~ Chapter 23 ~

Mr. Alessi’s house was quiet—not eerily, but peacefully, as if nothing horrible was waiting on the horizon, just on the cusp of reaching us. The pounding rain created a melodic background as I walked down the stairs to the bottom floor, finding the kitchen and break room area to be empty. There were no lights on, but the last vestiges of the sun came in through the cracks in the swinging door that lead to the bar, and from the window inlaid into another door that lead out back—one I hadn’t noticed before.

I was drawn to that light like moth to a flame, my bare feet padding over to the back door; I had taken off my socks, fearing they would get wet when I stepped outside, my shoes still drying from my rescue attempt. It had been so long since I’d run anywhere while barefoot, but the feel of wood beneath my feet, cool to the touch, was strangely comforting.

I lingered before the door a moment, not quite close enough to brush my fingers it. I knew I needed to go out, to clear the air—to confront myself as much as Satsuya—but I couldn’t escape the desire to just remain in the quiet, not moving further forward or further back.

I felt as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the depths of some deep, dark ocean. Some place I had probably looked at a million times, but had never actually seen—some place that all of us looked, but couldn’t actually see.

All of the the things that had seemed so obvious before, so certain, were muddied now. The world had begun tilting on the wrong axis, unraveling everything I had ever believed.

The Uni weren’t happy with the way things were—or, at least some of them weren’t.

The deaths from so many years ago were not a one-time thing.

People were being hurt, and the Law wasn’t doing anything about it; The One wasn’t doing anything about it. That, or they couldn’t actually do anything about it.

A thought struck me, furthering this new, muddy world. In the time I had been trying to reach Eve, no hero appeared. Did that mean they didn’t care, just like the Law? Or were they, too, stretched too thin? Was this sector, this town, not worth investing in because it wasn’t one of the top ten?

I thought about my parents, about my old friends—not much of friends, as they had abandoned me, though there were a few who had appeared genuinely sorry to see me go. How many of them were aware of what was happening? If they knew, what would they do?

Could any of us really do anything?

I thought of Wars, of his demands, and my blood ran cold.

I felt myself tip towards that imaginary cliff, but before I could fall I stepped forward and opened the back door.

The sight of Satsuya’s back greeted me, the Uni staring out at the ceaseless rain, standing stiller than the building whose awning he was sheltered under. Dampness greeted me along with the fresh smell of a downpour, and, just as I’d suspected, my feet became wet the moment I walked over the threshold. It was chilly out, but not nearly as cold as the air that had surrounded Eve.

A tiny courtyard lingered behind Mr. Alessi’s building, a patch of grass outside his back door, half of it sectioned off for a small vegetable garden. Wet grass yielded beneath my feet, dirt that was close to becoming mud squishing between my toes. Again, I had the strange sensation of comfort from the connection with nature, and my lips curved, an unseen weight leaving me even though I hadn’t confronted anything as of yet.

When was the last time I didn’t care if I became dirty?

...when I visited grandmother as a child?

Always aware of their appearances, my parents and friends and the pretty-boy ex would never take off their shoes, never go outside and allow their feet to become dirty. The thought would be appalling.

I stepped up to stand beside Satsuya and held my palm out, catching the rain. This sudden connection with nature felt like a slap in the face to the people who had abandoned me, and a shot of giddiness sparked.

“Ivy.”

That giddiness tamed quickly, however, Satsuya’s voice quiet when he spoke. I didn’t turn to look at him, and he didn’t turn to look at me. “How are you feeling?” He also didn’t clarify which feelings he meant—emotional or physical—so I knew he was asking about both.

To the point, as always.

At least that was familiar.

I bit my lip, and overturned my hand to let the water escape. “I’m not as sore as I probably should be, and my head hasn’t stopped aching. I’m glad that everyone’s alright, though. Yuuki said you talked to Eve. I hope you were able to reconcile somewhat.” I wanted to look at him, but didn’t feel that I could just yet.

