I open my red bag meant for elementary school student. On top of the books lined up inside my bag, there is something that shouldn't be there.

A body of dead cockroach.

Immediately after I saw that corpse, a boy with short black hair and blue school uniform shouts not too far from me.

"Ew~! Guys! Mikami brings cockroach to school!"

Upon hearing that, all attention from the class gathers towards me.

Some of them laughs at me.

Some of them mocks me.

Some of them whispers to one another.

This is not the first time that it happens.

I was really freaked out when this happened for the first time. But now, I am getting angry instead of being scared by the bug in my school bag.

I take the dead cockroach out my bag... and then quickly shove it to the face of the boy who shouted earlier.

And shortly after that, a fight ensues between me and the boy together with his friends. A female teacher quickly comes in to separate us before someone got hurt.

The teacher forces the boy and me to reconcile with each other despite it being obvious that the boy is the one who harassed me so many times before.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the school chooses to not call the parents. The least thing I want is to involve my mother in this case.

... right, this is the memory of me back when I was an elementary school student in my previous life.

After the divorce, my mother and I moved to another prefecture and I had to change school too.

As a result, I had to leave my friends in previous school and cannot make friends at my other school.

But the main reason why I have no friend is not because of that. It's because of myself.

I don't feel like socializing anymore after I arrived at the new school. My childish self back then is thinking so much about the rumours about her parents' divorce at her previous school.

And I don't even try to make the situation better for myself.

That's right, I was an edgelord who always thought that the whole world was against my very existence.

Even so, I still at least graduate from elementary school with average grade.

I never thought that the situation will get better for me even after graduating. I was always convinced that there would always be someone out there who just wants to harass me no matter where I am.

With that mindset, I joined karate club when during my middle school days.

I wanted to learn self-defense. Might as well prepare myself for the next trouble coming to me.

It does not took that long to wait for the next trouble to come.

*splash*

It happens after school. Immediately after I am about to open the door in female toilet, a gush of water comes from above toilet's door.

My whole school uniform became wet. After checking the thing inside my skirt's pocket using my right hand, I open the toilet's door using the same right hand.

I see three middle school girls outside of the door.

The right side schoolgirl has ponytail hair and is holding an empty bucket of water.

The middle one has short brown hair and is folding her arms.

The left one has long brown hair and is clearly amused while looking at me.

"Why did you pour that water to me?"

Without beating around the bush, I ask that question.

The middle one answers my question.

"You're being way to chummy with Ryuji. Consider that your first warning."

Ryuji... the first person that comes to mind is Kawasaki Ryuji the upperclassman who is also a part of karate club. I only know his name because the karate club members talk a lot about him. These girls did that even though I don't even give a damn about that guy?

"... This is so stupid."

I said that loud enough for those three girls to hear.

The middle one looks angry and is about to touch me using her right hand while shouting.

"Wha...!? Don't get cocky you-"

*grab!*

Before she finishes her sentence, I grab her right hand using my right hand. I grab it hard enough that the middle girl starts squealing in pain.

"Ouch! L- let go!"

I let go immediately after she says that.

She takes a step back while her other two friends look at her with worried look. Those worried looks immediately turn into a hostile ones towards me.

"Y- you...! I'm going to tell the teacher about this!"

The middle girl said that even though she's the one who started it. Well, talking about logic never gonna work with these types of people anyway.

"Go ahead. In exchange..."

I takes out a mini tape recorder from my skirt pocket. I press it to stop recording. And then I press another button for it to voice our recorded conversation.

"!?"

Those three girls finally look panic upon hearing the recording.

"Tch, this is stupid. Let's go!"

The middle girl says that and left the toilet while the other two girls follow her.

I always bring this old tape recorder from home in preparation to meet those types of people in school.

This is not the first that I met them, and I know that it won't be the last.

I always prepare a spare uniform in my bag whenever I go to school so I immediately change in the same toilet before going home.

It was raining really hard that day. So even after using umbrella, I ends up getting wet again before reaching home.

I need to take a bath soon or else I will catch a cold... that is what I think the moment I open the door to my 1 LDK house on the second floor of a two floor apartment.

However, the moment I open the door. I found my mother, Mikami Rio, lying unconscious in the kitchen.

"!? Mom!"

I immediately rushes towards her. She never wakes up no matter how many times I call her so I call ambulance out of panic.

.....

....

...

In the hospital, the doctor says that she fell unconscious due to exhaustion. I know that my mother is taking multiple part time jobs but this is the first time that this happened.

My mother wakes up when I was watching her at night inside the hospital room.

"Mom..."

I was about to shout out of relief. But I hold myself back since I am in a hospital.

"Shizu..."

Before mother continue talking, she looks at her surroundings.

