Who the hell decided hatsumode at a major shrine was a good idea? I mean, what's with this crap?

For the umpteenth time Ulf regretted that he'd allowed himself to be talked into visiting the Meiji shrine because 'that was what someone living in Tokyo did for New Year's eve'.

It was insanely crowded, and he had long since given up on finding Christina among the mass of people surrounding him. In theory he could have called her, but the cell network was brutally overloaded, and his smart-phone only served as a paperweight in his pocket.

Screw this! It was the first day off for Christina since they spent Christmas together, and for the rest of the winter break there would only be tomorrow as a free day. All the others she was booked solid.

Damn, they got her good this time.

Those thoughts didn't help. Ulf pushed his way a little further inside the compound and grit his teeth. While her schedule for all effective purposes created something like a prison, it also accelerated her fame towards the point where her career became stable. That magazine, Vogue, used her, and Ulf could only hope Christina used them in return.

The orderly crowd around him moved yet another few steps, and he let himself be pulled along with it. It would be hours before he could escape, so he could just as well pretend to enjoy whatever went for a New Year's celebration here.

He'd missed out on the last one as a result of tightened security around Christmas and New Year. It had been an institution for juvenile delinquents after all.

At least he was almost half a head taller than most of the crowd, which was a small blessing. He could see what was going on. If he'd been built like Noriko, this would have been a world of coats, elbows and the occasional child.

Ahead of him there were people queuing to get to the shrine, queuing to buy snacks and drinks, queuing to buy their fortunes and queuing just to get out of the area. All in all it was a horrendous waste of time.

But I guess Christina would have loved it. She shines when she's surrounded by people.

Ulf smirked and followed the crowd forward. Another quarter of an hour and he'd be able to make his pick of a queue.

At least he wasn't cold. With so many people gathered human bodies worked like a giant radiator even outdoors.

Wonder if people felt this way during the cultural festival? Ulf grinned. If he was honest the festival had been nothing compared to this. There were literally tens of thousands of people around him.

A little later the quiet mob split into three queues, and Ulf chose the one that fed the stalls. Praying at the shrine could have been a fun and touristy thing to do with Christina, but he had no reason doing it alone.

It took him another half an hour to buy some of what went as fast food in Japan. It didn't taste bad, but Ulf really couldn't say that it tasted well. At least it was warm, which he welcomed.

Damn, I wanted you by my side tonight, he thought when a tall blonde made him look twice before he saw that it wasn't Christina.

I'm sorry Maria. I've fallen in love with another woman. To his surprise that admission didn't fill him with shame or regret any longer. His old life was lost, never to be had again. Accepting it had taken a long time, but Ulf understood that he had finally given up all hope of going home. Then how do I build myself a new home and a new life? Christina, what part can you play in it?

Bells started ringing in the new year. One hundred and eight times they would toll the desolate sound of melancholy longing that Ulf had come to associate with a country that just might become his new home.

Because going home would be even worse, he realised. As long as I'm here I can dream about Sweden as home. He bumped into a woman and they both bowed an apology almost as a reflex. See, I even behave like I belong here, he thought and gave her a faint smile.

Slowly bells rang out the old and welcomed the new, but he felt he was the only one listening to them. No, I'm not really at home here. Back home I'd never notice the church bells. But there was still something that had just clawed itself inside his mind. Yes, going home would be worse. I don't want to live in a Sweden where I haven't already carved out a space for myself.

With the back of his right hand he wiped away tears from his eyes. I miss her, Ulf thought. Standing with a half full box of food he allowed himself to be filled with longing for Christina. It's more than love. You're the anchor in my life, that keeps me from going insane.

Suddenly he was afraid of them breaking up, even though he suspected they'd eventually go separate ways despite none of them wanting it. If he stayed with her, he'd destroy the future she struggled for. Unfair, he yelled silently. What has unfair to do with anything. Get real Ulf! You only look the teenager, but you should know what life's about by now.

But the rational thoughts of a grown man lost to the needs of the him here and now, and with his phone in one hand he pushed himself into the crowd in a frenzied attempt to find her wherever she was. It was futile; he knew that, but right now it didn't matter. He only wanted to see her as soon as possible, to feel her close to him, to listen to her voice and feel how she loved him back.

***

Fuck it! They got me good this time. Christina swore a little more, and this time she didn't even bother with giving the representatives from Vogue a false smile.

