"Hey there, Paccon!

I haven't seen you in a very long time but there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought of you. I've been thinking about what to say to you when I do see you again. How I'll apologize and say that you don't have to forgive me. Actually, maybe I won't say sorry because I know it's wrong of me. I wonder if you think of me once in a while.

Am I still a person in your world? Am I a part of your existence? Please don't forget me. I want you to hate me with all your being if it means that you'll remember me. Because it was seeing my own image in your eyes that reminded me that I exist. I need you to acknowledge my presence so I can feel alive.

You hated lies the most and I know you were insecure about people leaving you. I never wanted to be what you hated because now I've become something I hate too. I did intend to come back. And I was always thinking about what we'd be like when you graduate. I know you never intended to go to college but I'd still be in high school. We would have talked about our old friends and where they all ended up and about that club room. I wonder what we'd be like when we grow up a lot more. Will we still be able to take walks around town? Will we still be carefree? I bet they'll put us in jail for it.

You know, I'm a singer now. Nothing too big, I sing on stages of all kinds but people don't know my name. They know my face, I guess that's good enough. To tell you the truth, every time I'm up there on the stage, it's just me. The past, the life I had, everything fades away. It's just me in the moment. And when the moment has passed, there's nothing else that remains from that moment. I've made mistakes. I forget lyrics, sometimes I forget to sing and sometimes I have to be pulled down from the stage. Many things, I don't even recall. People laugh, people love, people hate. I couldn't care less. I haven't been singing for them, perhaps that's why I'm never going to make it big.

When I'm up there, the lights blind me, I can't look straight so I close my eyes, but then I see you and I quickly open my eyes. You still exist so strongly, more than me.

Sometimes, I imagine that I'd get to see Yozo and Raskolnikov and Dazai and you, Paccon. You don't know anyone else but you know me which is enough. For the longest time, I stayed in the company of your friends too. So you can stay in mine, I know you'll be a riot. You are able to get along with anyone, you are so amazing.

I've been trying, to come see you. I can't. I simply can't. Go on and hate me for making you wait. I'm always such a dork. But I'll be there, I promise. I've been smoking real hard you know, and I feel maybe, I'm already half way there. I've coughed blood twice, that's a good sign. I haven't got much money either so there's no escape route. I'm done now, I think this is enough.

I don't know your address, where can I post this?

Where are you?"