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Her tiny fists lose their strength on the swell of my breast, and the suction around my nipple subsides slowly too. Her eyes were closed already, but now I also feel how her warm, fuzzy beige pajama-covered body goes completely slack.

She's out and it looks as if she needs it after the heavy cramps she's had the last couple of days.

"She's asleep, isn't she?" Hero mumbles from behind me, his lips pressing against my ear as his arms wrap around both me and Daisy a little firmer.

We're on the couch, Hero in the corner and I leaning against his chest. I just gave Daisy her last feeding, and before that Hero had a shower with her. This time, she was awake the whole time, looking around with her big eyes and even focussing on Hero a few times as he softly talked to her.

We had the perfect afternoon. When we came back from our walk, Hero suggested ordering in, and eventually, we ended up eating burritos just like we did on Christmas Eve. We ate them on the couch while we watched tv, with Daisy laying in between us as she clutched onto her rabbit.

"She's asleep," I confirm, looking down at my perfect little girl. So unexpectantly perfect.

She slowly turns her head, releasing my nipple completely and twisting her head. All the while, she doesn't bother to open her eyes; she looks full and content, and it gives me hope that tonight will be a good night without too much crying.

Hero's big hand folds around one of her little feet, his thumb pressing on her sole and moving up to each tiny toe.

"How come she always loses those damn socks?" He chuckles. "It took me such an effort to put them on, and she doesn't even care. She just kicks them off right after."

It's true; ever since they left the shower, he's put her socks back onto her feet at least three times, but she isn't having any of it.

"I love that though," he continues, his voice lazy and low while his thumb still strokes her foot. "Those little things that, by now, are so her."

"I think she is doing it to annoy you," I joke, and he snickers behind me before kissing my ear.

"Probably," he mumbles, his other hand moving until it's resting on my ribs, just underneath Daisy.

I smile and carefully lift her, putting her up in hopes she burps even though she is fast asleep. But as always, she burps the moment she's up, not waking for even a second.

"That'll always be my favorite thing." Hero laughs and then places a kiss on her forehead. In answer, Daisy lets out a soft, utterly content sigh, and it warms my heart.

In this moment, I know she is perfectly happy, and that makes me perfectly happy as well.

"I think I'm going to lay her down," I whisper after another few minutes of cuddling.

Hero hums in agreement, unlacing his arms from around me and giving me room to sit up. After I've covered myself and Hero has given Daisy a kiss goodnight, I make my way to her bedroom.

After I've tucked her in, I take a moment to scan the room. Her room, that was ours when we first got here. I remember how the first few nights were horrible. How I woke up bathing in sweat because of the nightmares that wouldn't leave me alone.

It all feels so long ago, yet the fear that rushes through my body tells me it's all just happened.

Fear for what is about to come. Fear for how Hero will react once he knows what those nightmares really entitled. Fear for what reliving those memories will do to me.

But at the same time, there is that glimmer of hope. Hope that telling Hero will give me courage. Courage that'll help me when I'll tell the police what they did to me. Courage that eventually will lead to strength. And strength that I can use to fight them in court. For Daisy. And for myself.

After throwing one more glance at my sleeping daughter, I grab some clean underwear from the closet, along with a sleeping shirt and shorts, before closing the door behind me.

When I'm standing in the doorpost of the door that leads to the living room, I find Hero on the couch still. He's scrolling through something on his phone, his free hand running through his untamed hair.

"I'm going to have a quick shower," I tell him, pulling his attention away from the device in his hand as he turns to face me.

"Okay." He nods, his eyes scanning me for a moment. Then, he takes a breath, followed by a snap of his lip that seems nervous. "You still sure about telling me?"

I'm thankful for his straight-to-the-point question. It makes it easier to just nod my head. Almost as if he's not giving me time to think it over.

He nods his head in return. "Okay. I'll be in the bedroom then. Do you need anything? Tea? Water?"

