She slapped me, she really just slapped me and that was enough to wake me up. What am I doing?! I instantly let go of Jess, suddenly disgusted by the idea of almost kissing her. Why did I even call her to begin with? I looked at Bells with horror covering my face as I grabbed my cheek, she slapped me harder than I thought she was capable of. Her face was hurt and filled with anger while moments ago she was begging me and I kept pushing back. Why the fuck did I have to take it so far?

For a moment we just looked at each other and I felt my dry eyes turn soft as her gaze hung on to mine. "Who thought that after pushing me over you could fall any lower... I can't fucking believe you." She gritted through her teeth, and that just hit different... In my jealous moment of rage, I forgot I had hurt her too, that I pushed her into his arms whether I wanted to believe it or not. My face fell with regret as she grabbed the second shot glass, making a toast to Jess with loathe all over her face before throwing back the shot. Her slamming the glass onto the marble countertop caused me to shiver, the sound of her anger releasing, cut through my bones. The moment I heard Jess scoff on top of that I wanted to kick myself in the face. I felt sadness and regret wash over me and what happened next went too fast for my brain to understand.

"Hurts doesn't it! I couldn't quite fucking believe it either when I saw how little I meant to you today around seven!" I snapped back, my drunk tongue rolling the words out of my mouth before I knew it. I knew better, this was the moment I should have shut up, but the mean drunk in me unfortunately didn't. I saw her almost cough up the alcohol at my words.

She stepped closer and part of me wanted this to be a dream, I wanted her to just throw her arms around me and take me home. But that was not going to happen, I could see it in her face as it beamed with anger. "Asshole! You fucking meant the world to me and you know it." At her words I couldn't help but swallow. It cut me deeply and it was all my fault. How could I let down the girl I was ready to give it my all, my everything? I was mad because she kissed Zach but if it's true what she was saying than even almost kissing Jess was going to be the biggest mistake of my life. "But you know what Lukas! You're right to use past tense." What? Bells... Don't do this. She raised her voice as I watch her hand go to her wrist. No no no. I frowned my brows and felt my mouth part with disbelief as I watched her take of the bracelet that I gave her. "Whatever this was to you, it's over Lukas! I'm done with you!" I listened but I didn't want to hear it. This isn't... No baby...Just no! I wanted to say it out loud, but I couldn't. "And this." She pushed the bracelet into my chest, and I caught it before I fell, the touch of it in my hand instead of around her wrist killing me. No no no. Internally I was already crying but the outside of me was frozen with chock. "This is a fucking lie! All went wrong in my world when I met you!" She cried while heard the cracking sound of my heart breaking. This felt nothing like when I had seen her kiss Zach. Hearing her say it out loud with so much hatred in her voice was a thousand times worse.

She looked at me blankly before turning around, leaving me at the bar with the bracelet desperately clenched between my fingers, squeezing it as if it would bring me back to life. "Bella!" I anxiously yelled after he as she made her way to the door. This can't be really it? It can't. "Bells wait!" I yelled again as I felt Jess's hand squeezing my shoulder.

"Just let her go she's not worth it." Jess said, annoyance dripping from her voice.

"Shut the fuck up Jess!" I bit at her instantly shrugging her hand off my shoulder. I can believe I shrugged Bella's hand away in the same manner. That's terrible.

"Lukas!" She huffed, surprise and disappointment on her face. As if I cared.

I shook my head, wanting to slam my forehead in the marble countertop the moment I looked at the bracelet in my hand. "This was a fucking mistake. I don't even know why I called you... I can't even fucking stand you." I scoffed, not even looking at her.

She started laughing as if this was fucking funny. "You can stand me enough to let me kiss you!" She pushed her hand at my shoulder, clearly offended.

"Yeah and I shouldn't have tried, I'm drunk, I'm hurt... I don't know what I'm doing.... Jesus why am I even talking to you, arguing about this. I need to go..." I realized my time was better spend elsewhere, trying to fix the mess I created. I need to get home, now. I need to fix this, tell her I'm sorry for the thousand's time. Hell, I'm going to be apologizing for the rest of my life if it means I'll still have a shot with her. I wanted to grab my keys but my hand on the counter felt nothing but empty. "Fuck! Of course, she has my damn keys!" I shook my head as I walked away, hearing Jess shouting some mean words after me, but I didn't care.

