“Look,” Rick said. “I’m not saying this thing isn’t valuable if it is what you say it is. I’m just saying I’ve seen William Shatner’s signature before, and this doesn’t look like William Shatner’s signature!”

The dealer regarded Rick over a pair of spectacles so thick they blew right past looking like the bottom of a Coke bottle and went into blast proof glass territory. He also didn’t seem to care about Rick’s impeccable logic as he brushed some of his lunch off his gut.

“I can assure you that each of these are authenticated by yours truly,” the dealer said. “I have a certificate of authenticity on the back that attests to the fact that I have personally seen each of these being signed.”

Liam watched Rick arguing with the dealer. It was the immovable object meets the unstoppable force, or whatever the hell that phrase was. Only in this case it was one super dork having an argument with another over whether or not an autographed picture of their Lord and Savior Bill Shatner was real and worth the money the guy was charging.

“Let me have a look at that,” Liam said, grabbing the glossy headshot featuring original series Shatner, Nimoy, and Doohan from Rick.

He checked out the certificate of authenticity first. The thing didn’t look like it was worth the paper it was printed on.

“All this certificate amounts to is you pinky swearing on paper that you’re not bullshiting us,” Liam said.

“If you would hand me the picture?” the dealer asked, holding his hand out.

Liam handed it over. He figured the guy was about to apologize for trying to sell them bogus goods, but instead he pointed to Doohan’s signature near the bottom right.

“If you would bring your attention to Jimmy Doohan’s signature, he let me call him Jimmy you know, you’ll see he signed the picture far below and to the right of Shatner’s signature so he wouldn’t have to have his pen anywhere near a part of the picture Shatner allegedly touched,” he said.

“That sounds like…”

Liam was cut off as the dealer held up a hand. He raised a single finger and pointed it at Rick and then to Liam.

“And I am no longer going to be making a sale to either of you assholes. I don’t have to do business with people who question my integrity!”

Liam blinked. Meanwhile Michael looked up from a cardboard box filled with DVDs he’d been perusing.

“Oh yeah,” Michael said, rolling his eyes. “You sure have a lot of integrity. You’re selling bootleg DVDs anyone could download for free if they know what they’re doing on the Internet.”

“I’m providing a valuable service to individuals who want access to the best of 1970s science-fiction television without being able to download it themselves!” the guy said, his face turning several shades of purple.

Liam figured the dealer was getting pissed off at them for calling him on his bullshit, but he was also genuinely concerned the guy was on the verge of having a heart attack. He looked like the kind of guy who got winded walking five feet.

“What about these props from the original series you’re selling?” Anna asked from the other end of the booth. “This is just one of the plastic Next Gen Playmates toys they sold during the ‘90s that you’ve spray-painted!”

“Get away from my booth now!” the dealer shouted, a flabby arm shooting out.

Liam glanced around. Other people were looking at them now. Including convention security. They were talking into radios and giving them the stink eye.

“I think it’s time to get moving,” Liam said. “Things look like they’re about to get hairy.”

“Whatever,” Rick said, glaring at the autographed page. “That shit is counterfeit and you know it, asshole.”

“Come on Rick,” Liam said, wrapping his arms around Rick and pulling him along. He knew his friend, and he knew he’d gladly stand there all day arguing with this dude if he could.

Or until convention security came along and escorted them from the premises.

“It’s not worth it,” Liam said.

That still wasn’t enough to get Rick to shut the fuck up and move. No, he started shouting at the top of his lungs and creating even more of a scene. Like that was going to accomplish anything.

“This guy is selling fake shit and bootlegs!” he shouted. “This kind of stuff isn’t supposed to be allowed at these conventions!”

The dealer’s eyes went wide and he glanced around like he was afraid of something. Liam didn’t know what that could be considering the only thing the dude looked like he was truly afraid of was the inside of a gym.

“Would you cut the shit and move?” Liam hissed in Rick’s ear. “You’re going to get us all kicked out!”

Rick finally went limp at that threat, and Liam dragged him through the crowd. Michael and Anna followed, still shooting nasty looks at the dealer and his booth. Someone else moved up to the booth and started a quiet intense conversation with the dude, and the dealer didn’t look happy about it.

Liam saw the new guy flash a badge, though why someone would be flashing a badge at a convention was beyond him.

They moved through the crowd and away from the altercation. A few people gave them odd looks, but the con security types left them alone. He’d take it.

They moved past people wearing T-shirts featuring their favorite shows or movie, and even a few people wearing stuff from their favorite book series which was something that could usually only be found at a convention.

