What does it feel like to be alone?

A few claim to know, but most never really get it right.

In this world, true loneliness is something that can’t ever be achieved… At least, that’s what I believe.

You might think you’ve experienced it before, you might think you’ve felt it before, but you’re wrong. That lonely, hollow feeling that sometimes creeps up on you, it may feel like loneliness, but it’s not. It’s a momentary sensation, a temporary pain. Does it even qualify as pain? Probably not.

If loneliness was something so petty and superficial, then it wouldn’t be loneliness.

It’s not something that you can casually complain about during a quiet Sunday night. Just because you have nobody to hang out with during the holidays, that doesn’t give you the right to suddenly declare yourself a loner. That’s not how it works.

Loneliness is something more… intense. It’s a heart wrenching, visceral pain that gnaws at your soul and stabs at your heart. It’s something that you can’t just shake off after talking to a few people. It sticks with you, like a stubborn ghost or a midsummer cough.

Dark, brooding, stuffy, and repulsive. That’s what loneliness is.

At least, that’s my interpretation of it anyway.

As for me, I’ve never experienced it either. After all, I’m nothing special. The hollowness that I sometimes feel, the numbing chill in my heart, even if I want to call that true loneliness, it’s not. Not really. That’s not something for me to decide. It’s not something that I want to decide.

Still, if I say I’m not lonely, then I’m not lonely. It’s that sort of concept.

So, even if I feel like the loneliest man on earth, if I don’t acknowledge that loneliness, then I’m not really lonely.

Simple, right?

Besides, it’s not like I’ve lied or anything. From my perspective, I’m not actually alone.

Every day, there are people all around me. The guys in my classroom, the strangers that I pass by on the street, even my two estranged parents that live in the same house but sleep in different rooms, they are all people that I see on a day to day basis. I don’t really interact with any of them, but they’re still there nonetheless.

It’s why I think true loneliness can’t ever be achieved here on Earth. There are simply too many people. No matter where you go, no matter what city you’re in, there’s always someone around.

Even hermits that reside deep within the mountains are not exempt from this truth. They might live in isolation, but they’re not lonely. Human relationships are easily replaceable. Even without it, you can still talk to the birds or sing to the trees. Those guys might not respond back, but that attempt at communication is enough. It’s definitely more than enough.

Still, I’m not completely pig-headed nor am I immune to the negative emotions that plague mankind’s collective consciousness.

You’re all alone. Stop denying it. Nobody likes you, nobody even knows you exist. There’s no shame in admitting it.

Being a loner, isn’t it fine?

Sometimes, those sorts of thoughts fill my head.

To be honest, it’s a big pain in the ass. In my eyes, they’re nothing more than unwanted mood swings. I wish I could control them, I wish I could make them stop, but I can’t. They have this magical way of crawling under my skin and ruining my entire day.

What’s more, there’s no rhyme or reason to these thoughts. Sometimes, they come when I’m at home and nobody else is around. Other times, they spontaneously show up while I’m walking along a crowded street or standing in line at the cash register or something.

I’m hesitant to admit it, but they do bother me. It’s not at the level of a mental breakdown, but sometimes, it feels dangerously close to one.

Fortunately, I’m strong. Well, stubborn would probably be a bit more accurate. I’m too stubborn to admit it.

In the first place, there’s nothing for me to admit.

I’m not lonely.

The constant hum of my PC, the occasional squeaking of the ceiling fan, even the slight sound of the house settling, even if I don’t have anyone, I’m not alone. I’m never alone.

So, whatever bullshit I’m feeling, it’s not loneliness. Even if it was some form of loneliness, it’s not the soul-crushing ache of true loneliness. Instead, it’s the half-backed loneliness that most other people mistake for true loneliness. No more, no less. This is the most I’m willing to concede on this topic.

In hindsight, it’s pretty stupid.

If you feel lonely, why not just make friends?

Unfortunately, reality isn’t so simple. Just because you make something sound easy, doesn’t actually mean that it is easy. At least, not for me, it is.

I’m just that type of person.

It gets pretty troublesome sometimes, but hey, I’ve managed to live my life with this sort of personality for eighteen consecutive years, so it can’t be that bad, right? At the very least, I’m still alive. At the end of the day, isn’t that what really matters?

Of course, I’m not a monk. I may not be lonely, but even I can’t help but desire human interaction every now and then. In fact, it’s partly why I’m in this mess right now.

