He loves me.

Despite how messed up and confusing I seem to be he still loves me the exact same way that I love him. Now we're laying back in bed, watching the rain hit the windows, hands running over each other.

I was blissfully happy, I never thought I could love anybody. I barely even knew how to be friends with people. I would have crumbled if Nate hadn't shared my feelings, he was so perfect to me. So kind, patient, compassionate.

We've been here for at least an hour in absolute silence aside from some quiet laughter. Neither one of us wanting to be the one to break the peace in the room. We still had yet to get dressed and I'd concluded this was the longest I'd ever spent topless.

Nobody had ever seen me in that little clothing before, part of me then got so self conscious. The other part of me was excited that this was something only he and I had shared together, that it had felt really special. I did trust Nate, a lot in fact and I knew he wouldn't push me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with.

I feel him run his fingers through my now dry hair and she furrows his eyebrows.

"Did you do something to your hair?" He asks and I laugh a bit.

"Kate convinced me to get it cut and highlighted." I tell him and he smiles.

"It's nice Sash, I didn't notice it when your hair was wet." He says quietly. "Did some shopping did you?" He teases looking at the mountain of things Kate got me today and I sigh.

"Indeed." I tell him. "Kate is of the opinion that my clothes don't fit me so she brought me to a whole bunch of different stores to get me things she thought I'd look better in." I laugh and think about Kate forcing me to try on really strange clothes just to see how I looked. "I get where she's coming from though, half the clothes I own came from my brothers."

"Can I see what you got?" He asks and I smile.

"You care what I bought at the store today?" I ask and he nods.

"Just taking an interest, it seems like you had a good day with Kate." He says and I nod standing up off the bed and stretching a bit.

"It was great, Kate's always been really good to me." I tell him and steal Nate's sweater off the floor and pulling it on. "She's been with me for four years, she's good at that whole 'big sister' thing I guess."

"So she was a skater in the past, was she really good?" He asks and I smile.

"She was amazing Nathan." I tell him starting to arrange the bags on the end of the bed. "She had so much raw talent and that whole 'artistic' thing I struggle with, that was why she did so well. She really loved it and had fun on the ice. She was supposed to go the Olympics in two-thousand-ten but tore her ACL before she could ever get there."

"That's awful." He says and I nod.

"I know." I mutter finding the last of my bags on the floor. "She recovered but her doctors told her she'd never skate again, she's fine to go recreationally or just here or there. But her ACL couldn't take the constant training and performing. But it doesn't seem to weigh her down everyday, she's still an amazing person."

"Well that's good." He says and I nod with a smile. "So you shopped, got your hair done, did your nails....did you do anything else?"

"We went for sushi." I tell him with a shrug. "I love sushi, I never feel sick after I eat it."

"Right......Sash that whole 'sick-after-you-eat' thing, is that mainly triggered by eating really greasy or unhealthy food? Or do you feel like that pretty much all the time?" He asks and I stop what I'm doing and think about that for a minute.

"I will say junk food and greasy food are the worst for sure. I always think I want it but I usually can't finish it and then I feel off for a while. If I eat more than just two slices of toast as my first meal of the day I feel sick too......the rest of it's touch and go. It all depends, I usually know what'll make me really ill." He nods along like he's absorbing the information.

"Okay." He says with a shrug. "You know if it really starts to get horrible you can come find me and we'll sort it out together, alright?"

"You're too good to me." I tell him feeling a smile pull at the corners of my mouth. The fact that he cared that much made me smile.

"Alright lay it on me Sash, show me your clothes." He says sitting back against the headboard and I laugh.

"So I found out today that I'm a size zero, occasionally a two." I tell him and he laughs. I show him a few pairs of jeans, other sorts of pants that Kate liked, a few tops and properly fitting sweaters.

"So I got these two skirts." I tell him holding them up. "And Kate got me tights to wear under them incase it's cold......oh I got a dress." I say, snapping my fingers and root around to find it. "I don't own any dresses so that's pretty exciting." I hold up the tight, light blue party dress and he nods.

"That's nice." He says with a devious smile and I laugh. "What's in the pink bag?"

"Underwear." I tell him very nonchalantly and start to put the clothes away in their bags.

"You're not going to show them to me?" He teases and I laugh rolling my eyes.

"If you really want." I say with a laugh, pulling the tissue wrapped pile out of the fancy gift bag. "Ten for thirty sale, can't go wrong there." I tell him with a laugh and hold them up briefly. "Oh and a bra." I say and then shove it all back in the bag.

"Are you going to model them for me?" He asks and I roll my eyes putting the bags on the arm chair on the other side of the room.

