"Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us." - David Richo

+++

Silas's POV

Session 2

"I'm glad you decided to visit me again." Dr. Meyers gives me another smile, another smile that reminds me of her, but I ignore the pain in my chest.

In truth, I didn't choose to be here. Well, I did, but I didn't. Throughout the past week, I just kept thinking of her; I felt like I everything about anything always just brought my mind to her. I could almost smell her at the office, still feel the taste of her lips on mine... and other things. God, I miss her. I miss her so fucking much; that is why I'm here.

Because I'm doing this for her. Her. Everything. I don't know how I lived without her in it.

"So, last session, we talked about your past. I know you've had problems with your father and how he reacted after your mother's diagnosis. How do you think that affected you now?"

I shrug my shoulders. I know I'm going to have to come here regularly, but these questions, they just throw me off. I don't know if it's because they're so personal or because no one's ever asked me them, but I hate how I can't control myself when she asks me them. It's as if my mouth isn't in my control anymore and my body is just going on autopilot, and I'm just there for the ride.

And how the hell does she know how to ask such easy yet painstakingly hard questions at the same time. It's like she knows the perfect ones to dig a machete into my heart. But I answer it regardless. Again, autopilot mouth thing.

"I don't know how it's affected me, to be honest. I just went through it; the deaths, the anger, the grief. I don't remember much of it. All I remember is the emotions. I remembered how I felt, not how I dealt with it. It was like a blur of videos and I was witnessing them all in real time, but I couldn't press pause."

"Do you remember how your brothers dealt with it?"

"No. Again, I just remember the emotions. The anger towards my father for abandoning them. The shame for not being there for them; well, for being there, but not being there. I don't know if that makes sense. I was there physically, but not emotionally. I knew I was being a shitty brother, but I didn't how to deal with the emotions."

"Do you carry that weight of shame now?"

This take me a minute to think. Do I carry shame?

I'm honestly not sure. "I don't know. I know my brothers love me. I love them. But, we've never talked about out feelings before, we were just there if one of us broke down. Now, now obviously we've moved on. We channeled our emotions to rebuilding our father's company. I guess in some ways, I want our company to be successful to, I don't know, suck it to my dad. I don't know. I guess, I want them to be proud of what we've done together. Together. Us. Because even though they annoy the fuck out of me, and sometimes I want to shove a toilet bowl down their heads, they're my family. They're my brothers. And, I love them."

"Do you tell them that often. That you love them?" My eyes dart to the ground.

No, I never tell them I love them. I tell them them the dumbasses they are and how they should be focusing on the company instead of other stupid shit. "No, I don't. I don't feel the need to. I don't think me and my brothers are like that, you know? Displaying affection. We show our love through insulting and hitting each other. That's just how we always were."

"Did the bond between you and your brothers grow after your parents' death?"

That was easy. "Yeah, we definitely did. I mean, when were younger, I felt a little out of place with them; they were varsity players, attractive, popular, and I... just wasn't. I didn't resent them for it, but I never knew how to relate to what they were going through. But after they died, it was like we could finally turn to each other because we knew what the other was feeling. And we would always be there for each other if one of us fell."

"Do you spend a lot of your time with your brothers' on a daily basis?"

"Oh, yes, Well, we run the company together so it's kind of a given."

She jots something on her notepad. "How about outside work?"

It takes me a second to think about it until I come to the realization. "No, not outside of work. But work in itself takes up most of the day. It seems weird to be with them after work after a full eight hours with them, you know?"

"Would you like my opinion?"

I nod. Isn't that what I'm paying you for?

"I think with the information you told me of your parents and your brother, it's clear you have some abandonment issues, especially with the people you love. Maybe try spending more time with your brothers outside of work, or taking a day off. Getting a vacation can help reduce your stress and let your emotions settle. I understand your company is just taking off and is having major success at that, but there's something that is making you feel upset; maybe a significant partner?" My back stiffens when she mentions her.

I can tell she notices because her eyes flicker to my straight posture and my fisted hands on my lap. "We can get into that in another session. My best advice: spend time with the people you love because they could be gone in a blink of an eye."

She stands up and I do the same. "Let's continue in our next session." I nod my head, still unsure of her "advice."