A heavy sigh leaked out from my slightly parted lips as I stared up at the sky with squinted eyes.

There was not a single cloud amidst the vast canvas of blue that existed above my head. Instead, a ball of blistering white light glared down from up above like God’s all-seeing eye. The sun’s vengeful wrath delivered with it waves of torrid heat.

Today was a bright and sunny day. Most people would have called it perfect, but I hated it.

It was not that I did not know how to appreciate the beauty of a clear sky, but rather, I was just too used to the comforts of my own bedroom. Cool, dark places were kind of my thing.

Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead. A trace of red dyed my cheeks. My back felt damp and soggy. Did the sweat seep through my shirt? No, that was a stupid question. It most certainly did seep through my shirt.

A slight worry bubbled up within my heart. Right now, I was wearing a plain grey T-shirt. There was nothing really impressive about it, but speaking from experience, sweat stains were awfully visible on these types of colored shirts.

The last thing I wanted was to have a visible patch of sweat on my back.

“…”

Was there a patch of sweat on my back?

I really wanted to check, but at the same time, I was too scared to check.

“Why the hell am I here again?” Another sigh leaked out from my lips. It was probably the fifteenth one within the last five minutes.

Fortunately, nobody was around to hear my quiet ramblings.

Right now, I was sitting at a picnic table. Despite the fact that the table was large enough to accommodate at least sixteen people, there was nobody else here but me.

Wasn’t that a bit weird?

Isn’t this supposed to be a cookout? Aren’t we supposed to intermingle with one another? Why was I the only one alone?

Even if I complain, nothing will come of it.

In the first place, I really had nobody to blame but myself. For someone like me, being antisocial was almost second nature. It reached a point where I was almost convinced that a witch had cast a curse on me back when I was a baby. Unfortunately, even after asking my father, my birth had a distinct lack of rickety old hags with broomsticks.

Still, since it was my graduation, I had half-expected for something to change. Not at all to my surprise, the reality of the situation was disappointing. Even now, I was still alone.

I wanted to laugh, but I lacked the energy to do so. Instead, a bitter frown stretched my lips. My eyes drifted off to the distance.

The site we were currently on was nestled within a small clearing. A line of evergreen trees dotted my left peripheral. I think they might have been Birch, maybe Maple. I wasn’t really sure. On my right was a river. The water’s surface was clear, almost transparent. Finally, located a little bit further away from the trees, there was a small trail that led to the Visitor’s center.

Overall, it was quite the scenic location. I can only give my props to the planning committee for actually finding such a place.

The cookout took place by a shallow river bed.

A layer of tiny pebbles dotted the ground around the campsite. They were slick with water and a bit painful to walk on. Fortunately, most everyone here elected to keep their shoes on, so it wasn’t much of an issue.

I had already procured my food quite a while ago. It mainly consisted of a hamburger and some grilled vegetables. The food was subpar at best. More than half of it was burned, but I really didn’t find that surprising. With how often those self-proclaimed ‘grill masters’ left their post in order to play around, a burnt bell pepper every now and then was only to be expected.

Of course, I wasn’t really interested in the food. From the looks of things, the others probably didn’t care either.

Most of today’s participants were gathered around the river bank.

The smell of barbeque filled my nostrils, while the sound of laughter and cheerful shouting resonated through the humid air.

A few students were currently playing a game of volleyball, an admittedly admirable feat, considering how uneven the terrain here was. Others chose instead to go for a swim. The river’s cold water was certainly a good way to keep cool, especially considering the day’s weather. Still, there were a sparse few who decided to embrace the heat, instead of running away from it. They crowded around the grill. Without a doubt, they were the noisiest of the bunch.

All in all, it made for a picturesque scene. Just imagine, an entire class’s worth of youthful graduates enjoying life without reservation. Even though the future ahead was uncertain, they would no doubt face it with stride.

Then there was me. I was physically here, but I was definitely not a part of their happy little get-together.

I habitually lowered my gaze and shook my head.

… It’s not that I was jealous, but rather, what the hell am I even doing?

I just graduated high-school two days ago. Even though it wasn’t mandatory, I even went out of my way to attend the graduation ceremony. I walked up to the stage, shook hands with the principal and received my diploma. As far as most people were concerned, that should have been the end of my high-school career. There was supposed to be nothing else after that.

