"Please welcome Miss Sasha Petrov to the ice for her main program." I hear boom over the loud speaker, and I skate out confidently into the middle of the rink.

I forgot how much I missed this, I loved performing and showing off my technique. It always made all those long, endless nights at the rink feel worth it. I look out into the dark crowd, seeing the lit up rink all around me. 

Kate had gone with me and picked out a wonderful new costume for me to wear. It was pale blue, showed off my back, my legs, my arms. Kate was of the opinion that costumes that hid your arms were like an automatic deduction of points. Judges wanted to see your arms and their positioning. 

My music starts and I instantly feel it, there's a beautiful melody to it now, it's not sad but instead it's uplifting. I start my jumps and my turns seeing a perfect triple Lutz followed by a triple toe. I forgot how much fun it was to do a jump on the ice.

I forgot why I really loved skating at all. I felt beautiful when I skated, poised, mature, strong, confident, the list goes on. I felt unstoppable now, I'd made this routine with Johnathan who was amazing at helping me stand out and push boundaries. Kate polished it, added moments where I could be artistic.

At the end I hear overwhelming applause and I nearly collapse on the ice knowing I'd skated clean. It was a beautiful moment, I watch roses getting tossed out onto the ice and I nearly cry when I see Nate close by holding a full bouquet. 

This was the feeling I craved, an endorphin rush so strong it could knock you off your feet. It was a feeling I only seemed to get through skating, nothing else. I could feel myself smiling knowing I'd just accomplished a life-long dream, I had my Olympic tryout.

Suddenly the universe collapses around me, and I snap my eyes open. It was a dream. I look up seeing my celling and I sit up, straight as an arrow.

"Baby, what is it?" I hear someone mumble and look to see Nate in the bed beside me.

"I know what I need to do." I say and get up out of bed.

"Sash, it's only six a.m. Come back to bed." He groans and I shake my head, running over to my desk and finding a piece of paper. Before I forget I write out as many of the routine steps as I can remember. I then take note of the costume I was wearing and make an awful sketch of it beside my description. 

"There." I say, blowing out a tense breath. "This is it."

"What is it?" He asks sitting up and rubbing his eyes. I take the piece of paper over to him and he stops mid-yawn. 

"I just dreamt this.....crazy dream about Nationals. It was great and I felt so happy, I wrote down the routine I did in my dream." I tell him and he nods.

"And this is your costume?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah." I say. "This is a sign!"

"Wow." He says furrowing his eyebrows. "This is a pretty decent routine." He looks over the sheet sounding impressed and I nod.

"I need to go talk to my dad." I say and walk over getting an outfit out of my closet.

"Is he awake?" He asks and I laugh.

"If I know dad, he's downstairs lifting weights." I tell him, yanking my nightgown over my head.

"So you want to go back." He confirms, he doesn't sound angry or upset about it. He actually sounds hopeful.

"Yeah, it's like this feeling I can't shake. I have to be doing that again, there's nothing else like it." I say pulling on my clothes. "Well aside from you."

He chuckles to himself and I smile, finding a pair of socks. "That's sweet, but we both know nothing gets your heart going better than a figure skating competition."

"That's debatable." I tell him, with a smile quirking at the sides of my mouth. He stands up from the bed in just a pair of boxers and my eyes almost fall out of my head. He walks closer to me and I feel my breath leave my body. He puts his hands on my waist and my hands tingle when they find his chest.

"Is that so?" He asks quietly and I nod. 

I feel heat rise to my cheeks when I think about last night. I felt so lame, he had to remind me that I shared a wall with my brother so doing that might not be the best choice, and I'd embarrassed myself by letting him know I wanted to be with him.

After too much deliberation I was ready to have sex. This was going to be the one thing that I didn't want to overthink. I wanted Nate more than anything else, intimacy and all of its accompanying fears seemed far less daunting when I thought about him.

"Well now that I know just how much I get your heart going....." He teases and I feel heat rise to my cheeks. "I hope you're ready for our date tonight." He says quietly, kissing my forehead. "Unless you're not up for it, which is fine with everything going on-"

"No I still want to go." I say quietly and he nods.

"Then I'll come get you at six." He says and I smile. "I'll peel out while you talk to your dad. I should probably spend some time with mine." I nod and he smiles. "If something goes wrong call me alright?"

"Alright." I whisper and he gives me a quick kiss. Then he's putting his clothes on and getting his things. 

I walk him down to the front door where he kisses me one more time before saying goodbye and leaving. I sigh watching him leave, it was starting to scare me how much time I wanted to spend with him.

I look at the piece of paper I have and take a deep breath, shoving it into my back pocket. I walk to the steps into the basement and sigh hearing grunting and intense music. I start down them and turn the corner seeing dad with an intense look on his face. Immediately he sees me and stops what he's doing.

"Sasha, what are you doing down here?" He asks and I take a deep breath.

"I'm going to accept the nationals offer." I tell him and he smiles a bit.

"You are?" He asks excitedly. "Wonderful, I'll get your coaches set up make sure you're-"

"But, only if the following things happen." I say quietly. 

