~ Chapter 19 ~

“One last test, Searcher. We have to be sure, to try everything.” Wars’ voice was eager as he held tight to the scythe, looking like an angel of death with his dark clothing, with those bright and eager eyes. “The One will appear soon, I’m sure of it. They can’t ignore us forever. And, once we’re sure of you, we can send you right into their midst. There will be nothing they can do to stop us. Just one more test.”

Just one more.

One more way to measure my limits, my strength.

One more way to try and kill me, to be sure the last time—the bomb or the fire or the drowning or the chemicals—weren’t a fluke. That there wasn’t something specific, like a blade, which could do the job the other elements could not.

“Are you ready?” Wars prepared the scythe, eager to sweep its blade, to have his answers and his perfect weapon. The faintest hint of darkness crept into his bright gaze, and his grin faltered. “You won’t disappoint me, right? You’re too strong for that. Too committed.” I could see the bright gleam return, a sense of ownership in it.

I wondered when we’d stopped being friends. When he had started looking at me as a tool he could use. When the look in his eyes had changed.

Had he always been this person?

Did it matter?

I had to do this.

Not just for Wars, not just for the Uni. Maybe for none of them. Maybe only for me.

I feared the answer far more than I feared that scythe. Was desperate for it, even.

I just wanted to know.

I was afraid.

Terrified.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was coming apart at the seams. The possibilities hung over me like a wraith.

“Do it.” My voice sounded hollow, as if somewhere inside, I had died when my body couldn’t manage to do so.

I didn’t take a breath as Wars swung straight for my neck—

—-

——-

———-

——-

—-

“—Wars!”

The cry was muffled—no, it was loud. It reached me as I regained sight, the skin on my head rippling, my vision adjusting as everything in and outside of my skull regrew itself.

“Are you insane? What have you done?” Sparrow wrenched the scythe from his brother’s grip, horror written on his dark features as Wars threw his head back, splattered by my blood, and laughed.

That laughter echoed throughout the open training room, but I only had eyes for the scythe—for the weapon that had cleaved my head from my body, the weapon that should have stolen my life.

“You really are amazing, Searcher!” Wars crooned as Sparrow clutched the scythe, eyes wide in anguish, features twisted in grief. Wars rushed forward to grip at my shoulders, shaking me as he cried, “Don’t you see? It’s true! You really can’t die! This world is ours. All we have to do is reach out and grasp it!”

“Reach out and grasp it?” Sparrow threw the scythe to the ground, and Wars’ expression darkened at the clattering sound. “Is this what you’ve been doing, brother? Those—those Typpe attacks, were they...you?” Sparrow didn’t pause to wait for a confirmation. “How could you? This isn’t what we wanted! This isn’t equality or peace! And now you’re—you’re trying to turn Soul into a monster?”

Wars opened his mouth again and laughed.

No—

That wasn’t his laugh, was it?

The thread that had tugged at me before, that had always tugged at me, snapped in half as I realized I was the one laughing.

But it was funny.

“What do you mean, Sparrow?” The laughter stopped only long enough for me to speak. “What else would you call someone who can’t die but a monster?”

Wars’ shook me again, the grin he wore nearly swallowing his face. “You’re not a monster, Searcher—you’re a god.”

A god?

Right.

A god of terror.

I had killed all those people, put all their blood on my hands—and now it felt as if I had absorbed their life, unable to die even under the most extreme of circumstances, even though our experiments had begun before we started the killings.

We had tried everything to destroy me, and I had to laugh about it. Weapons. Poisons. Elements. None of it could touch me. No matter how decimated my body was, it always returned. From thin air, it returned, as if the afterlife were rejecting my soul, reinventing my body just to keep me on Earth. I always came back, fresh and new. I continued to cheat death, and it was so funny.

I was so terrified.

I was so ashamed of what I had become.

I had never wanted to die more than I did now—

But I couldn’t.

My worst nightmare had come true.

I heard the thread inside of me snap again and again, but every time it pulled itself back together.

Not even insanity could save me.

I stared at Eve’s brother, at Shoulder Sun, himself a miniature solar flare, and my inescapable terror resurfaced.

Everything around him was burning, was turning to ash, and yet he was fine. Of course he was. Our abilities obeyed us, were part of us, yet they had a strange mind of their own. As if exerting their will to exist in this world, they protected us from ourselves—from being destroyed by them. In every other circumstance, our abilities reacted to our emotions, but in the rare cases where we wanted to use them to harm ourselves, they refused.

Was that why I couldn’t die?

Was that why I had to see this horror?

Or was it because I needed to pay recompense for the lives I had taken?

“Soul, please end it! Please!” Shoulder Sun knew I was there, and so he called out to me. Ever since Wars had discovered my inability to die, we had spent every waking moment devoted to honing my regenerative abilities. Now, Should Sun’s solar flare could burn me like a day without sunscreen, but do little else—and he knew it.

