I felt myself being moved. Carried, actually. I was gently placed down on something soft, but uncomfortable.

How did I end up here? I was in the kitchen, throwing dishes at someone.

At Ryder.

My eyes fluttered open and I noticed the lamps were on.

I saw the blue eyes looking straight at me. I gasped as I sat up, moving to the corner of the couch.

"Ryder?" I whispered. This can't be real. "I thought you were dead."

Ryder just smiled at me. "No. I'm not dead. But that might explain you fainting. I've never seen you faint."

I didn't care that he was teasing me, or the ridiculous grin on his face. I pushed myself off the couch and into his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck, hugging him.

"I thought you were dead." I repeated. "No one would tell me about you. Then all the legal paper work..." I rubbed my head. "I don't understand."

I pulled away from Ryder and looked at him.

"You got shot!" I remembered as I ripped his shirt off. Ryder chuckled as I did the action, my hand moving to his new scar on the right side of his chest.

"Yes I did. But I'm fine now. I am." He reassured me, holding my hand that was flat on his chest.

I felt more tears form and run down my cheeks. "But..."

"I was transferred to a different hospital. I didn't want Gabriel to tell you because I wanted you to get better instead of stressing." Ryder placed his hand on my cheek using his thumb to rub away the tears on one side.

"But I believed you were dead!" Came the all too familiar words. "If Gabriel knew you were alive, why did she give me that envelope? With your will in it?"

Ryder frowned but kept his hand on my cheek as I covered it with my hand. "I don't know."

I searched in his eyes, trying to find an answer, but I already had one forming on my lips. "I don't care." I whispered as I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around him again and kissed him.

Bittersweet kisses, salty from tears, yet possessive and attentive. Mine. I felt myself going backwards, gently and slowly, as Ryder climbed on top of me, laying me down on the couch, his lips not leaving mine.

His hands wondered over my body as I held him closer to me, not wanting to let him go.

"Where's Rowan?" He mumbled against my lips.

"In the main bedroom." I answered as I kissed him again.

Ryder pulled apart from me, standing as he took my hand, pulling me up. I didn't pull away, I accepted it as I gasped then squealed out a small laugh as Ryder picked me up, carried me to a bedroom.

Love. Not sex. That's what we did all night, well, the remainder of what was left of the night. The kissing and touching, the passion between us. I allowed it to consume me once again as I felt my hands being pinned down, teeth scraping my skin, my toes curling.

****

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you." I whispered out, my head on Ryder's chest as his hand moved slowly up and down my back.

"You were being a mother. You're the one that told me that to be a parent, you have to be selfless, do for your child before yourself."

I smiled.

"You were brave. I thought I lost you for a while."

"Me too." I answered. I let the next couple minutes pass in silence before sighing and sitting up, draping a blanket to my bare chest and looking at Ryder. "Have you spoken to your parents?" I asked curiously.

"I have." Ryder gritted out.

"And...?"

"I've always known I was adopted if that's what you're wondering about."

I raised my eyebrows, but made no attempt to move.

"My parents told me years ago, but not Vincent. They knew I could handle it, not him. They were right. They feel so bad about what he put you through though."

I was surprised.

"I'll explain it all later. I just want to do this." Ryder told me in a soft voice. We were silent a bit longer before I spoke.

"Do you remember those dreams I use to have?"

I felt Ryder stiffen. "About your mother?"

"Yeah..."

Ryder held me tightly to him. "You have nothing to worry about. You know that."

"They are getting worse." I whispered to him.

Ryder sighed as he kissed my head. "You are safe from all that. It happened years ago. What started you to dream about her again?"

"When I was at work the other week, I saw the fortune teller there. She reckons my body was trying to prepare me for the pain and suffering I was about to endure."

Ryder stayed quiet.

"That, I did." I whispered again in to Ryder.

"I'll never leave you, Rhea. Well, not voluntarily." Ryder let out a small chuckle and I felt the guilt gnaw at me.

"Actually." I started. "It made me think."

Ryder rolled on to his side to look at me, propping his head on to his hand. "About what?"

"Us." I admitted. The room was visible and the sun was just starting to rise. Twilight hours, it can be so magical, yet devastating. "I still love you, Ryder, with all my heart. Going through all that, it made me realise that. I thought you were gone and I would never get to say that to you again. But here you are." I gave out a half smile. "I love you."

"I love you too," Ryder replied, a small smile on his face. "But there is a but, isn't there?"

I slowly nodded. "Unfortunately, yes."

"Why though? Why does there need to be one?"

I felt like I was losing my courage. I took Ryder's hand and held it. "I just need time. I spent a week thinking you were dead. You nearly were. I could take the selfish path and stay holed up here with you, but I can't. Rowan needs his father in his life and I was selfish, keeping you two apart, I see that now. It wasn't one of my best decisions. But, I need time, Ryder."

Ryder placed his hand on my cheek and I turned and kissed it, fresh tears in my eyes.

"Okay. I'll give you time. But on one condition."

I dragged my eyes back to Ryder's and nodded.

"Take the beach house."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "The beach house?"

"Yes. Move in there. Away from everything bad that's happened."

"Are you sure?" I asked in uncertainty.