I already spend time with my brothers enough as it is, now she wants me to spend even more time with them?

+++

"Do you guys want to do something today?" I ask Sage and Sawyer. It's almost the end of the day, and I honestly don't know what they do once the front doors of Sander Corp close.

"What do you mean?" Sage looks at me peculiarly while Sawyer watches me from his periphery.

"We should do something together. Like a brother bonding time or something." I look at Sage expectantly, waiting for him to answer, for one of them to answer.

"Are you high?" That was Sawyer. I glare towards his direction and reply, "No, dipshit, I'm not high. I just thought it's been a while since the three of us has done something together. Besides that stripper joint. So, what do you say?"

Sage and Sawyer make eye contact, as if speaking through their eyes what the hell has gotten into their older brother. "Fucking shit, it's not that weird that I want to do something outside of work," I say, exasperated.

"Yes, Silas, it is. You're a workaholic. A good one at that, but one nonetheless. You never want to hangout with us outside work" Sage nods in agreement, and he joins in as well. "The last time we hung out outside work, we had to convince you through a 75-slide PowerPoint." Sage and Sawyer again make eye contact, probably exchanging numbers for a mental facility. I finally put my foot down.

"Jesus fucking Christ, I just want to hang out with you guys. Is that so hard to comprehend?" I glare at both of them before deciding to admit defeat. "Never mind, forget I said anything."

I clutch my briefcase and phone and storm out the office. Jesus Christ, that couldn't have gone any worse.

Is that how they'll react anytime I want to spend time with them outside work? I thought our relationship was closer, but clearly I was fucking wrong. Jesus, I can't even hangout with my little brothers without them thinking me mental. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I speed out the parking lot, hamulated and... lonely. Jesus Christ, I sound like a fucking depressed teenager.

But that's what I am right now. A lonely fucking workaholic that doesn't have any friends besides brothers who I never express any emotions to besides anger and frustration and a woman who wants space from me.

I don't fucking have anyone. Isn't that the truth.

I shake my head, frustrated, angry, and sad... I don't have anyone. How fucked up am I?

I can feel that thing again. That lump.. or boulder.. or emptiness. I don't know how to describe it. But I can feel it seeping through my bones again. The urge to just... to forget. To forget about how I can't fix myself. To forget about the broken relationships arounds me. I hate this. This familiar feeling that always haunted me everywhere I went. After my mother's diagnosis, after I wasn't there for my brothers, after treating Caden like shit under my boot.

Fuck.

No wonder I don't have anyone, fucking look at me.

My body had inadvertently driven to a nearby bar.

Yes, alcohol. Just what I need right now. I'm ready to get fucking wasted.

+++

I down my fifth beer and slam it on the counter. I want another one, I want a whole fucking keg. I just want more, more, more, to forget about this piercing pain in my chest. How do I get rid of it? Maybe there's a YouTube video on it.

"Waiter! More beer, please!" I slur. My head is pounding but I welcome it. I like it. It's a better ache. A manageable one.

Manageable aches. That should be a thing. Like trading really bad things for manageable aches. People would pay big money for that. I know I would.

The waiter looks at me warily, and then looks up above my head, and then back at me. I don't turn around to see what he was looking at. I don't really care. I just want more beer.

"MORE BEER!" I holler him. He obviously has hearing issues. I've been saying I want more for a very long two minutes. Terrible service.

The waiter responds with a small glare. I glare back, in my most intimidating one too, and wait for my beer to come.

Approximately five seconds later, I yell again. "BEER!" He needs hearing aids.

"I don't think so," another voice sounds out behind me. I see the waiter's face wash in relief before setting the beer in front of me. I reach to grab it, planning on chugging it down my esophagus, but the glass slides out of my hands by the man behind me.

I turn around, angry. "What the fuck, man, that was mine. Buy your fucking own." I meet the man's eyes and see familiar blue ones looking back at me. "Silas, what the fuck are you doing?" Sawyer says. I can't place his tone but I don't give a fuck. He's the last person I want to see right now.

"Go away, let me drink." I grumble, and face the waiter again. "Give me another beer, that dude took it from me." The waiter looks up at Sawyer before nodding his head and heading for the back of the restaurant.

