chapter twenty-five – past lovers and self help

"Look at me, Thea." Mom bent down to my height. "You never, ever let any boy make you cry."

"But Marc's a butthead!" I cried out.

"Right now, he is a butthead." Mom grinned. "But one day he won't be. And then he will be. And then he won't. That's how life works. Daddy was a butthead to me a few times."

"Really?" I glanced over to where Daddy was talking to Marc's daddy.

"Yes, really." Mom grabbed my hand. "He never dumped sand in my hair, but Daddy made some mistakes that made me really sad. But I love him. But not more than I love myself. That's what you need to always remember, baby girl."

"Mommy you're silly." I giggled. "That's not hard because I don't love Marc!"

I opened my eyes, listening to the beeping of my alarm.

6:00am

Usually I wouldn't wake up until 7:45. All I had to do was get up and leave my house. But today starts a fresh new me.

The old me. But a new version of her. I won't let the Preston's influence me unless I want them to.

I dragged myself out of bed, realizing that this will be a lot harder than I expected.

All I want to do is lay in my bed and cry. But I can't. I have to do this for Dad. For Mom. For Wyatt, Laurel, Charlie and Millie. I need to let this go. For myself.

I made my way to the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the linen closet and turning the shower on.

While waiting for the water to heat up, I brushed my teeth and detangled my hair.

My quick 10 minute shower turned into a 25 minute crying session when I realized that Marc would always comment about how much he loved the way my hair smelled after using this shampoo and conditioner.

But I stopped myself and made myself get out of the shower.

Once I had my hair wrapped up in a towel and a towel secured around my body, I made my way back to my bedroom to find an outfit.

I searched my closet for something, anything that didn't have a memory with Marc attached to it.

Not that top, I wore it the day Marc came back.

Not those jeans, I wore those to the football game where Marc first kissed me.

Not that dress, I wore those to Marc's house when we worked on our project.

Then I saw it. It was my Mom's. A simple long sleeve hot pink shirt. It honestly sounds really ugly but all it made me think of was my Mom. And that made me happy.

35 minutes later I was ready for school. I made my way downstairs and found my Dad eating breakfast by himself.

I suddenly felt really guilty. I forgot about our morning routine. Every morning at 7am, Dad and I would eat breakfast and just talk until Wyatt woke up to drive me to school and Dad left for work.

He's been eating by himself for weeks while I sulked up in my room...

"Good morning, Dad." I smiled at him as I pulled out a chair at the breakfast nook.

"Hey, pumpkin. You're up early." Dad smiled up from his newspaper.

"Yeah. I wanted to look good for school." I laughed.

Dad and I just ate and talked about a bunch of random things until Wyatt slithered down from his room because he smelled the scent of bacon. Not long after that, Dad had to leave for work so he kissed me on the forehead, patted Wyatt on the back because Wyatt had bacon fall down the wrong pipe and he was off to work.

And now here we are, Wyatt and I on our way to school at 7:45am. We haven't been this early in weeks.

"You look happy." Wyatt commented and I crinkled my nose when I saw the eye boogers still in the corner of his eyes.

"Yeah well, I decided to let everything go and become a better me." I forced a smile on my lips. This is going to take time but I need to try.

"What? Did you read one of Dad's self help books?" Wyatt cracked a smile and I rolled my eyes.

"Actually Dad kind of preached to me. Maybe he's trying to write his own book." I laughed along with Wyatt.

"It's good to have you back, Tee." Wyatt smiled but before I could reply, the car jolted.

"Shit." Wyatt cussed as he pulled into a parking space behind the car he just bumped into.

"I'll just walk from here, I can see the front doors." I gestured down the street.

Wyatt and I unbuckled our seatbelts so I could go to school and Wyatt can talk to the other driver.

We got to the sidewalk when someone slammed their car door shut.

We both looked over to see Devin, to be the other driver. And he looked furious.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Devin barked at Wyatt.

"Bro chill, it was just an-"

"Wyatt!" I screeched as Devin's fist hit Wyatt's jaw.

Wyatt stumbled back and fell.

"What the hell?!" I yelled at Devin but I stopped myself when I saw his appearance.

Devin looked like he was a mess. His eyes were bloodshot like he hadn't been sleeping in days and I could see the tears pooling in them.

"I-I" Devin tried to speak but anybody could tell that he was about to start crying.

"Devin-"

"Go to school, Tee. I got this." I furrowed my eyebrows at Wyatt's gentle tone.

"Are you sure?" I frowned.

"Yeah, I'll see you later." I decided to listen to Wyatt. I gave Devin a sympathetic smile before making my way towards the school.

But curiosity got the best of me.

Wyatt and Devin were as close as Kevin and I back when we were kids. Or at least in high school. They were best friends until the end of Wyatt's senior year. Then they just stopped speaking.

So I turned back, curious to what I might see. Maybe two buddies catching up or maybe two enemies fighting. I expected to see anything but what I saw.

They were standing really close to each other. Wyatt was looking down to Devin, since he was probably 5 inches taller. And Wyatt had one hand on Devin's shoulder while the other was tightly holding Devin's hand.

That looked intimate. An exchange between past lovers not old buddies.

And that's when it clicked.

Wyatt's not straight.

So many questions flew through my mind but when Wyatt's eyes snapped to mine, they were begging me to just turn around and not ask any questions.

So that's exactly what I did. I turned around and I went to school.

I met up with my friends who were surprised and happy to see me. I was functioning. I went to all my classes. I participated. I joined in on Millie's mocking of Charlie and Laurel. I joked around with Charlie like always.

Devin never showed up at school and Kevin asked me if I had seen him.

I lied. I told him that I saw Devin driving towards their house on my way here. Because I knew where he actually was. He was with my brother. And they didn't want anyone to know.

My suspicions were confirmed 8th period when Wyatt told me he was getting me an Uber home. And then I showed up at home and he wasn't there.

I groaned as I fell back into my bed. Today was exhausting. Forcing yourself to be happy was exhausting.

Especially when you have that nagging voice in the back of your head reminding you about all of the bad.

I shouldn't have acknowledged that voice. Because once I did. That's all that was there.

All of the bad. And I was finding myself sinking back into the hole I had just dug myself out of.

I thought that it was all impossible until I heard my mom.

"You never, ever let any boy make you cry."

And that's how I ended up with my phone tightly gripped in my hand near my ear.

"I know that you probably aren't using your phone right now. That's why I called it because I don't want to stress you out right now. But I need to get this off of my chest. I love you, Marc. I love you so much that what you said to me the other day destroyed me. But not more than watching you seize and choke on your own vomit. That broke me in ways that I didn't know I could break. Because I didn't want you to get hurt. I only wanted you to be happy. That's why I told Kevin to meet me in my bedroom. I was going to have Devin bring you up there and we were going to lock you guys in together. To work out your problems. But Kevin thought I wanted to hook up and when I was yelling at him, he kissed me. That's what you saw. I understand that you're mad. I would have been too. But this wasn't my fault. And I don't believe that right now but I will. Because if I don't, I'll die. Maybe not physically but mentally I'll be gone. I was gone for the past 2 weeks. And that hurt a lot of people. I don't want anyone else to get hurt. You changed me, Marc. I used to be so hateful. I used to hate you because all that I thought about was the bad. I used to hate God because I believed he took my Mom away from me. I used to hate a lot of things. But then you started making me see the good in everything. I was the good in you and it made me fall so deeply for you. You can hate me forever if that's what you want. But I won't hate myself anymore. I want to love myself more than I love you. And I love you a lot. Goodbye, Marc."

Beep.