Insecurity.

Basically should come with the teen years as a package deal.

No wait, it is a package deal.

You hate it. You hate yourself. But the fact that pisses you off the most is that there actually is a cure, but you refuse to acknowledge it.

Can you imagine a cancer patient going, "I refuse the cure because I'm not worthy!"

We're idiots.

And like every good package deal, there is the free gift the comes with it!

Vulnerability.

How exciting.

Instead of accepting ourselves we make our own lives a living hell.

The actual definition of Insecurity is everything your not.

Not confident or sure.

Not guarded or sustained.

Hello everyone, my name is Ashlyn Airwood, I have an obsession with doing everything the right way, winning meaningless awards, and screwing my self over many times by wearing my heart on my sleeve, making myself constantly confused and am scared of accepting myself for who I am.

I am insecure.

I am in love with a monster who suffers bipolar disorder cause he's totally psycho and god knows what goes through that brain of his.

I was kissed yesterday by another man who said all the right things and I kissed him back.

Now, what do I do?

It seems to me that now I've hit a breaking point where I've sat on my bed for the last four hours stuffing myself with junk food and having tissues near by for when I burst in to tears every now and then.

So confusing because just last night I was ready to take on the world and start winning again but immediately after I realized something.

How in the hell am I going to do that?!

Going to school with the boy that I hate/love and-

Ding.

I pick up my phone next to my box of tissues and see a text from Ben.

I immediately throw my phone across the room.

"Devil!" I groan and rub my temples.

Every minute this gets more confusing and I have no clue what to do.

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"Mmm," I chug the last bit of my beer and turn it upside down. "Another one bites the dust."

Harry shakes his head with a smirk sipping his own drink like the pansy he is. "You need to slow down, Mate."

"You need to shut the fuck up, mate." He's starting to piss me off.

I came to this party to get drunk, find a good few fun girls to take my mind off things, and Harry was starting to shit on my fun fest.

Harry shakes his head running his fingers through his curls and sighs barely audible over the loud music. I feel the bass rumbling in my chest as a busty brunette about to burst out of her top sits on my lap and runs her fingers through my hair.

Now we're talking.

"I'm Jamie." She says into my ear and I smirk.

"I'm Bain." I give her hips a squeeze and she giggles.

"Want to go upstairs?" She smirks and runs her hands on my chest leaning in to put her lips on mine.

Her lips were rough and tasted like vodka. Her tongue made its way into my mouth and I pushed her away from me wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

She never tasted like that. Her lips were soft and tasted like vanilla, she was tender and made me want more never pushing for more.

But I can't be thinking about her. She isn't for me. She needs a good man to be there for her, watch movies and cuddle and shit. I'm not a boyfriend and I never will be.

I'm a disappointment, that's all I'll ever be.

I pushed away my disgust and grabbed the girls hand standing her up from where she fell in the floor. "Let's go upstairs."

Even after pushing her onto the floor she followed my lead like the desperate bitch she was. She stumbled into the upstairs room and I closed and locked the door taking off my jacket and slamming her against the wall kissing her neck.

She giggles and moans her dragon nails clawing at my back. She smells like a backstreet bar stuffed in a Victoria secret.

I pushed away my disgust again knowing I had to do this, I had to move on.

She moans my name and takes off her shirt laying back on the bed smirking.

I swallowed hard and laid on top of her kissing her again harder this time trying my best to at-least get this over with.

Suddenly I opened my eyes and I saw her.

Ashley.

Laying beneath me and smiling her beautiful eyes looking up at me like the innocent girl she was.

I blinked hard and the beautiful girl changed to the party chick. "Are you going to take these off or what?" She laughs and pulls at my clothing.

I helped her and growled frustrated now and start kissing down her chest.

She moans and I look up again seeing Ashley.

Her blushing cheeks and her hands covering her beautiful face from embarrassment.

"Hello? Are you going to keep stopping all night?" Jamie says annoyed and I stood up furrowing my eyebrows.

I blink my eyes again and Ashley is standing next to me. She touches my shoulder and smiles. "Or you could come with me. You love me."

"No I don't. I can't." I shake my head and grab my jacket running out of the room leaving a half naked girl on the bed.

Something I've never done before, but I can't do this.

Not if she's there, watching me. Taunting me.

"Hey! Bain! Wait!" Harry follows me out as I run out of the house and hop onto my bike starting it up.

"What happened?!" He questions and I glare at him.

"She's in my fucking head! That's what happened!" I push off leaving him behind calling after me and I go faster on my bike.

My head is buzzing from either the many drinks I had or the pounding of my heart.

Stop thinking about her!

I don't deserve her.

You've never needed anyone!

She's so good. Pure.

I'm filthy, a player, a drunk, everything she doesn't need.

My blood starts rushing through my head my heart pounding and I'm swinging past cars and red lights.

The passing surroundings are a blur and I just want to get out of my head I don't want to feel anything anymore I want to be numb.

The next thing I thought after seeing a 18 wheeler cross the intersection and I hit the brakes on the wet pavement of the road to late was:

Careful what you wish for.