After she set those on my kitchen table, she went back out to her car and grabbed three boxes of tissues, a frozen pizza, a block of chocolate and a bag of microwavable popcorn.

"Elaine..." I said. "You didn't have to."

"Of course I did. We need to keep our energy up."

I'd replayed the video on Clarissa's Instagram at least a dozen times, each time looking at my stupid face, and the obvious stupid tears that were in my eyes. "Tell me everything. Vent. Scream at me. You can pretend I'm Clarissa and beat the snot out of me if you want!" She exclaimed, violently shaking her fist. In between a sniffle, I let out a laugh. "But seriously...I'm here for you. We can just talk, or we can also not talk at all and just binge on ice cream. Whatever you want," she said softly.

At that, I started crying. For the following few minutes, Elaine kept her arms around me while I cried.

It was an ugly cry too, because her shoulder was soaked, and I could feel the boogers running down my nose.

I finally pulled away and she passed me a tissue box. I blew my nose and wiped away my tears.

By the time we'd finished all the food and our sides ached from laughing at the movies, it was one in the morning. "You can sleep over," I offered, not keen on having her drive alone so late at night.

"No can do. Believe it or not, my parents will murder me if I don't come home tonight."

"Fiine," I groaned, walking her out to her car. It was chilly outside and I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm. "Drive safe," I said.

"Feel better tomorrow, and remember you're the bestest person ever," she grinned. I laughed, waving as her car backed out of the driveway and disappeared into the distance.

I tossed and turned in bed. The harder I tried to not think about everything, the more the thoughts crossed my mind. I had been stupid enough to think that someone was interested in me enough to leave me notes. Elaine's voice echoed in my head. No negative thinking. Self-love. "I am kind, smart and amazing," I whispered weakly to myself. The tears trickled out from the corners of my eyes, sliding down the side of my face.

Breathe in. Hold. And out. In. Hold. Out.

Thankfully, sleep eclipsed me.

--

The alarm woke me the next morning. I could feel my eyes open funny and knew my eyelids were probably all puffy. I reached for my phone to switch the alarm off.

And maybe check Instagram. No. I definitely don't want to open Instagram. I opened it and saw the latest post from Clarissa. It was a photo of her and Parker. It looked recent, especially given it was in the airport. So, he arrived early that morning. Her caption was: "friends finally back in the country" along with an airplane emoji.

There were already dozens of comments on the post.

Is this the couple of the year?

You guys are the cutest!! Xoxo

I'm so here for this

FINALLY guys

My heart fell, and any shred I had of hope, any delusion that maybe Parker and I had something disappeared. We obviously weren't even friends. After what she'd posted of me, no friend would stand by and do that sort of thing. I looked at the photo of them smiling together. Of course he was with someone like Clarissa. I went back to her feed.

There were dozens of selfies, then a bunch of photos of her in different outfits, then poolside in a bikini. She was beautiful no matter what she wore. She was a perfect match for Parker. They were from the same world. How was I meant to compare? Even her stupid nose crinkled cutely.

Looking at a photo of her at the beach made me feel my stomach bloat. I looked at the photo of her and Parker one last time and deleted the app. I was resolute. Parker and me could never happen. I could never measure up. I was getting over Parker Lennox and we were definitely not even friends.

My stupid ass cried again while I washed my face. I felt pathetic that something like that could make me cry all over again. The fact that I'd been invested enough in something as stupid as one night spent hanging out to cry over it made me cry some more. What a funny cycle. 

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