"Yes. Rowan needs somewhere that has good memories. So do you." He leaned forward and gently kissed me.

The room was bathed in golden light as the sun shone through. I agreed to his condition, smiling at him. Any notion of sleep had disappeared last night and I didn't feel an ounce of regret in me.

Ryder gave me another soft kiss. "I'm going to see our son." He said to me softly before getting up. "I'll wake the kid up if I have to." He lowly muttered, making me grin. I stayed on the bed, naked and wrapped up in the sheet, checking him out one last time as Ryder got up and put on some pants before leaving the room.

I know I had hurt him again. That's why I held his hand. I needed to know that it just wasn't lust he was feeling for me. I needed to hurt him to prove to myself that what he felt was as real as what I felt.

****

It's been a couple days since my release from hospital, Rowan was with Ryder since he no longer had a day care to go to and I was tying up loose ends.

Gabriel was at her parents, visiting before coming back for a while.

I had sent an email to Jan, forewarning her of my actions and today is the day I will be doing them.

I checked myself over one more time. My bootleg jeans and a loose laced and sheer blouse, my hair messily pinned back off my face, my battle wounds now gone, a tiny scar on my cheek, but other than that, I was good to go.

It was my nerves that was holding me back. Seeing everyone again. I took a deep breathe as I reached the doors and stepped in.

Everyone turned to me as I froze. Sasha came up to me and hugged me. "I'm so glad to see you're okay." She said to me. I was slightly confused, I only saw her a couple days ago. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." I told her. "I need to move on." I smiled at everyone else as they gave me smiles back.

"You're so brave." I heard someone say.

"You're a real local hero." Another said.

I just kept smiling as I walked in to my office with Sasha. "It's going to be so different without you around." Sasha told me.

"Hey. Just because I'm not working here any more doesn't mean we won't see each other." I told her. I heard a knock on the door and looked up to see Jan enter.

"There's the local hero." She smiled.

"I'm not a hero." I told her. "I just did what any mother in my position would."

"Henceforth, a hero." Jan beamed. "But are you sure about leaving? I can give you stress leave?"

I shook my head as I placed a box on my desk. "I'm sure. After everything I went through, I want to spend more time with my son." Jan nodded and so did Sasha.

"Don't forget to say goodbye when you leave." Sasha told me before exiting the small office. I smiled and nodded as I started placing my personal belongings in to the box.

"I'm sorry Jan. But I need this."

"What about your studies?" She asked me.

"I spent the last three days cramming them in, I contacted the university I signed up through and spoke to the head. They are giving me an extra month, but I think I'm nearly done. I even have a rough on my final paper." I told her as I placed in the CD player.

"You are always welcome back here if you ever wanted to return."

I looked up at Jan. "That's sweet. Thank you." But it's unneeded.

"Let me know when you leave." She told me as I sat on the familiar chair, opening a drawer.

"I will."

I was left alone for a while as I went through what I had left. The letters were piled up, and I had seen the past couple weeks additions of the magazine, stating there will be no advice column till further notice. It gave me an idea when I saw it and I penned up something for Jan, like a goodbye to my readers.

I sighed as I looked around. This had been my life for over three years. Like a second family. I'm going to miss the place.

I left my office and said farewell to everyone, before going to Jan's office. I knocked on the door and left my box of crap there as I opened it up and stepped in.

"Hey Jan, I'm heading...." I looked at the second person in the room. "Luke." I breathed out. Luke came to me and hugged me. I could feel his concern.

"How are you? I heard what happened. How is your son?" He bombarded me with questions.

I gave out a nervous laugh. "Yeah." Was all I could think off.

Luke stood back, a bit confused.

"I mean, I'm fine. Rowan's fine. Everyone is fine." This felt awkward.

"I didn't know I was caught up in the middle of some conspiracy."

I laughed again. "I didn't either."

"I'm glad to see you're okay. But Jan said you're leaving."

I blinked several times. "Yeah. As much as I loved this job, my priorities should be for my son." I nodded as I gave Jan the paper I was holding onto. "Jan, I was wondering, can you run that through in the advice column."

Jan took the paper and slipped her own glasses on. I saw her eyes read each line before placing it down, taking her glasses off and looking up at me from her chair. "Of course." She said softly.

I gave them a smile and left, picking up my box of belongings and leaving. I gave Sasha another hug before I officially left, walking out off the building with a new purpose in life.

****

I held Rowan's hand as we watched from the large windows, the planes coming and going. I pointed out to Rowan the large plane Ryder was on as it took off. My heart felt heavy, it all felt wrong.

But like I said, I needed time and Ryder is giving it to me. Ryder always gave me what I wanted, whether he wanted to or not.

He knows me so well, but that was the married me, not the mum me.

Now he is gone, sorting out his international companies. I took Rowan's hand and we left the airport. I was wrong. I don't want time. I want him. But Ryder won't be back for a few months. He didn't have to be gone for so long, but he insisted.

I knew as I watched the plane leave, this decision of mine was wrong.

I took Rowan to the car, Ryder's car and buckled him in to his seat. "Daddy?" He asked me. "Where's daddy?"

I gave him a sad smile. "Daddy has gone to work. He will be back."