It all felt like a dream, like none of it was real, but it was. Carrying my suitcases back to my apartment was indeed very real. I never thought to back here so soon but plans change, plans always change. Opening the door of my place and rolling my stuff inside wasn't enough to shake me away from the nightmare my life had turned into.

"Bella, I know you're not okay... You're scaring me. Please say something." Mia gently put her hand on my shoulder as we stood in the living room and my gaze met the worry on her face.

"I'm going to take a shower." I said as all my emotions had been drained away from my core.

"Bella, please talk to me. I get that you're angry and upset but please don't shut me out." She begged as the entire car ride I wasn't able to say a word, nor did I let a single tear since I left that bar. I didn't even think about it, about him, about all of this mess.

"I'm not, I'm just going to take a shower. I'm tired." I gave her a faint and fake smile while I started going through my stuff, trying to find something to sleep in and my toiletries. "I'm fine. I just want to get out of these clothes, it's late and I have classes tomorrow." I shrugged my shoulders before going to the bathroom, the corner of my eye spotting Mia flop down on the couch with a sigh.

I thought a shower would wake me up from this state of chock, from feeling so disconnected but it didn't. I still didn't feel a thing. The thoughts in my head were still empty but peaceful and that was quite nice for a change. That last person I wanted to think about was him and this hole I fell into was keeping out every thought, just me and myself at the bottom of it. I felt a hint of pain earlier when he begged me to stay, when he cried on his knees for me, because I could feel how much he regretted it. That pain was quickly replaced by a blank memory of nothing and that's when I left.

Coming out of the bathroom fresh and clean I changed into some shorts and a T-shirt. I saw Mia still sitting on the couch where I left her, this time wiping her eyes dry. "Are you okay?" I asked her, sitting next to her on the couch. I might not care about myself at the moment, but I still care about her.

"I just hate being in the middle of this all." Mia shook her head, another tear escaping from her eye. "I'm just so mad at him! How could he do that! He wanted to kiss Jess on purpose just to hurt you. Who does that! I'm just... I'm just so disappointed in my own brother that it hurts." She rubbed her face with her hands and grunted with frustration. "Also, do you really think it's a good idea coming back here?"

"I don't have another choice..." I instantly shrugged my shoulders. "The rent for this place was already paid this month and I have only little money left from the shifts I did at the café so I can't afford to go to a hotel..." I shook my head rationally. "He gave me no choice." Looked at her, her brows in a frown. "I'm going to try and find another job tomorrow after class..." I said as I slumped back into the couch.

"Don't you think you should give yourself a break from everything, I mean considering what happened." She frowned her brows some more, as if I had said something wrong.

"I don't need a break." I almost snapped but my voice just stayed dry.

"Bella..." Mia whimpered, before looking at me with a parted mouth. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she looked worried but there was nothing to be worried about, I was fine, or at least that's what I convinced myself of.

"I really don't... I have never felt better." I said trying to sound joyous, but she could feel it was all fake, her face in a deep frown as she tried to read my emotionless expression.

She scoffed a little, but that couldn't offend me, not even a little... "Why don't I believe that..." She questioned me as she shook her head.

I sighed as this trying to convince her I was okay was taking more energy than I had left for today. "I'm finally feeling nothing, and it feels freaking amazing. I'm not scared of my parents anymore, I don't stress about my future, I can't feel my heart crumbling. I have never felt better." I said confidently as my thoughts were finally silent instead of them constantly screaming into my ear.

Mia scoffed, not believing a word that came out of my mouth. "And how long do you think you can do that? Keep up a fake front like that." She sighed at me, at my cold expressions, my emotionless exterior.

"As long as I have to." I smiled at her before getting up from the couch to make my way to my bedroom. I just wanted to sleep and maybe never wake up again.

"Alright then..." She huffed, shrugging her shoulders. "I'll be by your side as long as I have to too..." My mouth nearly dropped at her words as I watched her throw me a smirk. "Give me something to sleep in so I can take a shower too. I stink." She said standing up with her arms crossed over her chest.

