Okay, heads up.

I sobbed while writing this chap because it hit a bit too close to home.

So if you feel like you can relate, please talk to someone you trust. And if there's no one you trust, talk to me. I'll always be there for you.

Because every life is worth living.

/////////////////

I never came back to London after Diana and I moved to New York City six years ago. For some reason I associated London with all the bad things that had happened. All this time that I spent there, my family was grieving me. How could any of my memories here be good?

Aside from my best friends, Tracy and Morgan, I couldn't remember a happy memory. There were, I knew there were, but all of those memories were with Diana. She wasn't a horrible mother, except for her weird beauty standards and diets. In her own sick way, she had loved me and enjoyed spending fifteen years with me.

I felt guilty to admit the same.

I loved Diana, she was my mother. We'd watched romcoms together every Sunday night or go have our nails done. She was always there for me when I got hurt or when I got in trouble with friends.

I had happy memories with her that I've been trying to shove down into a far corner of my brain. But every now and then, they reappeared and I felt so much guilt.

She had only raised me to marry me off. What did those moments even mean to her? Did she pity me? Did she feel like she had to give me a happy childhood because the rest of my life would suck?

Being back in London worsened my mental state. I could feel myself slipping into a very dark hole that I may never get back out off.

I was trying to hang onto something, but there was nothing.

Because I've just made the worst realisation of my life.

"What's the difference between a life with Ronan and a life as a Cassano? I'm not free in either scenarios." I muttered.

We were sitting on a bench in Hyde Park. It was early in the afternoon but it was busy. No one could stay away from one of the few green spots in the city. Hyde Park was always popular.

Nicolas looked at me and Nestor stopped taking pictures. He seemed to love the scenery and probably wanted to paint it.

"I'm sorry, Elena." Nicolas apologised.

Out of all my brothers, he's been the one I could lean on. I know how often he called Hector to make him change his mind. He was trying so hard to help me and I felt ashamed that he even had to.

"I can't even imagine what it would be like if someone kept me away from Nico." Nestor sighed.

Tears filled my eyes and they numbly fell down my cheeks. I don't know why I'm crying because I couldn't even feel anything anymore. I felt hollow inside.

"It's not even only about Alexander. I just can't live like this anymore. I came here to try and remember what it was like to have some freedom, but then I remembered that I never had it."

Nicolas tightened his arm around me while Nestor looked for a napkin in his large tote bag.

"From the day I was born, people have been deciding over my life as if it was theirs."

First it was Dimitri Petrov who decided to use me as a breeding machine for his son. Now it was my own brother who wanted me to live the way he wanted me to live.

"Why am I even living a life that isn't even my own? Why should I continue?"

It was one of the most darkest thoughts that I've ever had. I don't know how it crept up on me and infiltrated my mind but it was the only thing I could think about ever since we landed.

I tried to talk myself out of it but the thought never died down.

"Every life is worth the living. You're worthy of life, am I clear?" Nicolas told me sternly.

The emotions in his eyes were raw. I haven't seen him this open since we were teenagers. I scared him with my words but I wanted someone to know that I was feeling this way. Perhaps it was selfish of me to burden him with this but I needed him to know.

What if one day I got the courage to act upon that dark thought?

"I love you so much, Elena. Meeting you was the best thing that's ever happened to me. You don't deserve this." Nicolas squeezed my shoulder tightly.

He pressed me close to him as I cried against his chest. A slight weight fell off my shoulder. I wanted to talk to someone about what I was feeling and I trusted Nicolas a lot. I was scared that I'd feel naked or anxious after confessing, but that wasn't the case.

"Yeah, I love you too!" Nestor joined the hug.

I giggled slightly and held onto my brother even tighter. I was grateful for his support and love. It's been very hard but at least I could lean on him.

"I'm going to fix this, Elena. This ends now." Nicolas promised me.

///////////////

Goosebumps travelled down my body as I stared up at the house I once called home. It was empty for some reason. This was one of the finest neighbourhoods in London and it was a beautiful home. I was surprised to see that no one had bought it.

"Hector bought it." Nicolas told me softly.

I frowned up at him. Why would he buy this house?

"You grew up here. He thought that you would like to still visit it from time to time." Nicolas added.

He even held up the keys. I was stunned. I didn't think that I'd be able to enter the home because I believed that it was already sold. Hector never told me that he did this but he always kept many secrets. I wasn't surprised to hear that he had another one.

"I really like the vibe." Nestor commented as we entered my old home.

It was eery to step inside. It was empty and cold. But after I closed my eyes for a while and opened them again, I saw everything. I saw the wide windows that gave view over our garden where I would play with my friends. I envisioned our kitchen table where I blew out cakes for fifteen years. I saw our living room where I used to jumps on the couch. I'd cuddle there with Diana and relax in front of the television.

