You know what's funny?

My luck. My life. Myself.

I'm a whole fucking joke. I'm the best fucking comedian of the century!

I'm a whole ass puppet being played around to entertain an audience by a puppeteer. In the crowd were the same merry rogues and my family, clapping and smiling.

And there was the younger me: standing on the stage, being used and played around like some toy, wondering if I was able to make them laugh.

Now, I laugh to myself, realizing I haven't change since.

The me now was still hopeless and vulnerable. I still wonder if I was enough—if my family would ever search for me and take me back.

And I ask myself—even when my own brother shot me with Wolfsbane that didn't show its effects until now—,"Do they still love me?"

Since my luck is incredible, I didn't even have to waste my energy and time searching for Ian like I planned to just so that I could give Theo the answers he wanted.

I had the answers in the very palms of my hand.

If only Theo had waited one more day.

Because the same burning and uncontrollable sensation the day after Theo left told me the answer to my question.

I wake up to the familiar burn igniting in me—the same burn that those vile rogues had given my wolf and I. It was the exact replicate pain that Aconitum, better known as Wolfsbane, had given me before I escaped and turned into a Lone Wolf.

My skin was red-hot to the touch, but I shiver uncontrollably as a cold sensation travels up my spine and all over my body. My throat felt drier than ever and I scratch at in hopes of driving the pain away.

But that wasn't the awful thing about it.

The poison was making me lose control, forcing my wild wolf to the surface.

I don't let her.

I can't.

Even when the poison was gnawing at me to let her out. Even when it sent an aching pain to my head and made it throb awfully.

Because if I did, then I'd be dancing among a pile of dead wolves.

The poison was making me feel uncontrolled. My mind was in a pool of frantic thoughts and manic desires. I was in such a state of disorder and I was fighting myself to keep my wolf in.

So I laugh dryly to myself, not believing that I'd let myself be used and attacked by my family and those rogues again.

I was stupid for not having any suspicions when Ian shot me with that arrow in a way that it didn't kill me.

He just wanted to feed me poison once again.

Why?

I curl myself into a fetus position, clutching the blanket to ease the coldness that bit at me. My body on the other hand, sweated from the heat that somehow clung itself unto my skin.

Tears start forming on my eyes when a wave of loneliness hit me. I felt unwanted. I let the tears drop and fall down my cheeks. A sob escapes my lips when I taste the saltiness of my tears.

Crybaby.

I didn't know what time it was but I couldn't care less. The Wolfsbane making its way to my system distracted me from my hunger since this morning.

All I wanted was pasta and dessert, goddammit.

I cocoon myself further into the blanket, nesting my body and snuggle my pillow.

And then I continue to cry until I was sobbing loudly and gasping for air at the same time. Realizing that my volume was starting to become head-splitting, I nuzzle my face into my pillow to muffle my sobs.

"I want Theo," I croak out.

When I hear the raspiness in my voice, another pang of distress hits me and I let out a heart-wrenching weep.

Another realization dawns on me: Theo wouldn't come running back to me because there was no way he would feel my torturous pain.

He had completely cut all off communication, leaving Felix in charge. And since my wolf was fucked up, the mate bond didn't apply to her like it did to me. And I needed her to connect my emotions to Theo's wolf.

"Fuck my luck!" I shout in frustration. The sound was muffled by my pillow and only to be heard by myself.

___

The next day was better than the day before.

It could only mean bad news.

I knew what it was: the calm before the storm.

Tomorrow would eat me away and kill me inside. I told myself that it'll soon end and all I have to do is make sure my wolf doesn't reach the surface.

Easy.

I stare at my nightstand, locked in the same position I've been since yesterday. My eyes felt swollen from all the crying and my throat was dying for water. But I couldn't find the energy to get off the bed because every movement felt like I would lose control.

I wince when another aching pain hits me.

I close my eyes, hoping that I would fall asleep and avoid the pain. I was tired, but my body somehow forced itself to stay awake.

A knock on my door disrupts me from my thinking. I furrow my brows, already forgetting that people existed.

I clear my throat, crossing my fingers that my voice wouldn't break. Then, I shout, "Yes?!"

"Are you okay?" I hear Felix's voice from the other side of the door.

No.

"Yeah, sure!" I shout back.

There was a short silence before he speaks again, "Are you really?"

"Of course!" I lie.

"Okay...," I hear him drawl out as if he wasn't digging my lie.

I want to be alone. I want to be alone.

I don't reply and I heighten my senses for any sounds of footsteps. When I hear his slow footsteps fade away after an agonizing second, I release a shaky breath.

Then, I close my eyes, devoid of any thoughts because right now, all I could think about was the tormenting pain.

___

I was right.

Today was the fucking worst.

I wake up in the middle of the night, my head throbbing more painfully than ever. I let myself fall off the bed with my blanket still covered around me.

I clutch my head in turmoil and clench my jaw to stop a scream of agony.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I rant to myself.

I struggled to breath and I took in deep intakes of air.

It took all the energy in me not to bang my head on the wall and knock myself out.

So instead of self-harming, I resort to destroying my whole room. I grab an expensive vase off the nightstand and throw it across the room, hoping that the loud shatter wasn't heard by others.