The new year was already an hour old, but any opportunity to see Ulf vanished several hours earlier, when she boarded a helicopter for a flight to a domestic airport where a private jet waited to take them as close to Kyoto as possible.

Another short flight with helicopter later, and an even shorter drive in a gaudy limousine, she arrived at some shrine where her celebrating hatsumode turned into a monkey show with her entering and exiting a freezing tent to change clothes over and over again.

The exhausting shoot took over two hours, and when it was finished she was dragged inside to play the exotic and awestruck foreigner visiting a shrine for a New Year's celebration Japanese style.

They even took her phone away, so she hadn't been able to tell Ulf that she wouldn't show up. He'd forgive her when she explained, Christina knew that, but right now he was probably angry and sullen.

And they'll just keep going. How did I end up in this shit? Winter term would come as liberator a week down the line, but until then she was tied up with shoots every day.

To make things worse she didn't have Dai, her personal photographer, with her. He was still tied up by his contract with her old employer. Damn arseholes! They sold me like cattle. Christina grimaced. She hardly had any right to complain about that part. After all it was she who had forced the issue. She just hadn't been prepared for them to play her just as well as she had played them.

More or less without thinking she went from pose to pose, each kept to a minimum. It should show she was aware of the camera, but nothing more. It took all her experience from being a super model to make it look like she was chatting with her best friend, who just happened to have a camera instead of a face.

This is my golden prison.

That she was a golden opportunity for Vogue went without question. The number of sixteen year old models with fifteen years experience from modelling was exactly one. Add twenty year's worth of experience from designing and marketing global fashion, and you had a monstrosity that had no right to exist. But I wonder who's the real monster. You or me? Thinking of Ulf made her heart hurt, but the question remained. Sometimes she fantasised about Ulf wanting to change the destiny of an entire nation, and sometimes she wondered if she had fantasised in the first place.

I hate this! Christina resolved to give Ulf a call first thing in the morning. After that she had to call the Wakayamas, the older version of them. Either parent would work. Her legal guardian had sold her out, because she doubted Vogue would have dared to fly her from Tokyo to Kyoto for an overnight stay without the written consent of the old hag.

Maybe I should ring Ulf's Amaya as well. Ulf's thirty year old guardian was one of the few persons who could shut Christina up with a single glare. Christina had the utmost respect for anyone who could, and she admired the woman more than she wanted to admit.

Besides, Ulf's guardian knew how to pull strings. The débâcle with Vogue's security detail during Christmas had proven that.

While the camera crew switched positions and waited for lightning to change, Christina looked sideways and sent an apologetic shrug to her right. My bad. I got you caught up in this as well.

Nao shrugged back and closed the distance between them.

“I know what you're thinking. I don't mind, the way you do.”

A mug of almost hot tea materialised in her left hand and Christina sipped it before answering. “What about Noriko?”

There was a smile on Nao's face that Christina didn't entirely like. One that she would have loved twenty years ago.

“This is the best career chance I'll ever get, but I'll tell Noriko I was forced to. With your New Year's celebration down the drain as well she'll believe me,” he said and confirmed that he was indeed fully devoted to a modelling career.

Careful kiddo, it'll cost you. But then maybe he didn't care all that much. “Why did you confess to Noriko if you're going to lie to her about this?”

“Are you going to tell on me?” Nao asked instead of answering Christina's question.

She drank some more of the tea, which had cooled considerably, and slid into a new pose just in case someone was shooting.

“No, I'm not,” Christina said after she had swallowed the by now lukewarm drink. “Still want you to answer my question though.”

Nao climbed a peg or two in Christina's opinion when she saw him giving that answer a good thought. At least he was going to be honest about it.

With both hands combing through his hair, and destroying over fifteen minutes of work for some poor sod at make-up, he sucked at his lips before meeting Christina's gaze.

“I like her,” he said. “I really do, and I did back then as well, but it's not like I plan to marry or anything.”

“Go on,” Christina nudged.

“Noriko's like super smart, and I'm not. After I graduate we'll break up one way or another. I'm good at modelling and she'll be good at whatever university brings her.”

Well, there's that. Fair enough. He's just a lot more grown up than I gave him credit for. Reassured that Nao wasn't just another good looking arsehole Christina smiled at him and nodded. “You don't have to lie about it, you know. I think she knows.”

“That's what I'm afraid of,” he answered with a sheepish grin. “I don't want to lose her just yet.”

Ah, maybe I should worry about Noriko after all.