I was muttering to myself at the loss of my keys. If I had had them, I would have been able to get home a lot faster. Now I had to walk for twenty fucking minutes. The cold hitting my face made me realize it was a good thing that I didn't have my keys. I was still too drunk to drive and that also made a certain sadness fill my guts. She cared enough to not let me drive home like this... Maybe there's still some hope?

The walk home was sobering at most. It was also dreadful and paining me to the core, with every step another memory flashing through my head. Only good ones. Those were the ones I had to hold on to. I was going to have to thank her for slapping me in the face and stopping that kiss, if I had kissed Jess I was going to regret it for the rest of my life. Her kiss with Zach was nothing compared to what I just tried to do... You fucking moron, and then to shut up about the hateful things you said to her... Asshole, she was right about calling you that. Why do I do this? Why do I hurt the people I love as soon as I drink, why do I become someone else? Because I hate myself when i'm drunk? Because I killed Logan when I was drunk. Because I lost the girl I wanted to marry someday when I was drunk! I haven't lost her yet, I can fix this. I have to.

The internal debate with myself was the worst part about walking home. Each street I got closer to the apartment the more anxious and desperate I became. I was afraid of what I was going to find walking into the apartment. It was either a Bella that was going to scold me for my mistakes and I was going to take every one of them without opening my fucking mouth. Or a Bella that was so sad and disappointed I was going to lose my heart the moment I laid eyes on her. I was scared to find both of them.

I already felt sick going upstairs with the elevator, convincing myself I had to make things right, that I was going to have to take the blame for everything, that there was a chance she wasn't going to take me back no matter what I was going to say. I felt helpless not knowing what to do to get her back.

Just breathe, listen to her for once and breathe. I tried to calm myself down but not a million breaths could have prepared me for what I was about to see. I instantly felt sick, that dreadful and ominous feeling you get just after realizing all efforts are hopeless and just before you're about to panic.

I walked in, my eyes wandering over the suitcases standing in the middle of the living room

and my mind went blank, completely in a stage of panic. "Bella?" I called through the room. "Bella?" I called again the moment my eyes saw that my bedroom door was halfway open with the lights on. "Bells?!" I yelled once more, my voice breaking at the thought of her packing her stuff. Don't do this to me... We're not breaking up...Not now...Not ever, please.

The moment I wanted to walk into my room Mia came out pushing me back and closing the door behind her, blocking my way to Bella. "Mia what are you doing?! Let me in! I need to talk to her, I need to explain?!" I pleaded as I watched my sister's face, filled with hurt but most of all disappointment and anger.

"Fuck no Lukas! You're not coming near her. She doesn't want to see you or talk to you." Mia looked at me and she meant it. She may be small but she wasn't going to back off or let me into my room as long as Bella was in there.

"Mia you don't understand!" I pleaded, trying to push her aside but she wasn't moving, not a foot came off the floor. "Mia!" I whined, desperately trying her to see that at this moment I needed to talk to her, I needed to talk to Bells.

"I don't understand what?" She huffed pushing me back a little, I was so drained, confused and just a complete wreck that she managed to push me back. "That you've hurt her enough? That you have to tell yourself at some point that enough is enough! What the fuck were you thinking calling Jess, let alone trying to kiss her to hurt Isabella! You're a fucking idiot and you need to let her leave!" She yelled, her words tearing me apart, or what was left of me. What do you mean leave... No way!

"Leave? Leave?" I pushed my hands through my hair, letting them sit on top of my head as I was getting more and more desperate the longer I wasn't able to talk to her.

"Yes leave! She's in there packing the rest of her things. She shouldn't be here any longer than necessary." She pointed her finger at me as her words didn't make sense. She can't leave me... Hell no she's not going to leave me. The thought of that alone was dissolving all the hope I had left.

