I know what I'm doing takes the number one slot on the list of the dumbest things I've ever done, but I can't help myself. Snooping on Colton has gotten him so mad at me this past week but he shouldn't be so damn secretive. Maybe if he would open up a little more, I wouldn't have this urge to find out what he's up to. I've never been this curious before about what someone is doing, not even my birth parents, but that is a whole other can of worms I don't feel like opening.

I'm a few cars behind Colton when we reach a red light. I'm able to stay far away without losing them because with my windows down, I can hear them. Luckily it's not supposed to rain until later, but it is really cold, so I wrap my scarf a little closer to my neck.

I follow them for about a half hour and I'm considering turning around and going home, but then they turn into a small neighborhood. No other cars turn onto the small street so I have no one to hide behind. I pull onto the street and stop in front of the first house I see. I wait about 30 seconds before following them again. I can hear them getting further and further so that's my cue to go.

The noise of their vehicles guides me through the small neighborhood with a surprising amount of turns. The houses are all one story and seem not so nice. A lot of them could use a paint job and their grass cut. I can no longer hear the sound of Colton's bike so that must mean they stopped.

I continue down the street I'm on and soon enough, I see Colton's motorcycle and the black car. At first I assume they're in the house they parked in front of, but then I notice there's a party going on a few houses down. A party on a Friday afternoon? It is a pretty gloomy, dark day so the sun isn't really out, but still. I drive past the house to see if I can see Colton but all I see are people in the front lawn with red plastic cups, none of them being him.

The garage of the house is open and filled with people too and through the windows I see more people. This is a big party for an afternoon. I park my car in the first spot I see which is about five houses down because the street is packed.

Even though I found out where he is, I still want see him. I don't know what for, I just want to. I get out of my car and start towards the house. I know this is a bad idea, why am I doing it. He doesn't even like me, why am I following him?

As I approach the house I realize I have no idea who these people are, I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb. Or maybe it's a good thing, they don't know that I'm a so called freak. I get to the house and right away a few guys in the front smile at me. They don't look much older than I am, so it gives me enough confidence to walk into the house and find Colton. The door in the garage leading into the house is open so I decide to go in through there.

There's a few people smoking on a couch in the garage and they offer me some. I politely decline and make my way inside. There's a line of couples making out in the narrow, badly lit hallway and I almost gag at the sound of their smacking lips.

I navigate my way through the hallway and and reach what I believe is the living room. I immediately hide behind a wall when I spot Colton. I peek my head and see him sitting on a couch, with a girl on his lap. She's straddled on top of him, kissing his neck and I feel everything in my body deflate. He doesn't seem so into it since he keeps taking sips of his cup every few seconds.

I can't even see the girls face to see if she's prettier than me. I don't know what'll hurt more, though: Colton choosing an uglier girl or someone who's prettier. On one hand I'd think 'Why can't that be me?' And on the other I'd think 'Why aren't I good enough?'

Both seem pretty shitty if you ask me so there's no point in staying at this party any longer. Just as I'm about to leave, somebody bumps into me. I look up to see who it is and my eyes are met with the ones of one of the guys who smiled at me outside.

"Hey, do I know you?" he asks. His blue eyes are looking down into mine and his attractiveness is quite overwhelming. He has a curious innocent smile spread across his face and his dirty blonde hair is spiked up.

I let out a nervous laugh and say, "No, I don't think so."

"Well you look really familiar, why don't I get you a drink," he says, about to step away.

"No I was just leaving," I say, touching his arm.

"Give me ten seconds," he says, holding his hand up telling me to wait. He flashes his innocent smile again and I agree to wait. As I wait against the wall in the hallway I look into the living room to see Colton again. Now the girl's lips had made her way to Colton's. Now there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that we could never be more than friends. I would never be the type of girl to climb onto a guys lap at a crowded party and start making out. It just looks sloppy. I didn't know Colton was into sloppy.

"Here you go," the boy says, extremely close to my ear. I spin around and he hands me my drink.

As I'm about to take a sip, I stop and ask, "You didn't spike this did you?" My mom has taught me how to be safe at a party even though there was a slim chance of me ever being invited to one.

He laughs and grabs the cup from my hand. He takes a gulp and gargles it in his mouth, proving he did take a drink. He raises both his brows at me and I smile taking the cup back to take a drink myself. The only alcohol I've ever drank before has been wine at Christmas dinner with the family and it was only a sip. This beer doesn't taste all that great but I can handle it.

"I'm Ethan," he says, holding out his hand.

I take it and say, "Camryn."