Right now, I should be at home, sitting in a cool bedroom with a computer monitor in front of my face or a game controller firmly in my hands. It really didn’t make sense. There was nothing more enjoyable than lazing around and wasting my summer doing random shit, yet here I was.

“Stuck in this godforsaken place…”

I breathed out another sigh.

Ashlea National Park. It was the fifth largest National Park west of the Mississippi. It was roughly about an hour’s drive from the city. I had to borrow my Father’s old pickup in order to get to this place.

Truth be told, the drive over wasn’t really worth it. At least, not for me, it was.

Now, I’m not really much of a nature guy. I can understand those that do like this sort of thing, but I certainly wasn’t one of them. For one, I don’t particularly enjoy getting my skin nipped at by a bunch of bugs and insects.

“I really should have just stayed home…” As such a thought entered my head, my eyes subconsciously wandered over to a certain person.

She was a girl with bright blonde hair and a loveable smile. Right now, this person was playing in the water. Her pale-pink bikini glistened under the sunlight. As expected of someone who ran for Track, the girl had an amazing figure.

Wasn’t it all because of her?

Amanda Welly. Everyone knew who she was. Calling her popular was an understatement. She was practically the golden child of high school.

Secretary of the Student Council, an active volunteer at the local soup kitchen, and a scholarship recipient with a full ride to MIT. Smart, athletic, and an overall good person. With her dimpled smile and vivid blue eyes, practically all the guys in school had a crush on her. As for me? Well, that’s better left unsaid.

She was the one who invited me.

Of course, I’m not delusional. I don’t harbor any fanciful thoughts of getting together with her. A rose-colored school life filled with laughter and love wasn’t something meant for me. In the first place, my mandatory time at school was already up!

Her and I, we live in two completely different worlds.

I ate all my lunches in the restroom and went directly home every time after school ended. I made sure to study extra hard for my exams, just so my grades wouldn’t suffer too much whenever I skipped out on the class presentations. I purposely sped up whenever someone walked behind me. I stopped responding to texts and calls purely because I no longer receive any.

I, compared to her, I’m just some nobody.

Amanda was like a scorching ball of fiery passion. She was someone who lived a bright high-school life and probably had an even brighter future ahead of her.

All I had was a hobby that was going nowhere fast. I wanted to eventually make something out of that hobby, but the stuff I put out… none of it showed any results.

Our only connection was the fact that we had the same homeroom.

For a person like me, even if she did invite me out of courtesy, why the hell did I still go?

“…”

I continued to watch her from a distance. After a while, I noticed that I was unknowingly staring, and not in that innocent lovestruck sort of way. From an outsider’s perspective, I probably looked a lot like a crazy stalker. I gritted my teeth and decisively turned my head.

A soft sigh leaked out from my lips. How many sighs did that make in total now?

“None of this shit matters!” I muttered to myself with a bitter expression on my face. “Stop caring so much. After today, I won’t ever see her again. For that matter, all these people too, I probably won’t ever see them again for the rest of my life. After today, we’ll be total strangers. Even before then, they already were total strangers!”

Instead of focusing on all the stuff that causes my stress levels to spike, I decided to just enjoy this cookout in my own special way.

“I’ll eat all the fucking food here! I’ll keep going until my belly bloats up like a water balloon! Hehe, these idiots probably spent hundreds on all this shit. Too bad for them, it’s all gonna go straight to my stomach!”

With those words reverberating through my skull, I stuffed a roasted bell pepper into my mouth. It tasted like ashes and charcoal, but I persevered nonetheless.

****

Well, despite what I said, things didn’t exactly go the way I originally planned it…

“Hey, Holden! What are you doing out here all by yourself?” A bell-like voice suddenly called out to me.

My shoulders subconsciously stiffened. I slowly turned my head, only to see someone walking towards me.

“…!?”

It was a familiar face. Amanda’s to be exact.

Less than five minutes after I made that self-righteous decision and already, this person was here. I didn’t even notice her leave the river. Did she overhear me? Maybe read my mind? Morse code? Just what the hell was going on?

Amanda had a towel wrapped around her waist, but it did little to hide the rest of her body. Droplets of water clung to her skin, stubbornly refusing to let go. Her blonde hair was still a bit damp and scraggly, but I didn’t mind the look. In fact, I think it made her look even better.

She walked towards me with a graceful gait. There was somebody else alongside her, but right now, I could hardly care.

I swallowed down a mouthful of saliva and forcibly removed my wandering eyes. For a moment, I did not know what to say.