"Are you out of your fucking mind Mia! The fuck, she's not leaving." I yelled until my lungs burned, scaring myself with the volume and desperation of my voice. I paced around the living room, my eyes frantically watching my bedroom door until everything went foggy. No. what do I do, what did I fucking do! I had never cried for a girl and here I was crying over Bella again and again. That meant something and I was going to lose that special something if I didn't make this right.

"Don't you dare yell at me!" My sister narrowed her eyes and hissed at me. "She's going to leave whether you want it or not." She grabbed my shirt to push me back again but the thought of losing her forever was making me angry.

"Get out of my way, so I can talk to her!" I said again, panic filling my head all the way to my toes. My hands were trembling and breathing, I didn't remember how to do that shit.

I walked towards the door, determined to walk in and just hold her and show her how much I wanted to fight for us, until she wanted to listen to me, until she understood how sorry I was. This wasn't going to end here. Mia walked in front of me stopping me from reaching that damn door. "No! Lukas Stop it! It's over!"

"That's none of your business. Get out of the way!" I yelled at her, pushing her aside, this time making her stumble away from the door.

"Lukas! Stop this! She doesn't want to be around you anymore! Let her have her peace, you've hurt her enough! Stop! Lukas you don't fucking deserve her anymore!" Her words just went in one ear and went straight to my heart. How much stabbing in the chest can I take?

"Don't you think I know that! I fucking know, but that's not going to stop me from trying! Mia I need her. If I... If I lose her..." I couldn't finish the rest of that as tears rolled down my face, and my stomach was going through a rollercoaster of emotions. "If I lose her..." I tried again to no avail... "Fuck! I can't lose her!" I yelled and I went straight for the door my hand failing to push it open. Bella had locked the door on the inside and that only made me more desperate.

"Lukas you need to stop!" Mia tried to pull me away from the door by my arm. I instantly gave her a furious look as tears were staining my shirt.

"Get the fuck off!" I pulled my arm from Mia's hands, her face a grimace that was both filled with anger and sorrow. "Bella please, we need to talk..." I begged her on the other side of the door, hoping that maybe, just maybe she would open and let me in. I let my forehead fall against the door in despair. "Baby, please open the door." I begged as the tears running down my face felt hot. Each second she wasn't opening the door it became harder for me to breath. "Please..." I pleaded as I let my forehead fall against the door one more time, my voice weak and splintered. "I regret everything I said, I regret it. You have no idea how much I regret it. Bella, please open the door." I begged her while I heard my sister madly scoff in the background. I closed my eyes to try to focus on my breathing, each word being squeezed though my esophagus. I couldn't take the waiting another damn minute. "Please, let me talk to you." I said a little louder, as my closed eyes were still trying to fight back the never-ending tears. "Snowflake." I whispered, my mind instantly going back to the way I called her that at the bar... I said in in such a mean and despicable way that I was ashamed to say it again.

My forehead was still pasted to the door when I heard the lock turn. Instantly my eyes flew open and I took a step back, letting her open the door. I waited anxiously when the door moved until I met Bella's green eyes. They were red and tired but what killed me most was that they were completely blank, like there was nothing behind them as she looked through me. She looked at me, our eyes meeting in a crossfire of guilt and nothing. What did I do to her? I took a step back as she stepped out of the door, my eyes ferociously going over the suitcase she dragged behind her. I should have gotten in her way, stop her from leaving the room with the rest of her stuff but I just stood there, like I was sucked into another world and I was only allowed to watch, to behold what I had done as some sort of twisted punishment.

She strolled to my sister, passing me without giving me another glance. "I'm ready to go." She whispered to Mia, her voice just as blank as her eyes were. Go... Go where?! Fuck no! I need to stop her from walking out of that door. Do something you son of a bitch.

"Fuck!" I grunted out loud as I walked towards her, my hand clenching around the suitcase to take it away from her. I pushed it behind me while she blankly pulled up a brow. "I know I fucked up. Baby I know you were trying to make things right and I only made things a thousand times worse." I said pushing her hair behind her ears before cupping both sides of her face. I wasn't going to give up without trying first. It killed me when she tried to look away, but my face followed her gaze, making sure it was only me she was looking at.

