„Are you okay?“

For the first time since I've met her, I can't stand seeing Delilah's face.

„Could you maybe just... leave?“

Dark eyes look at me. Unsure. I drop my own gaze to the ugly greenish hospital floor.

„If that's what you want, sure.“

„It's what I want,“ I say, not knowing if it is at all.

„Okay. Then I'll see you soon?“

I nod, not looking up at her. I can't bear it.

„I'm here,“ she says and there is the ghost of fingers on my jaw before she leaves and I'm alone with the floor.

„Leah?“

It's my mother. The last person I want to see right now.

„Go away.“

She doesn't.

It's hilarious, how now, that I don't want her to, she always seems to be around.

„Dr. Navarro talked to me.“

„Great.“

I keep my eyes on the floor. Inside of me, my own heart feels about to give up its job. Her eyes on me feel like the plague. I want her to look away.

„You shouldn't be alone right now,“ she says.

„I want to.“

„We should stick together. Caden is...“

Her voice breaks and a scream is building in my chest.

She wants comfort. She always does.

„Go home, please,“ I say.

„You're the only one who understands,“ she says and I think she's crying.

She expects me to be the old Leah again. The one that would have opened her arms and told her that everything is going to be okay. That she is strong and will get through it.

The new Leah wouldn't. The new Leah would spit fire at her.

But in reality, there is no old and new Leah.

There's just me.

„Please,“ I say again. „I can't do this right now.“

I want her to go and I don't want her to. I hate myself.

„Honey,“ she says.

My lip is trembling.

„He might die,“ I say loudly.

A hand is put on my shoulder. Cautiously. I pretend that I don't notice.

„They put him on machines.“

„He'll get through this, honey.“

I squeeze my eyes shut. The hand on my shoulder moves to my upper back. I stand up.

„I have to go.“

With that, I flee the hospital.

„I hate her. I want her to leave,“ I tell Delilah, knees drawn to my chest.

She tucks her own legs under, my old couch squeaking a little bit.

„It's her son,“ she says quietly.

„A fact she used to forget about whenever it was convenient.“

My lip is trembling again. I don't know what's wrong with me – I don't usually cry. But then again, my brother is dying.

Delilah strokes my knee.

„What did she do?“

I look across the room, at the slowly yellowing tapestry.

„It's more about what she didn't do. She didn't break up with Caden's father when he started hitting us. She didn't go to rehab when she should have. And she was never there when we needed her to be.“

I stare at Delilah's hand on my knee. The nails are dark blue.

„I'm sorry, Leah.“

I shrug.

„Being sorry doesn't change anything. I've been trying to explain that to her for years now.“

„Was she a drug addict?“

„Alcoholic.“

„Is she sober now?“

I snort and shrug.

„Who knows? I guess so. She was sober, then she wasn't – I honestly don't care anymore.“

Looking at her still seems impossible.

„It's okay if you do,“ Delilah says quietly.

I close my eyes, but can't keep the tears from rolling. So I stare at the ceiling, head tilted back.

„I was always there, comforting her. It took me so long to see – everything was always, always about her. But I had to live with him too, you know? Maybe he was worse to her. But it wasn't easy for me either.“

„Leah.“

Delilah reaches out and wipes the tears away. Her voice is breaking just a little.

„I'm fine now,“ I say, clearly not fine. „I don't need her. And I made it clear that she can't need me either. I just – her being at the hospital, it makes me so... I don't know.“

„It's okay to want her comfort,“ Delilah says and I start sobbing.

She holds me until my phone rings. It's Doctor Navarro.

„We found a donor.“

Everything has to happen very quickly once a donor is found, so I'm rushing to the hospital with Delilah.

Navarro explains to me that Caden is currently undergoing some perfunctory tests before the surgery can begin.

„Can I see him?“ I ask, blood already thrumming.

„Yes. Caden, you and your mother will all be informed about risks and possible complications.“

I nod and try to stay calm.

„How long...?“

„I'll get you in around an hour. It would be best if you'd wait here.“

I nod again and he leaves me, always busy. Delilah squeezes my hand.

„This is good, Leah.“

„I know.“

I do. It's what we've been waiting for and I'm happy.

