didn't want her to, her judgement would hurt me even more than I already was.

I took a deep breath with my eyes closed so I could at least try to calm down a little. Talking about it was going to be painful enough, I didn't need my anger swirling through my brain on top of it.

"I got drunk..." I shrugged my shoulders trying to explain.

"Yeah I saw that, I was there. You seemed fine though." She said questioning my state at the moment she left.

"It was after you left things got bad." I looked down at my hands as I played the event in my head, the sickening feeling already making me feel nauseous. "I saw her with Zach. They just were too close Mia... He was standing between her legs almost." I looked up and I could see by the way her lips parted that she wanted to interrupt but she didn't, giving me half a smile. "She wasn't even pushing him away... What was I supposed to think? I just got so fucking jealous... When she came to find me we got into a fight about it. I basically accused her of seeing him behind my ba-"

"She would never do that! Lukas, she loves you. Come on!" She came to Bella's defense shaking her head.

"I know! I'm just so scared to lose her that I'm a jealous prick sometimes... but I was drunk, and I didn't have a filter... I said some awful things, really awful..." I looked up seeing Mia frowning her brows at me, disappointment all over her face.

"It couldn't have been that bad..."

"Yes, it was..." I rubbed my face, grunting into my hands at the thought of my words. "But that's not the worst part."

"Are you serious!" She raised her voice, not expecting anything worse. "Did you guys break up! Lukas don't tell me you broke up with her over that guy Zach!" She reacted, panicked almost as the sadness washed over her face, my sister's eyes glossy at the thought of us breaking up.

"No, we didn't but I don't know if she can forgive me..." I pushed my hands through my head, letting them rest on top of my head as I sighed. Talking about it hurt, but it also felt good to explain.

"Forgive you for what! Jesus Lukas tell me..." Her eyes went wide while warily throwing her hand in the air, curious but most of all worried.

"We were fighting, and she said she needed air... I saw her go outside in the garden and I might think she got a panic attack, I don't know I couldn't really tell, but I just stayed in the room drinking...Dammit I d-"

"Idiot! You left her alone, even if you thought there was a slim chance she was having one, you should have gotten your ass to her! Asshole!" She shook her head, squeezing her eyes at me.

"I know Mia! Fucking hell, I know!" I raised my voice, my hand going through my hair before rubbing my face once more. If she thinks this is bad...she hasn't heard the worst yet. "I saw her and then out of nowhere I saw her talking to Drew... I lost my shit and went at him!"

"That Jerk showed his face again?!" Mia growled clenching her fist, but I'm pretty sure they were going to come flying at me when I was done.

"Like I said, this hand jabbed him in the face!" I said holding up my left hand. "I went at him, hitting him over and over again and I lost control... I don't know how it happened but, in the process, I pushed Bella over and she fell into something. She hurt her leg really bad, and I didn't even notice."

"You fucking...What?! Are you fucking kidding me!" She balled her fists some more and if she wanted to hit me, I wasn't going to stop her... I deserved it, all of it.

"At the time I didn't know... I swear I didn't know I did it..." I sighed again, my emotions weighing heavy on me. "But when Zach pointed it out to me, I felt so bad. I felt like I was just like her parents, I cou-"

Mia's face fell when she interrupted me. "You're not... You didn't do it on purpose. You're unpredictable yes, but nothing like them!" She furrowed her brows, compassion in her eyes.

"Oh no? I'm not you say...? I keep hurting the people I love... First Logan, now her!" I broke at the thought of both of them at once, resting my elbows on my knees, burrowing my face deep in my hands to hide my feelings from my sister.

"Hey..." Mia's soft voice sounded closer than before. "Look at me." She whispered as she sat on her knees in front of me, her tiny hands trying to pull my hands away from my face. "Luke, look at me." She tried again, but I didn't want her to see me like this. "Lukas dammit, I'm your sister! Don't you think I know that you're hurting?" She huffed, peeling away my hands from my face once and for all. "What did you say before? Say it again." She whispered as her sad expression met my teary eyes.

"That I hurt the people I love!" I needed her to hear the truth.

"That's the difference right there, you love her, you love her so much you do stupid shit sometimes...That's nothing like her parents." She shook her head before sighing. "Lukas you were sixteen when Logan died in the accident! Do you still blame yourself for it?" She pulled her brows up, her mouth nearly falling open with shock.

"Every fucking day!" I breathed out, grief and relief washing over me at the same time.

"Oh Lukas..." She whimpered, pulling me into a hug, causing me to join her on the floor as her embrace felt warm, giving me to comfort I needed to let it all out. I was done keeping this to myself as I sobbed onto Mia's shoulder, her hand caressing my back. "Lukas I didn't know... I'm sorry... You always acted so cold and tough... I didn't know... I... You need to tell mom and dad how you feel." She spoke, her voice on the edge of collapsing.

"I can't..." I shook my head on her shoulder, sobbing as the tears fell onto her blouse.

"Nonsense Lukas, you have to tell them... You may be my big brother, but I have your back, always..." She pulled me tighter and I think I have never been happier to hug my sister than I am now. She's right, they need to know too...After a while of me acting out every time they would ask me how I felt they just stopped asking... They were just worried, and I left them in the cold, ending every question into a door slamming argument. "I'm sure Bella will always have yours too." She ruffled her hand through my hair.

