To say that everything from the moment she left became a blur, was an understatement. That night was probably one of the worst nights of my life, but one thing was for sure... I needed to stay away from bars and alcohol. They were the reason I got myself even deeper into this mess, they were the reason I gave her enough motives to leave. They would make me lose all my rationality and I didn't want to meet the dark thoughts that came along with that.

That night I tried to sleep but I was afraid... I had a feeling that it still wasn't over... unable to let her words sink through, unable to see that her stuff was gone. I tossed and turned trying to find her in my bed, trying to smell her sweet scent but even that she had taken with her. I stared at the ceiling until darkness filled my eyes and I had to blink.

I wanted to stop thinking about her but the memories, all of them, of her, kept haunting me, still not wanting to believe they were going to be memories I only would be able to share with myself. Not a single moment did I feel my eyes get heavy as all I wanted to do was go to her, to talk to her, something I should have done before going to that damn bar.

The lump in my throat was almost choking me when the thought of her leaving with that coldness in her voice ripped through me. She had nothing to say. That wasn't like her at all...and it was because of me. I'm not going to lie that it felt double seeing Mia leave with her. I was happy someone would watch over her, to make sure she was okay... but it also made me feel alone... Bells was always the one I could turn to, the one I could show my deepest truest feelings and I pushed her away in this messy accumulation of mistakes. I want her to come back to me... Snowflake please, please come back to me.

I wanted to sleep so I would be able to stop thinking about her for a minute, but I was restless. I didn't know what to do with this pile-up of feelings and the chaos of good and regretful memories meshing together. Sleep wasn't what I needed, it was a waste of time, wrapping myself in sheets trying to doze off. It wasn't going to happen, but I also didn't really have someone to talk to. Ben told me he was going to surprise my sister this weekend and I didn't want to ruin her happiness again by bugging Ben with my errors. Shit...

I sighed getting up from the bed, leaving my sheets in a messy ball behind me. I grabbed a thick hoodie and hoisted myself in a pair of jeans. I just need to get out of here! I knew exactly where to go.

I stopped at a gas station and fueled up the car, enough to take me where I needed to go. After getting a coffee inside the station I was on my way for a three-hour drive. Never thought I was going to go there after all those years, but maybe that was exactly what I needed. I needed someone to talk to, I needed a friend.

I thought it was going to be impossible to keep my eyes open and focus on the road, but the way Bella left tortured me enough to make me stay wide awake. I rubbed my hand over the back of my head when I desperately tried to keep myself from giving up all hope. She might change her mind... It has only been a few hours and I already feel like I had to miss her for a lifetime worth of moments. If this is only a few hours I can't imagine living a whole lifetime without her. I can't even bare the thought of it. Fucking hell why did I handle this so poorly? I should have been smarter than that.

I parked my car at this place and by the time I arrived the sun was already rising, the yellow orange sky greeted me, yet all felt gloom considering where I was. Locking the car, I pulled my hoodie over my head, the cold wind making me shiver. The place was unfamiliar as I had never been before, the grass green and the threes surrounding this place bare. Looking around me it looked just as grim as it felt. Nothing about this place added anything to my happiness, but it was still where I needed to be.

My eyes wandered off, looking for what I needed. I buried my hands in my pockets as it was way colder than I expected, cold because of the temperature, and cold because of what this place brought with it.

I sighed when my feet came to a stop. His name on display suddenly grabbed my attention. I wish I didn't have to come here, but at this point I don't know who else to turn to.

I didn't know what to say, how to hold myself together, how to behave when I found myself here for the first time. What do I do, do I start talking about the weather, there's a reason I never wanted to come here...

"Hey." I forced out of my throat, my voice instantly regretting me trying to talk as it was rough due to a lack of sleep and the emotions it was attempting not to carry. I scraped my throat before taking a deep breath. "It's been years, I know... and now I finally have the guts to come here I'm as good as speechless." I huffed before my eyes fell on a patch of soft looking grass in front of me. I pulled my hands out of my pockets and sat down resting my back against Logan's tombstone. The cold material instantly made me shiver.

