Being a mother of two newborns took it's toll on me. I couldn't sleep as much as I needed because there were times Lucas would want to feed as soon as I closed my eyes.

Lucas turned out to be a crier. At any possible time, he cried and whenever he did, Logan followed. It was like clockwork, so regular that it didn't come as a shock anymore. But because I was recovering from the CS, Keith had it easier than I did. He coped so well but I didn't. I got so used to him doing all those things that I began dreading his absence. He had more control of those things than I did. There was a week when he had to go on a business trip. My dad helped to a certain extent but he wasn't Keith, so he didn't have the magic touch. Avery had the touch to a certain extent but he was indisposed.

I had been counting down to his return because he knew much more than I did, but one day, we all cried together because I got tired of hearing them cry and there was no one to help. Usually, if one started, my dad or Keith or Avery or someone was always there to calm one down but that day, I was alone and tired and sleep-deprived. So when it started I tried calming him and just when I thought I'd succeeded, Logan started and Lucas started again. I joined them. The dam finally broke and all my frustration came flooding my eyes.

I cried and pleaded and pleaded and it was like nothing was working. Yes, I felt like a huge failure because which mother out there cannot control her babies? Which mother out there cannot stop her babies from crying? Which mother out there cried alongside them instead of focusing on calming them down? I knew it wasn't time for a diaper change because I'd just changed the diapers. They just fed, so what was the problem?

That was how Keith met us about 5 minutes later that night, me bawling my eyes out while holding two equally crying babies. He took Lucas away and almost immediately, he kept quiet. Did I mention that Lucas is partial towards Keith? His dad was literally his favorite person. Diaper change with Keith was easy because he cooperated with him. All I basically did for him was feed him because Keith couldn't do that for him.

When he finally got Lucas to calm down and everything fell into place, I was exhausted and so grateful.

"Thank you." I muttered when we finally put them to sleep and I blew my nose into a tissue and he hummed in response. I asked if he'd had dinner and he shook his head.

"I'll order something when I get home. How are you?"

"I'm fine now. It will be too late to order anything by the time you get home." I said as I sat up and got out of bed.

"Maya just go to sleep."

"I'm not a baby. I don't have to be in bed by 8."

"You know them.-" he began while nodding towards them."- They'll wake up soon and you'll have to wake up too. So try to be asleep when they are." and that shut me up. I laid down again and watched him pull off his shoes before getting into the bed beside me. Somewhere along the line, that had become our routine. On the nights I found it difficult to fall asleep, he'd lay down beside me and talk to me until I fell asleep and in the early hours of the morning or whenever, he'd leave.

Our relationship was the strangest thing ever. We were together in that we were still legally married, we were new parents, we looked out for each other when possible, cared and loved each but we weren't together. Together and yet not together. He never pushed even though I could see it in his eyes that he was getting tired of the whole thing. He had asked me to move back in a couple of times but I'd given one reason or another, never actually telling him the truth, that I was afraid that things would become bad again and this time around, I also had the kids to think about not just myself. Normal me would have moved back in as soon as things got better but this time, it wasn't just me but also our sons.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep, waited for it to come but when it didn't after what felt like thirty minutes, I let out a sigh. I just sat up and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. Maybe walk around the house, don't something to relax. I can't sleep. Come on, I'll heat up the leftover for you. Amelia's lasagna is to die for and she also made tacos. I kept some for you. Know how much you love 'em." I replied while pulling my pajama pants higher would as to not touch my CS scar since it was still sensitive.

Picking up one of the baby monitors on the bedside drawer, I followed him out. Soon, while he ate the warmed food, I played a game on my phone.

"Maya?" he called out and I hummed a reply.

"I know I've asked before, but I'll just ask one last time. What exactly are we? I've been thinking. I keep asking myself what our relationship is but I can't really explain it. Just two individuals that are parents or a married/separated/complicated couple? It is kind of confusing."

"I... I uhmm... "

"I'm not saying this to pressure you but I've been wondering if I should just go ahead and sign the papers. I have literally done everything in my power to get things back to the way they were but it's obviously not working. If you're not interested in getting back together, I can't force you, there's nothing I can do about that. All I want to do is to know where we stand. I want to know if we're going to work on our marriage or if I should just sign them."

"No. You can't sign them. What of our sons? Where do they stand in all of this?"