"I don't know..." I shrugged my shoulders into our embrace. "Mia after I knew she was hurt I left her there at the party, she was hurt, and I left her. Why would she want to stay with me after I did that! I left her, no way of knowing if she would get home safely. Thank god she did but-" I held her tight, afraid to face her. She going to kill me now.

"First of Lukas, have you lost your fucking mind! You dipshit! She was hurt and you just walked away!? What the fuck were you thinking?!" She slammed her hands to my ribs hard enough to make me let of her and meet the angry look on her face, her eyes however filled with tears. Great now everybody is crying. "Second, if you ever pull that shit again, I will personally castrate you and throw your grape seize balls of a fucking cliff!" She widened her eyes at me and no shit she meant it. "Third, you dipshit!" She smacked my arm hard.

"I know!!" I yelled at her as she raged, making her calm down instantly.

She sighed deeply while she shook her head with disappointment. "Forth, I know she loves you enough to forgive you. It's Bella we're talking about. Have a little faith in her. She sees the good in you, in me, hell I even think she could find something nice to say about Jess and Olivia if it comes to it and those girls come straight from hell." Mia laughed, and the choice of her words made me chuckle. "Come on Lukas, it's going to be alright." She nudged my shoulder with hers while I rubbed the tears from my face.

"I hope so..." I said softly, putting my lips in a straight line as I tried to swallow away the hurt from my voice.

"Of course! I can't imagine a world where the two of you aren't together." She shook her head and she meant it. Mia, when you need her, you can always count on her. "So now, tell me you want some takeout Chinese for lunch, it's getting cold on the dining table, calling our names." Also, you can count on her bringing food everywhere she goes.Her words put a smile on my lips as she got up. She stuck her hand out for to grab it and I hesitated. "Come on brother, I just spend my last money on two cups of noodles, and if I'll eat both I'm going to regret it." She laughed and while shaking my head with a smirk I grabbed her hand and got up from the floor.

"Alright, noodles it is." I shook my head again while rubbing my eyes for the last time.

"Good, you owe me seven fifty now." She turned to me with and evil grin on her face.

"Are you serious?" I acted like I was offended that she wasn't going to feed me for free. "Alright alright, seven fifty." I laughed holding my hands up in defense when she started squeezing her eyes at me.

I spend the rest of the day watching a movie with my sister. It was going to take my mind of things until it was time to pick Bells up... Little did I know I had to watch another movie only women could find amusing. Miss Congeniality, something... At least it was one of those movies that made you laugh instead of going through a box of tissues. I'll never understand woman because at the end Mia was still trying to hide her tears and it wasn't even so sad... Even though it was pure torture for my male brain it took my mind of the time for a while and before I knew it, it was time to pick up Bella.

"I'm gonna go now okay?" I said while I got up from the couch, sighing as I was anxious to see how things were going to go.

The moment I passed Mia, her hand grabbed my sleeve. "Hey...Good luck... It's going to be okay." She smiled at me in a comforting way, it helped, only just a little but it did something.

"I hope so." I smiled back at her while I went to my bedroom. I wasn't going to pick her up in sweats and a hoodie, especially not today. I quickly changed into black ripped jeans and out of my comfort zone a black button up shirt. It looks surprisingly okay. It was the outfit I wore on our first date and I wanted her to be reminded of that. I threw a hand through my hair and rubbed my eyes, but there was nothing I could do about their redness. Damn Lukas you really look like a mess.

I felt myself pacing rather than walking through the living room on my way to the door, nerves getting the best of me. "Lukas don't stress, you have plenty of time left to be on time, breathe." Breathe, breathe how the fuck am I supposed to breathe right now. "She loves you." I smiled nervously, not knowing how to handle myself. I hope she loves me enough to see through my mistakes. I took my leather jacket of the coatrack before leaving the apartment and getting into my car.

My nerves got even worse the closer I got to the café. I had this agonizing feeling in my stomach, a freaking meteor seize lump in my throat, and I was afraid that I would lose all my words the moment I saw her. I could only hope that when she saw me walking in that her face would light up with a smile, that would make me feel like indeed everything was going to be okay. Whatever she has to say Lukas, listen to her. Don't yell, don't talk shit, listen. She listens to you every time she needs to, now you listen to her too. Don't act like an idiot.

I parked the car around the corner. I felt a smile creep up my face the moment I walked around to the entrance of the café, anxious and nervous but most of all happy to see her. Alright now breathe.

The sign on the glass door was already turned around to closed. There goes my plan to surprise her. I looked past the sign to see if she was there. I was right, I did lose my words when I saw her, and my heart with it too. The meteor seize lump in my throat dropped to my shoes, shredding everything on its way. She's kissing him, she's fucking kissing Zach. I watched very little of it but enough to see what they were doing. I couldn't stand to watch it, tears already fogging up my eyes as the rest of me felt nothing. I turned around, balling my fists, as I walked back to my car.

I need to get out of here, I need to, I need... catching a breath was becoming harder than ever, sucking in air without truly breathing, my heart was hammering in my chest. Fuck no! This isn't happening. It almost felt like I was about to die, my legs weak like all I wanted to do was drop onto the concrete.