Halloween was the other day but I could not remember a thing about what happened. That whole night is a blur.

It's a new night as I lay in bed.

It's interesting how vulnerable one can be when night strikes.

Vulnerability is scary. The bravery it takes just to reveal your heart to your own self is one of the most daunting things.

As we lay in the darkness of our rooms, the only thing we can see is black. It almost feels like a void.

When we cant sleep our thoughts hyphen, taking over our restless minds. Like waves in the ocean, one thought after another crashed into my head and all I could do was endure the water and drown.

Windows all the way open, breeze filling my room, and no water in sight yet I was drowning.

All I can do is think. These thoughts don't make me sad like they usually would. These thoughts make me feel...numb. And somehow, as I lay here unable to cry, I realize that being numb is way worse.

It's like I want to feel but I'm afraid to fall deep. I want to be strong but I can't help but feel weak. I want to overcome my past but my father is a daily reminder. I want to trust Ryder but trusting means people know what can hurt you. Befriend Heather or challenge her? Should I be okay with my mother abandoning me all the time or hate her for it?

Tightly, I shut my eyes. It was physically painful to hear and question every thought. I can't control my emotions or thoughts. When I think, I think too deeply and it hurts.

It's unfortunate to overthink everything.

Turning on the lamp on my nightstand, I sat on the edge of my bed with head in my hands. My hands were shaking.

My thoughts were consuming me.

And I have to go through it alone. I'm so alone–

"Autumn?" a voice cut me out of my dangerous thoughts.

I gasped when someone's voice erupted from outside my room.

"Can I come in?" the person asked in an innocent voice.

"Um sure?"

The door creaked open to a tired Ryder Becker. His hair was disheveled and his droopy eyes gave away that he hasn't slept in days.

"First of all what the hell are you doing in my house!?" I yelled at him in confusion, scare, and annoyance.

"Well you left your door unlocked and I was just checking on you since you said on Halloween night that you are always scared so–''

"Pfft. I'm not scared. Why would I ever say that?"

Ryder looked down at my shaky hands then back at my eyes, "your hands are shaking."

"Whatever. You don't need to check on me at 2:00am, Ryder. By the looks of it you need rest so go home and back to bed."

He queitly laughed and leaned on my doorframe. "Oh Autumn, I hardly sleep."

"Why?"

He was silent for a couple seconds. "Don't worry about it."

Instead of persisting him, I analyzed his features. I never noticed how sad or tired he looked. Even though his eyes were droopy from lack of sleep, they stood out the most to me. The way they didn't match his smirk was suspicious and made me think about what things he kept so close to himself to the point that he had to cover it up with a smirk.

Ryder held out his hand, "can I take you somewhere? You seem stressed with your thoughts."

Michael abused me earlier tonight but luckily he was passed out on the couch so if I left with Ryder he wouldn't notice or hear.

I grabbed onto Ryder's hand, "ok."

***

Where Ryder wanted to take me is actually better than I expected. We sit on a blanket side-by-side on a huge field. No trees block our view so we are able to see the black sky perfectly.

"Sometimes I come here just to think." Ryder said out of the blue. "Call me crazy but the moon will listen if you spill your heart out to it."

"The only thing that listens now-a days right?"

He shrugged, "yeah."

We stayed in silence for what felt like ages but it was comfortable. As I looked beyond the field we sat on Ryder studied me, analyzing every feature of my tired face.

"Your thoughts destroy you, don't they?" He said out of no where. When I didn't answer, he said "I can tell just by looking at you."

My wandering eyes landed on his. "How is it possible for you to know that just by looking at me?"

He shrugged and looked straight ahead, "I pay attention." The light wind blew his hair away from his face, allowing me to gaze at his side profile. He has an amazing jawline, as sharp as a knife.

"You know, I write my thoughts in a journal. Call me nerdy or weird but I don't care. It helps me process and understand what I'm feeling or thinking." Ryder confessed to me.

I laughed. "Trust me you are definetly not weird for writing stuff in a journal. I think it's cool."

He whipped his head towards me and his eyebrows lifted in suprise. "Really?!"

I smiled at his suprised expression, "ofcourse! You don't look like the type of person to write in a journal."

"Yeah I dont, probably because of my popularity. Most kids just think we party, get drunk, smoke, and hook up."

His right hand raked through his smooth hair then his hair flopped back to its normal style. "I mean we do do that stuff, but I don't smoke or hook up because smoking is bad for you and all the popular girls are whores. The only time I drank was at a couple parties– nothing major."

Ryder looked at me and his eyes glistened with passion. "Nobody knows what us popular kids are really like. Actually sometimes I don't even know who most of my friends really are, besides the way they act at school or around other popular kids."

"Well why don't you tell them who you really are or why don't they tell you who they really are?" I asked him, very intrigued by his words.

He sighed heavily, "because no one cares. I don't care about who they really are because they aren't my true friends. We are only friends because we belong in the same group, the popular group. The only true friend I have that cares and understands is Brandon. You probably haven't seen him at school or whatever but yeah. We tell eachother everything, he's a real one."