"Maya there is no real difference between our current relationship and divorce. I don't even know what this thing we're doing is. I like staying in control of things in my life. I hate inconsistency or uncertainty. This, what you just said, is just an excuse,the same one you've been giving. We don't even live together. Every time I come here I feel like a man who is visiting his partner who has custody of the kids. I just want to know if that's what I really am. There won't be anything like custody battle or shit like that. I don't mind visiting. I believe I've put you through enough crap to add custody battle to it. All I actually want is a definition of our relationship, that's all."

I buried my face in my palms and took deep calming breaths. I was panicking and I didn't even know why. It was just a simple question, really. Pulling my hands away from my face, he took my face in his hands and raised my head so I'd meet his gaze.

"Do you love me?" he asked and I nodded.

"Do you want us back together?" I nodded again.

"So what's the problem?"

"I'm scared. Of everything getting good again only to take a turn for the worse. This time around it's no longer just about me and you but about our kids, the effect a bad relationship can have on them. I'm scared of getting heartbroken again. I'm scared of the fact that even though I love you, you don't love me as much. I'm scared that me loving you and doing as much as I can to make it work won't be enough and one day you'd just up and leave. I mean now that they're born, you don't even have to do anything anymore. You won't lose everything because they were born before the divorce was even finalized. I'm scared of a possible future where you'll say something that will bring the relationship, everything to an end again."

"It's a marriage not a relationship. You can't just end it like that." He started but I cut him off.

"It didn't take you anything to say we were getting divorced months ago when you found out I was pregnant. Months later I still pleaded with you and you still insisted. You went ahead and gave me the divorce papers while acting all nice and shit. I put myself out there for you. I did everything I could for you and yet it was so easy for you to just give the papers to me with a straight face and tell me you couldn't forgive me for having one negative thought. I sighed the papers after days of hanging around and moved out. If you'd signed those papers and sent them back we wouldn't be here having this conversation right now. It would have been completely over by now."

"You have no idea how much I regret my actions, and I know you're still mad about.. " I cut him off again.

"No. You need to be able to tell the difference between my anger, fear and disappointment. Me back when I was pregnant; the mean me that was annoying, always bitching, bitter and wanted nothing to do with you? That was the angry me. I hated you and I hated who I'd become because I was angry and that was why I let it go. That was why I was different that morning before I went into labor. I didn't like it. It was a load that was too heavy for me and so I let it go. The me now that is looking at you is the scared me that wonders what will happen in future, that wonders if things will be different if I decide to try again or if it's going to be a disaster like it was in the past."

Those words kept him quiet for a moment and I just stood up from where I was sitting and went to the sink to rinse the plates we'd used just to keep busy. After shuffling around for a while, I turned and saw that he'd fallen asleep on the table. A side of me rolled it's eyes and muttered trust him to fall asleep in the middle of a serious conversation. I didn't exactly blame him for doing so. I'd noticed the tired lines on his face when he came in and helped me with the kids but I didn't expect him to fall asleep in the middle of a serious conversation which he'd started. His phone beeped indicating a new message and I looked at the phone. It was a message from his mother.

Son, please. Come on. It's been three months already and I've done all I possibly can to make things right. What more do you want from me?

I sighed and softly ran my fingers through his hair, wondering what he was going through and why he was fighting with his mum. He was very close to her and really hated fighting with her. I wondered what she was talking about and just let out another breath.

"Keith?" I softly called out while lightly shaking him. I didn't want him to want him to wake up with start since that gave him headaches. "Come on. Let's go upstairs so you'll sleep in a bed instead of a table."

So we made the long trip back to my room and once he got out of his suit jacket and pants, he crawled under the sheets and was out like a light in just his white shirt and boxer shorts. Before I could settle down, I heard a soft knock on the door which I had come to know as my dad's pattern of knocking.

"Hi daddy. When did you come back?" I asked when I closed the door behind me.

"A while ago. How are you?"

"Tired. Exhausted. Feel like there's no life in me anymore. Choose one."

He laughed and nodded. "You look it. Don't worry. It gets better with time. They'll soon start sleeping all night and you'll be able to sleep that long too."

"Oh thank God because I can't wait. I really need to sleep for 24 hours straight."

At that he chuckled again and then nodded towards my door. "You can go back now. I heard voices in the kitchen and saw you and your husband talking so I decided to leave the greeting for later."

"How much did you hear?" I asked.

"Honestly? A lot."

I nodded. "So what do you think? I don't know what to do."