My next words held their breath—before they came rushing out all at once, “I saw them, you know. Your memories. I mean—of course you know I saw them. So, I think I know everything now. Or at least everything that Yuuki thought I should know. And I’m not angry at you for not telling me sooner.”

I had barely spent two days with these people (not including the night I had first seen Satsuya, and the time I had been incapacitated). It was probably a miracle—maybe a cruelty—that I had learned as much as I had in that time. Not that there was really time to break things to me gently. I probably should have been grateful things were spaced out as much as they were.

Wars was aptly named.

I still didn’t turn to look at Satsuya, but I could feel his gaze shift. “And?” This one word was quieter than the last, a tiny timbre of emotion leaking into it.

That hint of emotion made me wonder if he actually wanted to be friends, if I wasn’t just a new person to be protected.

I hadn’t realized I was looking at myself in that way. And when I thought about it objectively, it conflicted everything Satsuya had said up until this point—everything Mr. Alessi had said, too; Yuuki, even, though she was more difficult to read.

My arm fell to my side. “I don’t...hate you, Satsuya.” Those words were difficult to say, like barbs I was pulling up my throat, but once they were out more words flowed, pieces connecting in my mind.

“I don’t hate you.” I had to say it twice, this time with more feeling. “It might not be my place to say that, but I feel like I have to anyway. I don’t like what happened in the past any more than you do, but I don’t hate you for it. You—you were a kid. And Wars...” I shivered at the memory of his laughter, how he had shifted in Satsuya’s memories as time went on. “You were manipulated.”

Unlike Satsuya, I wasn’t sure Wars had ever honestly wanted peace. But I did feel he had changed over time, become something other than what he was originally. The thought of him terrified me, especially now, and the strange familiarity I felt when I had first met him still unnerved me. I couldn’t deny he was a true villain.

“I made all of my choices, Ivy. I’m not going to forget that.” I had a difficult time hearing Satsuya over the rain, his tone was so quiet, but somehow those words found a way to my heart. “I remember them all—every person I killed. You don’t know how many times I wish I could go back and undo it. I never want to be that person again, but...I constantly have to fight it. I have to bury it all over and over again. I’m afraid that at any moment, I’ll revert back. Especially now.” Fabric rustled, and I caught a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye, head in his hands. “How can you say you don’t hate me?”

Does it matter if I don’t hate you when you hate yourself?

That question felt too personal, because it pertained to me, too, not just Satsuya.

Swallowing past the cry that suddenly wanted to unleash, I fixed my gaze forward, watching the falling rain with intent, as if I could see something new through it. “I can’t hate someone who’s willing to own up to their mistakes, no matter what they were.” Pain echoed in my palms as my nails bit into skin. “You’re not like me. I spent so long running from my own mistakes, I didn’t even notice them until I had no choice. Unlike you, I’ve—”

One large raindrop crashed to the cobblestone ground, and in it I found the clarity I was looking for.

An ugly, beautiful clarity.

Lips stretched into a grin, I laughed, shrinking back as if I had been hit in the stomach, yet not at all unhappy about it. “I’ve never had to make a difficult decision! I’ve always let everyone else make my decisions for me. It’s kind of pathetic, isn’t it? No—it’s really pathetic. But it’s true. It was easier that way. I could blame everything on someone else, and I would always feel like I was succeeding at fitting in.” The freedom of those words made me spread my arms as if they were wings. “But even that didn’t work. No wonder my books are terrible. None of my characters ever makes a hard decision, either! What an awful author-mother I’ve been.” More laughter bubbled out from between my lips, but the tightness in my chest was lessening—the tightness I had grown so used to, I didn’t even remember it was there.

It was all so clear to me now—the reason for my failures, the luck behind my successes. Somewhere in my writing journey, I had begun to take the easy way out, to let the market and popularity tell me what I should be penning. That lead to terrible books, to my eventual downfall. But my greatest work was a story in which the main character had to let go of everything she had hoped for as a child—a story where her decision was large, and it really impacted her.

