When I got home, I threw myself on the bed, not bothering to take off my clothes, and pressed the pillow over my face. This situation was exactly what I always wanted to avoid getting myself into. This right here, the feelings of uncertainty and discomfort. The feeling of not knowing what a person thought about me. This was the very reason that I had given up searching for a date or partner or anything that involved feelings. The bad things always outnumbered the good ones every time. I always ended up sitting there feeling useless.

But I couldn't blame Ash for this. He had made it perfectly clear that he liked having sex with me, not much else. He hadn't expressed any deeper thoughts than that and neither had I, so why the hell was I going on like this? I had never been jealous before, I had never exposed myself so much that I risked becoming jealous, so I didn't even know if this really was jealousy. The only thing I was sure about was that the feeling I got when I had seen that guy flirt with Ash, the way Ash had smiled at him, was by far the worst damn thing I had experienced in a long time. Rejection. Thrown aside for something better. Someone better.

I turned to my side and pressed the pillow to my stomach instead. The guy had been in the same league as Ash. Handsome, tall, and self-confident. And fifteen notches down there was me. A loner with social anxiety, low self-esteem and a huge tendency for over-thinking. I could never measure up to that guy no matter how hard I tried. There was nothing I could say if Ash wanted him.

The fantasies formed in my head, and I couldn't stop them. Maybe Ash had received that guy's number and called him, just because he was by himself for the night. And the guy would have said yes and gone to him, and they wouldn't even make it to the bedroom before they jumped each other and Ash would think it was so much better with someone more experienced and...

Fuck. Fuck, FUCK.

I had no right being jealous. No right whatsoever. We were nothing but fuck buddies. And not even that was agreed upon. It had just happened. I just needed to be clear to Ash that I didn't like him being with others, and that was why it would be better if we stopped seeing each other. That way I would at least not have to feel that my insides turned to ice. Why did I even feel that way? Did I have feelings for Ash, more than just pure physical ones? Apparently. And that wasn't a good thing. Not at all.

When I woke up, I was groggy and miserable. My clothes were wrinkly, and the sheet was down on the floor. My phone lay silent on the nightstand with no notifications present on the screen when I picked it up. Nothing from Ash. I put it down again, screen down and pulled off my jeans and t-shirt, at the same time realizing that this wasn't my t-shirt to begin with. I needed to return it as fast as possible. I put all the clothes in the washer and dressed in my worn gray sweats and went to make coffee. As I waited for the coffee the phone buzzed. It was a message from Ash and my stomach knotted.

"How're you feeling today? Got any sleep?"

My fingers hovered over the screen. I couldn't exactly write that I felt like death because I had spent the night imagining him with another guy. And I didn't want to sound clingy either. This had to be as neutral as possible.

"I'm fine. Slept well."

The second I pressed send I regretted it. Fuck, I sounded like a damn robot. But now it was too late, and it would just look desperate if I sent some stupid smiley now. I jumped as the phone started buzzing again. This wasn't a text; he was calling me. I squeezed my eyes shut and picked up.

"That answer was way too short," I heard Ash greet and I could hear the smile in his voice. "You really have to do better than that. So let's try again, how're you feeling today?"

He could see through me just by looking at my writing.

"I promise, I'm fine. I'm just exhausted after the party, you know," I lied.

"But you had a weird look about you yesterday, that's why I'm asking. If I didn't know any better, I would say that you were avoiding me for some reason. But that isn't the case, right?"

Where were those tunnels with no reception when you needed them? I wanted to end this conversation, no matter how good it felt hearing his voice. I simply couldn't handle hearing it now.

"Oh no, I'm just not used to that many people. Can I... call you later? I have a laundry appointment now."

Stupid white lie but my body was going into full blown crisis mode, the anxiety was constricting my breathing and I needed to get away from the whole situation. I paced around the apartment and doubled over in the hall to stop myself from screaming.

"Laundry? Oh, ok then." His voice was weirdly blank. "Later then."

