HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!

Shit

Shit

Shit

I'm fucking 28 years old and I still get clammy hands and I'm sweating my clothes out over a girl.

Well she isn't just any girl. She is the love of my life.

Just saying those words makes my stomach feel all knotted, but I can't ignore the warm feeling in my heart.

"Dude breathe" Issac says, trying to console me.

"Don't tell me to breathe or fucking calm down! You're already married and are settled down with Bay. You're set. Me, I'm still struggling to put my damn boxers on in the morning. The fuck." I rant and pace back and forth on the carpet.

I'm absolutely fucked.

I look up to catch Armani filming me with his phone with a mischievous grin on his face.

"I'm gonna fucking break your knee with a lacrosse stick if you don't shut that shit camera off." I yell and run my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots. I discarded my shirt off somewhere in this huge room, leaving me in my tank top and black tie because I didn't want to mess up my shirt that I spent so much time ironing.

"What the fuck was I thinking? She is gonna hate me. She already does. She already thinks that I'm not honest with her and that I am screwing my publicist." Why would she think I was screwing Francesca? Francesca is all skin and bones. She doesn't have a single curve on her body, she is annoying as hell, and to be completely honest, I don't find her attractive at all. Her natural flame red hair and small features just don't appeal to me. Not once has it.

But Zoe just doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe that I love her and her only. But can I really blame her for having doubts in our relationship? No. For 10 years, we have been going back and forth with each other. First, my infidelity and lies ruined our high school relationship. Then, it was distance and lack of communication. Then, publicity, rumors of me being with other girls, and ambushes she has faced. And now, its the damn publicist and again, my lies.

I'm a real fuck up and I hate that I am inflicting all this shit on her that she doesn't deserve.

But I love her.

"Stop pacing around. You are giving me a damn headache. Sit the hell down, drink a glass of whiskey, and go propose to her. You spent thousands of dollars on that ring. Might as well give it to her." Issac says and downs a shot of whiskey.

"You don't get it." I murmur and rub my hands over my face, feeling myself get frustrated as hell.

"Then explain because you have been keeping this in and sparing us little to no details for the past 10 years." Armani says and lays back in the reclining table.

Zoe is controlling this event which is a charity event to raise money to get healthcare to kids in Africa. Bay is working on it with her because she is a pediatrician herself. They are already here, but the event hasn't started, so Bay put us all in this room.

"Nah. I can't listen to myself sound like a fucking sap" I shake my head and decide to sit down in the plush seat in front of Armani and Issac. I rest my elbows on my knees and rest my face in my hands. I close my eyes shut and try to block out all images of the beautiful woman I have been in love with for the past decade, but no matter how much I try to shut her out, the images flood right in. Images of her laughing while I tickled her on the couch in my apartment, her laying on my chest as we watched the Notebook for the hundredth time, or her reading another Jane Austen novel on the patio of my beach house upstate with a pen in her mouth and a mug of hot chocolate next to her.

The fact that I know who Jane Austen is fucks with my mind enough.

"Armani, pass him my noise cancelling headphones on the table next to you." I hear Issac say. I lean my head up and watch as Armani passes me the pair of black beats noise cancelling headphones.

"The hell do you want me to do with that?" I ask Issac, feeling drained.

"Put them on. You won't be able to hear anything you say, but you will be able to get some stuff off your chest." He says and shrugs his shoulders. I stare at the pair of headphones in Armani's hand and then back at Issac. I grab the headphones and put it on. Instantly, the sounds of everything else happening drowns out.

Armani nods his head, signalling for me to start talking.

"I don't know where to start." The ring box in my pants pocket is weighing more and more in my pocket as I contemplate about this whole thing.

"I love her so fucking much that it kills me. I love her more than my need to breathe, but no matter what I do, I just keep fucking up and the thing is, I dont mean to. I love her so much. I love the way her eyes light up when she sees something she loves or she accomplishes something. I love how compassionate and driven she is. She is independent and she knows what she wants and she won't let anyone fuck that up. She is beautiful, forgiving, strong, and the most passionate person I have ever met. I love her. For the past 10 years, I haven't been able to love anyone else the way I love her. Models and strippers don't even compare to her. I haven't looked at a girl twice since I have been with Zoe, well after high school at least."

"Thing is I don't even deserve her. I should have let her break up with me a long time ago and she would probably be with some guy who would never hurt her, who could be with her all the time and not in another country every few weeks or months for work. She would be married and with cute little children by now, but because of me, she has shed more tears than she should, yelled more than her tiny voice could take, and has become angrier than her bright self should. Because of my stupid talk of not wanting to have children, she has put it off even though I know its something she wants. The only reason why I said that is because I'm a fucking scared coward. I don't wanna have children and then become a worthless shit like my father and leave. I couldn't do that to my child or Zoe, especially since her father walked out."

"I don't want to screw this up. I need her, desperately, but what if she decides one day, that all the shit I put her through is too much and she leaves? I mean, could I blame her? No." I run my hands over my eyes, feeling them water.

God, I'm crying now.