Yet I still don't like the prospect of Caden's chest being cut open. Of his heart being taken out.

„Will you stay with me?“ I ask Delilah.

I don't want to be, but I'm surprised to see her hesitate.

„I would, it's just... I already have plans. I'm sorry.“

I pull my hand away.

„Oh. Okay.“

She has plans.

My brother is about to undergo heart surgery, but she has plans.

„I'll come by in the morning, okay?“

I meet her gaze and I know that my own is steel.

„What plans do you have on a Thursday night?“

Delilah frowns lightly.

„There's a...gathering I have to attend. Very important people are going to be there.“

I keep staring at her and she's squirming a little.

„Then go.“

„I'll be back early tomorrow, yeah?“

„Don't worry about it.“

I think she wants to say more, but I don't look at her and finally, she just turns away. Taking a deep breath, I push her out of my mind. This is not about her right now.

My brother is clearly the calmest of us (aside Navarro) as the doctor reads us all the risks and runs us through the process.

„What about afterwards?“ I ask when he's done with the procedure itself.

„Caden will have to take certain meds, right? And he'll have a high risk of infection.“

Navarro nods.

I take Caden's hand. More for me than for him.

„He'll have to take immunosuppressants to prevent rejection. Unfortunately, we're not yet able to do that without also weakening the immunosystem.“

„Can we talk about all that after the surgery, please?“ Caden asks.

Navarro nods and gives him a smile.

„You'll have to sign this,“ he says and Caden does without even reading it.

It's not like he'd have a choice.

„How long will the procedure take?“ our mother asks.

Navarro already said that, but no one points it out.

„Usually six to seven hours.“

„Can we stay here?“ I ask.

The doctor shakes his head.

„Unfortunately not. But we'll give you a call when we're done and you may come by in the early morning.“

„Everything is going to be fine, sweetie,“ our mother tells Caden, her fingers trembling.

Caden smiles at her.

„Yes, mom.“

He kisses her cheek. I squeeze his hand.

„Be strong,“ I tell him sternly.

Caden grins at me.

„If I die, I'll come haunt you.“

I lean down and press a kiss to his forehead.

„I love you, Cades,“ I murmur.

His hand comes up to touch my cheek.

„I love you, too,“ he says and I don't know when the last time was we said that to each other.

Maybe when he was five.

„I'll tell Adrian, alright?“

„I already did,“ Caden says. „He said he'll visit tomorrow morning. So be nice to him.“

I nod and swallow and I know I'll have to go now.

„Leah?“

I turn around. My mother is standing on the corridor behind me.

„Do you want to come with me?“

I shake my head and she takes two steps toward me.

„You're coming with me,“ she says and I do.

None of us sleeps that night. We're just sitting on her couch, the TV running in the background. Mostly silent. My mother makes tea and hands me cookies like some suburb Karen would do.

It's hard for me not to scream at her that she's not that. She's not a Karen. Not a mom with cookies and tea. I refuse to take a good long at her apartment, but I can't deny I notice it's clean and tidy. It looks like the home of a person who's working and present.

I wonder why she's able to clean an apartment now, but wasn't before.

„How is Adrian?“ she asks me around two AM. „I haven't seen him in forever.“

She always loved Adrian. It irks me, because I like him too.

„He's alright,“ I say and keep on rolling a small piece of paper I found in my pocket (probably a receipt or something similar) between my fingers.

„I have a job, you know,“ she says.

„Wouldn't be the first time.“

She's had a couple jobs over the years. As waitress, bartender and once barista. It never lasted long. She either got fired or quit.

„Don't you want to know where?“

„Not really, no.“

I think she's looking to the side, shaking her head.

„Honestly, Leah. I get it. You want to punish me. You did, okay? Isn't it enough?“

„You quit as a mother when I was four years old. Just because you now realize what you've missed doesn't mean I suddenly want you back. I don't need you anymore, Julia.“

There is nothing she hates more than when I call her Julia.

„I know you don't need me. But I want to be in your life. You and Caden are the best thing I have.“

„You don't have me,“ I say.

Her blue eyes are dull now.