"Bye."

The doorbell rang. I unfolded myself with a groan and opened the front door a tiny crack to see who it was. A hand gripped the door and pushed it open all the way and there was Ash. I stumbled backward in pure shock, as he resolutely entered the hall and closed the door behind him. Then he looked at me seriously as I stood there, hunched over by anxiety.

"Hey, you're not fine at all," he mumbled worried and grabbed me hard by my shoulders. "What's the matter, you're all pale?"

"Panic... attack," I whimpered, and my knees gave out from under me as I lost the final sliver of self-control I had left.

He caught me in his arms and sank down with me on the floor, where I put my head between my knees and tried to breathe. Why was he here? I didn't want him to see me like this. This fucking weak. But he didn't seem to care, he put his arm around me and caressed my hair and the touch was excruciating and wonderful at the same time.

"Just breathe through it, Jamie," he whispered softly. "I'm here and nothing's going to happen. Just breathe."

I kept my eyes closed and breathed. Concentrated on his slow stroking through my hair. His arms around my shoulders. Breathed. After a while the world stopped spinning and the tightness in my chest eased up a bit. Slowly I opened my eyes and lifted my head from my knees. This was not what I wanted Ash to witness and now he had. He had literarily been in outside my apartment when he called.

"Shit, sorry about that," I said embarrassed and stretched my legs out. "I didn't mean to–,"

"Mean to?" Ash interrupted, grabbed my chin softly and looked at me. "Stop being sorry about normal stuff. You had me worried yesterday, but I let it slide because I thought you just needed some space. But it's more than that, isn't it?"

I couldn't pretend nothing was wrong anymore, not after he had witnessed me go up in atoms. You simply didn't do that without a reason and I neither wanted nor had the energy to come up with some lie. I just didn't know how to say it.

"I know we haven't... talked about this," I said and wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. "And that's ok, we don't need to. But I saw something yesterday that made me realize... well, I think it's best if we don't continue... with what we're doing."

I couldn't evade his eyes because he had a grip on my chin. So, I just shut my eyes.

"Hold on a second," Ash said. "No, look at me, this is serious. Is it something I did? What did you realize?"

When I forced myself to meet his gaze again, I saw that his eyes were almost desperate. Didn't he understand?

"I just realized... that I don't like seeing you with other guys. But that's on me, you didn't do anything wrong, you can be with other guys if you like. I just didn't think I would react that way, but I can't help it. And that's why I think it's best if we stop seeing each other. I don't want you to feel bad."

The words had just been falling out of my mouth and it was only now that I saw how Ash's expression had changed. His brows were lifted, and his sapphire eyes were smiling. I didn't get it. Did he think this was funny?

"You saw me with Florian," he said as a confirmation.

So that's what the guy's name was. Stupid name. I nodded.

"And you thought Florian was hitting on me, right?"

"That was pretty obvious," I said, and my voice sounded more venomous than I had planned.

Ash laughed out loud.

"Florian is one of my oldest friends. He works as a janitor at the office, he was the one who got me the job. And he has a steady boyfriend for five years back. If you thought he was flirting with me it's just because that's how he works. He's a flirty guy with everyone, trust me on that."

I blinked. Florian was just a friend? And I had reacted like this to a friend of Ash's? Jesus Christ, this was worse than I thought. I was the stereotype motherfucker with delusions. And I had just confessed to Ash that I didn't like seeing him with other guys. I could just as well written control-freak on my forehead. I sighed and hid my face in my palm.

"Damnit, I'm so sorry," I said embarrassed. "Can I ask you to forget everything I just said, please?"

Ash pried my hand away from my face and grinned.

"Not a chance in hell. So, you don't like it when other guys flirt with me?"

"No..." I admitted, feeling childish. "And that's why it's best–,"

"That's why it's best for you to shut up a bit. Because I wouldn't like it if guys flirted with you either. But I would probably not be as delicate about it as you, I would probably ask them to fuck off instead. Or worse."