"Maybe some iced tea?" I opt. Water or tea don't seem like a good idea. If I tell him about what they did to me, I want everything else to be different from how it was in that apartment. And since he only gave me water or tea...

"Yeah, no problem." He stands from the couch and makes his way towards me, stopping when he's just inches away from me. He then places his hands on my hips, bowing his head so our foreheads touch. "Take your time, okay? I'll wait."

I nod and rise to my tiptoes kissing to him for just a second. "Thank you."

He shakes his head, dismissing my words before he gently pushes me into the hallway, silently telling me to have that shower. And just as I'm about to turn around and disappear into the bathroom, he once again reassures me that my biggest fear of all won't be reality.

"Nothing will change, love. I'll still be me, and you'll still be you. And we will still be us. Nothing will change."

Our legs are laced as we lay on our sides, our heads both on our own pillow. Hero's finger is tracing his eyebrow, and I'm biting on my lip so hard, I think it'll be sore before I fall asleep.

I'm warm, partly because of the hot shower I took moments ago, partly because I've wrapped myself in the duvet completely, hoping it will offer some sort of shield that'll protect me from the demons I'm about to unleash.

I look at Hero, whose eyes are on me expectantly. I can tell he has no idea how to start this either. He's sucking on his lower lip, his hand now fidgeting with the seam of the duvet. He's nervous just like me, but for the first time since I've met him, I feel that he won't say anything until I do.

He's leaving it up to me.

"I've told you that everything changed when I turned sixteen, right?" I hesitantly start, taking a deep breath beforehand.

Hero nods, his eyes suddenly clear and focussed, although the anger and even doubt are there too. It's not a good sign, because I know those feelings will only get heavier once I've told him everything.

"Before that moment, I didn't know that men and women can do certain things together. It's why I let him take me to his bed. I didn't see any harm, although it was weird considering we just woke up. But because I slept in his bed since I was with him, I had no weird feelings about it."

I clutch onto my pillow as I think about that day. Everything that happened is a blur, but somehow, that moment is burned into my brain. I know every little detail of what happened, and it hurts.

"I wore this white top that he had given me and underwear. It was unusual, but again, I figured that it was something for my birthday." A humorless chuckle leaves my throat as the salty taste forms in my jaw. Why was I so naive?

"At first, he pulled me against him, my back against his front. It was like cuddling, and since he did that a lot, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Only when he started to wiggle behind me, I remember that it felt weird for the first time. He pressed his hips against me, and his grip around me became stronger too."

I lift my eyes, scanning Hero's face. He's pale, his eyes dark and his full lips now formed into a thin line. He doesn't say anything, not even giving me a nod to continue. He seems frozen, although the thing that confirms that he's listening is his heavy breathing.

"He... He first grabbed my breast. And I was frozen into place. Alice told me there are usually three reactions that a victim can have; fight, flee, or freeze. That first time, I froze."

I take another deep breath, forcing myself to continue even though I don't get any verbal reaction from the man next to me. His eyes follow me like a hawk when I sit up slightly and take a sip of my cold iced tea, but other than that, he remains in his position.

"I froze when he turned me over. Froze when he pressed his mouth to mine and forced his tongue through my lips. I didn't do anything, I just let him, somewhere deep inside me hoping that, even though I had no idea what he was doing, that would be all he would do."

Hero takes a steady breath and then sits up as well. He doesn't reach for me; he just moves his hand through his hair, leaning his back against the headboard of his bed. And then he looks at me again, his eyes spitting fire but his overall demeanor seemingly calm.

"When he lay on top of me, he eventually pulled my underwear down and-"

"Christ. I get it. I get it okay," Hero interrupts, but I put my hand on his arm and shake my head.

"Please,'' I mumble, tears fighting to come through. "I need to tell you this. I need to know if I can say it out loud."

"Fuck," he softly curses as he seems to realize something. He then pulls me to him, squeezing me against his side by trapping me in his arms. "Sorry. I just... Of course. You tell me. Sorry. Go on."