„Caden has forgiven me. Why can't you?“

„Caden is way too nice for his own good. And he doesn't remember as well as I do when his father ran amok and sent you right to the hospital.“

„I left him,“ she says, voice so brittle.

I shoot up.

„Are you crazy? You didn't leave him. He left you. And it was the best day of my life, because no matter how much I begged you to go, you stayed. You stayed no matter what he did. To me, Julia. To Caden. Do you know the things he used to tell Caden? The things I then had to set right, so Caden wouldn't grow up to be exactly like him?“

Her lip is quivering.

„I was scared, okay? I didn't know how it could work. I didn't have a stable job, the apartment was his – I didn't think I could provide for you.“

„So better wait until he kills you and the problem solves itself.“

For a moment, I think she'll slap me. In the end, she doesn't.

„Wait until you have kids. Then you'll see it's not all that easy.“

„I'll never have kids.“

„Don't say that,“ she says.

I pierce her with my eyes.

„You think you'd have been better off without us too.“

„I don't think that.“

„Yes, you do. You told me so multiple times. Back then, that really sucked,“ I say, shrugging.

It hurt, would be the truth. It really hurt.

„But now I think you're right. You should have never had kids.“

Now she's crying. Not loudly though. Just tears rolling down her cheeks.

„I didn't know better, Leah.“

„Clearly. You let your highschool sweetheart – who's always been an utter jerk – get you pregnant, then watch him leave and instead of trying to figure things out, you just went looking for the next jerk to fuck you over.“

For a brief moment, I think that if she hadn't, I wouldn't have Caden.

But I push that thought away.

„No one was there to help me, Leah. My parents hated me. My friends went off to college or work – I was all alone, with a baby.“

I hate talking to her about this.

It makes me pity her. It makes me... understand. Just a little bit, but that little bit is already too much.

„I didn't know how to do it alone,“ she whispers.

She looks at me, pleadingly. Always pleading.

„I really thought Carson would be a good man. I swear. And he was. For a brief time.“

This is a time I hardly remember, but I know it existed.

Carson, while my mother was pregnant, was a good guy. He was a guy that went grocery shopping for us and bought my favorite candy and treated me like a daughter. When Caden was born, he was still good. When Caden turned one, he wasn't anymore.

„Do you know why?“ I ask.

„Why what?“

„Why he changed.“

My mother sighs and it is a sound so full of fatigue it hurts.

„I'm not sure. I know he had trouble at work. His brother went to jail. Carson always said it wasn't justified. But ultimately... I don't know. Maybe it was me.“

„It was him,“ I say.

And I know it's true, even though, during the darkest times, I thought with a festering hatred in my heart that it was all her. That she turned people that way.

But that's wrong.

My mother looks at me.

„It's been so long, Leah. Carson has been gone for... almost seven years.“

„It's not like it would have stopped after him, is it?“

She sighs again.

„Fine. Hate me if you need to.“

It's five in the morning when we get the call.

„Everything went according to plan. No complications. He'll wake up during the next hour and you'll be able to see him – only for a couple minutes at first. He needs lots of rest.“

I could kiss Navarro. I think I really would, in this moment.

„Thank you. Thanks, that's – thank you.“

I turn to my mother.

„He made it through. Let's go see him.“

Caden isn't really conscious when I sit down next to him and lightly squeeze his fingers, my skin reeking of disinfectants and my hair under a mask.

„It's all good now, love,“ I tell him.

I think he blinks at me. Right now, he could be the same six-year-old that pouted at me, wanting ice cream on a summer day that smelled like fumes and sunscreen. He's also the twelve-year-old that cheered for me at my school play, even though I was horrible, sweaty in a stiff costume. And he's the fifteen-year-old that hugged me and told me he'd miss me so much, but I'd have to move out. Only when you move in with me as soon as you can, I told him and he smiled his slightly crooked smile, zits all over his forehead and his eyes big enough to fit the whole universe inside them.

I almost run into Adrian on my way out. He's already in a mask that looks ridiculous on his tan skin, rough hands cleaner than I've ever seen them.

„How is he?“

„More or less asleep. But fine.“

I smile at him.