"What?" I asked surprised, watching her smile at me like a lunatic.

"You heard me... Don't even think I'll let you get through this by yourself." She smiled more and at this point she was freaking me out.

"I don't need to get through anything, really. I'm surprisingly fine." I shrugged my shoulders again, clearly not ready to admit to it.

"Girl stop it with the bullshit!" She raised her voice as she started pacing through the living room. "I know you..." She held up her hands, pointing them to me as I just watched her with a cocked brow. "Alright fine, you don't want to give me clothes I'll find them myself..." She frantically started going through my stuff until she found an oversized T-shirt. "This will do! I'm not leaving you tonight." She came back up from my suitcase with a wide smile on her face with which she hid her worry.

"Mia I really want to be alone." I squeezed my eyes at her, but did I really?

"Yeah, yeah whatever. Whoever is talking right now, it's not you. You're just trying not to break down and I'll be here when it happens." She scrunched her face at me playfully. I chuckled and rolled my eyes at her determination.

"Mia you don't have to." I insisted.

"I don't but I will. Now, I'm going to take a nice shower." She smiled again as she made her way over to my bathroom. She was trying her best to cheer me up even though she was hurt too in a way, disappointed to say the least.

She was already halfway into the bathroom when I thought of something. "Mia-" I shouted at her trying to warn her how hot I had turned the water.

"La la la can't hear you... I already got water in my ears." She shouted from the bathroom and I had to bite my lip until the moment I heard her cuss as the water coming out of the faucet was excruciating hot. I flinched at the sound of it, but I had warned her. Not my fault she didn't want to listen.

I looked at my bed and it was calling me. I crawled under the sheets, shivering at how cold it was. It was either that or my cold front melting. I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep, thinking of absolutely nothing. Even though my head was empty I kept tossing and turning until Mia strolled in, letting herself fall back on the bed next to me.

Mia sighed deeply as she crawled under the sheets. Sighing so deep on purpose that it made me turn around to face her. "I'm awake, you do realize that, right?" I said dry.

"Yeah why do you think I'm sighing." She smiled at me as if she had won something. "You kept your back at me." She narrowed her eyes at me. "I made you turn around." She smiled, showing me her teeth like a child.

I playfully scoffed as I tried to get comfortable while facing her or the sighing marathon was never going to stop. She laid on her back when her face suddenly fell my way and she put her lips in a straight line.

"What?" I widened my eyes at her, knowing something was brewing on the tip of her tongue.

She took a deep breath as I saw her scan my face. "You do know I love you like a sister, right?" She pulled up her eyebrows and I nodded. "That's never going to change no matter if you love or hate my brother." The corners of her mouth curled up into a smile and that's when I realized that apart from her playing a big part in it my life wasn't going to be the same. There was this emptiness that was screaming to get a place now, or worse get filled in. A part of me that was filled with everything about Lukas, and it was always going to feel lost without him. I was always going to feel lost without him.

I felt my bottom lip trembled when a storm erupted in my head. I had turned half of my heart into a void that was now so empty it started to hurt. All the feelings came back at once and I felt like I was going to collapse under their weight as it pushed me into the matrass. My rips felt like they were shrinking, contracting around my lungs, my lungs then squeezing my heart. "Mia..." I whimpered as my mind was filling in the spots of hollowness. I could see Lukas's face is hers, flashes of the first time I met him to the point when he begged me to stay came back to me, tearing through me like a was made of sugar. I felt myself shatter all over again as Mia's hand reached for my face and I burst out in tears. "Mia I... I don't know how I'm going to get through this!" I cried out loud, the emotions I had pushed away into box were now painting me with all their shades of darkness.

Mia pulled me into her arms so I could break down into the comfort of her embrace. "Sssh, hey, you don't have to do it alone." Her voice slightly cracked. "I'll be here whenever you need me." She pulled me even closer and that hug was what I had been longing for after all. With her I felt safe enough to let down that wall I had pulled up the moment Lukas tried to kiss Jess.