I saw our bathroom where Diana fell asleep next to me on the bathroom floor when I had a nasty stomach bug and kept throwing up. I saw a lot. I saw a life lived and all the happy memories that I've been trying to forget.

Coming here wasn't a good idea.

"Hey, let it all out." Nicolas squeezed my shoulder.

I hadn't even noticed that I was crying. My chest was burning and I couldn't breathe. I could hear voices from my old memories so loudly that I had to cover my ears. I felt someone raise me in their arms and carry me away. I was stuck in old memories as they tore me apart.

"It's okay. We're outside now." Nicolas whispered to me.

The cold breeze partially shook me out whatever the fuck that was. I held onto my brother and tried to calm down my breathing.

"Please get me out of here." I cried to him.

London was no longer a home to me and I'd never come here again. Especially not that house because it reminded me of the fact that I did have good memories with Diana.

I didn't want to be reminded.

/////////////////

The elevator finally got to our floor. Nicolas had rented out two hotel rooms while we stayed in London for a few days. We'd fly back to New York City tomorrow. Apparently I was back welcome home. Not that I would actually visit my brothers, I'd just stay in my apartment.

Away from them.

"We have an early flight tomorrow." Nicolas reminded me softly.

I nodded and walked towards my room. He shared a room with Nestor which is why I was happy that we had separate rooms. They were clearly very much in love and I was happy for them, but I didn't need to see it the entire time.

"I hope you enjoy it." Nestor giggled suddenly while I opened my door.

Nicolas rolled his eyes but grinned at me before he pulled Nestor along.

What were they talking about?

I sighed and walked into my room. My feet hurt from walking so much and I felt emotionally drained. I needed a bath and a bottle of champagne with perhaps some cake pops.

Wait.

Cake pops.

I dropped my purse on the ground as I stared at a bouquet made out of cake pops.

A cake pop bouquet.

That exists?!

Someone was holding it.

I could recognise those strong and large hands out of a million. I could already smell his heavenly cologne. My eyes travelled up those muscular arms hidden away behind a dress shirt up to the most beautiful green eyes that I knew.

"Alex?" I whispered.

He smiled softly and I had to pinch myself.

He was here?

"How are you here?" I asked carefully.

We can't be in the same room. What if Hector finds out? What if this was a test? What if-

"Nicolas called me."

Nicolas was officially my favourite brother. He did this for me. How will I ever be able to thank him?

"You're safe?"

"No one knows that we're here together, bellissima. It's safe." He assured me.

I was still shaking from fear. My brothers made me paranoid. They always find out no matter how hard I try to hide it. I can't risk Alexander's life. Not when I sacrificed everything to save it.

"I've been talking to Theo and Silas." Alexander took a step closer.

My hands fisted my dress tightly as I watched him carefully.

"Two weeks without you was insanity. I can't live without you." He took another step towards me.

I can't live without him either but I'd rather have him be alive.

"I probably bother then with my daily visits but I have to make sure that they know." He was getting even closer.

I could nearly feel his warmth.

"How fucking much I love you and what I'd do for you. That no matter how much they try to pull us apart, I'll always try to find my way back to you." He was only a few feet away now.

If I took two steps forward, I would be able to touch him. My fingers were tingling and I craved to hold him again. He was so close.

"What did they say?" I whispered fearfully.

I don't think that it went well. He went up to Theo and Silas to try to convince them to let him date me. Theo may be civil about it but Silas was fucking crazy.

"They're talking to Hector. If they won't be able to convince him, then I'll go talk to him personally."

Our feet were touching and he handed me the bouquet. I bit back tears as I stared at it. He really knows how to capture my heart. This was one of the most romantic things someone has ever done for me.

"He'll kill you."

He took the bouquet from me again and placed it down on the desk beside us. His hands went up to my face and I gasped slightly when he touched me. I shivered with delight and leaned against him.

"Then he'll have the fight of his life because I won't be killed that easily. Not when I know it involves you."

Our lips met and I wanted to cry from pure relief. I had him back in my arms. I could kiss him again. My arms went around his broad shoulders and he picked me up by my waist. Our kiss deepened and I felt his tongue reach into my mouth.

The kiss was messy and hurried but exactly what I need right then and there.

Two weeks without kissing and holding him were so hard. I got a bit addicted to him and I never wanted to be away from him ever again.

He was the love of my life.

"Do you know how much I fucking missed you, amore?" He breathed out in between our kisses.

We fell down on the couch and I cracked his lap. My hands travelled up into his silky hair and I pressed kisses against his jawline.

"You're coming home with me tomorrow." His hands grabbed onto my ass.