„Can I...?“

„Sure.“

Only after I saw Caden for the second time, this time awake, even though high on painkillers, the tiredness catches up to me.

Adrenalin can only keep you up for so long and I haven't slept in almost thirty-six hours.

„Honey, I'll go home and sleep a little. You should too,“ my mother says but I shake my head.

She waits a moment, as if I'd change my mind.

„I'll come back with some food,“ she says and with that, finally leaves me.

„You know, it doesn't really make a difference if you nap here or at home,“ Adrian tells me, sitting down next to me.

„Yet you're here too.“

He gives me one of his grins. I always understood why he was the guy all the younger girls had a crush on.

„Did he talk to you?“ I ask, stifling a yawn.

„Yeah. I made a video. Cades on painkillers is better than my roommates on Molly.“

I smile faintly.

„I hope you're not taking drugs, Adrian?“

He gives me a canting smile.

„Sure I don't.“

„I'm glad you're here,“ I tell him and his smile grows soft.

„Me too.“

I'm half-asleep on Adrian's shoulder when Delilah approaches me. Her face is bare and she looks like she's had a long night as well.

„Hey,“ she says.

Adrian's eyes give her a sweep – while Delilah's eyes are darting between me and Adrian.

„Am I interrupting?“

„Kind of,“ I say, but when she turns to go, I grab her wrist.

I know I'm making a mistake. But I'm an excellent liar, so I'll just ignore it.

„Stay.“

I can feel Adrian's gaze on me.

„Okay.“

Delilah's smile gets me every time. Every. Single. Time.

When she sits down on my lap without warning, my eyes widen and my sleep-deprived brain short-circuits. She kisses me lightly – presses her lips to my mouth in the middle of a hospital corridor.

Adrian clears his throat.

„I think I'll go get some breakfast.“

My hands instinctively come up around her middle. It's soft when she's sitting like this.

„Caden made it?“ she asks, her upper body twisted so she can look into my face, one of my hands now resting on her hip.

„Yes.“

„I'm glad. Not that I had any doubt.“

She gives me another light kiss.

„How was your party?“ I ask her.

„Not bad.“

She doesn't seem to be interested in saying any more about it.

„Who was that?“ she asks me.

„Adrian. He's Caden's best friend.“

„Oh. It's nice that he's here.“

„Yeah, especially because he lives in Chicago now.“

Delilah smells like bodywash and her and a hint of smoke.

„He moved there for college?“

I hum in confirmation.

„Caden was devastated. The two of them are super close.“

I lean my head back.

„Do you have a best friend?“ I ask her, suddenly curious.

She frowns just a little.

„Hm. I don't think so. I mean, I have friends, so one of them is probably my best one, but... not like that. Do you?“

I shake my head.

„My bad, I think. Caden has always been much better at letting people in. I used to think...“

„What?“

„That I'm too selfish for a friendship like that.“

Delilah nods slowly.

„I know exactly what you mean. But... I don't think you're selfish. You probably just haven't met the right person yet.“

I lift my brows.

„You make it sound like a relationship.“

„But isn't it?“

„I mean... yes. But not a romantic one.“

As I'm saying it, I realize I'm disagreeing with myself.

I said before I always was jealous of Adrian and Caden. Because they basically were like boyfriends – minus the physical.

„Where are your friends?“ I ask Delilah. „I mean, where do they live?“

She blinks.

„Most of them in Boston. Some here.“

„Are we friends?“ I ask her.

She swallows.

„Yes. Right?“

I nod.

„Not just friends though.“

She says nothing.

„You hurt me last night, Delilah.“

„I know.“

„It's not like I... Look, I know you don't want the commitment. And even if you did, it's not like I'd expect you to jump when I call. But I really needed you. And you ditched me for a party.“

I search her eyes. Something's in there that I don't like.

„I would have been there,“ I say quietly. „If it was the other way around. I'd have been there for you.“

„I know.“

Her voice is raspy.

„Leah, I have to tell you something.“

But before she can, Navarro returns and wants to speak to me about Caden's treatment and when he'll be released and I can't postpone that.

I do look back at Delilah though as I go with the doctor and I swear, what I see in her eyes is guilt.