“Please! I can’t take this any more. I can’t—I can’t keep it under control.” It had taken the death of our friend Roaring for Shoulder Sun to regain enough control to utter these words, but I could see him slipping again.

What could I do? If I incapacitated him, this would happen again when he awoke, because he had broken; it had happened quite a few times, though not to this degree. We couldn’t betray the Conscious and leave; there were Uni to fight for, weren’t there? And no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t seem to help him. I couldn’t even help myself.

There was no escape.

Not for me.

But for Shoulder Sun—

He could die when I couldn’t.

He could escape the clutches of the Conscious, of Wars.

He could be at peace.

So I—

I was pulled from Shoulder Sun, just on the cusp of using my power to free him, to end his suffering. I shivered as his exploding warmth gave way to a chilling cold that gnawed at my bones, momentarily disorienting. But I couldn’t allow it to stop me. I had to finish this. I had to—

“Ivy!”

A voice sounded in my mind, rooting me back in the reality I had escaped.

With a jolt, that reality returned, stealing me from the depths of Satsuya’s memories, bleeding them from my mind’s canvas. My eyes were clouded, but I blinked the tears away, a sob escaping as I shook. My legs had already collapsed beneath me, Icy Eve’s frozen grass stabbing through my leggings. Yuuki’s hand was still on my arm, her grip tight, but I barely felt it.

Even though I had been transported to the past, the rest of the scene remained the same—exactly the same, as if no time had passed between when I’d fallen into Satsuya’s memories and now. Snow still swirled, Icy Eve’s eyes burning with pain and anger as Satsuya stood beside her, struggling under the weight of what he was about to tell her about her brother’s death—

I had seen it. Or what lead up to it, anyway. And now I understood.

But I didn’t know what to do with that understanding. How should I feel? Could I forgive Satsuya for what he had done in the past? Could I learn to see past it? Did I have any right to offer ‘forgiveness’, anyway?

This situation was far more complex than I had imagined.

And, right or wrong, a tear streaked down my cheek as I thought—Satsuya, I’m sorry.

I didn’t like what he had done any more than he did, but I didn’t know how to fully process it right now. I didn’t know if I would have done anything differently if I were in his shoes. I couldn’t imagine being in his shoes, though I had seen some of his memories secondhand.

What I did know, however, was that I had felt his heart through his memories. I had absorbed his pain and fear as he’d suffered again and again until it became my own.

I could see that suffering now, too, when I looked at him. It was softer than it had been—not dulled by age, I didn’t think, but tempered by that calm he clung to, because I had a feeling he was afraid of feeling anything too strongly, unsure of what it might do to him.

“Eve, the truth is...the Conscious transformed from a group that wished for change to an organization that was willing to commit heinous acts to get its way, and your brother couldn’t take it.” Satsuya didn’t look at anyone as he spoke—maybe he couldn’t. And in turn, Icy Eve could only stare at him, snow thickening as a layer of frost began to form over her dark skin.

Satsuya shook his head, and I wondered if he was replaying the same memory I had seen. “But by then, we couldn’t fathom a life outside of the Conscious. I watched, unable to help, as Shoulder Sun began to lose his mind. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore. And then one day...his powers erupted, and what he feared most occurred: he hurt one of us.”

“Roaring.” The title fell heavy from Icy Eve’s trembling lips, and I felt Yuuki’s grip on me tighten once more.

I had to wonder if she’d seen Roaring’s death in her brother’s memories, if she was seeing it now. I didn’t want to picture it, but I did—Shoulder Sun decimating his comrade without meaning to, his friend swallowed by a miniature sun.

I closed my eyes before the vision could go too far, the terrible taste of blood already in my mouth from where I’d bitten my tongue.

When I opened my eyes, the tunnel vision from before returned. Maybe it was my mind trying to put some distance between me and what was before me, protecting me from further shock.

Satsuya gripped at his chest as if he had a gaping wound. “That day, I tried to stop Sun, but I couldn’t—not without killing him. His powers were raging, so out of control that nothing could break through. Nothing except me. I hesitated, even when Roaring’s blood soaked the floor. Even when your brother couldn’t get his powers under control. Even when he begged me to end him. But...” Satsuya lowered his head, shaking, “...I couldn’t hesitate forever, Eve. He was suffering!”

My tunnel vision narrowed, blocking out the growing snow and the ice and the winter that was gathering around Icy Eve, threatening to seal her in. My gaze fixed on the suffering Uni beside her, and I stretched my arm out, fingers reaching, as if I could close the distance between us.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The tunnel vision broadened as Icy Eve howled in pain. “I’ve hated you all this time. I’ve longed for revenge. But you were only trying to—and I wasn’t even there to help him!” She buried her face in her hands, ice clawing up her body, large crystals of it jutting from the ground as spikes to surround her.

