chapter thirteen – sober confessions and heartbeats

"Marc?" I blushed as I called out his name to get his attention.

Marc looked away from the group of kids he was with and his face broke out into a huge grin.

"Hey Thick Thea" Marc walked over to me, Kevin following hot on his trail.

"Uhm" I mumbled. "I wanna ask you a question"

I could hear my heart pounding in my chest and I could feel tingling in my fingertips.

"Oh?" Marc smiled at me.

"Do you wanna go to the spring formal together?" I rushed out, hiding behind my wild hair.

"Are you kidding me?" Kevin spoke for the first time and I flinched at the anger in his voice.

My eyes snapped to Kevin's and he was glaring at me. I felt like crying. I didn't want my best friend angry at me.

I looked back at Marc, who looked upset as well.

Marc wrapped his hand around my arm and pulled me off to the side by the bleachers. Away from his friends and Kevin.

"Listen, Tee... I don't like you like that" Marc stumbled over his words. "I'm sorry if I made you think I was but-"

I didn't hear what else he had to say because I was already running away from him and out of the football field.

I could feel my heart pounding against my ribcage. Or was that Marc's? We're so close that it's hard to tell.

There was no music but here we were. Dancing alone in my bedroom. Honestly I still remember how to dance but I didn't want to tell him that.

I didn't want this feeling to end.

I breathed in and all I could smell was pine and cigarettes. A smell that should disgust me but instead it made me feel warm. Happy.

"What are you doing tomorrow? For your mom?" Marc spoke for the first time, his voice cracked from how long he had stayed silent.

"Just going to my Dad's service and then probably getting something to eat with him and Wyatt. Ill probably go to visit the gravesite" I look up at him and he nods.

"By yourself?" He questions.

"Yeah. Dad visits by himself and Wyatt doesn't like to visit" I explain.

"Do you like visiting by yourself?" Marc asks.

"No but I don't want to intrude on my Dad" I shrug. Suddenly feeling a little upset.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Marc smiles at me.

And then my heart was beating fast again and my cheeks felt really hot.

"If you don't mind" I nod.

"Of course I don't mind. I loved your Mom" Marc smiles at me and all of the times Marc would spend with my Mom and I flashed in my head.

The times where we would run into each other at the supermarket and he would walk around with us until it was time to go home. Or the times he would accompany us to breakfast after Dad's services.

Then it clicked in my head. If I didn't like Marc, then why was I feeling this way?

If I hated him then why was I with him right now? If I hated him why did my heart beat so fast? If I hated him.... Why did I feel like I loved him?

Maybe it's because I actually have feelings for this asshole. Maybe it's because he never really was an asshole. The more time I spend with him, the more I remember about him being sweet. The bad memories seem so childish right now compared to all the good ones I never really thought about.

Maybe having feelings for him was a good thing. Maybe this wasn't all a game to him.

"Are you oka- what are you doing?" Marc pulled away from me and suddenly my heart sank and I felt really stupid.

"You're" Smack "Such" Smack "A stupid" Smack "Asshole."

"Tee-Tee chill" Marc grabbed my hands, laughing. "Why are you so angry?"

My anger melted into my embarrassment and a lump formed in my throat.

"I-I" The tears welled up in my eyes and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Marc's smile dropped and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Marc grabbed my hand and my beating heart contrasted with the pure mortification I was feeling.

"This is all a game to you, isn't it" I swallowed the lump in my throat and let the tears fall. "You and Kevin both think this is just some game and don't realize that I'm an actual person with feelings"

Marc's eyes flashed with annoyance and I glared at him.

"Have I ever actually hurt you, Tee?" Marc frowned at me. "Like actually hurt you, where you couldn't get over it"

"Yes" I pulled my hands away and crossed my arms.

"When?" Marc scoffed.

"In 8th grade" I glared at him.

"The spring formal? Seriously? We were kids" Marc snorted and I glared at him. Of course I knew it wasn't a big deal but I was angry at him. "Kevin would have hated us, Tee. I couldn't let you lose your best friend over me"

I shrugged but honestly that made my heart beat faster.

"You think I didn't want you?" Marc growled. "You think I don't want you now? This isn't a goddamn game Thea. I love you and Kevin wants to fuck me over. Maybe he actually liked you when we were kids and maybe he does now but he doesn't feel the things I feel when I look at you"

I gulped as I stared at the way he was looking at me. I've never seen him look so raw. So open.