I shivered, letting myself feel the heartbreak. "I don't think I can do this?!" I cried, I wanted to yell it almost.

"You're stronger than you think! You are Isabella Clarke. You are a magnificent human being. You have no idea how much I look up to you! That you're still this gentle, loving person after everything you've been through! Don't ever change the way you are and I feel lucky to have you as a friend. My best friend." She said confidently into my hair, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to believe it. Right now, all I wanted to do was cry.

"It hurts." I sobbed, trying to catch a breath in between the cries.

"I know it does... I know." At her words I finally got why she was so angry at me after she found out Jason had been cheating on her, and everybody knew, including me. It damn fucking hurts and I wasn't the friend she needed at the moment. She had to get through it alone and I couldn't even wrap my head around how she managed to do it. If I had been alone now, I would have sunken into the darkness clouding my thoughts.

I took my head away from her shoulders to meet her teary eyes. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you broke up with Jason. I'm so so sorry." I shook my head, needing her to believe me.

She nodded caringly. "I know, I know you are. You'll get through this." She tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks that didn't have a point as I couldn't stop them from coming out of my eyes.

I sobbed myself to sleep next to Mia who was getting changed the next morning when I opened my swollen eyes. "Hey." She said softly as she was putting on her jeans. "I'm sorry but I need to take Ben's car back, he needs to go out of town today. I'm really sorry." She apologetically pouted at me and it almost made me chuckle.

"It's fine, I have to get to class anyway." I sat up when I realized, there was still this thing called school.

Mia shook her head and frowned her eyes at me with her hands resting at her sides, it was quite the sight as she tried to mother me. "No, you don't have to Bella, you should stay in bed all day, sleep, rest, give yourself a freaking break." She squeezed her eyes at me.

"I promise to give myself a break after the exams of this semester." I smiled at her, if you could even call it a smile.

"Bella! If I didn't have to go right now, I would have strapped you to that bed." She shook her head as she checked herself in the mirror. "Take a break Bella, just a little break." She snapped her head at me with a smirk.

"Go give Ben his car back already." I said, rolling my eyes at her before I let my head fall back onto my pillow again feeling like absolute crap.

"Tonight, we're going to watch a shitload of movies and we're going to get fat on ice cream. You're not going to escape that." She said as she made her way to the door. "I love you." She said softly but sincerely as she popped her head back into the room.

"I love you too." I whispered my head instantly wandering off to a picture of Lukas's face. I used to say that to him too. I can't take a break, I just can't.... I'll completely fall apart if I do.

I got out of bed and strolled into the kitchen; my cupboards just as empty as they were when I left... I might need to go to the store before a go to class. Looking at myself in the mirror I was remined of the mess I turned myself into. The bags under my eyes had their own nicknames and my eyes so red from crying it looked like I could have been on drugs. I tried my best to make something of my sad face before throwing on a sweater and some fitted jeans.

I sighed looking at my suitcase in the middle if the living room, I still had to unpack that crap but that was going to have to wait. Food first.

On my way to the store in the cold November air my phone started to buzz. My heart skipped a beat, afraid that it was going to be a text from him... I can't take it to see his name on the screen. I felt even worse when I took my phone out of my back pocket and saw his face, smiling at me from the background of my phone. I had to focus on something else, something other than him, it hurt me too much to let him seep into my thoughts. I focused on Mia's name on the screen while I entered the store. Taking a basket, I opened my messages and started to read.

: Sooo, apparently Ben is going out of town to his parents for the weekend and he asked me if I wanted to come? Is it okay if I go? I don't really want to leave you alone...🥺🥺🥺

Who am I to stop her happiness? I felt her being happy and that made me smile at my phone even though I wasn't looking forward to spending the weekend by myself as the loneliness would twist the knife even deeper into my chest.

