Adamar

He can’t see, He can’t hear, He can’t smell or taste, and can barely think. There is only pain. Excruciating, endless pain. He is lost in it, drowning in it, being destroyed by it. He can feel it devouring His thoughts as He thinks them. He did something wrong, invested too much of Himself. Now He needs to find something. Finding it will stop the pain. If only He could remember what it is. He opens his mouth and lets out a high pitched keening wail, but He can’t even hear himself.

Time passes, maybe a second, maybe a year. He can’t tell. There is something else out here in the darkness, and the pain. Or maybe it is just His imagination trying to convince Him that He is hearing them. Two voices cutting through the endless silence of His pain.

“What’s happening to him Faladel?!”

“I don’t know! He was fine earlier! Then he just started wailing and I can’t make him stop!”

He stops wailing. He had forgotten he was doing it actually. When one can’t hear themselves it is difficult to tell if they are making noise.

“How do we wake him up!?”

“How should I know?! Wait, he just stopped wailing! Is that good or bad?”

The two voices sound panicked. He doesn’t understand. Are they talking about Him? Are they trying to help stop the pain? Perhaps if they can hear Him, even if they are just voices in His head, they could help Him remember. Maybe He could communicate with them.

Must find something. He says. Help? They don’t seem to hear Him, just keep communicating between themselves.

“Should we take him to the nurses office?”

“But they will ask how he got in this state! It’s past curfew. We are all supposed to be sleeping! And I’m not sure it’s a good idea to try and separate the orb from his hands. What if he starts wailing again?”

They continue to babble stuff. He wonders what He did differently from the wailing. Something went wrong earlier. What are hands? Apparently He has them. Didn’t He have a mouth as well? Yes, He opened it earlier to scream, but not to talk. Maybe if He opens His mouth they will hear Him. He tries it.

“Mus fine ding. Helo.” There is something in the mouth, it feels rather numb, unlike all the pain. He can’t control it correctly to form the right words, but He thinks He got close.

“I think he is trying to say something!” One of the voices says. “I can’t understand it though, do you Briareth?”

“No, perhaps it is some sort of code?”

He tries again. “Must find some… Hilf.” Something felt off again though. Perhaps He should try using other words. “Can’t rememem wha could fine. Please assissisis.”

“Is he asking for our help? Adamar, could you try to enunciate?”

Who is Adamar? He is alone. Perhaps they think He is Adamar? That would be awkward, especially if He isn’t Adamar. Well, He might be Adamar. How should He know?

“Must remmememberrrr some fine. Will stoff pain, will allow thing.”

“Faladel, I think I understand him! He’s asking us to help him remember something that will stop pain and allow something to happen!”

“What does he want us to remember though? Does he have some sort of medicine for this? Wait, if this happened to him, did something go wrong on the mission? Did something also happen to Valkallyn?!”

Valkallyn. That rings a bell. Yes, something happened to her. “Aberraaatttion.” He says slowly. He thinks He is getting the hang of this communication thing, the tongue is difficult to manage though. Wait... Tongue, hands, mouth, these are important to remember, why? A wave of pain makes His mind go blank for ages. He can feel something hard that He is pressed against.

“Adamar! Adamar! Are you okay?!” shouts one of the voices.

“Normally when people are convulsing, they aren’t okay Briareth!” Shouts the other. He feels the strange urge to laugh, then wonders what convulsing means. A definition pops up, but it isn’t for convulsing, it's for convulsions. He remembers it anyway. Muscles spasming, limb jirations. More important words to remember. Are they related to the first words? They should be, aren’t they all a part of a person's body?

Does He have a body? Well, He thinks He was a person once, so He should have a body. Then what was squished by Lyra? Perhaps it was just a temporary body, and now He needs to go back to His other one.

Something has changed since he made that thought. Everything seems more still somehow. The pain from earlier is gone, and now there's only numbness. Is he on the right track? Possibly, but he could also be dying. Don’t people go numb when they die? He can still hear the people talking in the background though, so probably not dead yet if he is dying, are they near his body? Maybe, if he makes an effort to control parts of his body, he will slide back into it. It’s worth a shot at least.

He tries to wiggle his hand, and feels something cool beneath it. He has five phalanges at the end of this hand. He tries to wiggle them as well. Curious. They are on something round.

His hands are really far away from his body, perhaps he can make them come closer to it? After a while, he figures out how, then he learns he has legs as well, and a head, which is where the mouth is. There are things on the ends of his legs as well, but he can’t use them yet.

Eventually he realizes that the two chattering in the background have stopped.

“Adamar what are you doing?” Asks one. He thinks that one is called Faladel.

“Remembering.” He says.

“Hey you said the complete word!” says the other, isn’t his name Briareth? Never mind that though, he just discovered his nose! What a fun word, nose!

“What do you mean remembering?” Asks the one called Faladel.

“I forgot I had a body.” He explains.

“Well wouldn’t the best way to remember be to see everything?” Asks Briareth.

“That makes sense, how do I do that?” He responds.

“Open your eyes of course!” Briareth says.

At his words, something clicks in my head, and I open my eyes, and remember.