"Why do you want to fight with me Sasha?" He asks. "I've got everything sorted out."

"Because when we did it your way, I'm not sure who loved me less, me or you." I say and he presses his lips into a thin line. "There was more wrong than right with what you did, now it's my turn or I'm not accepting the offer."

"What is it you want?" He asks angrily.

"Number one, you will not come to my practices unless it is simply to observe. You won't give feedback, you won't coach me, you'll leave me in the hands of Johnathan and Kate. Because the one time they were allowed to really coach me all on my own I had the highest score and won the competition."

"No absolutely not. I pay for them-"

"Exactly, you pay for them. Let them do their jobs, I know that you want me to be like you but Kate and Johnathan are more than capable. Number two, you will make an effort in family therapy and make an active effort to spend time with mom, Alex and Nik. This is really important to me because there are tons of unresolved problems in our family."

"We're fine, we don't need therapy. There's nothing wrong with our family."

"There's a shit ton wrong with our family and the fact that you think that, is alarming." I say and he sighs. "Number three, you won't help coordinate my routines. From here on out you are my parent, not my coach."

"Sasha I've always done this, you won't tell me to just give it up." He says firmly and I shake my head.

"I can and I will dad." I tell him. "You want a skater, I'm a skater. You gave me the discipline and the technique, it's up to me to do what I can with it."

"Why are you trying to push me away?" He asks in a frustrated tone.

"Because quite honestly dad you're the last person I want around while I'm doing this. You create so much unnecessary stress and tension. You don't work with my coaches when they have important points or ideas. You don't let me have a say in anything, I'm overworked and exhausted all the time because you put me into all these stupid extra competitions. You made me quit something that I loved." I tell him feeling tears starting to build up in my eyes.

"Something that I started doing because I know how much you loved it." I tell him and for the first time in years dad looks almost.....upset, sad even. "I spent so much time trying to have your attention and to impress you, but when I got it I wished I never did. I wanted to push myself and get better not just for me, but so you would be proud of me."

"I'm proud of you." He says and I shake my head, feeling a tear trickle over my cheek. 

"I don't believe you." I tell him honestly. "I don't, I was never good enough dad. There was never a day where you looked at me and said 'good job Sasha'."

"Because I needed to keep raising the bar, if you were wonderful every week there would be no reason to improve." He says and I sigh.

"But it wasn't constructive dad, it was destructive. It turned into bullying, it made me hate myself and be mean to everyone around me. I became this closed-off, horrible person." I feel my heart break when I think about how long it took for me to open up to Nate and really believe the things he was saying to me. 

"I don't want to stand here and talk about the past, that's what therapy's for." I tell him bluntly. "You being my coach put a massive strain on our family. It made Alex and Nik hate you, it made mom fear you, I know you don't want to be hated and feared dad. I'm not asking these things for me alone, I'm asking them so you can have the chance to figure yourself out."

"You don't want me to be a part of your training.....at all." He concludes and I nod. He almost sounds upset about it, what did he expect?

"That's correct." I tell him, crossing my arms.

"And you would give up this opportunity because I refuse to let you train without me?" He asks and I nod again.

"Exactly." I say and he sighs. "My love for figure skating will not exceed my love for myself and my well-being. It was like that for over ten years and it ends now. I won't do it if I can't be happy."

"What if I agree to be less aggressive?" He asks and I shake my head.

"We're so past that point dad. I can't expect you to change that fast, it's not reasonable." I tell him. "I just want to do this, my way, with my coaches, like every other damn figure skater on the planet." 

He seems like he wants to say something else but he stops himself and sighs. It's almost visible thinking, like I can see the wheels turning in his head.

"I don't want you to have a roll in my figure skating anymore, I don't want you to contact Kate or Johnathan unless it's a question about the competition itself or my well being. The only roll I want you to have in my life is to be my father." I plead. "That's it."

"Sasha-"

"Yes or no?" I ask and he sighs. "Otherwise I'm not doing it, I'll lose the opportunity and I'll never skate in the Olympics. Just trust me, if all of the work and the practicing that we did was as good as you say, than this should be a walk in the park. I've got enough stress as is and I don't need you adding more, if we make progress I might change my mind. But as of now, I don't want you involved."

"O moya doch." He mumbles under his breath. 'Oh my daughter' was something he said often to me in Russian, usually in a disgusted way. Now how ever it almost sounded apologetic. "This is what you want?"

"This is what I want." I tell him honestly.

"Please don't give up that offer, it's everything you've worked for." He says and walks back to his weights. "I'll get you back on schedule with your teachers and trainers." He says more quietly and picks up his weights again. "It's time this family had a figure skating champion." The way he says that almost sounds frustrated and angry.

"I'm sorry things have to be this way." I tell him and turn to go back upstairs.

"Yes fine, go accept your offer." He says curtly and I walk up the stairs.

I didn't feel like I would, like I'd won or gotten what I wanted. I felt mildly guilty, I know somewhere in the back of dad's twisted head, he loved doing this with me. I'd just broken his heart.

It's too bad he broke mine first.