"He's sounds like a good person." I replied.

I don't think Ryder heard me because his attention was focused on the stars that hung in the black sky. The glow of the stars twinkled in his eyes. "I really like writing and creating. One day, I want to become an author or photographer. Probably a photographer because I like to take pictures of anything that comes to eye. For Christmas, I want a camera but I'm not sure my mom will get me one which is okay. But one day when I have enough money of my own, I'm going to buy the best camera in existence and take breath-taking photos, the type of photos photographers' dream of."

As I watched him, I couldn't help but smile brightly. "I think it's incredible how happy and in depth you are while talking about the things you love."

Ryder looked down at the grass, smiling to himself. I don't even think he was aware of what he was talking about until I said something.

We sat in a very comfortable silence for some while, sailing in our own separate sea of thoughts.

As we sat on the field, I looked up at the view above us. How beautiful the way the glowing stars danced and shimmered across the night sky. Maybe even mother nature smiled at such an extraordinary view like tonights.

Taking my attention away from the stars, I looked over and saw that Ryder had been staring at me for some while.

A sky full of stars and he was still staring at me.

"Why are you staring like that?" I asked him.

"You scare me, Autumn." Ryder admitted.

"How come?"

He looked down at the grass beneath us then back at me and gulped. "Because I want to tell you secrets I'm too scared to admit to myself."

I looked at him with wide eyes. I can't believe he trust me like that. This boy, who most would think has no heart, is willing to reveal his hidden thoughts to me?

He wasn't telling the moon his private thoughts anymore, he was telling me.

Wow.

"Does anyone know your secrets or thoughts you just told me?" I asked him, curiosity lacing my voice.

It's not like I know his secrets but as I watched his every movement, I wished that someday he would tell me his most lovely yet lethal secrets.

Ryder sighed and looked down, his brown hair rested over his eyes. "No. That's the problem now a days. Nobody knows anyone. I mean look at Heather; we all thought she was some rich girl but in reality she lives alone and can barely afford her rent."

Fiddiling with my fingers that rested in my lap, I pictured Heather's run-down house. Maybe I shouldn't of judged a book by its cover.

"The time Heather took me into the bathroom to talk to me, she threatened me by saying you don't care about me and I should not mess with her blah blah blah."

"Why would she threaten you by mentioning me?"

"Uhhh," I blushed, "to try to get under m-my skin I guess."

Confusion glowed in the gold specks of his brown eyes. "Why me?"

"She was testing me to see what my weaknesses were." I gulped nervously. God why did I say just that!?!

"Well why would I be your weakness?"

God. The blushing in my cheeks started to burn. It's true, he is my weakness, but he doesn't need to know that. Ryder is the reason the walls I built are falling down.

Ever since Luke, I promised I wouldn't feel for anyone again because of the fear of getting hurt or abused. The promise has lasted until Ryder. When I look into his chocolate brown eyes it makes me want to love again, it made me crave things I shouldn't crave. The feeling of being consumed in awe just by looking into his eyes is a drug. Gazing into his eyes is so addicting, so...explicitly beautiful.

"Well I um...I," my tongue was twisted in knotts. "I d-don't know."

Pulling my knees tightly to my chest, I watched him as he watched me. My breathing faltered when his gaze dropped to my blushing cheeks.

He grinned. "Ohhh...I get it."

"Huh?"

Ryder's eyes glinted in amusement. "You like me, don't you?"

Oh my god oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD!

Is there anything brighter red than a tomato because that's what my face looks like.

My eyes widened tremendously. "R-Ryder please be serious for a min–''

"You think I'm not being serious?"

Slapping my forehead with the palm of my hand, I sighed. "Ryder I-I dont like you."

He leaned closer to me and smirked, "oh really? Then why is it that you have been looking at me this whole time but when I mention the idea of you liking me, you turn away?"

"Pfft. That doesn't prove anything," I scoffed, rolling my eyes but still kept my attention on the grassy field beyond us.

In a matter of seconds, he crawled in front of me. I tried leaning back and fourth to look around him. "Move Ryder you are blocking the view."

He crawled foward, our faces about one foot apart. "Trust me princess, I am the view."

"W-What do you want?"

"Tell me the truth." he demanded.

This was the first time I couldn't look someone in the eyes. I've always been able to look someone in the eyes even if I was lying. But right now, even flickering my gaze to his for a quick second was enough to make my heart beat faster than the speed of light.

Letting go of my knees, I placed my hands on the grass behind me and let my legs straighten. Ryder took this as a chance to scoot closer; his legs were on either side of my pencil-stick legs. Now our faces were a few inches apart.

I didn't know what breathing was when I felt his hot, minty breath fan my face. In fact I don't think I even knew what blinking was either.

"I'm sorry...w-what was the question again?" My voice came out as a shaky breath.

He got off of me but sat a little closer than before. "That was enough of an answer actually." Maybe he played it off by acting like he did not care, but his tiny smirk said something else. I don't know what though–

Oh god...he knows that I like him.

He knows.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

And now my cheeks are burning red once again.