When I got home, I threw all my clothes in the washer and went straight to bed. I drew the cover above my head, drowning out all outside impressions until all that was left was the sound of my own breathing. Shallow, fast breaths. I felt like my body was trapped in a vice, the pressure on my chest was massive and I clenched my teeth to fight the anxiety attack that I knew was mounting. Why the hell had I done this? I had decided not to care about Ash, that what I felt was just pure envy of the guy and nothing else. How could I lose my head this completely?

I hadn't been sober. I didn't get drunk that often but those few times that I had, my sister had been quick to tell me that I was so much more fun then, that I finally let loose and didn't sit there all quiet and brooding. In my head that translated into me being reckless when drunk. And I had been just that now. So fucking reckless. That I had fallen so easily for Ash's invites was just pissing me off. He should have picked up that I wasn't really interested. Right?

Eager. He had called me eager. Damnit. The worst part was that it was true, I didn't just stand there not doing anything, I had practically thrown myself at him. And the reason for it was that I had been drunk and it had been years since I really touched anyone, felt anyone's touch. So, it wasn't all that weird that I had acted the way I did, it wasn't his fault. He couldn't be blamed for me being starved for closeness. It had been a mistake. Pure and simple. Stuff that happens when you're drunk and not in control of yourself.

Because I wouldn't do it again. Ash was a guy first and foremost, and on top of that a co-worker and even more on top; he was totally out of my league. It would just end in trouble at work if I continued. I had to put my foot down. And fast. Tomorrow morning. The anxiety lifted somewhat when I made that decision and I exhaled.

His hand over my mouth.

Quiet now... You know where we are...

No. No, no, no. Do not think about that.

I forced myself to remember the last time I had sex with a girl, tried to imagine every little detail in my mind. But the body of the girl instantly morphed into Ash. I could feel his finger under my chin when he lifted my head up towards him and my cock started to twitch.

FUCK.

I threw the blanket off and rolled out of bed, stumbling up to my computer and switched it on. With a click I opened the first game that popped up and sat down. The mindless killing of alien enemies soon drowned out all thoughts in my head and I was stuck.

I didn't get one minute of sleep that night. I had stayed up playing and that showed when I looked myself in the mirror the next morning. My head was throbbing due to my stupid hangover and dark shadows had formed under my eyes. I pressed down the baseball cap as far as I could over my eyes and took a breath. Today I would march straight up to Ash and end this thing with him. Whatever this thing was. I would demand that he stopped doing what he did. That I didn't want anything to do with him. He was free to react in any way he wanted to, get mad or whatever. I would not care. The only thing I was sure about was that I didn't need this kind of complication in my life. He disturbed my status quo, and I didn't like it. I wanted peace and quiet.

I had worked up my courage all the way to the cafeteria and felt unusually sure of myself when I entered. I noticed Ash at the far end of the room where he was watering some plants in the window. I walked straight up to him and didn't return his smile when I arrived.

"So, here it is," I said and looked him straight in the eye. "Yesterday was a mistake. I was drunk and made a fool out of myself, that's all. If I gave the wrong impression, I'm sorry about that, but I'm not interested. So, I want you to forget about yesterday. We'll bump into each other here in the cafeteria, maybe say hi but nothing else. Okay?"

His expression had changed from happy to absolute blank during the time I had talked and now I just waited for his reaction. He broke his gaze and looked out over the tables for a moment, like he was thinking about how to answer. Then he locked a steely glare at me again.

"Sure," he said in a clipped voice and returned to watering the plants.

I didn't stick around for him to elaborate, I just turned and stomped out to the elevators, heading for my cubicle. There. I had said it. No more uncertainties. I was unbelievably proud of myself, putting my foot down, being able to formulate myself without stuttering. Everything would go back to the way things were now.

The problem was that it didn't. As soon as I sat down in my chair at the office all my assertiveness blew away and a creeping restlessness took over, leaving me feeling annoyed. The computer didn't want to start right away, some stupid update took too long, and it just pissed me off. When I finally got around to start working it didn't take long before I saw Chris's face pop up over the wall over my cubicle.

"Partied hard yesterday?" he grinned. "You look like hell. I get why you wear that baseball cap now."

Something just snapped inside me.

"Chris, why don't you just fuck off, will you?" I hissed without thinking.

