I received a call from Saki's mother one day early in February. Saki and I were asleep at the time, so I didn't answer, but I heard the phone chime. She left a voicemail, which I decided to listen to secretly in the bathroom. It's not that I wasn't planning to tell Saki, but I needed to see what her mother said first. I couldn't risk Saki crumbling and returning home. I connected to my voicemail and held the phone tightly to my ear.

"Hello. This is Ms. Katayama." Her words dripped with honey. She sounded like an entirely different person. "This message is for Saki's friend. I very much appreciate you taking care of her for so long. Can you ask her if she'll be coming home soon? I'd really love to see my little girl. I miss her so much. Can you please call me back as soon as possible? Thank you."

I deleted the message. Her words sounded sweet and sincere, but there was something dark hidden in them. It made my skin crawl.

I went back to my room. Saki was still lying in bed, which wasn't unusual. She usually slept in. About the only time I could remember her ever waking up ahead of me is when she'd snuck out in the past.

"Hey, Saki." I nudged her shoulder gently.

"Hmm?" she answered groggily.

"I need to go out for a little bit," I said. "Will you be alright?"

"I'm not a child," she said sleepily.

I pushed the hair out of her face and kissed her forehead before heading out.

It was pretty cold outside. A little bit of early morning frost still clung to the grass. I yawned and stuffed my hands in my coat pockets. I guess it was pretty early for me to be up as well.

I waited until I was several blocks from the house before pulling out my phone and dialing Saki's mother. She picked up after the second ring.

"Hello?" she said.

"Hello. This is Nagase Kaito, Saki's friend."

She paused a moment. Maybe she was expecting a girl. Had the school not been able to reach her after all? Maybe she was just too out of it at the time to remember.

"Thank you for returning my call," she said. "Is Saki with you?"

"She is. We're actually headed over right now. Is that alright?"

"Yes," she said excitedly. "I'll be home. I look forward to meeting you."

"Likewise," I said. "See you soon. Bye."

I hung up the phone before she had a chance to pry into the reason it was me calling and not her daughter.

When I finally arrived at Saki's apartment, I took a deep breath before boldly knocking on the door. Her mother answered quickly, but her face fell when she realized I was the only one standing there.

"Come in," she said, swinging the door open and gesturing inside.

I stepped into the entryway and took my shoes off while she shut the door. The room looked completely different from last time. Everything was clean and tidy. There wasn't a dirty plate or take out container in sight. It was like night and day.

"I'm Nagase Kaito." I bowed. "Nice to meet you."

She returned my bow. "Katayama Miyu. Please sit."

She crossed the living room towards the small kitchen that was only separated by a bar attached to the wall. I took a seat on the floor in front of the coffee table with my legs folded under me. She returned from the kitchen with two cups of hot tea and set one on the table in front of me.

"Thank you," I said and nodded.

She set her cup down and took a seat opposite me. "You did say we on the phone, didn't you?"

"Yes," I said. "I didn't think you'd agree to see me otherwise."

"I see." Her expression darkened. "You have a good reason for lying to me?"

"I do." I took a sip of the tea, not entirely sure it was safe to drink. "I don't want to beat around the bush, so I'll just come out and say it. I don't think this is a good environment for Saki."

She cracked a smile. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I was here the day Saki left."

Realization washed over her face. "You're that boy that was standing in front of the door."

I nodded. "I am."

She laughed softly, then grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the table and taped one loose. "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"

I shook my head. "Not at all. It's your house."

She put the cigarette between her lips and lit it before tossing the lighter to the table. "It's funny you should say that." She took a long drag and tapped the cigarette on an ashtray. "You know Saki is my daughter, don't you? What right do you have to keep her from me?"

My fists clenched on my lap. "As I said, I don't think this is a good environment for her."

She took another drag and exhaled the smoke from her mouth slowly. "You think you can do better?"

"I know I can," I said firmly.

She chuckled. "Tell me, boy, do you have children?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Then you have no idea what you're talking about," she said. "You haven't even got an inkling of the loss I've suffered."

"You're right," I said. "I've never lost anyone so close to me. I cannot imagine the pain you have endured, but Saki has suffered the same pain. She lost her brother. She needs relief just as badly as you do."

"She should have thought of that before she darted out in front of traffic." She tapped her cigarette on the ash tray.

I dug my nails into my palms. "Surely, you realize that was an accident?"

She shrugged. "Whether it was or not, negligence is not an excuse for her actions."

I forced myself to take a deep breath. "I know this is not who you are. Saki told me you used to be a very devoted and caring mother. Years of pain have made you bitter. I used to believe that I could save her, but I realize now that the only words that can reach her are yours. She needs you to forgive her. She needs you to be her mother again."