I stopped my kisses and gaped at him in shock. We weren't even supposed to be anywhere near each other.

"But-"

"I don't care anymore, Elena. If I had to give up my position as Capo, then I will. If I have to fight your brother with my bare hands, I will. But I'm taking my girl home with me. I won't let anyone come between us anymore." His voice was firm and final.

He won't accept any arguments. He had made up his mind but I was still worried.

"What if you get hurt? What if-"

He cupped my face again and brought it closer.

"Let me fight for you, Elena. Let me prove myself."

My hands went down to his shoulders as I gazed at him.

"You've already proven yourself to me by being here. You don't need to prove anything to anybody." I assured him.

His thumb softly caressed my cheek and he pressed a sweet kiss on my nose.

"Hector was right about my past. I slept around and didn't bother to get to know the women I slept with. It was just sex and occasional dates if I felt like having company. I was horrible to them. I don't even know how I'll ever be able to say that I deserve you."

He did treat them badly and I was glad that he realised that. I didn't think much of his past because he was here in the present with me now, but I didn't excuse it. I saw it with my own eyes and it was part of my insecurity in our relationship.

"Nothing will ever excuse that but I want you to understand me. I want to be honest with you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He whispered.

My heart dropped. What did he mean by that?

"You've opened up about your past trauma while I've been too much of a coward to do the same." He started.

Whatever it was, I wanted him to be able to talk about it without feeling like I'd judge him. Trauma was already so hard to talk about and I didn't want to make it any more difficult.

"You can trust me." I assured him softly.

He nodded and took a few deep breaths. His hands on my face started to shake so I held them tightly.

"When my parents were alive, things weren't good in my family. My father was always out to work or sleep around with his mistresses. My mother resented him for it but she took it out on my little brother and I."

His grip on my hands tightened and I sat still on his lap.

"When we were little, she'd hit us. I would always take the punches for my little brother. He was really sensitive and small. I hated it when she got her hands on him, so I tried to protect him."

Tears filled his eyes as he remembered what had happened. I could fell tears appear in my own eyes. I was the type of person who started to cry when someone else was crying.

"When I turned eleven, she started to do something else. She'd come into my room at night and..."

I threw my arms around him as he broke down. Seeing him cry broke my heart and now I understood why he said it hurt him when I cried. Because I felt the exact same way.

"She'd sneak into my bed and touch me..." he didn't get out more but I understood what he meant.

If that bitch was still alive, then I'd fucking tear her to pieces. What kind of mother does that to her own child?

"She never did it to my little brother and she never got the chance to because she died in a car crash with my father a few weeks after she first did it to me."

He'd already told me that his parents died in a car crash. He was only eleven then and had already been through so much.

"We moved in with my uncle. Then one day Maxim Petrov and a few of his father's men attacked my uncle's home. They took me and my little brother."

Maxim Petrov was Ronan's younger brother.

"Maxim took us to one of the cells. He chained me to the wall and made me watch as he..."

Alexander turned so pale that I feared he was going to faint. I got off his lap and quickly took a bottle of water.

"You don't have to tell me. It's alright." I assured him as he drank a few sips.

He shook his head and grabbed my hands.

"No, I need you to know." He insisted.

I nodded slowly and waited for him to continue. I didn't want to push him but I could tell that he wanted to get this off his chest.

"He was fourteen, my brother was eight. He held him down against the floor and raped him."

He witnessed that. Fuck. I didn't even know how to comfort him. I just held onto him to let him know that I was here for him.

"Then he stabbed him so many times that I vomited. He was going to kill me next but then your father came. He came to save me."

My papa?

"Your father is one of the best men I know. He thought me how to fight and helped me through a very dark period in my life. I'm forever grateful for him."

I crawled back onto his lap and hugged him tightly.

"You mean the world to me and it breaks my heart that you had to go through that. Thank you for trusting me to tell me this. I know how hard that must've been for you."

His arms tightened around my waist and he rested his head on my small shoulder.

"I needed you to know. I want to be an open book to you. I want nothing holding us back."

Nothing will ever hold us back. Because tomorrow I would step onto that plane with him.

Fuck the promise I made to Hector and fuck him.

He can ruin his own life but he won't ruin mine.

"What was his name?" I asked.

Alexander's grip tightened but he whispered on my ear.

"Dario."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey!

I'm sorry that I didn't post yesterday. I was having a bit of difficulties with writing. I just didn't have enough inspiration.

I'm sorry for letting you wait so here you have a double update!!

A lot have asked for my updating schedule. I try to post ONCE a day, but sometimes I post TWICE. It all depends on the occasion.

Thank you for reading my story! I love all the comments you leave behind.

Bye babes 💞