In a way, we were paralleled, though I had arrived at the party a bit late.

Still, I felt free now, the door to the cage opened. I wanted to run out into the rain, spinning in a circle. To just experience this tiny moment, and be proud of my progress.

So I did, jumping through the curtain of raindrops without a hint of hesitation. I spun, like a little girl dancing...and promptly slipped, landing myself in a patch of waterlogged grass.

The shock of falling brought me back to my senses, and I wiped a smear of dirt off my cheek only to leave another one. Sighing, I worked my way to standing, stepping back under the awning, moving from dream back to reality.

I stood in front of Satsuya now, head tilted back to look up at him, the warmth of another person’s proximity startling after the cold rain. His head was no longer held in his hands, the pain I had felt pouring from him lessened, but a pinch of pain lingered in his brows, even as he appeared on the edge of laughing.

“I’m sorry.” I rearranged the wet bangs sticking to my face, narrowly avoiding getting dirt in my eye. I didn’t want to admit how awkward it felt to be standing so close—if awkward was the right word. “This isn’t about me.” I twisted my limp ponytail around my hand, nervous. “But you did make me realize something, and I’m, well, grateful. And I admire you for being able to make decisions I’m not sure I could make.”

In that instant, with those words, I realized.

We locked gazes, and I was startled by how blue Satsuya’s eyes actually were; he had his sunglasses off for once, tucked into the collar of his shirt. “You’ve already made your decision, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I made it a long time ago...” My next-door-Uni didn’t look away, the crease between his brows smoothing as if he were resolving himself for the thousandth time. “If I don’t put an end to everything, Yuuki will never be free. And neither will you, Ivy.” The dim torch in his eyes flickered, but it didn’t go out.

In the past, Wars said there was no choice for Satsuya.

I believed so too after seeing his memories, but...

There’s always a choice, isn’t there?

“Thanks, Ivy.” Satsuya clapped me on the arm, another shock to my cold self. “You’re honestly kind of amazing, you know.”

My heart sang at those words, but I mentally kicked at it, telling it to shut up.

No, we’re not going down that road again!

As if I had actually stopped walking down it in the first place...

Satsuya withdrew his hand—hopefully a natural reaction, instead of him sensing the tilt of my thoughts. “What I mean is, it took Mr. Alessi a while to cope, but here you are, doing your best from the start. I guess it’s just your personality.” He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, not helping my racing heart any. But then he sighed, almost wistful. “Actually, you remind me of Angela. Maybe that’s why Yuuki likes you.”

Yuuki likes me?

I stepped over to the side, towards the back door, putting some distance between Satsuya and I in a way that hopefully didn’t look forced. “It’s like you said, I’m just doing the best I can. But don’t worry—I’m freaking out plenty on the inside.”

But I had made progress.

I would be proud of that, if nothing else.

I had learned that much.

“Right...” Satsuya took one last glance at the rain before he turned to follow me. “We should go inside. Yuuki says Mr. Alessi is making dinner. We have to enjoy this quiet time while we can.” His expression hardened, but instead of allowing my panic to reign, I breathed alongside it, as I had seen him do before.

Time is running out—

The Conscious.

Terror gnawed at my bones. Fear ate at my organs. Shadows pumped through my blood, and uncertainty roped barbed wires around my heart. I allowed myself to feel all of these things, not trying to push any of them out, not trying to deny anything.

In this moment, this was my difficult decision: to run from my fear, or acknowledge it. The temptation to do as I had always done was high, practically an instant reaction, but I forced myself to slow, to ask what it was I really wanted.

I don’t want to run. I want to make that difficult decision.

To face what I’m feeling.

Every negative emotion bit at me, teeth sharp and stinging, but I let it...and the most miraculous thing happened.

Once those emotions were known, they settled, curling into a corner in light of the conviction I had made: that I was going to move forward, no matter what.