When I was about seven or eight, I didn't have any friends. The palace fosters were older than me, so they only played nice to curry favor with my father. Servants and tutors kept me busy most days, but those weren't the relationships I wanted. A royal child could usually expect siblings or cousins to socialize with, but my father's generation had been unusually barren. He never recovered from the loss of my mother, never had anymore children, and his brothers had been lost in a sailing accident before they'd had any children of their own. It was a tremendous tragedy I barely remembered, but hunting manta in a thunderstorm bordered on suicidal, so they hadn't had anyone to blame but themselves.

It was common knowledge that the world was full of spirits, and that those spirits heard the prayers of humanity, though they themselves were silent. In Euphoria, we lived closer to the spirits than any other people because of our understanding of the sacred compass and its diagrams. Common folk regularly placated the spirits of the fields and their tools with offerings and prayers, but only those of the royal line could command them outright.

Particularly powerful spirits were called daemons, and the lord of all daemons was Ahriman. He was more than the lord of daemons; Lord of Misfortune, Master of Shadows, He Who Walks Behind. If you lived a fortunate life, it meant you had avoided his attentions. He laughed at humankind, because he was immortal and our trials were but temporary amusements.

Some did offer him prayers, mostly in the sense of asking to be left alone. His name was commonly invoked respecting those who'd played others falsely, asking that he pay them a visit.

As a child, I'd had a superstitious fear of Ahriman, avoiding shadows and the use of his name, which was bad luck, but the idea of spirits at large excited and fascinated me. I spoke to them whenever I was lonely, which was quite often, and I pretended I could see them in the corners of my eyes. But spirits are invisible, and they don't answer back, at least not in words.

The Matchmaker conversed with spirits in a more indirect fashion to create the diagrams. The spirits had told her that I would either destroy the kingdom or I wouldn't, that it hinged on a single decision, whether or not I married Thomas Caldwell.

Castor found me in the gardens again. He was wearing the white robe of his homeland with traces of gold thread for the ceremony.

"I didn't ask to be placed with her," he said.

The clouds below us were moving slowly to the east, the moisture in the air covered the flowers with the sheen of dew.

"This isn't Gracia," I said. "You don't have much say in those matters here."

"I'm beginning to understand." He sat on the grass beside me. "Is that why you didn't answer me before, on the ship?"

"One reason." There was no need to go into the others.

"I'd like to know how you feel, whatever the matchmaker says."

"It doesn't matter how I feel. I am a princess of Euphoria, and it's my place to do what is best for the kingdom."

"That isn't how they think where I was born."

"No? You can do whatever you want in Gracia, no matter the consequences?"

"It isn't like that. They teach us to consider what sort of person we would like to be, to act with virtue, and that consequences come after that."

"What's virtue, if you aren't trying to do good?"

"Virtue is good." He frowned. "You still haven't answered. I want to know what you think of me, if you think of me at all... I'm beginning to feel like a fool talking to you this way."

I touched his hand, a brief touch before I remembered myself. Castor was my closest friend, one of the only true one's I'd ever had. Idly, I had imagined us together. How many times? But what did idle daydreams count before the interdictions of a king?

"You're not a fool. And you'll be happy with Aster. Spirits, look at her, how could you not be happy?"

"To have a pretty statue in my bed?"

I smiled at this description. "You shouldn't speak of your betrothed that way." However I might want to speak of her.

"Just tell me the truth. Are you relieved you'll be with someone else?"

"I'm not relieved," I said. "I don't know anyone else I'd rather spend my life with."

He kissed me, and I wasn't sure whether the warmth that followed started in my lips or in my chest. Castor was gentle, and he didn't try to press his advantage, but rather drew away. His soft, brown eyes begged me for an answer.

"I can't," I said, and touched my fingers to my lips as if to assure myself that they were still there. Tears were starting in my eyes. "I'm sorry, Castor."

I left him in the garden, but I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't want to hide in my rooms, or visit Ciao or Grandmother. I'd been given a glimpse of the life I wanted and a sentence to one I did not. I couldn't destroy Euphoria for my selfishness, no matter what it meant for my future.

What about my sister, already lost? What about my daughter, or all the daughters to come?

I found myself in the courtyard of a shrine to the mountain spirit, Atlan. There were no attendants. It was an open air shrine with an altar for sacrifices and a wooden pole riddled with nails where prayers could be hung. My eyes were dry and as I breathed in the cool wild air I found a sip of peace.