“Holden?” Amanda tilted her head to the side and glanced up at me with upturned eyes. As she leaned her body closer, a faint floral scent invaded my nose. I’ll admit it, in that instant, my heart skipped a beat.

“I, I just… I ate a lot, so… I, I wanted to digest the food first.” I frantically stammered out, lowering my head in the process.

A split second later, and I inwardly cursed myself.

Idiot! Stupid! Why did you lower your head?! Isn’t this just a normal conversation? Where’s your pride as a man?

“Is that so…” Amanda hesitated with her words. After a short pause, she let out a soft chuckle. “Well, I’m glad that you’re having fun. Anthony’s the one that cooked all the food. He’s pretty good, right?”

He made this shitty slop? Is that bastard trying to poison me?

Of course, I didn’t actually say any of that. Instead, I gave a rigid nod. “R-right. He’s suuuuuuper good...”

“If you want more, then I can get you some.” She responded with a beaming smile on her face.

“N, no! That’s fine, I’m fine. I, I’m good for now, so there’s really no need.”

“Is that so?” She reflexively glanced down at my half-empty plate. Her eyes were particularly drawn to the bell peppers. Aside from the first one that I ate, all of them were still intact. “Do you not like peppers?”

“No, that’s not the case, really!”

She stared at me with a hint of amusement in her eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but…

“Amanda, come on!” Just then, someone called out to her.

Amanda slightly craned her neck back and looked over towards the riverbed. She responded, “I’ll be there in a sec!” She then turned back around to face me. An apologetic smile twisted her full lips. “I’m sorry, I have to go. It was nice talking to you though.”

I hurriedly nodded my head in response. A little bit of regret and a little bit of relief seeped into my heart.

“Well then, bye!” With that, the school’s former most popular girl left with a skip in her step.

After watching her go, I breathed out a long-abated sigh that I did not even know I was holding.

Despite how brief the conversation had been, I still ended up floundering over myself. A few seconds after the incident and I was already reliving no small amounts of shame and embarrassment. I want to say that I could have done better with a bit more time and preparation, but honestly, that probably wouldn’t have helped. It irritated me, but this was pretty much normal for me.

In the first place, I wasn’t one for social interaction. It was only natural for me to get flustered, especially with a hurdle as high as Amanda. Heck, even if you switch it out for somebody else, the results would have probably still been the same.

Another sigh leaked out from my lips. I fiercely jabbed at a piece of bell pepper with my plastic fork. The pepper slipped, but after a second try, I finally caught it. It wasn’t much, but it was my own little way of releasing stress. Just as I was about to do the unholy task of putting this pepper into my mouth, I suddenly noticed something within my peripheral. I immediately looked up.

“…”

“…”

What the hell?

Someone was staring at me. What’s more, they were ridiculously close.

Should I… should I say something?

The person in question was none other than Amanda’s friend. She was a girl with short brown hair and a sizeable bust. I had been so overwhelmed by Amanda’s sheer presence, that it took me quite a while to even notice her friend standing next to her.

And for some odd reason, she did not leave with Amanda. Instead, she was staring straight at me.

Lily… or was it Leonor? I don’t really remember, just that, it was a name that started with an L. She was kind of like Amanda’s lackey. Of course, most people would probably prefer the term ‘best friend’.

How long has she been standing there? It felt like forever, but it was probably no more than fifteen seconds. Still, why the hell was she staring? The fact that she was silent throughout only made it creepier. Under the scrutiny of her gaze, even I felt a little bit uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but squirm around in my seat.

What does this girl want?

Why is she staring at me?

When will she stop?

All these questions were sadly left unanswered. At the very least, this girl provided no answers. She was as silent as a mouse.

Just as I was about to say something, the girl suddenly opened her mouth and spat out a single word.

“Gross.”

With that, she let out an audible scoff, turned around, and walked back over to the river bed.

“…”

As for me, I stood there in stunned silence. The crooked smile on my face appeared stiff and rigid. It even twitched a couple of times.

What… what just happened? Did she just call me gross? Why?

It was only one word, but the power contained within that one word was enormous.

Gross… gross… gross, gross, gross…

Yeah, I can see it. I am pretty gross.

I lowered my head and dropped my shoulders. I stared at the plate of half-finished food in front of me. It was almost like looking at a mirror. Gross.

I grabbed another bell pepper and stuffed it into my mouth. Tasteless.

“…”

Five minutes later, I got up and left.