How did I manage to fuck up so badly? We were doing so good.

Why did I click on the notification? What was I thinking with? Even I can't forgive myself. I'm better than that. I was trying my best for her but she saw me at my worst. We were doing so good.

I can't even try to explain myself. I don't deserve her. She went way out of her comfort zone for me, and I was so selfish that even that wasn't enough to feed my ego.

I can't even text her now. I have so much to say, but I don't have the courage to send it to her.

She called me a manipulator. What did I do? Am I toxic? How did I scare her so badly? What made her think she was being manipulated? I knew I shouldn't have talked about my feelings. It's all my fault.

Oh gosh, I confessed. At the wrong fucking time. The worst timing possible.

All the perfect times I could say it but bit my tongue to not let it slip. After all my efforts to try to hold it back until I see that she's ready to hear it, after all my plans to make that moment perfect, make it the best memory of her life-

I ruined everything. How did I even manage to do it in a matter of hours?

Weren't we good for each other? I thought I made her happy? Wasn't she happy with me?

She let me take care of her when she was sick. I was so happy to help, but I was scared. She let me help her with school. I was so happy that I understood the equations and had enough knowledge to be able to help someone as smart as her.

I wonder if she remembers the times I made her happy rather than the ones I hurt her.

I remember the times she made me happy. Like the time she spooned me while I was feeling down and called me baby. The time she said she liked my voice after I strained it from reading out loud for hours for her. The time she leaned her head on my shoulder and watched me practice for the video we never filmed. The time we kissed on the New Years Eve under the city lights. Everything she did made me happy.

I don't want to remember the times she hurt me. There were many but she didn't mean to, it's not her fault. We all have issues, it's my fault that I couldn't accept hers at times.

I got hurt that time she kissed George. We all make bad decisions, I shouldn't have pushed on her for it. I got hurt every single time she called me her friend, but I should've known better than to expect more than that. I got hurt every time I tried to talk about my feelings and she changed the topic or didn't react to my words at all. I got hurt finding out that her and George were keeping something a secret from me.

There's nothing between them. Nothing other than the friendship that I ruined.

I should've made the best of it while I had her. Everyone told me she was too good for me. I knew it too. And I lost her. I lost her because I was a little too scared to lose her.

I'm so pathetic.

I hope she's okay. I hope she stays away from alcohol. She can't tolerate it, she needs to stay away from it like I do. I don't need alcohol, I need her.

I wonder what she'd do if she knew I'd been having panic attacks. She wouldn't call me weak. She understands me. She'd play with my hair until I'd calm down. She'd let me sleep with my head on her chest and arms around her waist. I'm probably too heavy for her fragile body, but she doesn't complain.

Could I fix it if I tried harder? I think I didn't try hard enough. I should've never spoke about my feelings and how she invalidates them after I invalidated her privacy.

I'm such a mess. I miss her so much. How many days has it been?

Already a week.

I have texts from George and Nick. I should probably reply. They must be worried.

"I've not done anything stupid and won't, don't worry. I've been sober the whole time. I'm okay physically. I'm trying my best to get there mentally. Don't worry about me. I'm sorry."

Did I cover all the cracks with that? I would ask about Liz, but their recent texts were all saying that she'd been ignoring the calls and texts.

God, I hope she's okay. She must be okay. If I'm still here, then she is as well. She's stronger than me. Way stronger. But she's the one who got hurt. It's harder for her.

I thought I'd get better over time. I got worse. The 10th day got too much. I went through our pictures and videos together.

She's so happy in them. All I wanted to do was make her happy. All I want now is to see her happy again.

Is it too late to fix it now? I'll do anything for her. I just want to see her again.

Maybe I should just text her.

I don't need her to reply, I just want to see if she's there, if she still cares to read.

My vision was blurry when I opened her chat. I blamed the fact that I saw her typing on my sleepless nights.

Hey

That sounds so stupid. Why did I even write that?

I deleted it and tried again.

How are you?

That's even worse. Of course she's not good, why would I ask that?

What.

I swear I saw her type. It's there, it's right there- it says that she's typing. Am I hallucinating? Is she actually here?

I quickly got back to my keyboard.

I can't send this but I love you.

She didn't send what she wrote.

She'll probably think I'm manipulating if I send mine.

I deleted it all.