I take a deep breath, one that inhales his scent and somewhat calms me and reminds me of why I'm telling him this in the first place.

To be brave and strong. For Daisy.

"He tried to push inside me, but he couldn't and it frustrated him. I remember how confused I was. I didn't understand what was happening, and it made no sense that he suddenly got mad. Of course, now I know he couldn't because he wasn't hard, but back then I had no idea," I continue, recalling how confused and scared I was.

"Eventually, he stopped trying, and out of nowhere, he hit me across my cheek. Just one slap, but because I was still frozen on his bed and because it came out of nowhere, it struck me good."

"Fucking bastard," Hero grunts, his grip still solid on my form. I can tell he is fighting hard not to give in to the anger he feels though; his whole body is tensed, and I seriously wonder how he will take the rest of my story.

"He is," I agree, by lack of other things to say. I then take another gulp of my drink, trying to fight my dry throat.

"The sickest thing was that after he hit me a few more times and left, I thought that I'd done something wrong. Of course, I felt that what had happened wasn't right, but because I was so used to being close to him in bed, and because he'd never hit me before, I really thought that it was my own fault. Of course, later events would tell me that it wasn't, but back then, I felt guilty."

Hero grunts and rolls his eyes too, but I know better than to take that as a reaction to my thoughts. He's mad. Overwhelmed too probably.

"The rest of the day, he didn't talk to me. He ignored me, and as days passed, the meals got fewer too. He still wanted me to sleep in his bed, and at first, he didn't try anymore. But after a few days, he seemed determined. He tried again, rougher and harder. He used his teeth, mostly on my neck and lip, and his hands squeezed harder too."

"But he failed again. At that point, I still didn't fight back. I didn't dare to, because that feeling of being the wrong one kept creeping up at me. So I did nothing, in hopes he didn't get that mad at me again." A sob falls from my lips as I shake my head and look at my clenched hands. "But it didn't help, and he got even angrier."

"He hit you again?" Hero asks, his voice raw and hurt. When I lift my head to look at him, I see that he's pale, but his eyes tell me that that's just because he is so mad.

"He did. And he then told me to get out of his bed. I slept on the sofa that night, and although it was confusing once more, I was happy that I wasn't that close to him."

Hero nods, taking a steady breath as well. "You told me you fought back too."

I nod again, surprised that he actually remembers that from the last time I talked to him. "I did. Eventually, I started to realize that what was happening wasn't normal and that it couldn't be my fault because I didn't do anything to make him that mad. I mean, I was just laying there, letting him do his thing. So, after a few times, I was done with getting hit for something that wasn't my fault, and I started fighting back. The first time, I actually got him good on his cheekbone, and I think it surprised him because, for a minute, he hopped off his bed and turned around. But when he came back, he started again, and that's when I fought back."

I take another sip of my drink while Hero grabs my free hand and lifts it to his mouth. His lips trace my knuckles, almost as if he wants to take away the pain that the punches I gave Leonard inflicted.

"You're so fucking strong," he mumbles after he kissed all five of them.

His words come in hard, and I can't help the tears from flowing as I feel how they warm my heart. It's a revelation too; for the first time, I agree with him. I am strong.

"He kept trying, and I kept fighting. I think that's why he eventually put me in that room. He could cuff the to the wall there, and it made it impossible to fight back. By lack of any other way to stop him, I laughed at him that last time. I laughed at him because he couldn't do it, and it threw him off completely. So much, that he left. And I remember how euphoric that felt. As if I'd won."

"You were eighteen then, right?" Hero pipes up again, and I love him for trying to participate in this conversation so it's not only me that's talking. It gives me room to breathe.

"Nineteen," I correct him before drinking the last couple of sips from my glass. My eyes burn, although I don't register that I'm crying. I'm so focused on telling him, it's as if I forget everything else.

Hero nods and kisses the top of my head. "This is where those others come in, right?"

"Yes," I sob, putting my empty glass on the nightstand. "Five of them, and they clearly came there with a reason. I'm sure he told them to do it, but they all wanted it. And worse, they could do it."

