《Coder Girl /Dreamwastaken/》՞՞107՞՞
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Ten more days have passed. I'm not better, but I'm learning to live with it.
I thought about us a lot. During these 20 days that's all I'd been doing.
I think I found one of the many issues that I never thought about.
We moved too fast. It got overwhelming. We were able to gain such trust and connection in just a month after we met. He got in that snapchat drama and reached out for me to help. Best friends of years sometimes don't trust each other with stuff like that.
Then after spending most of our days together, we crossed continents. Most people know each other for decades and never get the chance to travel together, and traveling is such a strong bonding opportunity. We became too dependent on each other, and that just wasn't healthy.
I realized one more thing. Committing to him wouldn't be that hard if I didn't always try to think of him as another person who has the full potential to hurt me. I didn't even try to accept Clay as Clay, I thought of him as another love interest who could mess me up if he wanted to.
I should've accepted him with all of his issues and tried to build a relationship like that instead of closing my ears and eyes and opening my mouth whenever it got too much.
It would be so good like that. If I saw Clay as himself - the guy who has trust issues but the prettiest personality. I'd try to make him feel safer, I'd talk instead of offering my body to help him take out his anger that way. Maybe it still wouldn't work even if we tried that, but it's no big deal, right? We'd end it on good terms and still be friends.
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I knew he got jealous seeing me with George. It was absolute nonsense, so I spent time with George even more just to make him realize that his jealousy wasn't valid and couldn't stop me from having friends.
That's not how you treat someone who has jealousy issues. I should've known better. I kept feeding the small devil he had inside until it got bigger than him and bit me.
But everything else was so perfect. Our jokes, our interests, our preferences, our friends, our little moments, our kisses, our cuddles, our nights together and everything.. so perfect, couldn't ask for anything better.
I said I'm not feeling better, but.. I think I am. I think I'm better cause I understand a lot more now. I understand my issues. Not the ones that affected me, but the ones that affected him. I think I can fix them. Not for trying to rebuild our relationship, but for trying to be a better person. At the end of the day that's what it all should be about.
I thought I needed to spend more time with him to finally be able to commit. But not committing was my issue, and I was the one who needed to work on it. His presence just made me feel like I was being forced to commit faster, yet he wasn't the one forcing me. I just saw his feelings, I saw him falling deeper and deeper for me every day and felt forced to do the same. It gave me anxiety.
I just needed time for myself to think. 20 days is a lot of time, but I have it figured now. I can be better and I will be better. Not for him, not for anyone else. For me.
Day 20 and I'm realizing a lot of things.
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I downloaded a psychology book (I know it's funny, but still) and searched for the section I wanted to read.
Manipulation.
Turns out people can do it without even realizing. I trust Lizzy, if she said she felt manipulated, then I did something wrong. I had no idea I could manipulate someone without realizing, without using a single lie in my speech. All I remember is me talking about how I felt without even exaggerating things.
But guess what? Wrong timing.
I can't just stand infront of a vulnerable person with a fear of moving too fast and pour my heart out in the middle of a heated fight. Maybe if I was more educated on this before, I'd realize and stop.
I was so scared to talk about my feelings when I was in right mind, and a rush of adrenaline was all I needed to break down at the wrong time and let it all out, scaring her even more.
I'll never do such a thing again. Whether I end up with Lizzy or someone else. I know better now.
I thought about my jealousy a lot too, and why was it so intense when it came to George and Lizzy. I should've seen George as George, my best friend, and Lizzy as Lizzy, the girl I love. All I saw was my ex and the older guy that used to be her best friend-
That's so stupid. I'm so stupid. It's funny how stupid that is.
Why didn't I realize it earlier? Cause she was always around, and George was always around her. I needed a break to think. Yeah, these 20 days were a hell of a break, maybe too painful to be considered healthy, but it did its job.
Every night, for the past week I started a relationship with Lizzy in my mind. I didn't change a lot of things, just the parts where we went wrong. And there weren't that many..? Why did we make such a big deal out of them if we could solve them by just giving each other space?
She won't give me a chance, but for some reason I have my every step planned in my head to build a healthy relationship if she ever does.
We don't need to change our jokes, our interests, our preferences, our friends.. they're all perfect. I'll just make sure to communicate instead of yelling my feelings out, never ever again even try to invade her privacy, not let things build up inside of me to the point where I just explode and don't recognize myself.
I can't apologize for the person I'm not. I don't accept that person. And it's all in my hands. I choose who I am, and I choose to be better. Not for anyone, but for me.
Incompatibility wouldn't be a thing if we had enough strength to work on ourselves.
I'll try to be strong.
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