She rolled her head back and laughed. "My, my, boy. You have it bad, don't you? I suppose you think since she's spread her legs for you that she must have feelings for you." She leaned across the table. "I've got news for you. That girl can't love anyone. She couldn't even cry at her own brother's funeral. She's heartless."

My muscles tightened and my body shook. Was this woman...no. Was this creature sitting across from me really the same one Saki had defended all this time? The same one she was ready to fight for? The same one she had pity on? The same one she had made excuses for?

"You're the heartless one." My voice trembled as I spoke.

She laughed curtly. "You can think whatever you want. Just tell Saki she has to come home now."

It was my turn to laugh. It came out dark and deep. "Like hell I will."

"Excuse me?" She put the butt of her cigarette out.

I stood up quickly, my fists clenched so tightly that my fingernails dug into my palms. "She needs your help. And until you are ready to give that to her, you will not speak to her. As far as I'm concerned, if that was never again, she'd be much better off."

She shot up, slamming her palms on the table. "You will return her to me!"

I went to the door and quickly put on my shoes, ignoring her completely.

"You will return her to me," she repeated loudly.

I opened the door. "Rot in hell, you venomous bitch."

I slammed the door behind me. Something smashed against it seconds after it closed. It was probably a teacup or the ashtray. I stomped down the stairs and away from the apartment building, my fists still clenched.

I stopped several yards away and yelled as loud as I could, then kicked a wall until I was sure my toe was bleeding. I turned around and slumped against the wall, taking several deep breaths to calm myself. Didn't she know that people grieve in different ways? So what if Saki didn't cry? She was obviously hurting. Was she that blind? Didn't she see? Maybe she just didn't want to.

Finally, I made my way home. I was still seeing red, but at least I was pretty sure I wasn't going to punch some stranger for looking at me wrong.

When I got up to my room, Saki was sitting on my bed reading some manga.

"I'm home," I muttered.

"Welcome home," she said. "What have you been up to?"

I rushed to the bed and kissed her several times before hugging her against my chest.

She laughed. "Jeeze. Calm down. You really missed me that much?"

"Saki, I'm so sorry," I whispered.

"Sorry for what?" She pulled back a little to look at my face. "You're being weird, even for you."

I pulled her back into my embrace and squeezed her tighter.

She sighed. "Because that's totally an answer." She wiggled one of her arms free and patted my head. "There, there, Fido. I'm sure you've done nothing to apologize for."

I chuckled. "I'm not sure I like all these dog jokes."

"I'll for sure keep doing them then."

I smiled and gave her a final squeeze before releasing her and moving to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry you had to live like that for so long."

She scooted over next to me. "I assume something brought that on."

I sighed and stared at the cuts in my palms. "Your mom called." I let the sentence hang there. I felt totally drained and the day had barely even started.

"You went there?" she asked.

I nodded. "She wanted you to come too, but I decided to go myself anyway."

"How is she?"

I bit back the words I wanted to say. Who cares? She's scum.

"She's struggling without you, I guess." I said, hating instantly that I had answered honestly. "She said some really terrible things."

Saki nodded. "She does that." She sighed and leaned back on her hands. "She must really be hurting. I guess I should be getting back."

I jerked my head up to look at her. "What? You can't be serious."

She stood up. "This is the longest I've ever been away. She's probably going out of her mind."

"Only because she doesn't have anyone to beat up on," I said. "Let her stew in her own misery."

She looked down and shook her head. "I can't do that. I'm the reason she's like that."

"You aren't, Saki."

"I am," she insisted. "If I hadn't done that-"

I cut her off. "Stop making excuses for her. It was an accident. It’s not your fault. She has no right to treat you that way."

"You have no idea what you're talking about, Kaito." She looked back at me with sad eyes.

Her pain just enraged me even more. I stood up and put myself between her and the door. "I won't let you go back. You told me I was to keep you away no matter what."

She laughed. "What do you plan to do? Tie me down?"

"If I have to." I was dead serious.

"She needs me," Saki said.

"No," I said. "What she needs is to suffer a little."

"Don't talk about her that way." She glared at me. "She's suffered plenty."

"And you haven't? I'm sorry, Saki, but she needs to see that you can't treat people that way, especially not your children. She deserves to be alone."

Saki smiled. "As if you would know how parents are supposed to treat their children."

It stung a little, but I knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to deflect and it wasn't going to work on me.

"You told me once that you two needed to heal apart," I said. "I believe that's true. You being there is not helping her anymore. If she has to destroy herself to heal, then so be it. I don't give a damn about her, but I will do everything I can to help you."

"Even if I hate you for it?"

"If that's what it takes," I said firmly, staring her in the eyes.

Her smile deepened. "Even if I make you hate me?"

"I could never hate you," I said.

"You have no idea what I can do," she said. "I will make you move."

"Do your worst."

