Talking about himself felt a lot less uncomfortable than Ulf had feared.

Even though he really wasn’t the kind of person to open up his heart to anyone, not even to his wife during their long years of marriage, being with Christina forced him to accept the need to talk things over. In the end, however, he never said the words most important to her.

Amaya still hadn’t forgiven him for that. Criminal stupidity she said whenever the topic surfaced.

But right now she was out doing whatever a black ops agent did.

“Well,” Ulf said after he swallowed a mouthful, “what do you think?”

Noriko looked up from her food and faced him. “It’s better than your midsummer’s food.” Then her face lit up in a childish grin.

Ulf frowned, but in the end he swallowed the joke. Midsummer had been a disaster, only partially saved by Christina. He put fork and knife on his plate and smiled. “Thank you for your kind words.” He lifted his glass with sparkling water and toasted ironically. “That’s nine months of progress for you.”

“It’s good,” Noriko murmured. “A bit unfamiliar, but good.”

A bit unfamiliar. You’re funny, you know. Ulf watched Noriko gobble down another bit of almost raw fillet of beef.

“It’s the way we eat meat back home.” At least it is if you can afford burning the money. He didn’t say the last part aloud. Even though Ulf had grown fond of the Japanese way with thin slices of meat, sometimes he just wanted the thick slabs he’d grown up with. “The civilised version of the barbecue last summer.”

He coughed. Fillet of beef wasn’t exactly what he had grown up with, but thick slabs at least.

“Did I do anything wrong?”

Ulf looked at Noriko. A bit late he recalled that her background was one where appearances must be important.

“No, just a memory,” he said.

“It’s unfair, you know. Having all those memories and you’re still a teenager.”

“Again,” Ulf added. “Anyway, enough about me. You promised you’d hear me out about your situation.”

Noriko nodded glumly. Something in her eyes told Ulf she wasn’t anywhere near as desperate for the news he had, and that made him a little confused.

“Go on. I’m listening.”

Ulf poured himself another glass of water. “You know,” he said and sipped some, “I spoke with Nao earlier.”

Noriko looked down at her plate, but from what Ulf could see she did at least listen while she ate.

“He never slept with another girl. I doubt he as much as kissed or hugged one, well other than you.”

Ulf looked at Noriko’s head. Her face barely showed beneath her bangs.

“He said something strange about it was better if he looked like an arsehole before you dumped him anyway. Know what that would mean?”

Noriko didn’t answer. She just stared at her food while she slowly ate.

Talking to the top of someone’s head wasn’t Ulf’s idea of a conversation, so he leaned his elbows on the table and tried looking up under her hair.

With a jerk Noriko’s body rose and she backed away in her chair.

Ulf looked up, chin still cradled in his hands. Her reaction was a little more than he had expected. To top it off her face was beet red.

“You know, you’re being pretty impolite to me staring at the table like that when we’re talking.” With a sigh he leaned back in his chair and attacked his food again. Deep fried potatoes tasted better while still hot. Or rather while I’m talking. This isn’t a conversation at all.

“I didn’t mean to.” Noriko till leaned back in her chair, and she was flustered to a degree that Ulf’s teasing didn’t merit.

But I’ve just lived here for two years. Sweden is different. “Sorry, I forgot I tend to get too physical. I apologise.” He did feel remorse. Nao’s surprising non-betrayal was a topic that deserved Ulf behaving like an adult.

Noriko’s reaction was just about the last Ulf had expected. He knew he was a clumsy oaf more often than not, and an insensitive one at that, but what he had just done shouldn’t bring tears to her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” he said. “I never meant to offend you. I’ll keep my distance.”

And that brought even more tears.

I’m an idiot! Hearing the news about Nao like this, and then I drag her to my home and play pranks on her. I’m the arsehole here!

“Noriko, sorry.” Ulf rose from his char and walked around the table. Then he remembered his promise and backed away. He stood showing her both his palms to prove that he wouldn’t do anything stupid. “I’ll just stay over here.”

He looked at her sitting in her chair, half turned his way with tears brimming in her eyes.

How did it turn out this way?

She rose.

Ulf backed into a book case to give her more room.

“You’re an idiot!”

Well I already know that.

Noriko put fork and knife on her plate.

Maybe I should move away a bit more.

She took a step towards him.

Ulf tried backing into the book case.

“How blind can a man be?”

“I’m sorry.”

She took another step.

There was no more room in the book case, so Ulf frantically tried to think of a way to disappear.

She took yet another one.

What now?

Then Noriko suddenly moved forward and threw her arms around him.

What?

She was surprisingly strong.

What?

“Idiot!”

What?

***

I don’t care any longer.

Noriko never planned on doing this. A year earlier she wouldn’t have dared, but a lot had happened during that year.