"Damn her for making me love her! Damn her for making me want to spend the rest of my life with her. Damn her for making me want to be a better person. Fuck, because I love her so damn much, I bought her this damn ring. 6 carats like she always wanted." I dig the box out my pocket and put it on the table, not able to stare at it. I cover my face in my hands, wanting to hide myself from the rest of the world.

"God damn it" I murmur to myself.

A tap on my leg causes me to lift my head up. I look up at Armani and he has a slight smile on his face. He nods his head toward the door. I look over to the door and I instantly shoot out my seat.

Zoe is standing at the door with a clipboard in her hands and tears in her eyes. She has on an off the shoulder white bodycon dress with a slit in the leg part, showing off part of her thigh and her long legs. Just staring at her reminds me of our last night together, which was when we were in Dubai a few weeks ago. Her long brown hair is straigtened and flows all the way down to her waist. Her lips are colored in with a light pink lipstick and her makeup isn't too heavy and leaves a natural look on her face.

She is stunning.

Armani and Issac get up and walk past Zoe, leaving me and her in the room. They close the door behind them.

"How much did you hear?" I ask her, unable to look at her in her eye for fear that I might find rejection in them.

"Enough." She says softly.

A few moments pass and she says, "Did you mean any of that?"

I look up at her to find her staring at me intently as tears continue to roll down her face. I want to walk over to her and wipe them gently off her face, making sure not to smudge her makeup in the process, but I feel like she will move away from me and that pain will overwhelm me.

"Of course I did." I tell her honestly. Her eyes flick over to the velvet box that contains the promise of my love that she will wear on her finger.

"What do you want Asher? I need to know because I-" She shrugs her shoulder and taps her fingernails on her clipboard.

"I-" I start but she cuts me off.

"Because if you want me to say yes you have to tell me exactly how you feel and what you want because I.... I can't keep going in circles and I won't continue it if I am to be your wife, so please...tell me, I have been through all this with you. I deserve some communication." she says and rubs her hands on her dress.

"I want you. I want to be with you. I don't want anyone else. Not Francesca. Not Marisol. Not any of those people who claim to be with me. I have only ever wanted you because I love you."

"How can I trust you? After everything you put me through! The lies, the secrets, everything! I-I can't be with you if you keep doing this to me. You can't keep hurting me Asher. I- I can't handle it anymore, but please don't tell me all of this" She gestures between us. "Don't tell me all of this, ten years worth of this, was all for nothing. So if you have something real to tell me please say it because I feel like I am holding on by a thread with you."

Looking at her gorgeous face stained with tears, tears that I caused, is literally breaking my heart. No matter what I do, I continue to cause her this pain.

But why is it so hard for me to say those 4 words that could end this relationship and put her out of her misery? Because I'm selfish.

All I have to say is 'I don't love you'.

But I just can't, I've lied to her enough.

But she is right, this could not have all been for nothing. No matter what we do, we always come back to each other. Its been like that for 10 years straight.

"I know I'm a screw up and I keep hurting you and I hate that I keep doing that because I never mean to hurt you. I love you so so so much. I can't lose you. No matter what we do, we always come back to each other. You are the love of my life Zoe and I want you to be my wife. I want you to be the person who I have children with. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are my only chance of happiness in my life and to not end up like him. Please." I tell her, tears already falling from my eyes.

She shakes her head and covers her mouth with her hand. She looks down at her shoes as her shoulder shake as she cries.

"Love shouldn't be like this. If you loved me, we wouldn't be doing this back and forth thing all the time. I-I just can't with this anymore." She says and turns around and heads toward the door.

No

I can't let her leave me. Not after everything. If these ten years have shown me anything, it's that I am meant to be with her. No one goes back and forth with each other as much as we do and don't end up with each other. We love each other too much to let go. I just have to prove to her that we are real and not just some joke that has been going on rewind for 10 years.

I quickly grab the velvet box on the table and dash towards her. I quickly grab her hand, halting her movement and startling her. She turns around and looks up at me. Up close as I stare into her tear-filled caramel eyes, sadness and confusion is evident in her eyes. Her bottom lip is quivering as she tries to hold in her sobs. Her mascara isn't running thankfully.

"Wha-" She starts.

I bend down on one knee with the velvet box in my left hand. Zoe gasps and holds her hand over her chest. Her face glows under the fluorescent lights making her look like a goddess.

"You are the only person who has accepted and loved me unconditionally despite everything I have done and everything I have been through. I don't deserve your love, your kindness, your respect, your anything, but you still manage to put up with me. I know I have given you no reason to trust me or believe anything I say, but I need you to believe that I love you more than anything. I gave you the impression that I didn't want a future with you, but it was only because I was shit scared of ruining us and turning out like my dad. Of course, I want a future with you. I want to get married" I gesture to the ring box in my hand. "Obviously"

She smiles smally and I take that as progress.

"I want to have little Zoe's and Asher's running around. I want to build and grow with you. I want to change and be a better man for you and a great father for our future children. You are my world Zoe, please, say yes." I plead and look into her eyes. She sighs and looks down at the ring in the box and the corners of her lips tug up slightly.