There were plenty of Sparklefang fans as well. There were people in costumes that ranged along the quality spectrum from something that was clearly grabbed off the rack at a Halloween store clearance sale to people who’d gone to the trouble of fabricating everything to create impressive costumes that looked like something straight out of a Hollywood prop department.

He even saw a few vampire vixens from the eponymous Vampire Vixens From Planet X! moving through the crowd looking sexy as fuck, but they were gone almost as soon as he caught sight of them.

Much like his rogue he’d been keeping an eye out for. He felt like she was almost there. Like he could turn to the side and she’d be there, but she never was despite that overwhelming sense of nearness.

He did stop when he saw a girl dressed in a futuristic outfit he recognized all too well. She looked similar to the Galactic Enforcers from that impromptu demonstration in the hotel lobby, only her costume was way more impressive. It actually glowed, and it looked good as it hugged her body.

She’d also put on some sort of body paint that gave her skin a golden glow. Like actual gold, and not just the kind of golden skin that meant an author was writing descriptions of female characters one-handed.

“Damn,” he said.

She also had a seriously impressive prop blaster at her side. Like it was the kind of comically oversized weapon he’d expect to see in a videogame, or in a bit of 1980s schlock cinema.

She hit him with the kind of glance that made him think there might’ve been something there under other circumstances. He also figured she probably had guys coming up to her constantly because they thought they had a chance too, and he didn’t want to be that guy.

Plus none of those guys had a friend who’d just caused a scene that might have convention security moving in on them. So he reluctantly gave up on that moment they might’ve shared and pulled Rick out into the hallway.

“That was close,” Liam said once they were safely away from the security dudes who may or may not have been chasing them.

There were a couple of people working convention security out here, of course, but they seemed more concerned with making sure everybody streaming into the dealer hall had a badge.

“I can’t believe that asshole was trying to pass that off as a genuine Shatner signature,” Rick said, shaking his head.

“Did you hear that guy who was talking to him after we left?” Michael asked. “He was asking him all kinds of questions about those bootleg DVDs. I told you that kind of shit doesn’t fly at these cons.”

“I’ve heard about people getting bent over and pounded in the ass for selling bootleg stuff at conventions,” Anna said. “And I’m not talking about the kind of pounding in the ass they want to take from their futanari waifu.”

“Now there’s a mental image I could’ve done without,” Liam said.

“Says the guy who just admitted to knowing what a futanari waifu is,” Anna said with a wink.

“Whatever,” Liam said. “I think we should stay out of the dealer hall for a little while, just to be safe. We don’t want anyone coming after crankypants here.”

“The guy was selling fakes!” Rick said.

“And you didn’t need to scream at him and scare all the normies,” Michael said.

Anna pulled out her phone and tapped at the screen. She seemed to be getting more and more frustrated with every tap.

“What’s wrong?” Liam asked.

“I don’t understand why a convention in the modern era wouldn’t have their whole fucking schedule online,” Anna said, glaring at her phone. “And they ran out of paper programs already, so you have to search deep in this ancient Geocities piece of shit website to figure out when stuff is happening.”

“At least they have a program online,” Liam said. “Remember Sakurajimacon?”

Anna made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat. “Not only did they have a stupid name for that fucking con, but they had the worst organization ever. I mean honestly. Who expects someone to fork out money for extra time in a ball pit?”

“It wasn’t even a real ball pit,” Michael pointed out. “More like a kiddie pool they filled with shitty balls that looked like they were the castoffs from a McDonald’s ball pit that’d been pissed and shit on so many times that they were ready to get rid of them.”

Liam snorted at that unfortunate mental image. The less said about that Charlie Foxtrot of a convention, the better.

“Okay, so where are we going first?” Rick asked, pulling out a paper convention booklet.

Anna stared at him, but it took him a moment to realize she was glaring. Which was a surprise. Usually he noticed when Anna was paying attention to him.

“What?” he asked.

“I was just saying I needed a convention schedule in an easy to read format,” she said.

“Yeah? So?” Rick asked.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe your convention program might be helpful?”

“Oh,” Rick said.

Though he didn’t make any move to hand his program over. No, he kept thumbing through the thing, completely ignoring the death glares she was sending his way. Liam couldn’t be sure if he was truly that oblivious, or doing that on purpose, but either way he was playing a dangerous game.

“There’s a Sparklefang retrospective in Ballroom A. That might be interesting.”