I’m sorry Kuri. She was pretty certain she’d be rejected, but Kuri still had supported her when she broke down after Nao’s a betrayal. A betrayal that it turned out never happened.

She felt Urufu’s hands cover her own, and even though it felt like him caressing her, his fingers soon started to disentangle hers. From how rigid his body went Noriko understood he tried to break free, so before he did that she pressed herself harder against his chest. Or given the difference in height, his stomach.

Nao was even taller than Urufu, so Noriko was already used to such a ludicrous difference.

“Noriko, I understand you’re in shock, but this isn’t the time.”

Idiot! She allowed herself to be pried free from Urufu.

Nao was an idiot as well. If he noticed conflicting feelings in her he should have talked it out with her. Instead he invented a ploy where she’d hate him, and to a degree she did. Even though it turned out only being lies, in the end he still hurt her. Even though he’d only acted on his own fears, he still trampled all over her feelings.

Well, he’d reached his goal, if he had one to begin with. Whatever love she felt for him vanished, buried under the result of his actions.

Right now, however, Noriko had another problem to deal with.

“Urufu, I’m shocked, but not for the reason you think.” She let go of him and sat down on her chair. “Sit!” she said and nodded at his.

He did as told, and hesitantly he picked up his fork.

“Please tell me,” he said.

Noriko sighed and drew breath. This required gathering some courage.

“What he did was unforgivable,” she said. Somewhere inside her she knew she still dodged the real issue at hand.

“But it was all lies!” Urufu put down his fork and met her eyes.

I can’t pretend any longer. Urufu’s insensitive, but he’s not blind. She reached out with her hand and took his fingers.

Urufu flinched, but he didn’t retract his hand.

“I’m in shock they never went away,” Noriko said. That was deliberately cryptic.

“What went away?”

“Didn’t go away,” Noriko corrected him. She allowed herself to caress his fingers. He’d move his hand soon enough. “My feelings for you. I didn’t know, but I think Nao did.”

This time Urufu did move his hand.

“I…” He coughed silently. “You...”

“I know. You love Kuri, and I’m just a kid. Urufu, you promised. Don’t treat me like a child. Your loving Kuri is one thing. I have to respect that, but I at least want to be treated like a rival.”

For the first time Urufu smiled honestly. There was an embarrassed sheen in his eyes, and Noriko noticed him fidgeting a little.

“Like a rival, you said. You’ll have to talk with Christina about that.” Urufu gave her a twisted smile. “Weren’t you in love with Nao?”

Noriko nodded. When did everything become so complicated? “But I think I never fell out of love with you.” She said it. She looked down at her plate. There wasn’t anything more she could do. Urufu would reject her feelings, and she’d feel sad and a little lonely. Still, it wasn’t as if she lost anything. He had rejected her once already.

“You flatter me. I’m not worth that effort.”

How dense can you be? Noriko looked up and met his eyes. “You don’t get to decide that. You have no right to my feelings. They’re mine and mine only.” At least until you share them, she thought. A bitter little thought.

Urufu cut himself a piece of beef, pushed a little potato and sauce on it with his knife and ate. After he swallowed he looked at her. “I apologise. I’m no less honoured that your affection lies with me than I was last summer, but I’m poor rebound material.”

The smile that came to her lips was listless. Noriko could feel how it barely managed to reach her eyes. “I can’t do anything about how I feel.”

“You know I still love Christina. I probably always will.”

That’s an opening, you know. Noriko’s mind filled with giddy surprise he didn’t reject her outright. You might not even understand it yourself, but that’s an opening. “I know. I’ll never force you to abandon those feelings. You share a background and age after all” I have a chance! As long as I don’t push him into a corner.

Urufu took another bite, and Noriko joined him in the dinner they shared. He was a surprisingly good cook, and his choice for today’s meal was excellent for a conversation. The food cooling did little to detract from its taste.

They ate in silence for a while, and Noriko stole glances at him from time to time.

You’re handsome, but you’re not stunning like bro, or beautiful like Nao. So why did I fall in love with you to begin with?

“I’m flattered about how you feel,” Urufu suddenly said. “You promised not to make me stop loving Christina, so I won’t try to stop your infatu… feelings,” he said.

Noriko stared at him. “Infatuation? For a year, even though I got to know you and accept your relationship with Kuri? Even if I spent half a year with Nao? Infatuation?”

She watched Urufu bite his lower lip.

“I apologise. I won’t demean what you feel. Please forgive me.”

Noriko didn’t answer. Memories of Urufu’s conflicted feelings about his lost wife rose in her. In the end those probably were what destroyed what he had with Kuri, and Noriko didn’t plan to go down that route.

Just as she was about to respond her phone rang, and Noriko rose, walked to Urufu’s small desk and picked it up.