"Mr. Vanderbilt, how are you feeling today?" My nurse, Candace, asked.

"I'm not sure."

"I don't like that answer. Do you need help?"

"No, I'm just thinking about something."

"Alright, your therapist will he here soon. Call me if you need anything." She left the room.

I think I found a peace of my mind but I can't forget her face. Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessed with Aubrey or anything it's just that I keep thinking about the way she was built. I watched her grow as a person. I saw her progress.

I saw the way she changed. When I first met her I thought she was just a pathetic woman.But then I grew to understand who she really is.

I think we all made mistakes. I think Aubrey and I should have never gotten married in the first place. All of this could have been avoided. The fact that Aubrey wanted me to love her was almost impossible for me. I'm thinking about it now and I understand. Aubrey is a great woman but she wasn't the one I wanted. I wanted Ivory and I genuinely loved her. Why couldn't Aubrey see that? Why couldn't she see that I was happier with Ivory?It is not selfish of me to want my own happiness. I'm at fault as well, I think Aubrey was trying to save me from Ivory and neither of us new it.

Then there is Xavier.

It wasn't my intention to hurt Xavier. That image plagues my mind everyday.

I knocked out Aubrey with a piece of metal I had.

"Haden just stop all of this!" Xavier begged.

"I'm doing her a favor. She loves me and I want her all to myself." I argued as I dragged him a little further into the basement.

"Haden, this isn't you. You're better than this."

"Just shut up." I tightened the rope around his hand.

"Look at yourself. What are you even doing to me?"

"You weren't suppose to find out about Aubrey." I barked.

"How long were you gonna hide her Haden? You're a liar and a sick person. You took her away from her lover. Have you no shame or feelings? But you know what, she will never want you because you are-

"Shut up." I yelled as I swung the metal in my hand and hit him in his head. He slumped over immediately and blood oozed from his head.

"Xavier. Xavier wake up." I panicked but there was no response. Tears pricked in my eyes and I didn't know what to do.

Aubrey stirred a little and I took her upstairs.

Hold on Xavier, you'll be okay.

But he was never okay. In fact he never woke up. The last conversation I had with him was a stupid argument that he was right about. I miss my brother every single day and I was the one that killed him. I'm the idiot that took Xavier's life and that's something he could never get back. I wish I could trade places with him. I'd give anything to see him again. Just to see him smile while he ate nachos, his favorite snack.

When I lost Ivory, I wanted to use Aubrey to fill that void. I realised that she always loved me and she was probably the only person that did. I was lonely and hurting. I often wondered how it would have been if I just accepted her as my wife in the first place but I know the truth is that I loved Ivory with all my heart. I just couldn't bring myself to love Aubrey. I know something was there and I did indeed had feelings for her but Ivory was the only woman I truly loved. That's just how I felt.

I became confused. Finding out that Damien wasn't my son and Ivory was just working for someone was heartbreaking. How could I face my parents after that? I had no one there for me. But I had the thought that Aubrey would always be there. I was wrong, Aubrey had moved on with Vincent.

That day when she remembered who he was, it tore me to pieces because for the two years Aubrey spent with me, I grew closer to her and I can say that I fell in love with her. I learnt about her likes and dislikes. It was the best years of my life and I knew I was selfish but I just wanted to hold onto something because I had nothing. I liked the way she looked at me and the way she smiled. I didn't even have to make love to her to feel good, she just made me happy. That's all I wanted.

When I shot Blake, it was like realization had dawned on me. I now fully understood that I was being stupid and selfish. If he didn't jump for that bullet, Aubrey would have gotten shot and I can't imagine how that would make me feel. Aubrey deserves soo much and I knew that I would never be able to give that to her. Her heart belongs to Vincent and that's all there is to it.

I know that I wasn't a good person but I'm working to be better every single day. I want to be better. I'm the one in charge of my actions and I made some pretty stupid decisions.

I have to admit that I love Ivory and deep down I feel like there was something real about our relationship even though she deceived me.

Ivory was the woman I wanted to be with but Aubrey was just different. She was perfect. She was everything you would want. Funny how I got neither of them.

Looking back at my life, I was just a man that wanted to be happy with the woman of his dreams. I wanted to settle down and have a family. It's quite the opposite, I didn't get that but I'm not giving up so soon. I have found a way to love myself because that's what I was lacking. I wanted to be fixed by Aubrey when I should have been fixing myself.

My therapist, Jennifer entered and sat opposite me.

"Hello Haden." She smiled as she adjusted herself.

"Hey Jen."

"How has everything been?" She questioned.

"It's been okay."

"Are you good?"

"Yes I am good. It's been five years since that day." I commented.

"Yes it has. Have you learnt anything?"

"I learnt that you can't force people to do something just because it's pleasing to you. It's fine to be alone sometimes. It's good to understand people and in life you can make mistakes, some of them can't be fixed or erased but you can learn from them. I was a selfish man and I made foolish mistakes but I learnt from them. I hurt people, innocent people, because of my selfish desires and I was angry at myself for a long time but I found peace with myself."

"I'm proud of you Haden. You have grown a lot."

"Thank you."

Isn't it funny that when someone wants you, you don't want them and when you have finally taken an interest in them, they have already moved on. And as things keep changing and the time ticks by and people become part of your of your life and then they leave or they stay. Whatever their choice may be, that person makes an impact whether you like it or not.

At first I didn't like you then somewhere along the lines it became love but now I only feel happiness for you. I feel happy that you have a your family and you have someone that will love you forever and beyond. Thank you Aubrey Evans for being part of my life.

I wish you all the best. You deserve this.