"What I think doesn't matter. What matters is what you truly want. If it's to go back, then do it with your eyes wide open. If you don't, then don't. Just don't be in the middle. You're using your sons as an excuse. Yes, you have to make decisions with them in mind. But knowing where you stand in your relationship is also important for their sake. Your relationship is the strangest thing I've ever seen and I've seen strange things. If you really love him and believe he loves you just as much, why hold onto the past? Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for. "

"oh my goodness Dad. That last line got to me. How did you come up with it?"

"Same way I come up with everything... I heard that in a song this evening." he said and that that made me laugh a little.

"Does he love me as much as I do him? I keep asking myself the same question." I said with a groan.

"I think he loves you more than you love him. But what do I know? I'm an old man. I know nothing of this generation." he said with a shrug and a smile before kissing my forehead. "Good night Maya. I need sleep is written all over you."

"Night daddy."I replied before stepping back into my room and straight to the bathroom to do my business. After that I got into bed and closed my eyes and patiently waited for the sleep to come back.

******

I woke up to morning breath and opened my eyes with a frown only to come face to face with Keith whose mouth was slightly open for breathing. Why he was breathing through his mouth, I had no idea. But I knew that if I shook him a little he'd adjust and breath normally. I just shrugged it off and moved to get out of bed only to wonder why I had slept through the night. I felt well rested and refreshed and It was strange for me to have slept through the night.

I shot out of bed when I realized that I felt that way because I had actually slept all night as my mind already conjured the worst images of all the crying the previous night killing my babies. I scrambled to the foot of the bed where their cot was and found them sound asleep. I let out a sigh of relief and just when I wondered why we didn't have our nightly feeding routine, my eyes strayed to the feeding bottles on the table and I realized he fed them with the pumped milk. I'd started pumping when I started having the issue of being engorged all the time and I honestly felt like a cow and hated it. But it helped at those moments when he handled the feeding. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of gratitude. And love.

I couldn't help myself,so I just shook him awake. It took a while for his eyes to focus on my face.

"Babe? What's the matter?" he asked when he finally focused.

"I love you."

"Yeah. Me too." he mumbled as his eyes slid close again.

"Keith, come on. I'm telling you that I want to be with you."

"Yeah. Me too."

"And I'm really happy you fed and changed them."

"Yes, Logan peed on me. It got into my mouth. And Lucas vomited on me too. It wasn't easy...." he mumbled again before opening his eyes to look at me. "wait what? Say that again."

"I love you?"

"No the other one."

"I want to be with you."

"How?"

"I'm willing to try again. I love you and I believe in second chances and you've been amazing these past months and I miss you too and Blinky misses you too and..." he kissed me.

"Your breath stinks." I said when I pulled back and he laughed before blowing it in my face. "Eww. You're such a pig."

"Yours smells like a drawer filled with dirty socks." he replied.

I laughed a little before leaning in to kiss him again. "I love you Maya." he whispered in between and I hoped against all hopes that I wasn't making a mistake I'd regret for the rest of my life. But then I realized that if I continued fearing it, I'd also miss out on the good things.

"I know there are going to be ups and downs, we're going to fight about things as small as keeping the toothpaste cap on, I'll do stupid things but I want you to know that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. I don't deserve you Maya. You're too good for me but I love that I have you in my life because you're an amazing person."

"You do have a way with words." I said with a small chuckle.

"Well that's the truth. I just said it."

The feeling of wetness made me pull back and I looked at my shirt and saw two spots that continued spreading. "You're leaking."

"No kidding Captain Obvious. Time to pump. I will see you when the sordid action is over." I groaned.

"You know I don't find it weird at all."

"I'm still not going to pump in front of you. I'll feel like a cow."

I never pumped before him. Watching that thing milk me was horrible and I honestly felt like a cow. I couldn't do that even though he didn't think it's a big deal.

"I can help you know. You can just come to me instead of using a pump." he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes and I gasped.

"Oh my God. It's not just a pregnancy fetish. You like this too." I said with my eyes wide open while waving at my chest.

"I also have an underwear fetish. I like just yours though. And you know how I feel about the mirrors in the room." he said with a shrug.

The way he said it made me think back to my still missing thong.

"My thong from that first night."

"Uh huh. I laundered and put it in the bottom end of my socks drawer."

"Who am I married to?" I laughed when I got over it.

"A freak." he said with a sweet smile.

Yes, I truly did marry a freak.