"Asher...you have put me through hell. How could I forgive you for all of this and become your wife? You will just do it again."

"The greatest relationships aren't the perfect ones where everyhting is perfect and the most we fight about is about what we would have for dinner. I don't know how you put up with my shit at all. We are complicated, messed up, confusing, but our love brings us together. I know its hard to believe I love you, bu-"

"Yes!" she blurts out. My eyes widen and I tighten my grip on the box before it falls out of my grip. My heart beats increase as she holds her hand out to me. I place my hand inside hers and stand up. Her eyes never leave mine as I ascend.

"Really?" I whisper out, not believing that she would really say yes to marry me.

Hell, who would want to marry me?

"Despite everything you put me through, I love you and I know that you love me. I see it every time you look at me. I feel it every time we make love" She says and brushes her thumb against my cheekbone as she blushes a light pink. "Maybe I'm naive for forgiving you all the time, but I don't think it's because I'm weak. I know its because I am strong. I want to be your wife, more than anything else. I want to be the mother of your children. I want it all, but you need to promise me and I mean promise me that you won't hurt me again, at least not on purpose. Please don't cheat, lie, keep secrets, please don't because I couldn't take it if I married you and you continued with this cycle, I would die, not physically but like emotionally. Please Asher, promise." She looks up at me, her eyes filled to the brim with tears.

"I promise. I promise it on my heart. If I hurt you again, I couldn't live with it. I swear it on my life. Never again" And I mean it.

I take the ring out the box and pocket the box. I take Zoe's hand in mine and admire her silky brown skin before sliding the ring on her finger. I admire how perfect the light hits the ring and how great it compliments her skin. I look up at Zoe and watch as fat, salty tears stream down her face as she stares at the ring.

Even while crying, she is beautiful.

I swipe the tears away gently, remembering not to smudge her makeup which is something you should not do. I place my hands on each side of her face and bring her face to mine and bringing our lips together. Her soft lips move gently against mine, leaving a tingly feeling on my lips. Her hand lays right above my palpitating heart and her other hand lays in the nape of neck as her fingernails glide softly against the hairs at my nape. Salty tears, from which one of us is unknown, mingles into our kiss. Her tongue glides against my bottom lip and her hands grip harder at my hair. Our breaths become more ragged and faster as our kiss increases in speed and like every other time, we kiss, the passion becomes incredibly strong. It's almost like we have an insatiable desire for each other. We can never get enough of each other.

A knock at the door causes us to instantly stop. I pull away from her slowly and lean my forehead against hers. Our ragged breathing is the only noise in the room until another knock sounds at the door.

"Zoe...Asher. It's time. People are starting to come inside." I hear Bay's voice say on the other side of the door.

I open my eyes to find Zoe staring into my green eyes. She smiles a small smile before leaning her head closer and pecking my lips and pulling away to open the door.

Issac and Armani are on either side of the door as they tap away at their phones. Bay is nowhere to be found. As we step out, Issac and Armani look up from their phones and instantly look down at Zoe's hand.

Once staring at the sparkling ring for what seems like an eternity, they look at each other and smile.

The fuck is wrong with these two?

I make a note to beat the shit out of Armani just because I get the feeling he made a bet on the engagement with Zoe. He probably didn't do it because he is just that type of guy. That mischevious little shit.

"So Zoe are you the type of girl to hyphenate?" Armani asks, smugly. Zoe giggles, but I flip him the bird anyway.

He is an asshole, good intentions or not. But nonetheless, he is my best friend who I've tolerated for over a decade now.

Zoe encircles her arm around my waist to being us closer. I look down at her to find her staring up at me with the same look she had in her eye the day I gave her a promise ring.

"Contrary to Armani's beliefs, I'm not a hyphenating type of girl"

"Really now?" I ask, intrigued by this topic. I don't know why, but discussing marriage and name changing with Zoe leaves a warm, cozy feeling in my chest.

10 years ago, I would've thought I had heartburn and I would've requested for some Alka Seltzer or a TUMS or some other over the counter bullshit.

But that was then, this is now. And now I know that that cozy feeling is love. Funny how things change, right?

"So how does Zoe Stevens sound? It has a nice ring to it. No pun intended." She smirks and lays her head on my shoulder as we walk down the corridor leading to the ballroom where the event is taking place.

Thank God, Issac grabbed my shirt and jacket from the room. I have to put it on before I get to the ballroom.

"It sounds beautiful and I can't wait to make it official." I tell her honestly. She looks back up at me with glossy eyes and I can tell that my words are reassuring her of her doubts of my commitment to this union that we will be doing.

But still actions speak louder than words. I still have a lot to do to make her know for sure that I am taking this seriously. Her being my wife isn't just some game or some lie. It's real.

Before entering the ballroom Issac hands me my white button up and my black jacket. I move away from Zoe and begin to redress myself as quickly as possible. Over the years I have learned to NEVER embarrass Zoe or look like trash at her events because she will kill me.