I'm so nervous.

Today is the qualifier for sectionals and I need to place first or second today. There's plenty of girls here and most of them are very talented. I'm warming up looking over to Kate who gives me a wink. She was the only thing keeping me from absolutely losing my mind.

We hadn't changed much, we kept my music and the same order of steps just changed a few of them to slightly more complicated moves and we changed the transitions. I knew he would notice they were different but I was just so excited about the new spins and tricks in my program that I couldn't wait.

"You're going to do great alright? Me and Johnathan are in your corner." She says and I nod giving her a hug.

They'd worked overtime with me this week and we polished up my triple axel. They gasped when I landed it the other night at rehearsal and wanted to know how I'd done it. I told them I just cleared my mind at my morning practice and I'd finally managed to do it.

Kate had submitted my new program with the axel in the long section. I was nervous that if I couldn't land it today everything would be a wash. I was hoping a jump like that would be enough to keep dad from killing me.

We left the short the way it was, figuring he might take it easy on me. I get ready and skate out for the short, moving around the rink before taking my place in the centre of the ice. I can't deviate from my jumps in this so I'll just have to skate with as much feeling as I can.

As I skate I think about Nate and I on the ice the other morning. Him spinning me around and telling me everything would be alright. The text conversations we'd been having most of the nights since then. But they were never as good as hearing his voice.

Before I knew it I'd finished getting a strong round of applause from the crowd and seeing my score. Before I'd even changed anything about my routines my score was much higher than my short two weeks before.

"That's better Sasha, these are the scores I know you can get." Dad says with a straight face. He nods walking me back to remove my skates. I can't remember the last time I'd seen dad smile, he wasn't the smiling type. I usually knew he was happy when he wasn't visibly frowning or yelling.

My last skate is approaching, I'm almost ready to throw-up I'm so anxious. I take a few deep breaths when my phone vibrates.

*Good luck today Sasha, I know you can do it*

The text is from Nate and it helps me forget about everything else. I take a deep breath knowing I can do this. This needs to be done and I know what it will cost me if I don't.

I step out onto the ice and take a deep breath looking at the judges before getting ready. I start my routine ready for the small changes we'd incorporated. I practiced a few of my new things the other morning with Nate so it was easy to think back on the two of us on the ice.

I fall into my layback position then gradually bring my leg to the side, then behind me, then I hyperextend it. Candlestick.

I move through the new routine with fully developed confidence, it was nice to switch it up. Then the dreaded triple axel I get ready spiral around and then remember how it felt when I landed it with Nate this week. I remember the feeling now as I go for it and I can hear the room holding their breath.

I land it skating out of it and I hear a big round of applause follow. The rest of my routine feels all too easy after that. I close out by doing a big spin and raising my arms over my head before stoping in the rink and doing my final pose. I smile feeling excited that I'd really just done a triple axel in a competition.

I do my bows but when I get to one side of the rink I see a familiar face near the back giving me a thumbs up. Nate's here.

I smile bigger and then turn back to the front, Kate and Johnathan look ecstatic, the only person who's upset is dad.

"What was that?" He asks as I step off the ice. "That wasn't our routine Sasha, what do you think you're doing?" He asks and I press my lips together.

"Dad I wanted to change it up the reason I didn't win-"

"The reason you lost at that competition two weeks ago was because you weren't pushing yourself." I shake my head.

"No dad, it was because I don't have the artistic touch other girls have." I say and he huffs.

"We'll discuss this at home, you'll be lucky if you even place." He walks away and I shake it off.

I need to place today it's too important. I wait for the dreaded results and hold my breath, the second place person isn't me, maybe dad was right maybe this was all wrong. Wouldn't it have been better to have a guaranteed second and not an uncertain first?

"Our first place skater today is......Sasha Petrov with a score of one-forty-one point two." I smile and skate forward getting my awards and then smile looking at Kate who seems proud. I'm going to sectionals.

I pack up and hug Kate thanking her for her and Johnathan for their help. Then I have to face the music, dad waits for me and I walk along in silence with him. We get in the car and he sighs.

"How long have you been landing your triple axel?" He asks angrily.

"Since Tuesday." I say quietly.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I wanted to surprise you today at the competition-"

"Oh I was surprised." He says and I lower my eyes. "What if you hadn't landed that Sasha?" He asks harshly. "The reason I do your routines the way I do is because I know they're tricks that will get you the win you need."