I looked ahead into the sunrise, roughly rubbing my tired eyes. I'm not going to cry anymore...don't you cry. I tried to tell myself but the thought that it should have been me here watching the sun rise every morning from this spot instead of him made all the guilt rush to my eyes and thoughts, tears instantly burning in my eyes. "Jesus, man... I'm sorry for being such an emotional wreck... You were always the tough one..." I felt the hurt in my voice giving me trouble breathing but hearing myself talk to my dead friend made me let out a pathetic laugh. He was the tough one, the one who wouldn't let people mess with me, he'd have my back, always. Now there's nobody left to catch me if I fall, not even her.

I took another deep breath as I let my head fall back again the stone, letting the tears overcome my face as if I was sitting in the pouring rain. "I'm sorry Logan, for not looking out for you, for being on the wrong side of the car, for making you miss out on your life..." And as I spoke, I realized why I felt like sinking in quicksand after he died. I never felt like I deserved to live my life to the fullest because I, even if it was an accident, deprived him from living his. Meeting Isabella was like being pulled out of it, slowly stopping the guilt from swallowing me alive.

I rubbed my face again, burying it in my hands to stop the sobs from coming out of my mouth. "I couldn't even bring myself to come to your funeral. I never said goodbye. I'm sorry!" I begged as if I was asking him for forgiveness, as if I ever was going to deserve it. "I'm sorry!" I let my head fall back against the stone, my hands on my head as my chest moved quickly, trying to breathe, trying to push it all away but I couldn't. It all needed to come out so I relaxed, letting my tears wash away some if the pain.

"I just couldn't stand to look your parents in the eye, to see how they felt sorry for me but blamed me at the same time. I was afraid that I would never forget the look on their faces, that they would haunt me... But what haunted me more was never having the guts to show up, to tell them how sorry I was, that I never meant to hurt you, that I wished I was the one who didn't survive." I cried; the sound of my own sobs terrified me. "I still do sometimes, and it scares me." I tugged at my roots, trying to feel alive when I was dying on the inside. "I wish that it was my name on this damn stone... I..." I sighed deeply. "I fucking miss you! And I don't know how to forgive myself..." I sobbed, bending forwards to put my head on my knees and wrap my arms around it as tears spilled into the lively grass. "I need help, I fucking need help...I." I couldn't speak anymore... I couldn't push myself any further to admit that my guilt was killing me on the spot. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Calming myself down wasn't going to happen as the bottled up hurt and guilt from all these years finally came to the surface. It tried to let it out before but failed and now that my only lifeline also left me, I felt like I had no other choice than to try and save myself. 'I'm just so sorry." I cried, rubbing my eyes with palms of my hand.

For a few moments I just sat there, staring into the colorful sky, the purple tones reminding me of her. Without realizing it my hand went inside my pocket. I pulled out her bracelet, my eyes instantly wandering over the rose gold plate as I felt it between my fingers. When they met, all was right in the world. Reading the phrase made me chuckle as tears still stung my eyes. She's right, all is fucking wrong right now. "I uuuhm, I met this girl, Isabella, Bells I call her... This is hers." I smiled holding up the bracelet as if he was really here to see it.

"Dammit, I wanted to leave it here... You know, I hurt you, I hurt her, I thought maybe I could leave it all behind me but I just can't." I clenched my jaw and swallowed as I kept staring at the inscription. "You'll always be my best friend and she; she'll always be my first love." I shook my head while stretching the elastic band of the bracelet to put it around my own wrist. "Maybe she wants it back someday." I looked at it, hoping one day Bells will ask me to give it back to her, to make things right... until then I'll hold on to it.

"My first love... Who would have thought those words would ever come out of my mouth." The thought of her made me smile yet shortly my expression overcame with regret. "I met her at a party. She walked in with my sister and Logan you would have approved if you were there, hell you might even tried to get her attention yourself. She was, is, so different from all the college girls. She intrigued me from the first time those green eyes of hers looked at me all judgmental yet fascinated." I chuckled at the memory of seeing her for the first time.

