I could feel it, like a ruthless disease constantly attacking me from the inside. By the way my rectum tingled, I could tell it was the runny type, and by far, the most dangerous type. My ass and heart were both in a state of terror; not once had I thought about taking a dump in the woods. Bullets of sweat barreled down my face as I tried my darndest to think about a simple human trait with the analytical prowess of a seasoned university professor.

First, where? My eyes scanned the cave and my shaking hand scooped my butthole. That was a bad idea, because I planned to eat and sleep in this cave, which meant I had to release the dam somewhere outside. Poop’s smelly, what if it attracts predators? Fuck, fuck, fuck! Uh… My thoughts were helter-skelter. Wait, I can just cover it up with dirt.

I carefully sprinted outside hoping I wouldn’t attract, I don’t know, a venomous danger noodle or something. With my level of desperation, I chose the nearest bushes, tussled with my robes and trousers, and finally let out the rather audible monster inside me. God, this is embarrassing. But, soon, the crisis was over. Ah, that was good, I can finally go t—

My throat seized up and my heart plummeted. Rather than sweat, tears now washed over my face. Toilet paper… In what was apparently the lowest point of my life, I stared lovingly at the plants next to me and begged for forgiveness. “Your sacrifice will not be in vain.”

I returned to my cave with a clean butt and clear intestines. My greatest and vilest sin was covered with soil I dug up after using the dagger to loosen the dirt. Can this get any worse? I sympathized with myself, ruing the fact that I didn’t even have enough MP to use Clean. Look on the bright side. At least I won’t have to deal with the red sea every month. This still fuckin’ blows though.

I had a rather shitty sleep on the hard ground with just some hides laid out and focused on hunting the second I woke up. My MP was restored, so it looked like sleep helped a lot in that department. Since my survival skills were absolute trash, I had no choice but to try hunting, and luckily, I found a little family of boars. Sure, they could be dangerous, but I figured they’d run instead of fight. My wound was a lot better, so I crouched and kept low, shadowing them until they came to a stop to get a drink of water and splash about in the mud.

A lovely grin crept upon my face. Yes, you fat piggies, I licked my lips, come to mama. I began focusing on my legs, with hopes that a skill would enhance my legs for an extra burst of speed. But papa bear glaring at that delicious pig meat made me calm my tits. Okay, buddy, all yours. No way I was going to tango with a bear.

He eventually sprinted out at one and caught it. Damn, nature. I sighed, but one of the boars suddenly charged to my direction. With my sword held out, it was one of the easiest kills I got. Although, I underestimated its strength and the sword’s hilt came back and hit me in the chest. The boar wiggled a lot and was about to escape even though it was fatally wounded, so in a quick, clumsy attempt, I stabbed one of its hind legs with the dagger.

I threw quick eyes on the bear to make sure it didn’t suddenly develop a taste for human meat, then grabbed the boar by a tusk and an injured leg. The adrenaline pumping through my blood soaked my muscles and I gave my all to lugging that bastard to a safer location. As I got away from the danger zone, I realized just how heavy the boar really was and decided to drag the now dead animal back to the cave.

I looked at the beast. How do I even start? I rocked side to side in thought and chose to boil my muddy buddy, that got rid of the fur. I gutted it after and got rid of as much blood as possible at the water stream. Once that was done, I cast Clean to disinfect it; didn’t want to get some otherworldly parasite in me. As I prepped and cooked it, I wondered how I got into this mess, and what my life would be like after. What do I do? I sat down staring at the boar getting a nice juicy color as he was spit-roasted.

I can use skills now; hope that doesn’t mean I can’t learn strong spells anymore. Ugh, I can’t even make magic powder. I knew I had to start over from nothing, but it felt like an impossible task. Well, I got the grimoire, so I got the info. For now, I focused on the delicious aroma from the boar and finding some sort of human civilization.

After I ate as much of the tasteless boar as I could, I decided to use daylight for travelling. Staying in that cave would be a waste, so I began packing up all the stuff I could use out there in the woods. “Alrighty, that’s about it.” I set out finally, onto the path of, something.

After the first few steps out the cave, I heard a high-pitched scream. What the fuck?!