"Well I did land it." I mumble and his face turns more angry. "Dad that stuff isn't enough anymore."

"You know nothing, I know what must be done." He tells me and I sigh.

"If you'd just-"

"You will not go behind my back again Sasha, do you understand me?"

"Dad-"

"Do you understand?!" I pull back feeling the tears run over my face. "Stop crying."

The rest of the ride home is silent, when we get there I'm out of the car and walk into the house. Mom's there, waiting in the kitchen.

"What's wrong?" She asks. "Did you lose?"

"No mom, I won." I say feeling myself starting to get choked up.

"She won when she changed my routines!" Dad yells coming in after me.

"Because I needed to!" I blurt out. "I know the reason I'm not doing as well with my scores this season is because I'm not pushing myself. We're playing it safe, we're not switching up my routines and I'm not feeling it anymore. I'm getting hurt because they know I don't feel the music."

"Then feel the music." Dad spits. "I don't understand-"

"Because I don't love the routines anymore! I feel mindless when I skate now, and I needed to change that. Why don't you ask dad what I got today?" I say to mom and she lowers her eyes. "I got a one-forty-one, I don't know how long it's been since I've even seen a score that high!"

"Enough!" Dad yells and I flinch. "There will be no more of this, you will not change your routines again. I pay for your skating, your ballet and your coaches, I can take them away."

I want to say something else but I just can't, not when I can't win with him. Not when he won't hear my side of the story.

"From now on I'll be at all of your practices. And I'll be finding you new coaches." He says and I snap my head up.

"You can't get rid of Johnathan and Kate they had nothing to do with this." I say and he huffs.

"Do you expect me to believe you landed a triple axel by yourself?" I can feel my anger boiling over, years of not saying what I mean or how I feel are starting to stockpile.

"I did!" I snap. "You think I can't hack it because then that means I'm weak, that I need you to succeed! You don't know the things I'm capable of, or how much time I spend pushing myself to get better just to impress you!" He looks shocked that I've even taken the opportunity to defend myself.

"And fine. I won't change your routines again alright? But you can't get rid of Kate and Johnathan I need them!" I say and I can see his rage under the surface but he keeps it cool.

"Fine." He says. "I thought all these years I was making a champion. Turns out I've made a whiny child instead." I turn and walk out of the kitchen without another word going upstairs. I think he likes it better when I answer, because then he can tear me down. I choose not to give him the satisfaction, it's the reason I don't answer when he normally says things to me.

I open my door and make space in my trophy case for my award today. That is the most important win I've ever had, it's the first routine that was my own. The best score I've ever had and I got it because for once, I knew best.

I had a feeling that was really what was bothering him about this. The best win I'd ever had came from me and not him, he wasn't responsible for it.

Dad's too involved in my skating life. He isn't a coach but he treats himself as one. I know the only reason Kate and Johnathan haven't quit is because they are about me. How much longer can I continue to skate in this inauthentic way? How much longer can I cope with the pressure?

I quietly get changed and start to roll out on the floor. I wouldn't let him make me feel bad for this, this was my career and I was going to hold the cards. He was the one who had all of his eggs in the sectionals basket. If I didn't get first or second there, I wouldn't go to nationals. No nationals means no Olympic try-out, which means no Olympics.

If he wanted things to be this way then he could pay for it. When I didn't place high enough in sectionals and didn't move on it would be his fault, not mine.

At the same time it felt wrong not to do something I knew would get me a win. Something that ruined my future. This was all I had, and working hard for two weeks when I knew I wouldn't win hurt.

I felt alone about this, like nobody could help me. Dad was useless, mom was the bystander she always was, Alex and Nik had their own problems, Kate and Johnathan could get fired if I did anything like this again and Micheal seemed like he had all of his own issues to sort out.

There was only one person left, and it was someone I was going to have a hard time coming to again. I pull out my phone and get ready to type something out but my thumb just hovers over the screen.

I hear a faint tapping sound and whip my head around to my window. Seeing someone outside of it and I almost scream, but I stop when I realize who it is.

Nate slides open the window and steps through silently. He looks at me and then smiles seeing my phone in my hands.

"Who are you texting Sash?"