"Unisex. I like it," he responds. I laugh and he smiles another wide smile. This is so weird, I think it's flirting. This is fun, it sucks I've never experienced this at my school. "So what brings you here, Camryn?" he asks. Once again, it's nice to hear my name coming from such a handsome person, but it sounds not nearly as sweet as the way Colton says it. The image of the girl on his lap appears in my head and I blink it away.

"I, uh, heard about a party and thought why not," I tell him. He smiles and puts his hand on the wall behind me, closing a little of the space between us.

"Well I'm glad you made it," he says. He looks from my eyes to my lips and back to my eyes again. He leans forward and I take a small step back against the wall.

"Um, what are you doing?" I ask, surprised at how forward he's being.

"Oh c'mon, just relax." He leans in again, going for my neck this time.

"No," I try to say as sternly as I can, but my voice cracks. I've never been in a situation like this and I'm panicking. I press my hands against his shoulders but he's too strong. "Get off of me!" I say louder this time. I can't believe none of these other disgusting couples aren't paying attention. They're too busy trying to swallow each other, they don't notice me struggling.

I try to push harder, but he grabs my hands and crushes his lips to mine. I keep my lips pressed together, not allowing his tongue to snake it's way in. I struggle to get my hands free and all I hear next to me is someone say, "What the fuck?" Before I know it, Ethan is pulled off of me and I'm free. Before I can even pull myself together, Colton is on top of Ethan, punching him square in the face.

Ethan's face is completely covered in blood within the first few hits. The only fights I've ever seen have been at school, but none of them were like this. I'm frozen until I hear someone actually yell "FIGHT!" It came from the girl who was on top of Colton. I could tell by her blonde curly hair. Ugh, I am so prettier than her. What the fuck, Camryn focus!

"Colton!" I scream, "You're going to kill him!" I don't dare to try and reach for him to stop. When boys are fighting, all they see is red, so without meaning it, they can accidentally hurt you.

Colton doesn't stop, and I'm terrified. No one who's watching is trying to stop it until they guy with the black car comes. He grabs Colton by the shoulders and pulls him off. "Let me go!" he yells, throwing his elbow back out of anger. It hits the guy in the face, and that is why girls shouldn't try to break up a fight. Ethan stays in the floor coughing up a quart of blood.

The blonde tries to grab Colton's arm but he jerks it away. He looks to me and he is pissed, I'm actually a little scared. He grabs my wrist and pulls me through the house to get outside. Once we reach the front lawn, he turns to face me.

"Did he hurt you?" He asks, his eyes still cold. I'm too nervous to speak, so I just shake my head. His expression goes hard and makes me more nervous. "What the fuck are you doing here?!" he yells this time and I flinch. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing here. My reason of just wanting to see him is too pathetic to admit. I could lie and tell him what I told Ethan, that I heard about a party, but he'd never believe it.

"I... I," I stutter. Looks like I'm not that good at thinking on my feet.

"You, you what? I thought I told you to never follow me! And I thought you said you were done fucking spying on me!" he screams.

"I'm so sorry, I..."

"Just go," he says, his tone much lower. He's pinching the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. I want to say something else, but I just don't know what. I take a step towards him, but regret it, turning away to walk to my car.

I screwed up again this time. It's my fault. Why did I come here? When I finally reach my car, I slam the door shut. "DAMMIT!" I yell. I punch the steering wheel out of anger, but regret it instantly, "Ow!" I am just making stupid decisions left and right.

I need to apologize to Colton, just not right now. I don't even know what I'm going to say, I just need him to hear me out. I know what I did was incredibly stupid and I wish I never did it, but it happened and I can't take it back. It feels as if he's always mad at me, but I'm always doing something to make him mad. It's all me.

Getting out of this damn neighborhood is a struggle, but I get it soon enough. The drive home seems a lot shorter than the drive there, but isn't that always the case. When I do finally get home it's already 5:30. My parents both started work late so they won't be home until around ten o'clock. I drag myself up to my room because recent events have made me exhausted.

I fall onto my bed and am immediately consumed by Colton's scent. It's hard to believe less than twelve hours ago he was here sleeping. Why am I such an idiot? I shut my eyes and hopefully a nap will take away my guilt for a little while.

***

"Cam, Camryn wake up," someone whispers in my ear. I open my eyes buts it's dark, but the light coming from the hallway allows my eyes to adjust quicker. I look up to see who's hovering over me and it's my mom. "I'm home, are going to stay asleep?" I think about her question and decide I'm too awake now to fall back asleep.

"No, I think I'm going to stay up," I tell her. Memories of what took place this afternoon fill my head and I'm sad again. "Where's dad?" I ask.

"He's in the room, were going to get to bed, it's late," she responds. I grab my phone from my nightstand and check the time. 10:45. That's late for my parents on a Friday. "Don't be too loud, okay?"

