I have spent far too long agonizing over how I have lost. How I have lost games. How I have lost time. How I have lost the things that I haven’t even noticed are gone. And how I have lost people.

Not like a parent loses their child at the department store when they duck under a clothing rack to surprise you later. But how you lose track of people. How you lose the connection you built with them. Your friends are treasures. But hours can become days, and then weeks, and then months, and then who’s to say which of you is at fault for not keeping in touch with the other. Whose job is it then to close the gap?

Neither of you know. So you lose them. And they lose you. But who’s to say that the other person misses you like you miss them? Do they agonize over that loss like you do? Or do you merely disappear to them? And, like so much loose change and your mother’s car keys, vanish?

Elizabeth Bishop wrote that losing was an art, and an easy one to master. That things collected are often filled with the apparent intent to be lost on their own. That loss is, in essential, a state of elastic potential energy. A taut rubber band waiting to be whipped off a finger tip into and unknown corner of the room. But it is never a rubber band. It is never just the car keys. It’s time. It’s love. It’s people.

You don’t simply stay close to your friends. You cling to them like you both have a resistance band around your waist and you’ve stretched out to be with this other person, and they’ve stretched their limits to be with you, and now you both must exert effort or the band will draw you back and away from them.

I’m sure you can tell that I really do agonize over it. My arms are weak, and while I enjoy the embrace, I cannot hold on for very long. I need stronger arms to take over on the other side when mine give out. And those are few and far between. And so, I agonize. I fret over ever loss. And I have many. I remember them all. Their voices, their personalities, everything they tell me that matters.

But I have spent so much time fretting over the losses, the vanished people, that I have forgotten how I grew close to them in the first place.

Did I meet them at the store? On a weekend? Was the first thing I noticed something small? What day was it? What did I say?

Was it, “I heard you were looking for some help?”

Did she tilt her head to the side and smile? Was she beaming back at me like I was the answer to an unspoken prayer? That would have been too much right? Maybe it was an exaggeration.

“You were listening in on my conversation during class?” She was smiling. She was accusatory. And she was smiling. “That’s lovely. I’m glad you did. Charlotte was not going to help me, I could feel it. I love her, but I think the feeling is one sided.”

“Didn’t you just meet her today?” I was caught off guard.

“Yeah.” There was a sigh in her voice. Disappointment, but an optimistic sort of disappointment. She knew better now. “But you overheard me saying that I need help moving boxes up to my new apartment. So, you can help me, right?”

I was confounded. Flabbergasted. Probably three other things that mean the same thing too. I had never met someone so positive before. I could see Charlotte giving Sara a weird look as she walked away further down the hallway and out the door towards the rest of campus. Sara was right. It was a one sided feeling that she’d felt. Not everyone clicks immediately. Most people don’t. Did I say something like that then?

“So, you’re free this weekend, right Josh?” Her smile was toothy and going from ear to ear.

And she had leaned down with her hands clasped behind her back so she could be sure to look up into his eyes. She needed to be sure that Josh was looking, that he could see her smile. And he did. He saw other things too. That was the danger of leaning forward towards someone just slightly taller than you when you wear a loose fitting tee shirt. But it couldn’t be helped. She didn’t care.

There was too much golden blond hair for Josh to really understand what he was looking at. Long golden blond waves of hair, waving back and forth in front of his view. And then he did see her smile. It was honest, eager, and genuine. Like a child’s smile. Maybe a hint of a smirk that spoke to a knowledge of her position and what she was showing. But mostly, it was hopeful. There was no denying it. Sara wanted to be friends with him. Friends at least. And for Josh, it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him since he’d started college.

“Yeah, I’m free…” Which was mostly true. “You said you need help moving into your new apartment?”

There was a huge grin on Sara’s face as soon as she heard any hint of a yes. “I’m Sara by the way.”

She held her hand out to shake his, becoming, all of the sudden, a very serious negotiator. And it was awkward, to Josh at least, but he shook her hand and felt distinctly that the awkwardness of the interaction didn’t matter any more. It was an unfamiliar feeling for him.

“Meet me at the entrance to the Clark street dorms at… ten o’ clock.” Sara’s grin was goofy and infectious, Josh couldn’t help but smile back. “And bring some clothes you don’t mind getting messy.”

“Yeah… I’ll… I’ll be there.” Josh stammered as Sara waved goodbye and made her way to wherever it was that interesting and chatty people go when they stop chatting with you.

That was how Josh thought of it. The second she turned the corner down the hall, she could have been going anywhere. She could be getting lunch, going to her next class, maybe she had a part time job. It was still day one of classes, so the campus was still in chaos. And who knows what would have happened if he hadn’t signed up for that elective credit. He definitely wouldn’t have come back to it later and learned more about ‘stars, planets, & life’ and he was glad he was experiencing it now. Even if it had nothing to do with law, critical thinking, or communication.

But who was he to say that it wouldn’t be a relevant class. This was only his second year. He still had general studies and electives to do before he got into anything serious.

“Did she just say that she loved that other girl?” A hand clamped down on Josh’s shoulder and, after a moment of being caught off guard and startled, he recognized the voice of his roommate.

“I mean…” Josh shrugged, unable to adequately answer the question.

“Whatever.” Kerry shrugged back. “What did I tell you. Pretty girls are all about astrology and they think this class is the best. That’s why I audit it the first week every semester. These girls are going to go to frats and disappear from the social circles of the school by week three, so you have to get to know them fast.”

Kerry gave Josh a pat on the back for good measure before leaning to the side to watch another girl leave the classroom. He gave her a grin and a casual nod while he swept his curly blonde hair back and seemed exceptionally satisfied when the girl glanced at him and brushed her own long auburn hair off her shoulder.

“See. Pretty girls.” He grinned, giving Josh another loud pat on the back. “And they like astrology, so you can just tell them your birthday and they know right then and there if they’ll sleep with you. Just gotta find one with the right star sign.”

“That’s disgusting, Kerry.” Josh sighed. “But if you actually want to try, that girl, Sara, she’s moving into a new apartment on Saturday and asked for help. Good chance to show off some lifting strength, right?”

“I mean, if you wanna lift boxes up ten flights of stairs for hours on end. Have at it.” Kerry shrugged, making the motions to indicate he needed to head to another class. “And it’s not like I’m gonna get in your way if you wanna make a move on her. I don’t compete for girls, not with bros.”

Kerry always talked like that. Like there was some kind of bizarre type of chivalric code he was bound to follow that demanded he go out and get laid on a near weekly basis (though he rarely succeeded) but never if it meant ruining a friendship. And for the most part, Josh appreciated that part of his roommate’s personality. He was always willing to offer dating advice, and he definitely had the experience to back it up. But sometimes that bro code personality covered up the fact that Kerry was actually scary smart and that seemed like a waste. If Josh had to choose between being successful with women and being intelligent, he’d choose intelligence every day. Not like getting laid will get me a job at a good law firm was what he kept telling himself; but sometimes he really had to convince himself that it was true.

There was a buzz on his watch as Josh remembered that he still had one more class to get to before he was done for the day. He had to shake his head to get out of his own thoughts, but with a solid shake, and light tap on his cheek that he was glad no one else in the hallway saw or heard, he made his way towards the stairs and on towards his final destination for the day. Utterly clueless as to how monumentally influential on his life the interactions he had just experienced would be.