He continued thumbing through the program, not realizing everyone was staring at him like he’d grown a second head. When he finally looked up he blinked as he realized all eyes were on him.

“What?” he asked.

“You want to go to a Sparklefang retrospective?” Anna asked, her annoyance over the con program obviously forgotten.

“We’re not judging,” Liam said. “It just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you’d be into considering all the bitching you were doing earlier, you know?”

“I’m going to be honest here,” Michael said. “I am judging you just a little.”

“Why do you care what I’m into?” Rick asked. “Besides, you said it yourself. There are a lot of hotties in that Sparklefang crowd, and it seems like a retrospective would be a good place to meet some.”

“And there we have it,” Michael said.

Liam wanted to take the opportunity to rip on Rick, it was justifiably deserved considering the way he’d been bitching about Sparklefang groupies earlier, but he was distracted by yet another vampire vixen walking past. She was in great shape, her costume was amazingly accurate, and it clung to her in all the right places.

She turned to look at Liam as she walked past, but she didn’t so much as smile. Damn. He’d heard of cosplayers getting into character, but that girl was more serious than he’d ever seen. She could’ve been a dead ringer for one of the vampires from that classic of ‘80s trash cinema, and with that walking RBF she also could’ve given lessons to Nimoy on how not to show too much emotion.

Liam turned to follow her as she walked away. Oh yeah. That dark outfit that was mostly a halter top barely covering her breasts up top and an impossibly tight pair of shorts down below would’ve sent their high school principal into conniption’s growling about fingertip length. The costume looked even better when she was walking away than it did when she was walking towards him.

He wasn’t the only person in the hall who noticed, either. No, there were quite a few guys, and some girls, stopping to take a look at the woman and her impressive assets. For once the Sparklefang girls didn’t have everyone’s attention.

That costume also reminded him there was another reason he was at this convention, and it had nothing to do with sparkly vampires. He grabbed the con program from Rick, ignoring his cries of protest, and flipped through it until he found the programming schedule for the Vampire Vixens From Planet X! stuff.

That schedule was tucked away near the back of the program. Almost like the convention was ashamed to be hosting a bunch of ‘80s schlock alongside more modern pop culture vampires.

“Oh holy shit yes,” Liam said. “I totally know what I’m doing right now!”

“What’s up?” Michael asked.

“They’re doing a showing of Vampire Vixens From Planet X! I’m so totally there.”

“I’ll never understand your obsession with that movie,” Anna said.

“Oh come on,” Liam said. “That movie was critical to my budding sexuality.”

“I could do without hearing what you and your budding sexuality did watching late-night vampire flicks on Cinemax when you were a kid,” Anna said.

“Your loss,” Liam said, wiggling his eyebrows at her. “And it was an old VHS tape. Not Cinemax.”

“I wouldn’t mind hitting that Sparklefang thing,” Anna said.

“Really?” Rick asked.

“Wait, what?” Michael asked, suddenly looking like a man who’d been sentenced to death.

“Come on,” Anna said. “It could be fun!”

“For certain definitions of the word fun that I’ve never heard of,” Michael said.

“You could always come see Vampire Vixens with me,” Liam said.

“No thanks,” Michael said. “Totally not in the mood for that right now.”

Anna rolled her eyes. “It’s okay for you to admit you want to go to a movie where you’re going to see some boobs. You won’t offend me.”

“Yeah, but they’re like… ‘80s boobs. Back when the only way you could see tits was if you went to some cheesy movie. There are boobs everywhere on the Internet now.”

That earned him a glare.

“But your boobs are the only ones for me, right baby?” he said.

“And you’re walking a dangerous path where you’re not going to see them tonight if you keep it up.”

“Okay, so we’ll hit the Sparklefang retrospective and you can go to your schlock titty flick showing,” Rick said.

“Sounds like a plan,” Liam said. “And if you get done with your retrospective before my movie’s over then you can head back to the dealer hall and try to find a questionable body pillow featuring anime girls of dubious age.”

“Fuck you,” Rick said.

“I haven’t had nearly enough to drink,” Liam said.

“Come on,” Anna said, grabbing Rick and pulling him along.

It took him a moment to realize Anna was touching him, and then he seemed fine with being led away. Which left Liam alone with Michael.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come along?” Liam asked.

“I kind of do,” Michael said. “But if I leave Anna alone with Rick at that Sparklefang thing she’ll follow through on that threat to not to get it on with me this weekend.”

“Have fun then,” Liam said, turning to head to the Vampire Vixens showing and smiling as he realized he’d successfully purloined Rick’s convention program.