Chris's eyes widened and he just looked at me, without saying a word. I regretted it immediately. I had never been this rude to anyone. But I didn't have the energy to come up with any explanation. Slowly he nodded to himself.

"Ok, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," he said and walked away.

I cursed under my breath. This was supposed to be a normal day. A day that would go by like all my other days. But my hangover and the lack of sleep had made me more unbalanced than I had ever imagined, and I just had myself to blame. I turned to the screen again and tried to understand what I was doing ten seconds ago. But instead of letters and numbers there was Ash popping up in my head. The warmth of his body when he pressed me against the wall of the booth. His lips caressing my jawline. His arousing smile. I couldn't shut it out, my head was filled with memories of yesterday and I doubled over in my chair to keep myself from screaming out loud. Why the hell couldn't I stop thinking about him? Finally, I got up and went to my boss' room.

"Didn't you have that bug that we were supposed to ignore until the end of the project to look at?" I said, my voice insistent.

She nodded in surprise.

"Well, I'm done with my stuff, and I'd like to give it a try to solve it, is that ok?"

"Sure," my boss replied. "But it's ok you know. It can wait."

"I'm doing it now."

I hurdled back to my cubicle and dug up the faulty code from deep within the folder structure and rubbed my hands together. This was it. If Ash didn't disappear from my head now, I didn't know what else to do.

Break that fucking code or you won't get to go home.

When I was finally done, I was alone in the office again. It was a success; I'd been sitting here for hours with nothing in my head except problem solving. I smiled and typed an email to my boss, telling her the good news and had a long stretch in my chair. A clinking sound came out of nowhere. I stood up automatically and my eyes fixed on Ash, who was standing a few cubicles away. He looked back at me.

All that energy spent on erasing him from my mind was swept away and I sat back down in pure shock. The brief second we locked eyes had been enough for my body to go into some form av crisis mode. I couldn't fight it anymore, it was too late. I heard his steps coming closer and for each step my breathing became faster, my pulse quickened, and I could almost feel the moment my mind went over the barricade I had set up for it earlier. I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to stop it anymore.

When Ash arrived at my cubicle I rose from my chair and closed the distance between us in three long strides and pulled him into a desperate kiss. Every fiber in my body sang in rejoice when I felt his skin against me, and I couldn't understand why I had tried to avoid this before. But a brutal shove made me come to my senses again. Ash had pushed me back down in my chair and was staring down at me, anger glowing in his eyes. His jaws were clenched, and I didn't understand what I had done wrong.

"What the hell are you doing?" he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I–," I started but he cut me off.

"You gotta fucking make up your mind. Either you want to, or you don't. There's nothing in-between. So, what do you want?"

Panic set in. I didn't know. I had no idea what I wanted; the only thing I knew for sure was that I couldn't stop thinking about him. If that was good or bad, I didn't know. I shouldn't be thinking about him. Doing that opened a black abyss, an ocean of unknown vastness and I didn't want to dive into it. I didn't dare. I wanted to know what was ahead of me, I didn't want to fumble in the dark.

"Christ, Ash, I don't know what the hell I want!" I groaned and stared at the floor. "I'm not like this, I don't go looking for some fucking adventure. All I know is I can't stop thinking about you. I... I don't know. I think I'm going crazy or something. I don't know how to think or feel or anything, it's all so... fucking new to me..."

I inhaled deeply when I noticed how the world around me started to spin and I put my head down so I wouldn't faint. Ash crouched down in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Breathe, Jamie," he said softly. "Take it easy. I think I get it. You're not used to this, that's all. And that's ok. Maybe I pushed it a little too hard yesterday, sorry about that."

I looked up at him when my mind had stopped spinning.

"I didn't say... I didn't like it," I said and gave a tentative smile. "It's just that... it's all so new. Unknown."

He laughed and stood up again.

"How about we just talk?" he said and held out his hand to me. "Start over from scratch, you know, take it slow. We can head over to my place for a coffee and just talk? What do you think?"

I looked at his outstretched hand. Talk was just what we needed. I couldn't go around just thinking all the time, I needed to express myself. I didn't even know Ash and even if it made me feel anxious, I should take the time to get to know him. Whatever came after that was nothing I could worry about now.

"I promise I don't bite," he grinned and waved his hand in front of me. "Unless you want me to, that is."

"Cut it out," I grumbled, but grasped his hand and he pulled me out of the chair.