"She had this softness and elegance surrounding her while my surroundings disappeared, and I could only see her..." I paused, not fighting back the smile on my lips. "She's a snowflake...You always told me to look out for those and never let go if I found one... and it's her." I chuckled at her nickname rolling over my lips, the memories about the endless conversations about girls we had when we were younger made me smile nostalgic. You never got to find yourself a snowflake. "I was so scared by what she made me feel that I had to stop it. I didn't find a better way than to say something mean to her. I called her a stuck-up bitch." Thinking back to that I chuckled and shook my head, almost rolling my eyes at myself for calling her that when she was far from it.

"Not my finest moment I know, but damn when she opened her mouth to snap something back, I knew I wasn't going to get that girl out of my head and trust me I tried." I pushed my messy hair from my face and rested my head against Logan's stone to look up at the sky once more. "Here I am trying to get her out of it again and I don't think it's gonna work this time either." I closed my eyes trying to feel whatever it was that coming here and talking to myself was going to make me feel, a whole lot and nothing at once.

"Ever since you died, I was living day by day, not even bothered about my future, not giving a care if I even had one or not. I was acting out, taking every party drug, or cup of alcohol I could get my hands on to feel numb." I sighed, disappointed at myself for going there, getting myself in trouble every weekend or maybe even every day. Back then I didn't care, but now I felt ashamed.

"When she came around none of that stuff mattered anymore, I didn't need it because for the first time I could picture a whole life for me, me and her, together. I just..." Fuck. I cussed under my breath and into the sky. "I still do... I still picture my life with her...I'll probably always picture it like that." Shit! I cussed again realizing that forgetting about her wasn't an option. I needed to make it right one day even if it meant giving her time in the present.

Just breathe Lukas, breathe... If she loves you, like you love her she'll eventually forgive you. "I found her kissing another guy..." I let my head hang low, the image of Zach and Bella still very alive. "I had never felt so betrayed before. I knew I wasn't good enough but this, another guy... I wasn't ready for it even if I suspected something was going on." I rubbed my face again and I was sure that by now my eyes were red and sore like just like the skin on my face felt sensitive to the touch.

"I was so enraged, seeing red that I did something even worse. I got drunk I called another girl, just to get back at her." I grunted at the thought of calling Jess. Idiot. "I tried to kiss that girl in front of Bella for the purpose of hurting her like she had hurt me. She broke up with me and I can't blame her. She told me she pushed the guy away and I did all that stupid shit without even listening to her first, I called her names. I..." I sighed deeply before continuing. "She was packing her bags, ready to leave and I begged her, I kept begging her but there was nothing I could have done or said to make her stay. She's done with me, but I can't let her go. It's pathetic I know but I just can't picture the rest of my life without her, I can't even picture next year or next week without her... I don't want to picture it. I just don't want to." Tears started rolling from my dried-up eyes again. I looked up at the sky to see darkness suddenly pushing away the orange clouds of sunrise.

"I did some stupid shit, but I just need to know that everything's going to be okay again, that we can fix this mess and be happy again, both of us. I just need a sign man, something to hold on to, a little hope" I sighed resting my head against the stone while I looked up at the sky. "You'll always be my best friend Logan and I promise to come here more often..." Suddenly a raindrop fell into the corner of one, making me squeeze both of them shut. I looked back up to the sky so see more of them falling down. They fell onto my face and blended with my tears.

I let out a little laugh. "Dude, are you actually kidding me now??" I smiled; my voice filled with surprise. I shook my head as I got up from the grass, dusting the dirt of my pants. "Hope right?" I look at his name on the tombstone, fake yellow tulips next to it. I chuckled as I walked past him, patting my hand on top of the now cold and wet stone before I left in the pouring rain. "I miss you man!" I whispered softly.