My hand trembles as they reach out for an empty glass, still not satisfied.

But I stop myself from doing so. Because if I don't stop now, I fear that that I wouldn't be able to stop until this room couldn't even be called a room anymore.

So I hug my knees and rock myself in silence the same way Cara did.

___

I open my eyes and blink again when I lose vision for a terrifying second. My wolf was trying to push me to the very back of my mind and lock me up.

And it scared me.

I didn't want to lose myself.

I clutch the end of my bed when I feel the fire inside me growing more and more rowdy. I wanted to throw something—to destroy and to kill.

Everything seemed to annoy me. The painting of the wall irritated me, the bed that I used to love so much made me mad, and even the eerie silence made me displeased.

I hear a chirp from outside my window and I whip my head, glaring at the loud ass fucking bird.

I dig my nails into the sheets to stop myself from jumping out the window just to murder a fucking bird.

The image of it almost made me cry.

If anyone or anything makes one more fucking sound—

"Alex?" Giovanni's voice calls out. I shut my mouth closed and keep myself from blowing up. "Earth to Alex?"

"What?" I seethe.

"Celestina wanted me to tell you that she deeply misses seeing you at training," he drawls out sarcastically.

Sarcasm isn't exactly my thing at the moment.

I take a deep breath to suppress a growl before replying, "So?"

Right now, I didn't give a fuck about sounding rude or not.

I just wanted to be left alone.

Giovanni pauses, as if taken aback. He waits for a long second before talking again, "Fine. That's not the reason I came here. You haven't left your room once since Theo left and I'm pretty sure you're starving to death. Everyone's concerned about you, you hear me? Hell, even I am! So I suggest you leave your room right this fucking moment because the idea of me being worried is disgus—."

"Gio!" A cheerful voice disrupts him. I huff in annoyance when I realize it was Emilio.

"Took you long enough," I hear Giovanni grumble.

"The best always requires the most amount of time."

I bite back a growl and pull on my hair when another wave of shooting pain strikes me. I breathe heavily when my breathing becomes uncontrolled one again.

"Open the door, Alex," Emilio sings. "I brought your depressed ass some food."

Usually, his never-ending gleeful personality made me smile, but right now, his happiness annoyed me.

I pat my head in an attempt to fix my hair and for the first time, I move my limbs to open the door.

I keep my head down low and snatch the plate from Emilio's hands.

"Wow," I hear him breath out. "Thanks for the act of gratitude, Alex. I'm feeling really appreciated."

"You're welcome!" I shout back.

Just shut the fuck up.

"We'll wait here. Just hand us your plate when you finish eating."

I don't reply and quickly eat he spaghetti. My stomach rumbles in content.

After a few bites, however, a striking pain pounds at my bead and I drop the fork to the ground. Bile forms in the back of my throat and I stop myself from throwing up my stomach's contents.

A force tugs at me to lose control and ravage this place like strings on a puppet.

I hold back a snarl and recompose myself. Opening the door swiftly, I slide the tray towards Emilio.

"Well that was fast—," he mutters before I slam the door right in front of his face.

I return to my blankets and wrap myself inside it once again. When I realize that it wasn't working anymore, I prance back and fort, waiting for Emilio and Giovanni to leave.

My hands craved to tear down this room and leave it in a wreck.

The sound of footsteps leaving never reached my ears, however.

"There's something wrong," I hear Emilio tell Giovanni in a hushed voice.

"No way, Captain Obvious."

"No, I'm serious," Emilio inform him firmly.

"What is it?" Giovanni questions after registering the urgency in his voice.

"Normal Alex would have stolen the diamond bracelet I left on her tray."

I hold back a breath and halt all my movements. A strange silence also fills in the air and no one dares to speak.

That was until Giovanni kicks the door open and I finally lose my temper.

"Your eyes," Emilio breathes out as my wolf's bloodshot, red eyes surfaces.

I lunge towards him, not being able to stop myself from ripping his throat.

But before I could, Giovanni slams me to a wall and holds me back with an arm.

"Get me a rope—anything! I don't give a flying fuck! And get Felix and Talia here! QUICK!" He commands.

Emilio doesn't waste a single second.

Then, my mind goes black and all I could recognize was the uncontrollable hunger for blood growing inside of me.

God, I'm worse than a motherfucking vampire.

I growl and bite Giovanni's arm, who refused to stand back down. And I continue to do so, my wolf feeling satisfied at the gruesome marks her canines left.

When I grasped the fact that Giovanni didn't seem fazed by this, I kick him where the sun don't shine.

He groans and loosens his hold on me enough for me to break lose. He realizes his mistake too slow and I shove him out of my way.

I rush past him with undeniable speed and I let his shouts calling back for me become muted.

I grasp the walls while I run to God knows where I'm going, my head throbbing as my wolf claws at me for a release.

And before the pain drives me insane and make me fall the floor, I let a part of her gain control. She doesn't fight for more control with the knowledge that I had the same goal as her.

The pain stops and all I'm left with is a powerful craving for chaos and annihilation.

We both craved blood.

Ian's blood.

___

A/n Half-assed this. I'll edit and fix it when I wake up 💅