: Goooooo! 🥰 They're going to love you. You're only a phone call away if I need you 😎

I tried to reassure her that this was what she had to do; she deserved all the happiness with Ben that she could get. I felt a smile creep up on my lips as I put my phone away, but my mind instantly told me I'd have to have to have a movie night by myself.

Picking up a box of cereal from the rack, my sleeve was pulled up, exposing my wrist and my eye caught the little snowflake tattooed on my skin. I left the box of cereal for what it was and quickly tried to cover it up, pressing the fabric of my sweater onto the ink, as if that would make if fade away. Of course that wouldn't make it fade away, but what else was I going to do, just forget that it was there? It was going to haunt me for the rest of my life, yet for some reason it didn't feel like a mistake, it just hurt. I bit my lip as my face filled with pain and the lump in my throat cut off all of my appetite. I don't need cereal to get through the day, I need something that will make me forget.

I forgot about classes and basically anything else I needed to do that day and while I unpacked my groceries, I stared at the two bottles of vodka I bought. I should have put them away, hid them from myself. Getting drunk wasn't the answer to my problems, but it sure was going to help to numb the pain. Woaaah shit, I'm really becoming like my parents. I laughed out loud and rolled my eyes at the thought of them always lying on the couch day drinking.

Crawling back in bed with my laptop and a bottle I was ready to take the edge off, give myself a break and forget. Little did I know getting drunk during the day was only going to make me angry, angry at him and even more angry at myself. By the time it was a little over six in the evening I was completely wasted. I couldn't even concentrate on the movie anymore without spewing my thoughts. "All these people in the movies just get happy ending like it's easy! I'll never get one now, you fake ass sons of bitches!" I scolded at my laptop as if anybody could hear me. "This isss all a load of bullshiiit!" I slurred terribly, angry that the couple in the movie were getting married and having kids. "Yeah, you be happy... bla blaaaa barf! He's gonna cheat on you after 5 years of marriage, you'll file an expensive divorce and you'll have to drag the kids from one place to another... You idiots... Happy endings don't exist!" I slammed my laptop shut and shoved it off the bed as I was internally raging.

I took away my own happy ending... No! He took it away too! I grunted as I took another sip from the bottle, the alcohol oozing away the bad taste in my mouth. After another sip my eyes fell on my phone and when I tapped on the screen, I saw his face again... The sight of him being happy in the photograph made me sick with regret, but most of all angry. I could barely see straight let alone think but still I picked up my phone and called him.

I waited, huffed and waited more until the phone went over. "This is Lukas Kane Davis, don't waste your time talking to your phone...I don't do voicemails." Dammit! "Beeep." Shit.

"You assssshole! You don't do voicemailsss huh! I'm f-f-fucking pissed at you right nowww... I have the courage to call you, even if it's to sssshout at you and you don't even ffffucking pick up your damn phone!" I was slurring my words as I spit them into my phone instantly regretting me calling him like this. "Why did we ruin us?" I said softly as I cried into the phone now, anger within my tears. "Why did you make mistake after mistake after mistake...? God why did I too! I thought that we loved each other, I thought that we were going to have our happy ending together! But you took it away from me, from us. How could you! I will never, do you hear me, never forgive you for this!" I yelled into the phone as tears fell into my lap before taking another sip from the bottle. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not being good enough, for making mistakes." Another sip went down my throat. "I don't want to see you, hear from you but dammit I... I...Lo-"

"Beep." The voicemail ended and I instantly raged because I didn't get to tell him everything.

"Noooo! I wasn't finished!" I yelled out loud before throwing my phone to the other side of my bed, taking another sip. I finished the bottle and with that I was also finished for the day. Yes, I had gone off the deep end... No way idea how to go back. Even the length of his voicemail agrees that this is the end...

My entire weekend looked the same, drinking until I passed out with Mia frequently calling me to check up. Luckily, she would always call when I was still able to speak normally. If she had any suspicion of me getting drunk it would have ruined her weekend and that was the last thing I wanted.