"It killed me to stay away from you and the fight that got me sent away? It was because some senior on the football team bet $50 that Kevin couldn't bed you and Kevin took it" Marc looked visibly angry. "I told him if he didn't back off I would break his face. He laughed at me and I did exactly what I said I would"

"Marc-"

"And then he let me get sent off somewhere because he was a dick?" Marc scoffed, looking away. "I thought I wouldn't see you for so long. I mean, 3 years was long enough but I thought I wouldn't see you till after college or ever.."

"Ever?" I questioned.

"Either you would go off to college and never come back or I would be dead before then" Marc glared at the ground.

"Marc, what the hell?" I growled out. I hated when he spoke like that. It scared me.

"C'mon Tee. Don't act like that's surprising" Marc laughed bitterly. "I'm a fuck up. I don't deserve to be alive. And the only thing that's keeping me from ending it is selfish"

I stared at him, feeling my heart break for a totally different reason.

"It's like I'm in the dark" Marc spoke, his blue eyes meeting my brown ones. "All the time. It's cold and there's nothing to look forward to. And then. Then I see you. I hear your voice or your laugh and it's like everything turns to color and I feel warm. I'd kill to feel that all of the time"

His words were sweet but his voice was broken and embarrassed.

"It's stupid that the only time I'm happy is with a girl. But I wouldn't give up the feeling you give me for anything else. And god I love the way you feel against me. Our kiss at the football game. It was the best feeling in the world" Marc closed his eyes, like he didn't want me to see him. "A-and it was my first actual kiss. So y-yeah"

"Mikayla was your first kiss. In middle school, remember?" I laughed, but it wasn't a real laugh.

Marc's nose crinkled at the memory.

"That doesn't count. It was a game. I never wanted anyone else so I just never tried anything" Marc shrugged. "I thought I'd die a virgin"

I snorted at Marc's crude joke. "Shut up"

"S-So" Marc rubbed the back of his neck. "What does that all mean to you?"

"Well I knew about your feelings for a while. Since you tried to tell me freshmen year and then when you told me at the party" I explain and I watch Marc's eyes snap open.

"Wait" Marc shook his head. "Which party?"

"The one after the football game" I laugh quietly at his panicked look.

"That's why you were acting so weird" Marc mumbled. "So I guess that means you're not into me?"

I stared at his expectant eyes. He was waiting for me to laugh in his face. To tell him that I hated him. But I shouldn't lie to him. I shouldn't lie to myself anymore.

"I like you a lot" I laugh a little. "More than I ever thought I would to be honest"

Marc's face didn't change as he stared at me and I was confused. Shouldn't he be happy?

"But.. you also have feelings for Kevin" Marc sighed and I burst out into laughter. "What's funny?"

"I have never-never" I couldn't get my words out. "I don't have feelings for Kevin"

"Why?" Marc's head tilted like he was genuinely confused.

"Because it's Kevin" I raised my eyebrows. "And he didn't know my name the day you came back" I counted 2 on my hand. "And it's Kevin"

"But he's better than me, Tee" Marc rolled his eyes.

"Oh shut up, Marc" I walk straight up to him and wrap my arms around his neck, smashing my lips to his.

Marc's lips are still for a moment before he reciprocates my movements. His hands find my waist and his lips are working fast against mine. His hands are squeezing and holding me close to him. Like he's afraid that I'll disappear.

All I heard was my heartbeat and it felt like I was floating and the tingles I was feeling felt like fireworks going off around my room.

Marc Preston was the source of it all and I didn't care anymore. I don't care what I felt in the past. All I want is to feel Marc Preston.

My knees hit the edge of my bed and we fall back onto it.

I expect to feel Marc's hands start to wonder my body but they don't. Instead they reposition so that one is holding my hand and the other is in my hair.

I smile as I feel Marc's jacket rub against me and I feel his body weight on top of me. It was comforting.

"God I love you so much, Thea" Marc smiles against me and I smile back against the kiss.

"Fuck-sorry" The voice doesn't bother me but I feel Marc's body still.

"Kevin-" Marc stands up but the door slams closed. "Fuck"

"Do you really care about what he thinks?" I question.

"Not really" Marc glances down at me with a ghost smile. "Do you?"

"Nope" I laugh and Marc joins me.

"C'mon. Let's go back" Marc offers me his hand and I take it.

I don't know what this means about us. But I'm excited for the future.