There were hundreds of prayers layered overtop of one another, left exposed to the elements until they disintegrated or were carried away by the wind.

I began reading the prayer slips. Most of them were brief and vague, "happiness", or "a good year", but some were more specific; "I ask that Meling recovers from her sickness." There were personal prayers, and prayers for the kingdom, even a prayer for me, that I would marry well. Others asked for wisdom, or guidance in making an important life choice. That seemed odd, weren't all those choices already made for us by the matchmakers?

"I pray for the strength to accept what I can't change."

I didn't know anything about the lives of the people below me, not really. Did the girl who took my slippers not have to make any sacrifices? Maybe not her firstborn, but she certainly wasn't living her best life, except that a person's best life was by definition the life prescribed to them by their diagrams, butcher, baker, or princess. How could I deny my kingdom the one thing asked of me for all my privilege?

Atlan, if there is one daemon in this realm powerful enough to exist outside of Ahriman's influence, it is you. If you can hear me, if the lives of the small creatures that live their lives out on your brow mean anything to you, please hear me. What should I do?

The following day there was a brief ceremony announcing my betrothal to Thomas Caldwell. The court officials and the remaining emissaries from Kanto took it as a peace offering between our peoples for what had happened the day before. Only Ling and I knew the truth of my diagram, I doubted she would have even told my father and risked displeasing him.

Thomas and I were given a private dinner to get to know one another, private apart from the servants and guards. We ate beneath a glass dome, a masterpiece of such beauty and precision that it couldn't have been achieved by any other people, so that we could dine beneath the early evening sky. Candles burned around us in serried rows, surrounding us with a good fortune diagram as we sampled sky manta scallops and salads from the royal gardens.

Thomas Caldwell looked down on all of it. He had a long face that might have been handsome if it wasn't so dour, sandy blonde hair and dark eyes. He ate like it was his duty.

"What do you think of our kingdom?" I asked, hoping to get something more than a squint or a frown.

"Inefficient."

This was the man I was supposed to marry? "How do you mean? Do we not live well on the mountain?"

"Too well." He chewed a delicate scallop as if it were a clump of gristle. "I think the bounty of this place has made you all wasteful and soft. Just look," he pointed his fork at the dome, "how many artisans labored over that? Either have a roof or don't."

"This is a palace." I tried to hide my shock. "Aren't palaces supposed to be grand?" Yes, the dome was extravagant, but producing such a thing supported the artisans and their art, as if its beauty was not excuse enough to create it.

"There is grandeur in humility." He said.

How smug could this man be? He'd tried to bully the royal matchmaker in front of the king, and he was ready to lecture about humility?

"That's a lovely phrase," I said. "Is it a proverb?"

He nodded as if crediting my ability to recognize the obvious. "From the Edicts of the Founder."

I had some vague recollections about this. Kanto government was highly legalistic, and all their laws were strictly interpreted and brutally enforced. The Edicts weren't laws, but they were a kind of philosophical guidepost for how a proper Kanton should interpret the world. Clearly, Thomas was a proper Kanton.

We were quiet for several minutes. Then he said, "Your hair has appreciable qualities."

What? Was that a compliment? "Thank you?" I ventured.

"It reminds me of some of my cousins. They're mongrels."

This could not be happening. "Excuse me?"

"Mongrels. Of mixed blood. That is one benefit of being confined to this mountain, I've noticed your people are of a very uniform character, and I imagine this is due to a lack of interbreeding with the other kingdoms."

I'd thought that was what he meant. "Does Kanto have a lot of...interbreeding?" I was interested despite myself, Aster and Ether and I had never been friendly enough to discuss their homeland in detail, and I couldn't help my curiosity.

"More than I approve of, but not all families are as discerning as mine. The Caldwells have been numbered among the noble houses of Kanto for hundreds of years."

"What's wrong with it, with people mixing?" I was prepared for nonsense.

"Every nation is different, of a distinct character. The populations of those nations developed in a way that was best suited to their environment. Mixing peoples is putting them out of place, it makes them less suited to wherever they happen to be."

"If they all have different good qualities, wouldn't you want everyone to share them?"

"That isn't what happens."

"So you're saying your cousins are less suited to Kanto than you are?"

"That's what I percieve."

"Then why are you willing to be engaged to a foreigner?"

"I'm bound to obey my father, and it is what he would desire. If it happens that he decides I should partner with one of our own kind, I will happily take that match instead."

"That's very flattering."

"I did not intend it to be. You are a fine example of what is desirable in your race, but your race is not to my interest."

