In the morning, around 10am, there was knocking on my door. Expecting to find Ellen, I was surprised when Tom showed up. There was regret on his face and I could tell he wanted to talk about last night. I let him in.

"I'm sorry I was hard on you, but you shouldn't have stormed out like that." He began after wishing me good morning and saying that we need to talk.

"It hurt me how you threatened to fire me just to win the argument." I put it all on him, trying to take attention off my mistake. I'm so toxic...

"I'm sorry. You are not fired or anything, in fact I came to tell you this." He aplogised so I decided to do it too.

"I'm sorry too. Want some breakfast?" I offered.

"No, I need to leave because there is a new girl who'll be dancing at the club. Gave her the job yesterday and need to explain some stuff to her now." I replied something short because we often had new girls working at the club. They also leave quickly so I stopped bothering getting to know them. I'd just be polite and help them if they need anything.

Just as Tom left, a couple of minutes later Adrian came over. My apartment is like a hotel... He told me to get dressed quickly so we could go for a ride. I put on the first thing that I found and brushed my hair a little, applying some mascara and lip gloss. He waited in the living room and then we left. Instead of his blue vespa, he came in his white Range Rover. It's the first time I've seen him drive it.

"I'd take you somewhere nice but I have to go to work." He began driving, turning the radio on but keeping the volume low.

"It's fine. You want to tell me something?" I assumed he'd want to discuss last night's little incident.

"Yes, I'll be very direct and propose what I want, then it's up to you." He kept his serious demeanour and made me somewhat nervous. As usual.

"Okay, go on." I said wanting to hear what he had to say.

"Look Lana, I am a very territorial man and I like you. I want to explore this thing between us but..." He paused while all I could hear was him saying that he likes me.

"But?" I asked expecting him to continue.

"But I'd need you to quit your job. I don't mind men watching you dance but I can't stand it if you give them private dances. Of course, I'll give you the equivalent of your salary and maybe even more. I'll help you support yourself but you can't see other men apart from me." I took a few seconds to let it all sink in.

"Like a sugar daddy?" Confused, I asked the question and looked at him while he had his eyes focused on the road.

"Well not exactly like that since I'm only giving you the money because I want you to quit your job. You can keep the one at the library." His interest in me flatters me, but I don't like how he's trying to control certain aspects of my life.

"Is that all?" I asked just to check if he had any more requests. I don't think I'll quit my job, but maybe I could work something out with Tom. I mean it's understandable that someone isn't comfortable with their partner being a pole dancer, but we are not together and it's a little early to ask something like that of me.

"No feelings involved, just pure submission from your side and devotion from mine. Apart from that there are a few minor rules which we'll discuss later if you accept." Just as he said it my heart cracked. Not in a sense of a broken heart but more like disappointment. I smiled ironically, gasping.

"For once someone takes a good look at me, and I think they might actually like me, but no...even you want my body without wanting me. You're a very attractive man Adrian, probably the most attractive to show interest in me, but I have to refuse." He has already stopped the car and kept on staring straight, gripping the wheel. He tried not to show any emotion but there was a dash of displeasure on his face.

"You'll regret it. Think again." He said somewhat angry.

"Oh I definitely will, but I can't. I've never had anyone to love - not a friend, not a family member, not a man. So I have too much love to give to be able to suppress it." I still had that ironic smile of disappointment.

"I'll drive you home." Was all he said.

"I'll walk. Goodbye Adrian, it was pleasure knowing you." With pride and dignity I exited the car and walked home.

Despite being proud of myself that I didn't let him have his way with me, I felt enormous amount of sadness. I knew all along that it was too good to be true. He was finally something interesting in my life and I'd lie if I said I didn't hope. I hoped something would come out of it all. Instead I am back where I was, just now it doesn't feel enough like it used to.

I made it a point that I won't cry about it. I need to learn not to get attached to someone before actually getting to know them. In order to distract myself I went shopping for some new dancing outfits. Even went on and got cotton candy because it always cheers me up.

___

Ellen gave me a ride to the club. Putting on a happy mask, I made myself seem approachable and smiled at all men a little more than usual. Yes some of them are really unattractive but I don't care, flirting comforts me. The new girl, Scarlett, dressed in the same style as me. She also seems to like that little girl, Lolita aesthetic.

I danced passionately, giving myself fully to the rhythm. My body moved perfectly, delicately and it made dancing seem easy. More men appeared to be drawn to me than usual. Little by little, the chairs in front of my stage and tables close to it got filled. Two men raised their hands when I looked at them to show me they wanted to speak to me once I'm done. So when I finished I approached them. One asked me if I danced on private parties because he needed a dancer for his friend's bachelor party, but I said no. The other was that same man that Adrian, Tom and I argued about.

"Can I have a dance in private or will you run away again?" He mocked, spit all over his mouth. Gross. I did my best to ignore it. I gave him a forced smile which I made obvious was forced.

"Sure." I motioned for him to follow me, accepting to give him a dance out of spite for Adrian who isn't even here.

To fast forward (don't wanna remember the details), as uncomfortable as the dance felt it didn't last long. And the man didn't touch me anywhere. When I exited the small room Tom gave me a nod from the bar area in appreciation. Then I looked around the club to find Adrian watching Scarlett. I flipped.

Walking over to the bar, I asked Tom to pour me some whiskey. I need something strong. Since the barman wasn't showing up for work Tom began taking care of it. He gave me a worried look but pushed me over the glass nonetheless. I savoured each sip feeling the burning sensation in my throat. When whiskey got to my head I gathered some courage to turn around and look at Scarlett and Adrian. She wasn't on the stage anymore and he wasn't sitting in front of it. Instead they were heading for the private room. Is this supposed to provoke me?