"Where is this...?"

"We're in hospital. You collapsed earlier today."

"... I see..."

Mother then looks at the window. Upon seeing the night sky, she starts talking again.

"It's already this late. Go home for now."

"... but..."

"You have school tomorrow right? I will be okay here."

"..."

I can't really say much. It's true that I still have school tomorrow. And I am still wearing my school uniform right now.

Before I left the hospital, I told her that the doctor will release her in 3 days if her condition improves but still encourage her to take a break from work. I also told her that I will call the managers from her part time jobs telling them about my mother's sick leave.

Upon reaching my home, I quickly call all her part-time job managers and immediately take a bath after that before going to sleep.

Unfortunately, I wake up with a fever at the next day.

I struggle but manage to call the teacher at my school about my fever in the morning.

With little strength that I have left, I take some medicine and water.

Then I rest at my bed. However, the feeling of losing strength strangely prevents me from being able to sleep.

I feel cold.

I feel unpleasant.

I feel powerless.

The world becomes silent around me.

The world becomes dark around me.

The world becomes like an alien to me. No, I am the one who becomes like an alien in this world.

The time slows down as if to prolong this sensation that I'm having. Anyone can cease to think while facing the thousand years of nothingness.

That's right. My mind gradually stops thinking. It's a matter of time before I cease to exist.

... was it that bad?

If I were to disappear now. All kinds of pain will also disappear. I will be freed from all my troubles.

No more having to disappoint myself.

No more having to disappoint others.

No more having to grit myself dealing with people I don't like.

No more... having to go out my way to try my hardest only to fail at the end.

Isn't that good enough for me already?

.....

....

...

Who am I kidding...

I know the obvious answer myself.

Back when my mother from the previous world left me forever, I chose to keep living on with that regret.

Even in my current world, I chose to keep living after failing to save my mother once again.

It's not a great or honourable thing to do. It's a normal thing that I should do.

Giving up my life was never an option for me.

People can call me stupid, idealistic or whatever they want... The meaning behind my mothers' action would be meaningless if I give up my life... and that is the least thing I want to happen.

That's why I keep living.

Even if I had to pathetically crawl on the ground, I will always try my best to survive.

That is good enough for me.

As long as I keep living, my mother's action will become meaningful at the very least.

... or so I thought.

I remember Ean the goblin girl.

She lost her families and friends.

I remember Griselda the rabbit-type beastman.

She lost her friends and got banished by her own family.

Both of them... despite losing people that are dear to them. They still keep living for the sake of their loved ones.

At the first glance, I thought that I was similar to them.

But after thinking about it, that's not the case.

They are way stronger than me.

The difference comes from what they did after losing their loved ones.

Ean keeps fighting and searching for a way to keep her friends safe.

Griselda indeed took revenge on the goblins. But she got out from her hatred and tried to accept her past.

As for me...

I just keep living...

Survival and my own well-being are my only concerns after I once again failed to save my mother.

I live just for the sake of keep living.

I stop trying to think about what happened at that day when I start living in Liasr Town.

No matter how much I think about that day, there won't be any answer for me. That is my excuse of not thinking about it.

Compared to Ean and Griselda, I feel ashamed of myself.

I am not stupid because I know what to do.

But I am stupid because I simply refuse to do the most obvious thing that I should do.

... I...

*flash!*

...?

I suddenly see a light in the middle of nothingness.

A weak green light. It is so weak that it might disappear if I leave it alone.

I instinctively reach out to that light.

.....

....

...

I open my eyes.

The first thing I see is the ceiling of the inn I'm staying in Liasr Town.

The next thing I see is Miika casting a green magic circle on top of my body. That magic circle... is a "Heal" spell.

"... Miika."

"!?"

Miika is surprised to see me. He looks like he is about to cry.

"Shion... thank goodness...!"

He says that while still casting the "Heal" spell with his right hand.

I notice that I am wearing white shirt, the ones that I usually used for sleeping. That means someone changed my clothes.

My body feels really weak. Right... I think I have a fever. I remember collapsing on the way back from the library.

I got drenched from the rain during the raid battle so that's probably why I got fever.

Then I look at Miika's magic. I remember that he still cannot use it before I collapse.

"That magic... did you do it by yourself?"

"Eh? Ah, yes... I want Shion to get better as fast as possible so... I tried using the spell and it works."

"... I see."

Looking at his magic circle, he's still sloppy in terms of execution. But I guess this is a big step forward. Therefore, I'll say this to him.

"Miika..."

"Yes?"

Miika replies while still concentrating on his magic. Then I continue talking.

"Heal spell... cannot cure cold."

"... eh?"

The moment Miika says that, green magic circle disappears.