"Dream on." I tell him and he laughs.

"Always." He says with a laugh. He reaches out his hand and pulls me back to his side. "That's a nice sweater."

"Why thank you." I say falling back into bed with him. I lay with him for a while, tracing my finger over his chest, drawing patterns in absent minded thought.

"Sash, can I ask you something?" He says quietly and I nod.

"Sure."

"How are you doing?" He asks sliding his fingers into my hair. "Like mental health wise with everything that's going on right now?"

I swallow hard feeling all of my unaddressed feelings and thoughts rushing to the surface. It's something I try not to think about period, it just makes me really upset.

"Well, it's not just from what's going on now. It's been the sixteen years of it that's really hurting me." I say feeling a lump rise in my throat. "Nathan what's really awful is I have no clue if I can fix this, or how I could go about it. I don't know if it's worth it, but I know I need to at the end of the day. I can't stay here forever."

He nods quietly listening to me and I'm so thankful he's just willing to hear me out and let me vent.

"I'd let you." He says and I laugh.

"I know, and I'd like to." I tell him. "But that's not the way to solve this problem."

"You're probably right." He admits and I smile.

"That's the reason I don't like to sleep alone." I confess feeling slightly embarrassed. "My mind just races the whole time and I overthink pretty much everything. Eventually me trying to make a plan just leaves me really frustrated and upset."

"I can help you with it." He says and I feel almost taken aback by his offer.

"That's sweet Nathan, but this is.....a nightmare and it's one I don't want you to be involved in." I say, knowing it could ruin things between us.

"Sasha, when are you going to realize that I want to help you." He tells me, cupping the side of my face. "That doesn't change, we're in this together. It makes me sad that you're upset and worrying all the time. You mean everything to me and I won't be happy until you're happy."

His words are music to my ears, melting away my instincts to deal with everything alone.

"Are you sure?" I ask and he smiles with a nod.

"I'd do anything for you." He says quietly running his fingers through my hair. "You know that." I nod and wrap my arms around him enjoying the comfort I find in laying like this. "Maybe reach out to Alex and Nik, get a really solid perspective on what's going on at home first."

"That's a good idea." I mumble, upset I didn't think of it myself.

"Talk to them and then we'll go from there. I won't let you leave if I don't think you're totally safe." He says and I smile feeling warm from his words. He kept using 'we' and it made my heart soar.

"I love you." I whisper, feeling overwhelmed and he rolls me on top of him and sits up with me.

"I love you, too." He says and I smile as he kisses the space between my eyebrows.

It was so nice to hear those words back. It felt amazing to say them out loud because I knew they were absolutely true. I didn't want anybody else the way I wanted Nate, and to know I had his full support meant so much to me.

His hands sneak up under the sweater and rest on my bare back, sending chills through my body.

"So what changed?" He asks quietly.

"What do you mean what changed?" I ask and he laughs.

"I mean that's the furthest we've gone.....and none of it seemed to scare you." He says sounding almost impressed.

"I don't know....." I admit honestly. "Well, when I was talking with Kate about all of this she just gave me some good advice. Nathan I'm not scared of you, I'm only scared of unknowns. She told me she was scared once too, but at the end of the day she just trusted the person she was with." I whisper holding the sides of his face.

"I trust you, Nathan." I say running my thumbs over his cheekbones. "I'm not saying take off all of my clothes and lets screw but," He laughs a bit at that and I smile too. "I want to work my way up to it."

"Sasha, that was a big deal." He reminds me. "Not just to me, but for you too."

I was a little scared to let him see so much of my body but I just held my breath and ultimately trusted Nate. He was always so capable of making me feel really beautiful, even when I felt anything but.

"No, I know." I say, quietly running my hands over his arms. "She told me that if I felt really off about it to stop and take a step back. But.....it didn't." He smiles at me and I feel my cheeks heat up.

"Good, I'm glad." He says. "I know I've said this a million times but, no matter what, there's absolutely no rush, alright? I'd rather go slow."

"I don't know about slow....." I tell him, knowing how hard it was to stop earlier. "How about Andante?"

"I'm sorry, Andante?" He asks quirking his head to the side and I nod.

"Yes, it's a musical term. Not too fast, not too slow. Andante." I tell him and he laughs.

"Only you Sasha Petrov......" He says and I laugh a bit. "Andante it is." I lean in and kiss him once quickly and he smiles.

"One day we'll go fast." I whisper wrapping my arms around the back of his neck.

"Until then, we'll just do this." He whispers back and I nod.

I had no complaints, the amount of confidence it took to do what I did today, made it feel like I'd already had sex. Eventually everything would fall into place and I knew, it'd be perfect.