Satsuya jumped back to avoid the onslaught. “Eve!” He called, but it seemed she could no longer hear him.

“I couldn’t help my own brother. And now he’s gone. Why am I still here?” She sobbed, wintry tears flowing as more ice crystals jutted from the ground, building atop their forebears to encase Icy Eve in a diamond of cold.

“Why?” She cried out, voice finding us through the ice—and suddenly I could see clearly once more.

“Why? Why was she taken?”

I had sobbed words like that, too, once upon a time.

Somewhere in my heart, I was still sobbing them. I could feel them weighing me down, casting a dark shadow over everything that I did.

I hadn’t wanted to see it before, but I saw it now. And as I saw that part of myself, I saw Icy Eve more clearly.

She isn’t a villainess at all—she’s a person who’s grieving!

“Satsuya!” Despite any misgivings, I rushed to the Uni’s side, fighting the winter wind whipping out from the ice diamond engulfing Eve. “We have to help her, or her grief is going to swallow her whole!”

Satsuya turned his eyes to me, fully displayed desperation in them—and fear, as if he knew what I had seen. “Ivy, she’s out of control!” He shouted over the growing wind. “If we don’t stop her, this whole town will suffer!” He didn’t mention the fact that surely someone had noticed the freakish change in weather, and had no doubt called the police and requested a hero—and if they hadn’t, they would soon.

Time was against us, but I didn’t want this story to turn out like Shoulder Sun’s. I didn’t want Satsuya to have to suffer making another decision like that. Still, the cold was intensifying, crawling out of every crack in the pavement beneath us, the wind chilling me to the bone. If this kept up, Eve would freeze everything in the vicinity—including us. But, just like with her brother, I doubted anything (but Satsuya) would be able to break through the onslaught her abilities had formed.

I didn’t understand much about where the Uni’s powers came from, but I knew their emotions were connected, fueling those abilities to the point where they could become hazardous if the emotion was strong enough. As I had learned in Satsuya’s memory, the cold wouldn’t freeze Eve no matter how much she wished it to, but it would destroy everything else if we let it—and even if it didn’t freeze her, if we didn’t reach out to her she may very well remain encased in ice until she died of starvation, something her powers couldn’t protect her from.

This was why the World Law kept the Uni in check, why they took powers away if they suspected a Uni was about to lose it. But even if the agents of the Law showed up now, I had doubts they would be able to contain her. It was up to us.

I wanted to give Eve’s story a new ending—no, a continuation. So, despite everything I had learned, I bravely met Satsuya’s gaze, and said as confidently as I could, “I promise I’ll reach her. Just give me the chance.”

I had been Icy Eve once—I was Icy Eve now. I was in over my head, unable to help, uncertain of what I could believe in. But I was here, and I could do something. It wasn’t like I wanted to be a hero, to gain any glory. I just couldn’t abandon her when I felt her silently calling for help.

Satsuya’s gaze flicked to the woman trapped in the ice diamond as his hair whipped around his head, his sunglasses at the edge of his nose. His lips pressed thin before he turned back to me, spearing me with those blue eyes.

I felt an invisible tug at my center—the same tug I had felt several times already when Satsuya looked at me. Not the pull of anything (ahem) amorous, or the strike of fear, this tug signaled something inside of me was responding to an unspoken inquiry. To a power I had no name for yet, the same one he had thought about in the memories I’d seen.

I have no time to worry about it now.

I have to save Eve—or at least try.

Despite what I had learned, my confidence was back, though who knew how long it would last. Who knew whether I was up for this task. Would I wish I had run?

It doesn’t matter. I’m tired of being angry with myself for not being perfect.

All I can do is try.

I might have mistaken it, but I swore I saw a tiny hint of a smile in Satsuya’s eyes.

“Alright, Ivy.” His hand barely brushed my arm, and I somehow managed not to flinch. “I’ll get Yuuki and Mr. Alessi out of here, but I’m coming back. If I think you can’t reach her, I’m going to get you out, too. And then...” The pain returned to his gaze, crushing, but I couldn’t allow it to shake me.

He didn’t say what he might he might have to do, but I knew the unspoken words already. I had lived those words in his memory.

Like it or not, I might have to live them again if I failed, but I couldn’t think of that now.

Hope for the best.

I nodded to Satsuya, and this time he really did pull a smile together for me, shaky as it was. “For the record, Ivy, I believe in you!”

Before I could reply, Satsuya dashed off to get his family to safety, but I wasn’t ignorant to the well of warmth those words provided, regardless of my conflicting feelings.

Alright, Ivy, let’s go!

I moved forward to do what I could, doubts and all.