"Lukas don't make it harder that it is." Mia whispered but I wasn't going to listen to anybody else than the snowflake I was holding between my hands.

"Please, please Bells..." I shook her head between my hands a little to grab her attention. I felt my lips tremble before continuing to try my everything. "It's fine, hate me, ignore me, whatever...But don't leave! Where will you go? You can't go back to your apartment?" I pulled up my brows, but she did nothing, she didn't move, she didn't blink. I didn't know where my Isabella was, but this wasn't her and I was to blame. I pushed it too far, I pushed her off a cliff. I couldn't contain myself as I sobbed, bringing my forehead to hers to feel that feeling of comfort, not wanting to believe this was the last time I was going to be able to do that. My hand went through her hair and at least that got a reaction out of her. She closed her eyes at the sensation of my fingers running over the back of her head.

But that sparkle of hope didn't last long as he shook her head against my mine before leaving me all together. "Let me go." She said, not a hint of emotion in her voice and I fell apart, sinking to my knees in front of her. What more can I do? I don't want to lose you.

I snaked my arms around her hips, holding her close to me even though she didn't respond, stiff as a board. "Baby, please. Please don't leave. I can't do this. I can't lose you. Please! I love you. I made mistakes, more than one, I was mean, I wanted to hurt you on purpose, but I'm done doing that! I don't want to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I did. I know I can't change it but please I need to make it up to you! If I lose you, I lose everything I have..." I cried and sobbed, my chest moving up and down violently as I couldn't breathe.

Her hand on my shoulders felt comforting until it tried to push me away. She was desperately trying to get out of my arms, but I wasn't going to let go. "Lukas! That's enough. Can't you see she doesn't want to be here!" Mia raised her voice, grabbing the back of my shirt to pull me away.

"No Baby, please we can talk this trough, I know we can! We have to!" I cried into her jeans and sweater, my hands feeling her warmth. Squeezing her reminded me that this was real, that I was going to lose my endgame.

"I have nothing to say." She said sternly and cold, looking into the room as I looked up at her with despair.

I was desperate enough to hang on to her even though she didn't want me to. I didn't care how fucking pathetic it was. "I love you more than you think. Please don't do this." I shook my head before while I felt Mia pull my me back by my shirt and Bella tried to push me off.

"Lukas! Stop!" Mia yelled while she yanked me back until my arms slipped away from Bella and I fell back on the floor. "You're fucking embarrassing yourself!" She snapped at me again and when I looked at Bells all I could see was that blank stare again, as if she didn't even care a little, not even a tiny bit.

I watched Bells grab her suitcase before confidently walking towards the door, picking up another suitcase on her way. I sat there on the floor watching it all as my sister blocked my way. "Babe I'm sorry!" I yelled after her, hoping she'd turn around and face me, but she didn't.

"Lukas enough!" Mia yelled as she got a hold of another suitcase before shaking her head with disappointment. "You ruined the best thing in your life, now you'll need to live with it!" Mia bit at me with anger in her tone and in the way she stormed off, loudly closing the door behind her.

I flinched when the door slammed shut, the sound if it, slicing me in half. Like it was the end of something, and it was. Oh no no dear god! The one thing I was most afraid of, I fucking lost her. This isn't real, this isn't happening. We didn't break up, did we... I was instantly panicking, hysterically running my hands through my hair and over my tearstained face until my ears were ringing and my stomach twisted in knots. I'm going to be sick!

My entire body was shivering as I ran towards the bathroom, just in time for the contents of my stomach to reach the toilet. I was coughing as the lump of emotions made me physically sick. The loss of the best thing in my life as Mia described it perfectly kept ringing through my ears. But the fact that I had to live with it was something I couldn't swallow. How the hell am I supposed the live with that! I don't how to fucking do that. She was the reason I had a goal in life, now what's left? Nothing absolutely nothing.