I close my eyes, swallowing the bitter taste as I see what happens to me. I feel it. Their hands. Their breaths. Everything. And the pain. The damn pain that just wouldn't stop.

"They didn't chain me. It was as if they enjoyed the fact that I fought back. Four of them held me by my arms and legs, the older ones. And the youngest of the five... He..."

"He raped you," Hero finishes, his voice laced with emotion and anger too. I can tell he's crying, but I don't dare to look up at him.

I just nod my head. "And after he was done, they all followed. That first time, I felt and heard everything. I couldn't shut myself out. And they laughed. I don't know how long they took, all I know is that it seemed to take forever. Eventually, the pain was too much, and my body shut down by itself. When I woke up, they were gone, and I was on that mattress, a bleeding, sore mess."

I fall silent for a moment, and Hero doesn't speak either. The only thing that's audible in the room is our heavy breathing and my silent sobs. Outside, I hear a siren of an ambulance, but other than that, it's dead silent.

"So the first time you had sex..," Hero trails, not finishing his sentence as I hear his voice crack near the end.

"I did it with all five of them," I finish, somehow wanting to make it clear. To make him realize how bad and disgusting the truth is.

But to my surprise, he yanks me to him even more, his hand moving to my chin as he pulls it up rather roughly. "You didn't do it with all five of them," he spits. "They did it to you. It doesn't count if you don't want it, Jo. It doesn't count."

How I wish this was true.

But I don't fight his words. I feel like I don't have the strength to do so, partly because I know he will never agree with me on this. What I am relieved about, is that up until now, he hasn't shown any reproach towards me. His anger and disgust are aimed at the five of them and Leonard, and that's a relief.

"That night, when they were done, Leonard let me shower. And then he took me to the living room where he gave me creme brulee. And while he forced me to eat it, he showed me a video on the tv." My voice cracks, and I look down again, breaking eye contact with Hero's intense green eyes.

"A video? Jesus Christ, did he film it?" I hear the panic behind his words, and I shake my head frantically while laying my hand on his arm.

"No. No, I don't think he ever did that," I honestly tell him. "No, he showed me a video of another girl, with four men, and unlike me, she seemed to enjoy what they did to her. She even asked for it at one point." I shake my head as I try to push away the images. "And he told me that she liked it too. And that what was happening wasn't a big deal."

I shut my eyes as I hear him mutter those words.

It's not a big deal, Josie. Look, she likes it, and you will too, eventually.

"And from that moment on, they came twice a week," I continue, my voice hard as I try to overrule his voice in my head. "The assaults became worse after a few times. And they didn't wait for one to finish. At some point, I was just their puppet."

"Did they just...?" Hero starts but doesn't seem to be able to finish his sentence. Only when I lift my head again and give him an encouraging nod that tells him that he can ask anything he wants, he takes a deep breath.

"When you tell this to the police, they'll ask questions about the rape." He looks at me knowingly, his eyes oozing pain. "Did they just... You know, enter you there?"

And just like that, it's as if the dam breaks and all my tears come out. Heavy, uncontrolled sobs that come from deep within, and I can't do anything to stop them.

I wasn't expecting his question, although I did expect for me to tell him. That first time they raped me, I didn't think it could be any worse. But they proved me wrong.

Because it was at its worst when they did what Hero just asked me to clarify. Those times, when they didn't care and just took that little what was left of me, that's when it felt as if they tore me apart.

"Come here, love," Hero mumbles, his voice thick with emotions and lost sobs. He pulls me to him without waiting for me to move, laying me on top of him, my nose hidden in his chest. He then pulls the duvet over us, so everything turns dark, and wraps his arms around my body so incredibly tight, I fear he'll pull a muscle.

And he lets me cry. He just rubs his hand up and down my back while he lets me cry like I've never cried before. He cries with me too, silently, his chest sometimes spasming when a sob shoots through his body.