YASSSSS PLAY THE SONG DURING THE FLASHBACK CUS I SAID SO.

It's sad because it just hurts.

Ariya

"You got the popcorn?" I asked Rylan.

"Yup." He responded. I walked with him to the couch and we both sat down. He pressed himself into my side and I grabbed the remote.

"So, what's the movie for tonight?" I asked.

"Uh! Uh, um... I don't know." He shrugged. I smiled and browsed our options.

"Spider-Man!" He yelled.

"Which one?" I asked.

"That one, the one with the buildings in the background." I laughed while clicking the movie. Turning up the volume while tossing the remote on the coffee table.

I pulled the cover over us and he hugged my waist, popping the popcorn in his mouth.

"Who's that?" He pointed.

"That's peter's dad." I trailed off.

"Where is he going?"

"Away." I sighed.

"Why is he leaving?" He asked. I leaned my head upon his and let him cuddle.

"He has important business to take care of."

"Did my dad have important business to take care of?"

My eyes widened and I twisted my head to face him, running a hand over his hair.

I knew this question would come up at some point, but I wasn't prepared really to answer him. To give him a logical explanation.

"What do you mean?" I asked softly.

"Did my dad have important business.. is that why he's not here?" Rylan asked innocently.

If only he knew.

This is when the guilt flew over me.

It's my fault he's not here.

I couldn't exactly tell him that his dad doesn't know about him and is also my boss.

"You know it's okay to not have a dad." I told him.

"All my friends have dads, it's not fair." He pouted.

"I didn't have a mom or a dad.. well I did they just weren't present." I told him, cupping his small cheek in my hand while rubbing my thumb over his smooth cheek.

"Who looked after you?"

"Your uncles.. well I really looked after them but that's not the point. Lots of people don't have mothers or fathers, you're not any different or any less capable." I nodded with my eyebrows furrowed sadly.

"Yesterday I saw my friend and his dad was playing softball with him, and-I don't know."

"Why haven't you told me you feel this way?" I asked.

"I don't want you to worry." He shrugged.

"That's my job.. baby. I'm supposed to worry about you, I'm supposed to care for you. I'm your mother."

"But no one worries about you, you said you didn't have a mom or a dad?"

"You want the stuff or not?" The man asked. I turned my head and looked away.

I needed it.

"Yeah."

"Do it then." He dropped his pants and grabbed my head, shoving it down onto his manhood.

-

"Here's your eggs, flour, and toilet paper."

"Thanks."

I clutched the items in my arms and walked the dark streets.

This is what it's come to.

My eyes focused on the road ahead of me, trying desperately to hold the tears.

I hate myself.

How would anyone do that. Do that to their body for.. toilet paper and food.

I was desperate.

But they were starving.. they were starving and I couldn't watch them in pain anymore. The way they saw all their friends going to movies and buying clothes.

I couldn't give that to them, and I wasn't even their mother.

I was disgusted with myself, ashamed. I felt.. dirty. Dirty with myself.

I clutched onto the items tighter, I couldn't forget about that.

I needed someone, someone to care for me.

I unlocked the front door.

"Did you get it?" Zion asked. I nodded with a smile.

"Thanks, Ariya."

"I'm gonna go up to my room, Goodnight." I smiled.

"Goodnight, love you."

"I love you too."

I rushed up into my room and locked the door.

I stared back at my reflection, I didn't know who I was looking at. Who is that?

She's disgusting.

I turned the tap on and cupped the water in my mouth. Time after time, toothpaste and water and brushing and brushing.

I could still taste him.. in my mouth. It was disgusting. Like he was still there.

My back slid down the door.

My sobs filled the bathroom and I couldn't seem to come to the realization. I was that low.

So fucking low.

What have you become.

What have you become, Ariya.

Until my phone rang.

Incoming call from: Khy :)

I quickly wiped my tears and picked up.

"Hel-hello?" My voice cracked.

"Ariya, I have to work late tonight. Do you think we can postpone our movie night to tomorrow night."

I bit my lip as the tears spilled. The saltiness coating my lips.

"Sure." I whispered.

"Great, I'll see you tomorrow! Goodnight! I love you."

"I love you too."

The line went dead.

Completely dead.

I sighed and picked up the razor.

"I don't need anyone worrying about me, I'm fine." I told Rylan. He leaned up and kissed my cheek.

"Are you sure? I'll worry about you."

"It's okay big guy.. now let's watch the movie." I pulled him closer to me and dropped my head down to look at him.

A smiled creeping onto my face.

"I love you."

"I love you too, mama."

Love

THIS WAS SHORT I APOLOGIZE