"Come on, Silas, let's go home." He tugs on my arm but I don't budge.

I see Sage in my periphery, talking to some chick on the other side of the restaurant. Of course.

"Sage, get your ass over here!" Sawyer yells at out youngest brother. Sage sends an apologetic (fake) smile towards the girl before sauntering to my side.

"Okay, we going home or what?"

"Fuck no!" I yell at him. "You can go home, I am staying here." I make sure to glue my butt real good on the seat so they won't be able to pry me off of it.

Sawyer sighs, and I hope they had given up. They both go silent, probably talking shit about me behind my back. Fucking assholes.

After a few minutes, Sage pokes me on the side. "Yo, Silas. You know the chick that I was talking to?" I don't reply to him. "Well.. she was talking about you. Talking about how your cute and shit. Obviously she has no eyes, so I set her straight." He laughs at himself.

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't give a fuck. You can have her."

I turn away from him when he asks, "Why is that?"

"Because I like someone else. Someone way better than her." My gaze flickers to the girl. She doesn't even compare to my Caden.

"Mhm, and who may that be?" He's smiling. Why is he smiling? I don't give a shit. "Caden. Her name is Caden and she is 100% better than that chick."

I smile, thinking about her. Caden. My Caden.

Sage laughs beside me. "Look at you smiling thinking about your woman." I stop smiling. "Shut up, no I wasn't." I punch his arm, and even in my drunken state, I can pack a punch.

He groans in pain at the contact, but he's fine. I've done worse.

Sage comes back to my side again. He speaks quietly, as if he's telling me a secret. I like secrets. I come closer to him. He's going to tell me a secret. "How about we go to your penthouse and play Monopoly. I always fucking beat your ass when we played." His smile glints with mischief.

"Like hell you did. I beat both your asses," I defend myself.

"Oh, yeah? Would you like to prove it?" I nod my head. I always beat them at Monopoly, they won't stand a chance against me.

He smiles in triumph and turns to Sawyer.

+++

Sage and Sawyer basically carried me to my car, where Sage took the wheel and Sawyer took the car they came here with to my penthouse.

Now, we've been playing Monopoly for three hours.

And guess who's won every single time.

Yeah, fucking me, as I should.

"Fucking loser, I win again." I place my money on the board to get a drink of water. "What time is it?" I ask Sage.

"12:30."

I don't remember the last time we've spent this much time together outside of work. Besides the strip joint.

I sobered up slowly as the game progressed and Sage and Sawyer force-drank me a shit ton of water. I've been peeing a lot tonight.

I suggest, "Maybe we should call it a night?" Sage and Sawyer look at each other warily. I know what they're thinking. They're afraid I'll become an alcoholic mess, and I don't even blame them. I am a fucking mess, right now, and the fact that my little brothers notice too is like a kick to my gut.

I'm supposed to be the fucking role model, dammit! Instead, I'm the older brother they have to take care of.

Fuck me.

"No, we're staying. Or I am." Sage replies. "Sawyer is staying too, I don't care what he says."

I don't argue. I'm already ashamed that they feel the need to even stay, but they're as stubborn as me. They'll stay if they say they stay. Or Sage will say it and force Sawyer to do the same.

"Alright, I don't care. Just don't fuck my shit up," I warn. Sage replies with a stupid-ass smile.

'Alright, brothers, what else do you want to do," Sage asks, all loud and giddy like a fucking school girl.

"How about we sleep?" Sawyer suggests but Sage quickly shut it down. "Hey, Grandma Sawyer, don't be a fucking loser." I roll my eyes as the same time Sawyer does.

"I KNOW WHAT WE WILL DO!" he announces like that dude from Hamilton in "Farmer's Refuted." British accent and everything. "WE WILL BINGE WATCH PIXAR MOVIES."

I groan. Sawyer groans. Sage laughs like a man-child.

And that is what we do. We watch Pixar movies for the entire night. Until I feel Sawyer's head fall onto the couch cushion and Sage's on my shoulder.

I push down his face onto my lap so his boulder of a head doesn't give me shoulder problems.

And then I smile.

And then immediately unsmile.

+++