"It sounds as of you're very interested in it."

"Pardon?"

What a buffoon. "It was nothing. My apologies."

We managed to finish the meal with a minimum of conversation. He kissed my hand, something he obviously considered an obligation, and we parted for the evening.

When I returned to my chambers, I started to look at my things through the eyes of a foreigner. It was true, there was a lot of frillery. I had so many clothes for different occasions, though I nearly always wore the same thing, and now that I was engaged I would have to start wearing gowns instead of my accustomed trousers. In theory, there was nothing wrong with gowns, they were just... a lot. Unconsciously, I started counting the possessions that could be used like money. I'd never had any, never needed it. Everything I'd ever wanted had been given to me as a gift or a reward. It was enough to spoil a girl, which was probably what had happened to Aster. Though I didn't have any loose coin, I had have several fortune necklaces which were made from coins and could be repurposed. Then there was the jewelry, lots of hair pins and catches, mostly gold but with some examples of sapphires, rubies, and emeralds along with a scattering of small diamonds. Much of Euphoria's wealth was in its minerals, the seemingly inexhaustible supply of gems that had been uncovered in the ground and offered out of Atlan's veins. I had a few jade pearls, the most valuable of all, worn only by the royal family.

What was I thinking of, cataloguing trinkets? A plan hadn't formed, but there was something going on in the back of my brain that was nearly ready to present itself.

When I had my bath, I tried to remember the maid servant's name. Nala? Lei?

"Nala," I said, "can I ask you a favor?"

"Princess?" She would never correct me, but I could tell I'd gotten it wrong. Oh well.

"I'd like you to bring me some of your clothes, and you can have one of my outfits in exchange."

"Your..."

"Any one you'd like, you know where they are."

"You said... this is a favor?" She, whatever her name was, was uncomfortable. Any outfit was a stretch, there were some she could never wear because the color patterns were reserved for my family, but there were others that were just a couple of social grades above her and might serve her well.

"It would be a great favor to me," I said, "something to keep just between us. Why don't you go now? I don't need your help here. Pick out something you can wear to your own betrothal. I just had mine, you know, I can't wear all those vests and blouses anymore."

"But my clothes..."

"It's a personal matter. Please, you won't be any trouble."

She could hardly refuse. Rai! Her name was Rai! She'd been a with me for a couple of seasons, off and on.

"Thank you, Rai," I said. She bowed to the tiles and left me to finish my bath alone. It still wasn't a plan. I wasn't sure what I wanted, except to see more, to know more than I did now.

Before we parted, Thomas had invited me to accompany him on a fishing trip. It wasn't something I looked forward to. The sailing was wonderful, riding the undulations of the clouds, the wind and the light and the breathtaking views, but I didn't care for how it ended. Whatever we caught, it would end in a struggle, a great manta or a koi caught on a harpoon and bleeding out its life on the decking. It wasn't my idea of a pleasant morning dalliance.

Castor was a hunter too, but he knew. better than to ask me to come along with him. His family's ship wasn't outfitted for large prey, but it was fine to travel in. It was hard not to think about the kiss, our first, and if things went as planned, our last. There was a tingle in my lips as I thought about it. Is that what I wanted, to be with Castor? It was certainly a better option than what was on offer. We could go to Gracia together, I knew his family gave him a lot of autonomy in his decisions, and he was old enough now not to be a foster anymore. But he was engaged to Aster, who was Kanton aristocracy. Helping me would anger two kingdoms, and I doubted even Castor's independence promoting parents would support anything that put Gracia in such a difficult diplomatic position. We couldn't be together, that was a fantasy there was no reason to entertain. What would we do, take his ship and sail the world together while Euphoria crumbled? Even if Castor had become my betrothed, how could I then have told him what was to become of one of our children? It would be easier with Thomas, it was hard to imagine he would even care much. Hadn't his speech about the dome shown that he was eminently practical?

My thoughts were running in every direction for the rest of the night, keeping me awake. I almost didn't notice when Rai slipped into my chambers and delivered a small pile of clothing to the dresser beside my bed. When she was gone, I picked them up. The clothes weren't so different from many of mine. The material was coarser and there was hardly any embroidery. The colors ranged brown to grey, and I grimaced when I saw myself in the mirror after trying them on. Without any jewelry, and letting my hair down, I could pass for a commoner without difficulty. I still wasn't sure why I wanted to, but it was nice to have the option. I actually went to sleep wearing them, somehow it was easier.