"Screw you, Kaito," she said in a low voice. "You and that confidence of yours. You think you can help me? You? The guy who, at the age of sixteen, was already emotionally flat lining? As if you could ever comprehend losing anyone. You barely have anybody to lose."

It felt like she reached into my chest and squeezed my heart. I smiled. "Go on. I know you've got more."

"The number of people who are close to you is pathetic. I can count them on one hand. Two parents who don't give a shit if you live or die, one friend who only started talking to you in the first place because he felt bad for you..." she hesitated.

She squeezed my heart harder, but I kept right on smiling. "Don't stop. You're a monster. You'll destroy me, remember? Come on."

"And a girl who doesn't even love you back."

There it was, the inevitable truth spoken out loud. That rejection I feared so much. It hurt worse than I thought it would. As if she'd ripped the beating thing from my chest and shown it to me.

Even so, I didn't move from my spot at the door. She wasn't smiling anymore. The sadness returned to her face and she slumped to the floor. I walked over and kneeled in front of her.

"Do you really think I could hate you?" I pulled her against me and kissed the top of her head.

"Are you really going to comfort me?" She kept her head down so I couldn't see her face. "After all those things I said to you..."

"Did you think I wouldn't?" I kissed her head again.

She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed as though her life depended on it. "I knew you would, which makes what I did so much worse."

You might think this event deterred me. That it slowed me down or made me question what I was doing. That maybe I behaved differently towards her, even loved her less. You'd be wrong.

Her attitude changed towards me after that, but I didn't let that last more than a few days. I refused to let her push me away. I came on just as strong, if not stronger. Soon we were back to our normal routine, whatever normal was those days. It's not that my life had been so twisted as to think this relationship was normal. I fully realized how unhealthy and toxic it was. Did that make me all the more sick for continuing with it anyway? Probably, but I don't regret a second of it.

At the end of the month, Saki went to go see her father. She intended to get his consent to rent an apartment and was fairly certain he'd cooperate since he felt like he owed her. I offered to go with her, but she insisted on going herself. I suppose she had a point. That's a lot for a guy to take in one day. He hadn't seen her in years. Having me around would only complicate things. How would that introduction go anyway? "Hello, Mr. Higoshi. You remember your daughter who you haven't spoken to since she was in middle school and remember as being a little girl? Well, I'm shacking up with her." Seemed like a pretty good way to end up in an early grave.

In March, graduation day came. A day, for most students, filled with that bittersweet feeling of leaving friends and classmates behind to go on to a future of new and better things. I always thought when that day came for me I'd never feel much of anything, but as we walked around the school that day, the last chill of winter in the air, I was filled with gnawing anxiety and crushing depression.

My time with Saki was coming to an end. I didn't think I could hate a day more in my entire life. Then the day came when I had to put Saki on a train headed towards her new apartment, and it turns out I was wrong about graduation day.

I reminded her that morning before we'd even left the house that she didn't have to go. She told me, as she had the hundreds of times before, that she did. So, there we stood on the platform. My whole chest felt tight. I'd been struggling to breathe since the second I'd woken up and it was getting worse every minute.

She was in the process of saying her goodbyes to Hiromasa and Miyasoto while I stood back a few paces, staring numbly at the three of them. The whole thing felt unreal, like I wasn't really there at all.

"You behave yourself." Saki stuck her hand through Hiromasa's hair and swished it around.

"Jeeze." He tried to smooth it back into place. "I thought we were over that."

Miyasoto giggled and stepped forward, pulling Saki into a hug. "Call us the second you have a phone." She stepped back and smiled.

Saki nodded. "I will." She turned towards me. "Well, I guess this is it."

I couldn't say anything. I wasn't sure I could speak at all. I think if I opened my mouth, I might've just started screaming until what little breath was left in my lungs was gone.

Miyasoto tapped Hiromasa on the shoulder.

"Hm?" He looked at her, clearly confused.

She titled her head in our direction.

"Oh," Hiromasa stretched out the word. "Right."

Miyasoto and Hiromasa both waved as they left. It didn't help. I still stood staring at her silently. The train pulled up behind her. My heart starting racing and my chest tightened further.

She hugged me and put her lips to my ear. "Thank you for everything, Kaito. You are the best person I have ever known." She pulled away and turned to get on the train.

I reached out to her. "Saki, I..."

I love you. Stay with me. The words got stuck in my throat. What good would they do me now? She knew I loved her and she knew I wanted her to stay. There was nothing left for me to say. There was no way to keep her with me. I dropped my hand.

"Saki, I'll miss you." I said, on the verge of tears.

She smiled gently. "Don't be an idiot. It's only two hours away. We'll see each other again." She pressed her lips against mine one last time.

I hated that kiss. It felt all wrong.

Then she got on the train and was gone, leaving me on that platform to suffocate all alone.