"Alright," I yawn. As soon as she closes my door I jerk my curtain back and look out the window. I don't think Colton's home yet. Good, that gives time to think over an apology to deliver to him when he does show up. I walk into my bathroom to make sure I don't look like I just woke up.

My hair is a mess and a little mascara has smudged under my eyes. After I fix both problems I go back to my bed and turn on my tv. During my fourth rerun of The Big Bang Theory, I debate on whether or not I should just change into my pajamas and wait until the morning to apologize. Then I hear a loud disturbing noise. Colton's motorcycle. It's still faint so it gives me time to meet him in the driveway.

I quickly shut off my tv and tiptoe to the stairs. If my parents wake up, my whole plan is ruined. Luckily their door is shut and my dad snores loud enough to help me relax. Once I'm at the bottom of the stairs, the front door is a whole other issue. I slowly turn the knob and the door slightly creeks. I pull it open just enough for me to slip out. I slowly close it behind me and I'm free.

I can still hear Colton's motorcycle around the neighborhood, but I don't see him. Maybe it was someone else. Maybe I should just go back inside and forget about this entire day. I can't do that though, I need him to know that I'm sorry. Just when I decide that I'm waiting for him, he finally pulls up in to his driveway. Okay this is it.

I cross my lawn and onto his to meet him in the driveway. He doesn't notice me as he pulls off his helmet and drops it on the floor.

"Fuuuuuck," he mumbles as he bends over to pick it up. He almost falls over but he uses his bike to regain his balance.

"Colton," I say and his head shoots up.

"I forgot which house was mine," says, his eyes look glossy. "What are you doing here?" he asks and the smell of liquor floats between us.

"I came to apologize. Colton are you drunk?" I ask sternly.

"Maybe," he laughs a little, almost falling over again. This time I step up to help him stand up straight.

"Are you crazy?" I ask.

"What?" he slurs.

"You're completely shitfaced and you going around riding that thing!" I growl. "How could you be so careless?" Drunk driving is an issue that I take very seriously. My parents use to do it with me in the car and all I remember is being in the backseat, scared that something will happen. Luckily nothing ever did, but that's not the case for everyone. The thing that got my parents to stop doing it was the death of my aunt. She wasn't even the one who was drinking. She was my favorite aunt.

"Careless?" Colton repeats, no sign of his stupid drunken smile anywhere.

"Yes careless. Don't you care about yourself? Your family? Your future? Innocent people that could've been killed?!" My intention tonight was not to lecture someone on the dangers of drunk driving, but I can't just let this slide.

"Was anyone hurt? No. And as for the other shit, I couldn't care less! Not everyone has their perfect family with a shit ton of money to send their perfect child to college to have a future like you do!" he spits. His words feel like a punch to the gut. Is that really how he thinks of me?

"I don't know what you think but I don't have any of that shit! My family is nice but far from perfect. And as for the money my last five paychecks went to helping pay the bills. And as for college, every time I think about it, it drives me crazy and makes me want to scream! So be fucking careful who you call perfect!" I'm venting. I have no one to tell what I truly think about my life and it's nice to finally get it off my chest. It makes me feel better that he's drunk so he won't remember anything I'm telling him in the morning. This makes my apology seem pretty pointless now.

"At least you have people who care about you!" he screams back. I can see some lights flick on in a house across the street, but I don't care. "All I have is a piece of shit father and a fucking mother who left me!" I flinch at the way he speaks of his dead mother. "I have no one else, tell me Camryn, WHO THE FUCK DO I HAVE?!"

"ME!" I shout back. His mouth shuts and he looks me over with his glossy eyes. "Colton I like to consider us friends," I say much quieter. "I don't have very many of those so I would surely care if you got hurt," I say, stepping towards him, but he takes a step back.

"We're not friends," he says coldly, "you're just the school's freak that I felt sorry for." His sentence nearly knocks the wind out of me. He could've punched me directly in the face, and it would still hurt less than his words.

Colton shuts his eyes and brings his hands to his face, "Shit Camryn, I didn't mean that," he says. It was a perfectly clear sentence. It wasn't slurred, he didn't stutter. It was true.

I can feel my eyes start to water and I turn around to walk away, but Colton grabs my wrist, "Camryn," he says again. I jerk my hand away and walk to my door, trying not to cry. At this point, I don't care if my parents wake up, I shut the door carelessly.

I can't cry. I haven't cried over this shit in years and I don't want to start now. He's just another stupid boy. I can't allow myself to cry. I shut my eyes and I can feel a single tear slide down my cheek. That is the only tear I'll ever shed for that jerk.