The white rigid shirt felt stiff against my neck, so did the black tie that seemed to choke it. The discomfort stifled me as a whisper of sweat trickled down under my collar. I rolled up the sleeves of my black suit jacket. Clenching my fists in and out with nervous hands.

Fuck. I hated this feeling.

It's the feeling of waiting for doom or peace to come. The jury, filled with young and old men and women, sat across the benches, awaiting the Judge's final verdict. The court was relatively quiet, with just a few people scattered around seated on benches at the back.

I didn't know any of them.

I couldn't believe I was in the same spot years after. The agony of waiting for the Judge to bring his verdict. Shit, I should be used to it, I guess, but you can never be used to something like this. Your future is determined in the hands of another.

It was an awful and scary feeling that I tried to ignore.

The attorney nudged my arm.

"Don't worry Mr. Hawke, we're looking good." he said firmly.

He was a suit type of guy, with his charcoal grey two-piece buttoned up and his face frozen in a firm expression. He was tough and looked years of experience worth. His neat salt and pepper hair reflected it.

I nodded firmly.

I trusted him because I trusted Lillie. She got the best attorney she could provide for me, and he was a damn good one. The case presented in front of the jury earlier was strong, focusing on self-defense.

My chances looked good. One of Big Ben's men that stabbed me became a witness, and testified against Big Ben, pushing my case to stand a better chance. Looks like the bastard didn't want to get himself into trouble by admitting he had stabbed me, instead he was saving his own ass.

Damn. Nobody took Big Ben's part or portrayed him in a saintly light. Looked like he wasn't liked by many and developed a lot of enemies along the way. I didn't blame them and couldn't agree more. The man had a way of fucking everything up.

But I didn't want to jump the gun and breathe a sigh of relief just yet. I knew I would get some time. I just didn't know how much, that's the part that worried me the most. I was still on parole dealing with illegal fights for Big Ben. It would complicate things, and it would contribute to a second offence. Not to mention the possession of an unlicensed firearm.

Seven years behind bars was more than enough wasted years of my life. I dreaded to know how many more had to be added.

Fuck. I hated this feeling. The unknown. I was tired of it.

I turned around quickly and scanned the room. My gaze met hazel eyes.

Lillie.

She was sitting in the corner at the back, her eyes glued to me and Sassi next to her, typing something on her phone.

I smiled and her frown turned upside down as she smiled weakly in return. I was glad she could make it to my trial.

"Are you okay?" I mouthed.

She perked up and her pretty eyes were bright once more. She nodded.

"And you?" she mouthed in response and lightly pointed at me.

I smiled and gave a thumbs up. This seemed to relax her. It's been so long since I had seen Lillie. It was good to see her beautiful face. She looked well and safe. There was a slight difference to her. She looked bright and warm as she beamed in the emotionless courtroom. I so badly wanted to jump up, cross over these damn benches to get to her and fucking kiss and hold her tight.

I took a deep sigh. I had to be held back yet again.

"I miss you..." she mouthed, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye.

I smirked. "I miss you too, love." Sassi, seated next to her, oblivious to our silent conversation. My only regret today is that I couldn't hear her sweet and reassuring voice in front of me. Only heard now through short phone calls. But I felt the warmth and love between our distance, and it was enough for me.

In the end, this was all for her, to protect her, and I didn't think twice about it. I would do it in a heartbeat over and over again. Lillie was my life now and it warmed my heart, in this cold situation.

A year has passed, and so much has happened between Lillie and I. The best part of me, the best thing that ever happened to me was getting her unexpected letter.

I was in court eight years ago, about to face my judgement. I was bitter and had a hopeless future. But this time I have one. I felt at peace.

Everyone raised from their seats, jerking my thoughts away from Lillie. I turned around and stood up as the Judge entered from the back chambers. His black robe shifted as he took his high seat behind a big wooden bench. We all sat again at the instruction from the bailiff.

My heart was thumping hard in my chest, and my throat became dry. It became hard to swallow.

The Judge was an old man, with a tough wrinkled face. He read papers between his hands, not tearing his eyes from it. He then looked at me over the brim of his spectacles and talked in a stern voice.

For such an old man, he has a commanding presence. How many souls didn't he lock up before me?

He started with the details of the case, the prosecution side and my defense. The evidence that included the ballistic reports, time of death and witnesses, as well as Big Ben's characterization, were taken into account.

I was hanging on to each word the Judge was saying, praying he'll be merciful.

Finally, he agreed with the jury. It was self-defense on my part. They injured me first and therefore feared for my life. He was about to give his judgement. The attorney and I raised from our seats. My palms were sweaty as I held it tight behind my back.

"Mr. Dimitri Hawke, we find you not guilty for the murder of Benjamin Rogers on the grounds of Self Defense." The Judge spoke sternly.

I smiled internally and bowed my head, trying to conceal my relief. My attorney gave a firm pat on my back.

"However..." the Judge continued.

Fuck, the relief vanished as quickly as it came. And the nerves kicked in again. "You violated your parole and engaged and profited within illegal fighting business with Benjamin Rogers. This is an offence and cannot go unpunished."

I breathed out loud.

"Dimitri Hawke," the Judge resounded. I looked up, ready to accept my sentence. "You will be recalled and sentenced for three years at Wentworth State Prison. You will be eligible for parole in no less than 12 months." He boomed. "That's my final judgement."

He slammed the gavel with a heavy thud.

I breathed in deep.

Everyone got up and slowly stepped out of the courtroom. The policeman stood behind and handcuffed me at the back. The trial seemed to have rushed by. I could live with the sentence. I honestly expected worse. I was sentenced to my old prison, since I violated my parole. The only thing I would suffer is being so far away from Lillie again, and not seeing her.

I turned to Lillie, who took a few steps forward, Sassi standing behind her with a soft smile. I gave a reassuring nod to Lillie with a wink. Tears brimmed in her glistening eyes as she blew me a small kiss.