“Were you close?” Valerie asked, she was seated so close to me I could smell the flora scent of her perfume. I stared straight ahead, eyes fixated on the alter where Leonora will soon lay but out of the corner of my eye I could see her round blue ones staring up at awe at me.

“Only a little” I replied

“My sister was more her friend than I but I grew up with her in my life. I always use to think she was a film star of sorts with her wavy hair and long lashes. I think she could of became one if she wanted to. She was so glamourous!”

I smiled faintly at this, reminiscing of the night I first saw her at the Halloween party. Indeed, she was like something out of the talkies, her pearly white skin void of any blush or blemishes, almond eyes the color of a bed of moss. Black velvet gloves covered her elbows like a true elegant film star. I knew that night she was the one; but distant would keep us apart. The only reason I was down to this part of the country was because I was visiting an aunt from my mother's side of the family. Her son – my cousin – insisted on taking me to that Halloween party. At first, I refused as I’m not usually someone who enjoys raucous parties but he insisted that I went. I suppose now I 'am grateful for this as I met the only woman I will ever love there.

“She was, wasn’t she?”

It was quite a surprise I’ll admit when I got that invite down to England from relatives I had never heard from since my childhood. I suppose I had grown up and was now doing rather well for myself as I had started my medical training earlier last year. She was a lovely lady and was rather handsome and reminded me of my mother before her passing. Hay the mellow yellow of a hay bale and skin tanned from long days gardening in the viscous heat of summers. I imagined my mother whenever I saw her and it comforted me to think that I had someone close to resemble her in my life. I should remember to visit her when I can....

“My sister was devastated when she died, she’s sitting down the front closer to the alter, we can move down if you want, we’re rather lonesome back here.”

“Thank you but I’m actually fine just sitting here by myself.”

“Are you sure?” Disappointment flooded her eyes as I said this. I did feel rather bad declining but I wanted to be by myself.

“I’m pretty sure. I’m rather a private mourner, don’t like too much of a crowd”

“Well, in that case,” she said cheerfully, hooking an arm through mine and snuggling suddenly up against my side; chin resting against my arm. “I’ll mourn privately alone with you too”

Apart of me winced inside out of minor irritation as a second arm came through and attached itself to mine. But a part of me felt soothed from the physical contact even though it was inappropriate behavior at a funeral. I decided in the end that no harm can come from receiving a little bit of sympathy. But still my heart shall remain – and only – to Leonora.

Then, in the stone-cold church, organ music suddenly boomed against the walls and filled the dreadful atmosphere. A whole crowd of black- dressed mourners rose to their feet and turned their gaze to the back of the church. I twisted my neck to the back and saw with a heavy heart Leonora’s coffin being paraded into the church. White lilies, baby pink carnations rested on top of her as grey-skinned men ill from grief carried her on their slumped shoulders; heads bowed in respect. Suddenly it was like the room filled with blackness and only Leonora and her pallbearers were visible in the pitch-black canvas I was suddenly caught in. A large, ball of air got lodged in my throat and filled my lungs with pain, spreading to my chest and expanding every second till I felt like a balloon ready to pop. I cried for days in my room when I heard of Leonora's passing but the weeping prepared me in a strange way to make the journey to her home village and pay my respects and say my final goodbyes. But nothing could prepare me for the sight of her coffin being carried into the church and being placed on the alter. Tears, fresh, hot tears blurred the world around me and ran down my cheeks onto my suit. I had to take a handkerchief and wipe them away but it didn’t stop this inner desire to wail, to scream out of frustration, rage and misery. It began to suffocate me, becoming more and more bloated as it pressed against my ribs and crush my heart, clawing its way into my throat, reaching up, desperate to get out.

“Ruben” A meek whisper came from my side accompanied by those wide eye kitten eyes belonging to Valerie. "Are you ok?”

Against that ghastly desire to scream and bawl, I managed only slightly to utter the words

“I need some air” And I truly did. I sprinted out of that church quicker than a greyhound at the tracks, pass the headstones and pass the graveyard wall and onto the street. Vomit spurted from my mouth and onto the gravel below, forming a sickly yellow puddle by my feet. My eyes and nose stung and a sour taste hung at the back of my throat and tongue. It was in my nose. I blew it away and the taste became stronger than soured milk. I collapsed back against the churchyard wall, feeling light headed and woozy, repulsed with myself for acting in such a way at a loved one's funeral.

“I’m sorry Leonora” I whispered, my mouth coated heavily in saliva “I truly am”