I drove off, following the graveyard in the corner of my eye. Only five minutes into the drive it stopped pouring from the sky and I drove into the sunshine again. "Hope." I chuckled out loud. I knew exactly where I wanted to go next to live on that little spark of hope and so I did.

I drove to the lookout spot at the beach where I took Bells to cheer her up after Mia and her had a fight at my parent's place. She looked so happy when her eyes watched the ocean move against the pier and the sand was almost luminous under the sun. I even took a picture here. I smiled at the thought and grabbed my phone form the seat next to me to find it gone. I was sure to have put it there before driving away from home last night. I think I'm really going crazy!

I parked the car at the lookout spot. I just sat there all day long watching the waves move and cars pass by, thinking about my visit to an old friend and how to deal with the pain I held on to for too long. Going there turned out to be the right thing to do as it helped me let go of some of my guilt. It also gave me what I needed which was a little bit of hope. This can't be over, just like that... A life without her would just be the same old torture.

After watching the sun set into the waves, I drove back home, my head clear and my heart maybe a little bit healed. Or more like patched together with optimism. I got home to find the house empty and a note from Mia that Ben took her to his parents. He had been planning this for a couple of days and although I could have used his advice, he needed to be happy, with my sister, even if I was still getting used to the idea.

I walked into my room with a sigh, exhausted from not sleeping at all the night before and when I let myself fall back into my thed my head fell onto something hard. Motherf- I cussed as my hand grabbed that damned thing at the back of my head, the familiar feeling instantly telling my brain I had found my phone.

I frowned looking at the screen as I laid on my back and held my phone up above my face. She tried to call me? A voicemail, she left a voicemail? What? I maybe... What the fuck I'm confused now. Logan wasn't kidding with his sign of hope. I chuckled a little, anticipation of hearing her voice making me bite my bottom lip with excitement.

"You have one new message, to listen to your messages press one, to delete your messages press 2, to -" A female voice said, and I instantly pressed one while rolling my eyes. I help the phone to my ear. As if I don't know I have a new message. This is why I hate voicemails; you have to listen to that computer chick and dial a bunch of number for half an hour to listen to you voicem-

"You assssshole! You don't do voicemailsss huh! I'm f-f-fucking pissed at you right nowww..." Bells? I pulled up my brows, the sound of her voice all but soothing. "I have the courage to call you, even if it's to sssshout at you and you don't even ffffucking pick up your damn phone!" What no! I forgot my phone, I... dammit! Is she drunk? Fuck she's drunk. My mind was all over the place as the hatred in her voice stabbed me in the chest and the fact she was drunk ripped it out completely. "Why did we ruin us?" I don't know. I whispered into the phone softly. She was crying and I could feel she was hurt deeply, I was too. "Why did you make mistake after mistake after mistake...?" I don't know. I whispered again softly as I felt my eyes burn, the hope I was holding on to slowly disappearing. "God why did I too! I thought that we loved each other, I thought that we were going to have our happy ending together!" I still want it Bells."But you took it away from me, from us. How could you! I will never, do you hear me, never forgive you for this!" She yelled at me while trying not to slur. Drunk or not, her words cut into me like a thousand paper cuts. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not being good enough, for making mistakes." I could hear her swallow down something as the sound of liquid stirring in a bottle rushed through the phone. "I don't want to see you, hear from you but dammit I... I...Lo-" You what? Bells, You what? I panicked as the voicemail abruptly stopped.

"No no, no, no, dammit, fucking voicemail!" I gritted through my teeth while emotional and physical pain rushed through my veins. "She doesn't want to see me, hear from me! Fuck no!" I shook my head with the phone still pasted to my ear. Just like that I lost all the hope that just sparked a bit until it exploded and evaporated in the air. Never forgive me for this, she really said that? As her words sunk in deeply, the hurt and desperation all came flooding back at once... "Did I really lose her?!" I yelled with disbelief.

"To listen to this message again, press one. To dele-"